Confessions of an Ethical Slut

I changed my mind...

2009-05-01T02:53:00.005+01:00

About carrying on with this blog. I will be discontinuing my writings here.

Two reasons: 1. Having taken many months to feel safe enough to let one or two new people into my life, and to rebuild my safety net, I have no urge to tell my abusive ex-partner, who has this url, about the details of my new relationships. 2. I feel that the anonymous blog has achieved only a very small part of what I hoped for it, and that my energies are better focused elsewhere. My energy for extraneous activities is still very much limited since last year.

If and when I decide to start journalling again, I will contact those of you I know personally and let you know where my new url is.

To the one or two people I don't know, who have commented or emailed to thank me for writing, I send you my best wishes and hope you will continue following the adventures of other poly writers, and perhaps if I start writing again we will find each other in a different place.

In the meantime I leave this closing thought (and how I came to it):

It is possible to be mentally ill *and* a bastard.

When I was in my teens I went out bar-hopping with some friends of mine, and one of the guys in our group was sitting facing roughly into a walkway, although not by any means in the way. A guy using a wheelchair came in, and rather than carefully moving around us, casually ran over my friend's foot. My friend, in quite a lot of pain, gave him a mouthful of the choicest expletives he knew and pointed out in no uncertain terms that using a wheelchair does not give you the right to not look where you are going.

The rest of us were mortified - it's somehow taboo in this society to speak ill of the physically or mentally disabled. We couldn't believe he had done that.

The guy in the wheelchair stopped, stared, and said thankyou. He apologised for having been a careless arse, and thanked my friend for having treated him like a normal person, rather than a thing to be wrapped in cotton wool and pandered to. They didn't become firm friends or anything sappy like that - frankly the wheelchair guy, apart from his stopping to say thankyou, was a bit of an arse. A whole group of us learned that evening though, that being able-bodied doesn't mean that a person who is otherwise has the right to roll over you.

So where am I going with this?

Early-ish in our relationship, a certain person mentioned to me that he had previously been diagnosed with Multiple Personality Disorder, but had 'cured' himself of it. Thus setting himself up very handily, both as the 'person who needs to be wrapped in cotton wool and pandered to' but with an added flavour of 'but I'm saying I'm sane now, and you have to buy it or risk alienating me' - and so I bought it. Hook, line and sinker. Survivor Sympathy, and special status in one easy step. Frankly, whether what he told me was truth, lie or imagination didn't really matter, as it became slowly clear (unfortunately after I had left the country with him) that something was definitely up.

Certain events took place that made me realise that Mountain was either still suffering from some sort of mental illness, or manipulative to the point of pathology anyway. He could act in very violent and agressive ways, and ten minutes later tell me with clear and innocent eyes that I had started acting weirdly towards him for no reason. - The morning it became unbearably clear to me was at Duchess's house, when I was packing up my clothes to leave for the day at her request, and he spent some time telling me loudly how selfish and worthless and pathetic I was, and how he never wanted to see me again. Yet not more than an hour later this had never happened - he described the event as himself 'asking me for cuddles and reassurance' and me turning cold and attacking him out of the blue.

There was definitely something wrong. The events of that morning only made it heart-breakingly clear. Trouble was, I was still in sympathy mode. I imagined what it must be like for a person who believes he has been verbally attacked at random by his partner (all too easily, as I'd been in that situation myself earlier - what a coincidence), and my heart bled.

It took me one more serious physical attack*, and police advisement to remove myself, the unlawful confiscation of my property for several months, and the non-return of my life savings to realise what I probably should have earlier. That even if the things he was telling me I had done and was planning to do had been true. If I had plotted and schemed to 'break his heart', to 'damage his trust in people' and to 'line up my next shag' behind his back (a particularly odd accusation from someone supposedly polyamorous), and even if I had decided to 'willfully damage his property' - i.e. that box of his CDs that I dropped whilst having my property illegally taken from me. Even if all that was true - Nothing, nothing at all justifies the level of violence he used on me. The attempt to cause me grievous bodily harm (yes, I mean this - a permanently damaged knee joint counts as GBH), the threats to break my fingers, arms and legs, and worse. And the calculated use of the rental vehicle as cover to avoid any of this being seen by actual eye-witnesses. Not a jot of that was the mental illness. That part was pure malevolence.

I spent months making excuses for a man who was acting like a bastard, convinced that the mental illness 'making him' act in this way was all the more reason he needed me. I bent over backwards to pander to his paranoia, foolishly giving him access to my money, my property, my emotional well-being, and not expecting anything in return. I should, perhaps have heeded the maxim 'We do not see things as they are. We see them as We are' - and realised that his paranoia was based on the fact that his motives were, perhaps, not quite as pure as he pretended.

Lesson learned, I feel. Though far, far too long in the coming.

And I hope that some day my experience can prevent someone else going through the same pain.

I may perhaps return as occasional therapy, to write about the things that I didn't mention at the time they happened, which I should really have paid attention to (for example how I came to forgive a certain person for attempting to throw me out of a moving vehicle, but couldn't do the same when he simply called me a 'selfish bitch'). While I was focusing on this as a blog about polyamory, these things weren't relevant: They were attributes of a physically and emotionally abusive relationship, not specifically a poly one, but I think there are still more lessons to be learned nonetheless, and perhaps revisiting them at some point might help someone else avoid going through the same experiences.

For all intents and purposes though, please consider this online journal ended. It marks a three-year phase in the life of a person who I don't even really identify as me any more. I have changed a lot in a few months, and I realise that it's time to move on, not just from the horrors of my relationship with Mountain, but also the threads of internalised shame and monogamous-styled emotional blackmail unintentionally laced through my earlier relationships by well-meaning but ultimately destructive friends and lovers. I am going into the cocoon, and will emerge unrecognisable.

It has been a long and tough crawl to get this far, but I look forward to flying.

Love to you all,

Red.

*I've not even talked about the violence before we left Canada, and I still struggle to, even with trusted friends - not so much because of what it was, but because I feel so bloody stupid for having gone back afterwards for more. One day, though.

Breaking my silence

2009-02-16T23:22:00.005Z

I think it's time...

I haven't been wanting to talk about things. And I haven't wanted to talk about not wanting to talk about things, either, it just sounds so... well, victim-ish, and I don't like that idea much. It's just not me. What else do you call yourself though, when a partner, someone you trusted, gets under your skin so completely, and then turns on you so violently as to leave you still having nightmares, and panic attacks five months on?
Mountain left me not knowing who I could trust and feeling unsafe around even my closest friends. It feels a little like overreaction now, but at the time it took me weeks to feel safe even leaving the house. I still don't really know how to feel... whether it's even worth my caring about, I'm just tired. At the end of the day, I think it doesn't/didn't matter, anyway. The practical difference between dealing with someone who has psychological/emotional issues and can't or won't see it, or someone who just happens to be a manipulative and evil bastard... there's very little in it. You can think and feel what you like, but the actions needed to protect oneself are the same. I just feel a little stupid that I let things go as far as they did before I took those steps.

Knowing who to trust? That's always going to be hard, and harder now - having known Mountain for over a year before anything started worrying me. There's always afterwards going to be that little nagging doubt. I am working on patching the holes in my safety net, at least, and making a nest for myself that I can stay quiet in for a while. Knowing I have friends in the City, and good ones, and friends outside too, that's a comfort that's got me through the last few months. Though there have been ups and downs with that too - the rant below was written whilst going through a particularly rough patch. I was tempted to delete it, as it has sat in my drafts for a long while now, but there are plenty of days when I still feel that way, and I think it will take a long time to go away.

There will be more soon, I think. I've finally got some energy to think about things, and the distance to not be shaking as I type. It's been a long few months, and whilst there hasn't been a whole lot going on in relationship terms - I've been far too fragile to even consider it - there has been plenty going on inside my head. Perhaps not in the next few days, but I think it will be within weeks, rather than months now, to my next post.

Fuck it. (In no particular order.)

2008-11-23T14:22:00.005Z

(Written 23/11/08, posted 16/02/09)

Fuck liars, fuck cheats, fuck people too goddamn cowardly to *be* who they are, fuck overbearing bullies with god complexes, fuck people who can't be arsed to let me know what's going on in their lives. Fuck 'nice guys', fuck 'bad boys', fuck miserable bitches who like to make complete strangers' lives miserable, fuck blind monogamites and so-called friends who think it's fine to use you for fun and then leave you behind without even a 'see ya' when they meet a new date . Fuck drunken tossers with no respect for other people or their property. Fuck Dicks that think they're Doms, and sick people that think they're sane. Fuck people you care about who refuse to look after themselves. Fuck alcoholics that don't admit they have a problem . Fuck people who hurt you deliberately and then say sorry and expect it to go away. Fuck families you can't live with, abusive partners, tedious fucking dayjobs that you have to grit your teeth and suck up because your psycho fucking ex screwed you over for a few thousand pounds. Fuck friends that ask advice and a shoulder to cry on and then ignore every fucking word. Fuck hypocrites, fuck stupid people, incompetent people, smart people with shitty motives, manipulative people. Fuck selfish people, clingy people, people who think they know better, fuck coming home to a cold and empty house on a day when it's pissing with rain and not even having the energy left to make tea. Fuck fairytales and happy endings and all the shit they pump into you as a kid that makes everything that really comes to pass seem like a kick in the teeth. Fuck dreams, fuck caring about stuff, and definitely fuck caring about people. Fuck getting screwed over by one shitty situation after another. Fuck love, lust, romance, intrigue and anything else that means people using you how they feel and then leaving you in a little pile on the floor. Fuck marriage and kids and 'normality' and emotional blackmail. Fuck the treadmill, fuck terrorists, fuck rapists and murderers and muggers, and the tabloids that know all too well that these things sell papers. Fuck living in fear and pent up rage. Fuck 'turning the other cheek', fuck feeling so goddamned powerless to change *anything*. Fuck not knowing who to trust any more, and *all* of the options for dealing with that. Fuck disillusionment. Fuck everything. Fuck LIFE.

Best Song Title Ever

2008-11-16T21:13:00.000Z

And I guess I can say it reminds me of someone

"Bloody Mother F**king Asshole", by Martha Wainwright

I will not pretend
I will not put on a smile
I will not say I'm all right for you
When all I wanted was to be good
To do everything in truth
To do everything in truth

You bloody mother fucking asshole
Oh you bloody mother fucking asshole
Oh you bloody mother fucking asshole
Oh you bloody mother fucking asshole
Oh you bloody mother fucking asshole
Oh you bloody...

I will not pretend
I will not put on a smile
I will not say I'm all right for you
For you, whoever you are
For you, whoever you are
For you, whoever you are

Coasting

2008-10-18T18:03:00.002+01:00

I'm sitting in Nice Guy's front room doing some work and just watched a turquoise long wheel base van pull up and park directly outside the house, which reminded me that I hadn't updated here in a while.

I haven't got a whole lot of time as I'm off out to see some friends this evening, but I just wanted to pop a message up to the effect that I'm doing okay. I've had concerned messages from a few people, and I will admit I was a mess for a good (or bad) long while, but I've got myself a job, I'm doing some enforced saving since I got my wallet stolen and don't have an account card right now, but that's maybe a good thing, too, as it means I'll have a flat deposit all the sooner. I'm getting into a routine with things, and I'm finally starting to feel... well, actually quite optimistic about things.

I'll catch up in more detail later, as it's been six weeks and there's been a lot going on in my mind, but to all of you who care about me and read this - I'm doing fine, and thankyou.

Hugs,

Red.

Processing

2008-09-10T23:28:00.003+01:00

I'm still processing events from last week, and from the last few months. Slowly resolving how I feel about things. At the moment mostly tired, sad, a bit cheated. A lot of the things I was feeling before, but a little more detached from it all.

Nice Guy has been lovely again, as has Tallboy - he came round for dinner with both of us last night before flying back to the Goldfish Bowl, which was rather good, and I had the sweetest text from Polymath (who hasn't answered his emails this week, however... *nudge*). I'm still finding myself a bit paranoid though - it seems to be contagious. The whole mess with Mountain has made me doubt everything I've ever believed about people and my own character judgement, and I'm constantly metaphorically and literally looking over my shoulder at the moment (and have developed some rather Tourette's like symptoms as a result, since I tend to swear when I catch myself doing it).

Ah well, there is plenty of distraction. NG has a visitor from tomorrow for the next few days, and we're going to see Avenue Q (for the third time, in my case, but it really is good so I don't mind a bit). Then there's Polyday and my Gay Fiancee's housewarming at the weekend, which I'm really looking forward to. And at some point I'm hoping to catch up with Optimus, who moved to the City as of yesterday, but will be running around like a thing that runs around a lot for a few months, apparently. I realise I've not seen Miss or Mr Matrix since the middle of last month, too, and I'd like to. At some point I need to poke various people about jobs as well, since I was supposed to hear from a couple of people this week who haven't spoken to me yet.
So many things to do and people to see, and only seven days in a week. I'm glad I've had a few days off just to relax.

Over

2008-09-04T20:59:00.003+01:00

Well, things got easier all of a sudden.

Yesterday I was supposed to be helping Mountain get all of our things out of storage and into Nice Guy's house, since he's jobless and can't afford to pay for it, and nor can I. Let's just say things didn't go particularly well. He decided that the fact that it hadn't occurred to me to be explicit about the fact that there wasn't a driveway was a malicious waste of his time (despite the fact that there was space meters away across the road) and insisted on driving everything *back* to the storage unit. So then, with not much other option, I'm helping to unpack the van again, and I don't realise that the box I'm tugging on is under another one, that has dislodged during the journey and isn't closed any more. Out tumble a lot of CDs, and next thing I know, he's blown his top entirely and insisting that I leave, without my belongings, and without the van, which is in my name, and paid for on my debit card - clearly not something I'm actually going to do, since I can't afford to risk the money on his returning the thing, so I refuse.

That was when, ironically he made things easy for me - by deciding to become the world's biggest arsehole.

Next thing I know, he's kindly offering to break my fingers for me, if I won't move from the van doorway, or my legs. I'm not the sort of girl that responds well to being threatened, so I stand my ground, and this is when he hits me. Not a slap, like you would a hysterical person, no. Not a push, nor a half-hearted blow, but since conveniently for him, I was standing in the van, at roughly his eye level, a perfect well-weighted punch right into my right knee. The bad one. The one place he could hit that he knew would hurt most, and longest.
And he's not backing down, and I still can't leave without the van, so now I'm calling 999 for help, in utter disbelief. And he's looking at me like he can't believe what I'm doing to him, telling me to my face that he never touched me, and that he can't believe I'm playing the 'gender card', because I'm telling the police that here is a guy I used to know, who is twice my height, twice my weight and knows how to fight, and is threatening to harm me, and lord knows what else, and already has.

The police helped me get out of there with at least some of my belongings and the van, and my safety, and asked me if I wanted to press charges, he'd be arrested on a domestic violence charge. I just couldn't bring myself to, but I'm still wondering if it was the wrong choice.

Now I have a lovely purple bruise on my right knee, right at the base of my femur, where it crumbles, to remind me of what I've gone through, and my knee throbs like crazy, but I feel... relieved. No more indecision, no more limbo, no more mooning around wistfully missing what I had. I just never see him again. Simple. Getting over things will take time, but now I know it's the right decision. He has my laptop, still, and a bunch more of my belongings, and owes me a few thousand pounds, but really that feels like small beans at the moment, compared to having at least most of my limbs and my sanity intact.

So thanks, Mountain, for showing me your true colours, and making my life that much easier.

Scaredycat is here now, and was an immense help last night, and this morning, with getting the van and everything sorted out. (and hey, what do you know? We parked the van in the road outside NG's house while we unpacked.) Today we've had a day on the sofa, eating icecream and watching movies, and just... being safe, and recovering.
Nice Guy is back on saturday, and I'm looking forward to seeing him, and providing some much needed hugs, as I know he's been worrying about me.

I'm looking forward to getting on with my life again.

Scarlet.

Feeling sick, but better

2008-08-31T12:02:00.005+01:00

---
I wanted so much to call you last night. I got back from the doctor and collapsed on the floor, and after that it was all I could manage to drag myself into bed, left my food shopping by the door where I came in and spent the next two hours before falling properly asleep in a state somewhere between dreaming and waking, and somewhere in the confusion almost forgot about the space between us, and picked up my phone to dial before I remembered I wasn't supposed to.
It was such an odd feeling... like that night after the all-you-can-eat-sushi, I was hallucinating odd pictures and patterns every time I closed my eyes, maybe because I couldn't breathe properly, and I wanted to share that with you because it wouldn't mean anything to anyone else, and I needed a hug so badly.
---

Still struggling with not having friend-contact with Mountain. It's especially hard at the moment because I'm stuck at home alone with a throat and chest infection that came on rather suddenly, and there's nobody else to reach out to. Nice Guy is in the states on business, Duchess is busy, and everybody else is too far from the City to pester for cuddles or tea.

It's really bad timing to be sick this weekend, too. I was supposed to be out last night doing some flyering work in a club, which was my first job with the company, and had to call that off. Tomorrow I'm supposed to be meeting up with Tallboy, who I've not seen for roughly a year and is over visiting from the Goldfish Bowl for just the one week. I'm really hoping I'm well enough to go and see the play that he booked for.

I am looking forward to Thursday, at least, since Scaredycat is coming to visit, and we're going to have sofa and icecream and hugs.
He pinged me on my instant messenger the other day to say that he and his girlfriend broke up, and I felt a little guilty, because on some level I think I was rather waiting for it to happen. I've known for a while that all hasn't been peachy, and he's not been happy in the relationship for quite some time, but I've also known how much he cared about his girlfriend, Dancer, and didn't want to end it, so he's been in a hard position for a long time now. I've been hurting for him without really being able to do anything to help.
It did make me feel good though, knowing that when crunch time came, it was me that he turned to for support. Being able to be there for my friends when they need me, and being the sort of person that my friends can turn to in times of trouble, even when I'm not on top form myself means a lot to me.
I just hope I'm not contagious by the time Thursday gets here!
(To S: - I got your message, and to be honest, I was grateful that you *did* turn to me when I felt awful, because helping you made me feel so much better about myself. I don't think anything else would have done me as much good, so thankyou.)

It seems the time of year for break-ups. After meeting briefly with Mountain on Friday, to pick up some clothing of mine that he still had, I went to CCK to commune with Miss Matrix, and a friend of hers who has also just lost her significant other. There was tea, sympathy and cuddles, and plans for a 'girls night in' somewhere in the near future, with plenty of icecream included.

So my life at the moment is not so much sex, tea and bacon sandwiches at the moment, as icecream, tea and sympathy. Still, apart from the illness, I am feeling better in general. Things are looking up on the job front, although still a bit vague - the company I'm likely to be working for is having their annual busy period, and no chance to discuss my role until after it's over, but have at least managed to confirm that there's some room in the budget for me. I should be looking at a flat I can afford next week, too, which will get me out of NG's hair - as much as he's been looking after me lately, I still need a space that's *mine* and apart from 'my' tree-house in the back garden, his home is not that. I've made some progress in sorting out my head a bit, as well, but I think I will leave talking about that for another day.

All the best,

Red.
x

2008-08-22T15:37:00.003+01:00

----
Have you ever read Angela Carter? I was meaning to ask you if you had, and give you my copy of some of her short stories, if you hadn't. I think you'd enjoy her style. Maybe when we're moving stuff out of storage I could bring it up then...

I hope you have a good weekend away with your friends. Wish I could be a fly on the wall, as the storyline sounded like genius.

___

Worn Out

2008-08-21T23:14:00.003+01:00

Delayed my trip to Dullsville. I just don't have the energy left. Whilst attempting to make myself feel better I soaked in a long bath the other day and gave myself an ear infection, so now I just have an extra reason for not sleeping properly. I'm staying in the City and communing with NG's sofa and trying to get some work done, then getting the coach there on Saturday. I have promised C a visit at some point when I'm not feeling so misanthropic. Hopefully I'll be a bit recovered by weekend - turning up at my grandfather's birthday party with a scowl on my face or bursting into tears at random moments probably won't endear me to anyone much.

Sigh

2008-08-21T01:41:00.004+01:00

----
I wanted so much to talk to you again today, just to share thoughts with you. That set of 'memory boxes' that I started visualising after talking to you - I started using the second box, the one with the cherries on it, to keep page numbers in - and it turned out to be a hypercube. None of the others seem to be, just that one box. Isn't that odd?
----

I'm being a good girl, and not making contact. It's hard. Still knowing that there are those misunderstandings not cleared up, that I have no chance to defend myself over, and just... wanting to talk to him. I've got so used to having someone I could share thoughts with, I guess I might have been taking it for granted a little, though there were a lot of times I stopped and thought 'the way we understand each other is so refreshing.
It's little things that bring it home to me... like making a side comment and not having to spent fifteen minutes explaining what a hypercube *is* and how it relates to anything at all. Or one about being a Schrodinger's Woman, and being understood without having to go into intricate details about both biology and physics, and the use of metaphors.
I miss being able to talk to someone who thinks like I do.

Going away tomorrow, back to Dullsville for the weekend. C is kindly giving me a lift back, and in different circumstances we'd be playing, but I don't think I feel up to it right now. Then I'm seeing my family for a few days. Haven't seen them in person since before Christmas, and I'm particularly looking forward to catching up with my brother. We don't get on too well when we have to live together, but as long as we have plenty of space we have a pretty cool relationship, and can talk to each other about anything.

That feeling of desolation...

2008-08-20T10:07:00.005+01:00

It's been a rough week, and my timing is, as ever shitty. I had been working hard on maintaining my friendship with Mountain, and trying to look after him when he really wasn't looking after himself. Having finally seen him turn a corner, I was building up the courage to talk to him about the state of things between us, in the main whether we could still have a relationship without the living together which was, i think a large part of the problems between us - and before I got to get a word out, he calls it off. Everything. No talk, no phone calls, no emails, basically don't speak unless I'm spoken to, because being friends is harder for him than being nothing at all. It would have been hard, anyway, but the timing was just the icing on the cake. I found myself humming 'send in the clowns' as I cried myself to sleep.

At any rate, apologies to everyone for the potential for TMI in this post.
----------------

You don't want a conversation. Okay. This is not a conversation, nor do I expect anything to change as a result of it, but I'm going to write down my responses to the things you said, because lord knows if I don't put them somewhere I am going to explode.

Your last paragraph hurt the most, as you were never just one of many to me. I'd been thinking up to your phone call the other day about how much I value your friendship, support, mentorship, conversation, and your 'dom-ness', and that I had been thinking hard about how, while I didn't think living together would be a good idea any time soon, I still wanted to be 'yours'.

You still are the first thing I think about when I make a decision, even now, and believe it or not, our un-marriage is still important to me. In the conversation I requested, that you turned down, I was wanting to ask how you felt about still being my primary, whether or not I was the same to you. The texts about missing you, about wanting you around were an indicator of how constantly i was thinking about you, even when divided, and I am unutterably sorry that they made you unhappy.
Clearly, a D/s relationship, particularly one that involves living apart can't work without trust, so what I was asking for isn't possible, and I accept that, but I wanted you to know what I had in mind. You were never, ever, one of a stable, or on a level with anyone else, and I always felt more that I was at your beck and call than vice versa - I certainly would have been if you'd requested it, and it wasn't that I saw you only at my convenience, but only as much as I dared.

As for the trust thing, I'm just going to bullet point a couple of things.

Trip to storage: ignoring all previous track record, which you tell me is meaningless, surely the fact that when you've checked, nothing has gone missing should count for something?
Sexual safety: Three reasons I hadn't talked about this with you (which I admit was remiss of me).
Firstly, you got very upset when I talked about my date with C, so I came to the conclusion it was best not to bring these things up unless I had to.
Secondly, since you told me you already assumed that I *was* playing with new people (which at the time was untrue), after that it seemed pointless to not go ahead and do it anyway, since you were already working on the assumption that it was the case.
Thirdly, when I did give in, I was still limiting my activities to very low risk (clothes-on teasing, spanking, play with toys that had condoms over) both because of the newness of the relationship and because I still had not (have not, necessarily) rescinded my fluid bonding with you. However, this was also one of the things I wanted/needed to discuss with you when I was asking for a meet-up.

For now, anyway, I'm just going to do what feels right, which for the moment means taking my time, looking after myself, focusing, when I can, on work, and spending time with my support network, with my friends and my family, both adoptive and real. Maybe a little play, if and when it feels safe. Though after our last phone conversation and an event last week that flashed me straight back to May 15th, which I wanted to talk to you about as well, I actually think I'm going to be off even low-level stuff for a long while again because I'm getting nausea, shakes and bursting into tears every time I think about sex, or kink again.

Being sensible about things sucks, but it's better than the alternative.

...

Still Alive

2008-08-17T23:47:00.004+01:00

Sorry I haven't really felt like writing a lot lately. I am still around, and at some point will be back and talkative, but for the moment, I don't really want to share.

Red.

x

Okay, I just want to add the one thing. I miss Mountain like crazy :(

2008-06-17T09:21:00.002+01:00

Still out of the city, still celibate. Looking after myself, but kindof lonely. (Friends are sympathetic, but not really understanding my situation. ) Watched the last couple of chapters of the Secretary, having found it in Lawyer's collection, and of course, I cried.

Going back to the City on Thursday. I'm a bit ambivalent about it, really. Not sure what to expect, or even to hope for. I still feel I want time off from relationships, but working at the moment means being in the City, which means Mountain and Nice Guy, and that's a pain.
I'm so tired of again and again being pushed to choose between people I care about. I always thought the point of being poly ought to be my not having to.

Moving On

2008-06-12T02:45:00.003+01:00

So we're three weeks into my period of celibacy. It's been odd, first staying with Nice Guy on a platonic basis - he was kind enough to put me up for a couple of weeks, as the trip to Canada wiped out a lot more of our savings than it should have done, and I needed a place to stay. Then moving into a studio flat with Mountain because neither of us could afford a separate place. We've been sharing a bed, but I've stuck to my vow, and he has mostly been a calming influence.

I'm not going to deny I miss it.
Since I was about 15 sex has been my favourite recreation, my stress relief, my daily exercise and my escape from the dullness of reality.
Sure I've had periods where I was single, or didn't have a partner nearby for weeks at a time, but it's been different this time. Harder, in that my stress levels are still sky high. At the moment we're relying on my sole income, and that's irregular at best, having spent everything we had left on our first month's rent, and not sure when the next money is coming in. Plus things are still so up in the air emotionally. On the other hand, it's been easier because while my body may have been yelling otherwise, mentally I haven't really wanted to. The damage we did in Canada is still hanging around, and I think will take some time to heal. 90% of the time right now, I start crying as soon as I get turned on -not exactly sexy!

So I have another week or so to go before I hit my minimum time, which happens to come just before the one year anniversary of Mountain and I first getting together. I didn't plan it that way, and I'm not even sure I'll be ready. I'm actually quite nervous about re-entering the world of sex again. I feel like an alcoholic contemplating going back to his former job as a wine-taster. Am I really going to be able to control it? Plus it has so many negative associations now, I'm not sure I even want to go back. Maybe I should go and find an agnostic convent...

The other issue playing on my mind is the Nice Guy/Mountain disaster. Ever since NG acted like a major idiot before christmas, Mountain has disapproved of my association with him. I can understand why, as they've not exactly seen the best side of each other, but it's a problem for me. Mountain is still probably my primary partner, and he's certainly the man I'm sharing a flat with for the near future, but NG is special to me too. He's been the friend who was there when I needed it most, my safe haven and shoulder to cry on, and before things went pear shaped last year, the most generous lover I've ever had. We had plenty of time to talk while I was staying there, and we're both well in agreement that we'd never work as primary partners again. I can see that he's learned (as have I) from what went wrong last year, and I'd very much like him back in my life, although on a less regular basis than we were, and not just on a platonic basis.
It's hard. Mountain has very carefully not given me an ultimatum (anyone giving me one of those usually gets an automatic goodbye, unless it's a safety issue), but he's made 'I might not be able to cope with this' type noises, of the sort I've learned to dread. I'd really like to get away from both of them for a good while, sort out my head and my business, and come back from a more independent position, *then* see how things go. I guess I can hope.

At least I'm going to be away for a few days - I'm going to go and spend some time with Optimus and Lawyer, and hopefully a few other friends from Friday to the middle of next week, and hopefully come back to the City refreshed and relaxed again. Have a good week, all!

Red.

x

Scary and Unexpected Decision

2008-05-18T22:27:00.003+01:00

Mountain and I are back from Canada, after a row that saw us both end up in scary emotional places on our very last night there.

As things stand, we're not a couple right now, but we're going to keep supporting each other and spending time together, at least for a while, and see how things go.

As a result of this I've done some serious soul searching and made a decision that's likely to surprise a lot of people: I'm going to be celibate for a month or two.

Why?

I'm breaking the pattern. I've always had a high sex drive, ever since I first discovered it, but over the last few years I have found myself in a similar pattern with a lot of partners, primary and otherwise of *needing* sex, rather than just wanting it, and putting the relationship under strain, which then becomes a vicious cycle as I tend to use sex as my main outlet for stress. No longer. The last couple of days have really brought it home to me how unhealthy that is, and I want to put a stop to it.

I suspect I'm always going to have a high sex drive, and I'll always love sex, but the last thing I want is to be bullying, blackmailing or begging my partners into sharing something that ought to be a joy and freely given.

So drastic measures. No sex for me for a while. I'm still going to be spending a lot of time with Mountain, and even though we're still both quite fragile, I think he'll be a big help, but it is quite a step into the unknown. Wish me luck guys!

Red
x

Sometimes it feels good to be irrational

2008-04-30T11:08:00.002+01:00

Scarlet says:
Stupid men. All the goddamn same

Poet says:
Aren't they just

Scarlet says:
All except x, at least

And he's a headfuck too

Poet says:
Who is all the same in a different way but just as annoying?

Scarlet says:
Rofl

Yeah

He's all the same in a different way.

I love you, poet lady
xxx

A Letter to Malekind

2008-04-28T06:55:00.008+01:00

This is a rant I've been meaning to write for some time now. Yes, it applies to current partners, and ex partners, and occasional playmates, and all of the men I've ever been involved with, with of course the one notable exception. Sorry Guys, hope the truth doesn't bite too hard.

Dear Men,

I would like to remind you that your penis is not the most important part of your anatomy when it comes to pleasing a woman. Yes, I know that you'll have heard this before. We are supposedly the sexually educated generation. You know where the clitoris is and how to use it. You've not only heard and understood the word 'cunnilingus' but you've read in books and mens magazines at least a hundred tips on how to improve on it. You know that the best tool for reaching the g-spot is your fingertips. You've flipped through the illustrated Kama Sutra, or at least the GQ or Loaded version of it, and though you chuckled in disbelief at some of the more gymnastic positions you feel you have it pretty well covered. It's all there, in textbook format, in your little skulls. You feel you can rest easy in the assurance that you know how to satisfy a woman.

I've got to tell you, something's still missing.

Without being indiscriminate, I've managed to have a fair few partners in my time, enough to have an informed opinion on this topic. While I love men dearly, I've got to say I've only had one male lover that actually managed to leave me satisfied on a consistent basis. (In case any of you reading this are about to come to the wrong conclusions - i.e. that it might be *you*, I have spoken to him and told him so in the past week)
Guys, this is pretty disappointing. I am not a hard girl to please. Unlike many women, I do not have trouble achieving orgasm. A little foreplay and I'm panting, a tickle in the right place and I'm coming, and an extra fingers worth of pressure on *that* spot and I've practically lost consciousness. Hell, I've come from just being *talked to* the right way. Honestly, just five minutes worth of effort a day and I'm a happy girl. So how exactly is it that in my roughly 12 years of sexual experience with guys, I have met only one man that could be bothered with that?

Five minutes a day? Most of you spend longer than that on one bathroom break.

I do believe that loving someone occasionally means putting yourself out for them. Sometimes doing things that you might not be in the mood for, knowing that it will make your lover happy, because love means giving as well as taking. In this specific context I am talking about putting out for your lover when they're horny and you're not.
I'm not saying you need to pretend to be anything you're not, or do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable, but say you're just not in the mood, you're not tired, you're not sick, you just don't feel like playing but your partner does - okay, so nothing in the world is going to help you get an erection if you're really not horny, but you have hands, you have a mouth, you probably have a toy or two to fall back on if you want a helping hand, too. Why not use them?

Sure, I preach what I practise - Even with a sex drive as high as mine, I've had occasions when I just didn't feel like it and my partner did. A couple of my Significant Others, for example, have been what you might call 'early risers', and I am just not a morning person, but I enjoyed the opportunity to be generous without the distraction of my own bits crying out for attention.

Having mentioned erections... I adore mutual pleasure. Simultaneous orgasm is my favourite thing in the world, and with guys I well know that's usually the end of sex, so why not make sure that it is, in fact, the climax? By this I mean, you've heard all the shebang about foreplay being important for a woman to be properly satisfied, about making sure she's properly turned on, preferably even orgasmic *before* penetration. You can repeat it like a mantra, knowing that it makes you appear clued up, sensitive and sexy. I can suggest a better use for this information. Use it.
Not just once (presumably just to prove you can). Every day.

And say you're in the middle of sex, or foreplay, and you come up against the horrifying, but inevitable experience of not being able to get it up, for heaven's sake man, you have other options - instead of being led by your smaller brain that's telling you it's time to curl up and hide, try thinking of someone else for a change and use your other available body parts. Who knows, while your mind is busy elsewhere, you may even come back online. At worst you have one satisfied lover, instead of a frustrated, lip-biting, trying-to-be-understanding one, at best you have a chance to turn the whole situation around and make it a session to remember.
I've been around a few years, I've been in the situation a few times, and sure I've been understanding, I've been nice. Even on the one particularly memorable occasion when I was left rather uncomfortably tied to a wooden frame and ignored for a good half hour while a pair of confidence crises played themselves out. I know it's not always easy when your body's doing things you didn't expect, but boy was it appreciated when One man (yes, *that* one), just one that I've met actually acted on that advice.
Boys, you talk the talk, what do we have to do to get you to walk the walk?

Remember, Guys: Your hands, not your cocks, are the best tools to make your girl happy. You've heard it, you can repeat it at will, now act on it, damn you.

With love and exasperation,

Red.

Nine Months, 30 days

2008-04-24T09:06:00.002+01:00

My mother always told me 'if you can't think of anything good to say, don't say anything at all'. So this is going to be a very short post.

Well, okay, there are good parts. I'm still healthy, Canada is still beautiful, and I am still in love with Mountain. Some days are just harder than others, and there seem to be a lot of those since we've been away.

Another positive thought: we're going 'home' in less than a month.

A Landmark in a Foreign Land

2008-03-25T10:19:00.002Z

So today I am officially Mountain's longest standing relationship. Yesterday (the 24th) was the nine month 'anniversary' of our first getting together, and amazingly he has had two relationships end on that same day, so we decided to wait until the day after to celebrate (that and the restaurant we wanted to eat at is closed on mondays).
We would still have a few years to go yet to 'beat' my longest primary relationship, but it means a lot to me that it makes him happy. Plus, being a contrary girl, the best way to see me stick around, logically, is to ask me *not* to commit - which is precisely what my mountain man did. I certainly have no intention of going anywhere anytime soon.

It's hard to believe how quickly it's gone, especially the last couple of months. We've been in canada since the 24th of January, and the time has flown past. It's been a rollercoaster at times. Sometimes ecstatic, occasionally miserable, but we've very much been a team through it all. I'm certain there will be plenty more to deal with along the way, including finding housing and jobs when we get back to the City, but having got this far I'm feeling less worried about what's to come.

We're leaving the snow resort at the end of the week, and then plan on touring around friends and relatives until we leave in mid May. It's a long time away, still, but I'm certain it will fly away even faster than our time here has.

I'm looking forward to heading back to the City with a mixture of excitement and trepidation. I've been missing my friends, missing the city lifestyle, missing having my own space, and places to go when I feel like getting away. On the other hand, I've been enjoying the lack of pollution and mess, the freedom to set my own hours, and obviously the ski resort aspect of the place. I'm also not looking forward to looking for a job again. Dealing with the as-and-when of wanting to see my occasional loves again, and maybe Nice Guy, and/or maybe other people will be a new challenge as well, as I've definitely been off the market since we've been out here, for the sake of avoiding complication. This means there's been nobody else on the scene, really, since I accepted Mountain as Primary Partner at New Year.
Ah well, I shall cross that bridge once we've sailed over the ocean in between here and there!

Red
x

Settling In

2008-02-09T06:34:00.001Z

Finally, after a couple of weeks here, Mountain and I are starting to get into some sort of rhythm, although it's a knackering one. Winter sports during the day and working at night, leaves very little energy for anything else. It can't be helped, but I am a little bit frustrated. There haven't been any days without cuddles, but there have been days without play, and I struggle with that.

Also I miss Nice Guy. In some ways it's been good getting some distance, having a break from the intensity, and most definitely from the negative cycles we'd been in for the last few months, but I do miss the positive side of things, and the... him-ness of him.

I still don't know if I could chance getting back together, only to find that he still hasn't clicked with the same issues we had before: that essentially my deeply held belief is that love is about enjoying sharing another person's happiness - even if their happiness isn't with you (though I do know how amazing it can be when it *is*), whereas his idea of love seems to be a more ritualised duty-based system, which led to some serious resentment on both sides when he wasn't getting 'his fair share'.

When it comes to love, nobody can claim that any one way is the right way, but it can be seriously painful when you don't have the same one.

On a more positive note, the difference between Mountain's style of relationship and mine came up in conversation quite naturally the other day, and the resulting discussion was quite reassuring. While he's happiest playing just with me or with me and someone else together, I'm still inclined to play with friends and other lovers one-on-one, and on a slightly more casual basis, and in principle that is fine with both of us. We will talk about it again no doubt, when the situation arises, but for now I'm happy to let it rest, and I'm content that when and if problems do arise, we'll work through it together.

I should really have trusted that when Mountain expressed poly ideals he meant it, but I've been through so many situations where partners claimed to agree, or at least to understand, and then changed their minds later, it's a hard thing to take on faith.

A question for you: There's clearly no right answer, but how would *you* define love?

Canada

2008-01-26T05:18:00.000Z

So this is it - we're here.
There were points over the last few weeks when I really thought we wouldn't make it. It was only when I burst into tears on Mountain’s shoulder halfway through the flight that I realized just how much I’d been holding my breath ever since we decided to go away together.
Breaking up with Nice Guy made things so much scarier – thinking of accidental monogamy still takes me back to the whole mess with Tallboy, where he'd got used to having me to himself, and how hard that was on both of us. Mountain is poly, but he and I still have slightly different views on what that may mean, in terms of casualness of relationships - I think there may need to be more discussion along the way.
Hopefully that's all it will need to be though, as I'm realising more and more how well our life-plans fit together. We both love to travel, and have chosen careers that fit in with that. This trip is a first experiment into what could become a way of life. A few months away, enjoying ourselves, working a little, learning new skills. A few months back in the City, saving money and seeing friends and loved ones, and then away again to do something and somewhere else new – sounds idyllic, doesn’t it?

It is odd, being here, things being so different to how we planned – We’ve both lost the jobs that we expected to be doing remotely while we were out here. Neither of us has a home to go back to, and I have lost my most major relationship, as well. Partly, I guess, as a result of my wanting to travel in the first place. It’s sad, but quite freeing, at the same time, to have no ties to pull us back. If we like it here there’s nothing* to stop us staying. The world is our oyster… for as long as we’re happy being an ‘us’.
I’m not going to take it for granted though – to me that’s the end of a happy relationship anyway. If you know your lover could choose to leave tomorrow, you want to make it worth sticking around, don’t you?

*except Visa applications

Tying up loose ends (and un-tying knots)

2008-01-09T15:37:00.000Z

Mountain and I only just got around to composing an email for friends announcing our un-gagement, only two months after the fact. This is how busy we've been! Still, I think it's fantastic that, not only do we still want to be together, but we're happier than ever, despite the stress and strain of packing and moving and not having enough time to do everything.

I'm meeting Nice Guy for lunch tomorrow, giving him back his keys (not much point having them if I'm going to be on a different continent, after all!), and exchanging a couple of other odds and ends, plus making our goodbyes. Not as much time as I'd hoped, but as always we've left things to the last minute and underestimated the time they needed.

Cancelled our plans to go out to the cinema tonight for some much needed us-time. We've been too fraught to do anything other than come home and go straight to sleep the last few days, get up, go to work, go out til late, then repeat. I can't wait til all the packing is over and we're on the plane heading away from all of this!

Seeing Duchess tomorrow night, too, and at least managed a quick catch up with Miss Sunshine on the phone yesterday. I'll miss everyone back here, but I'm already looking forward to catching up and sharing stories when we get back.

Hooray for optimism!

Red
x

Snapshot of happiness, in amongst boxes.

2008-01-08T08:55:00.000Z

Waking up with cuddles, helping each other through, talking about the things, places, and people we'd like to explore, making plans to achieve it and getting out there and doing it. This is what I want my life to be.

The flat is a tip as we're mid-packing to leave the continent for three months and everything is going into storage. I'm doing the bulk of that right now, as my work is the more flexible. I don't mind, Mountain does plenty when he can. Kitten has been a sweetie and not complained about the mess.

We're a week into the New Year already. My year of Me is essentially over, and Mountain asked me just after the turn of the year if I would 'accept him as my primary partner'. We have rather defaulted into that state anyway, since I broke up with NG, but I think it was particularly good that he asked and didn't assume. We talked some about what that meant to each of us, and I said it was a thing I would want to re-check often, possibly on a daily basis, which he is happy with. I recalled a thing he had said a while back which I thought was beautiful, and the only realistic committment vow possible: "I love you today. I'll love you tomorrow, and I hope I can say the same then."

I also saw Tallboy at the weekend. Hard to believe how many months have flown by, while I've gone from one life-crisis to another, with jobs and housing, and constant battles with NG's insecurity I feel like I've almost missed the year passing entirely. I wish I'd had more time to spend with him - I would have liked to stay the night, but we were double booked and he was leaving at silly in the morning. If I can afford it, I will have to go out and visit after Canada. (My life has become defined as B.C. and A.C. - Before Canada and After Canada)
Seeing Duchess and NG one last time each before we go to France, both very much squeezed in, and we'll be having a leaving party in the three days between France and Canada. I wish there was more time to scoot round and visit people. I have a feeling I'm not going to get chance to see Miss Sunshine before I go, and it's been months since we had any cuddle time. At least I got to see her and Gamer briefly before Christmas. At least I have one love right here with me. I'm just looking forward to getting the packing over and done with, and getting out there and reaping what we've sown already.

I love you today, I'll love you tomorrow, and I hope I can say the same then.

Pasta related almost proposals...

2008-01-08T00:25:00.000Z

Mountain threatened to take back his 'antiposal' last night (when he asked me to Not marry him) - apparently he has sworn for years that if he meets a woman who makes better lasagna than his mother, he'll marry her... and last night's dish was on the border of that. That's a little eep - it's perhaps a good job we're leaving the country and won't have access to a kitchen for a few months!

Merry Christmas to All

2007-12-25T19:52:00.000Z

I have had a lovely christmas, and in fact a very good year, and I'm in fact immensely happy with my life as it is. Over the last month or so though, it seems it has been a case of one door closes, another... closes.

My housing situation got so silly I came to the conclusion it was stupid to carry on paying rent when one of my housemates (the one that ran off with our money over the summer) had already been evicted, the rest of us hadn't the slightest clue what was going on, and I was at home so rarely I was starting to expect to come home and find that the landlords had moved my things out without telling me. Mountain had already offered to look after my things while we went to Canada, so we found a day, and I roped him and Nice Guy into helping move my things across the City, which is precisely when things went rather pear-shaped.

I don't really want to go into the details too far - this log is intended to be about poly life, it isn't about picking apart people I still care about. However NG made a comment to Mountain that implied something so untrue, and so deeply offensive to both of us that it just couldn't be ignored, and compounded it by asking him to keep it 'not for my ears'.

It feels almost silly to end a relationship over a comment, but believe me, it was not a small niggle, but a fundamental issue relating to my entire philosophy, and only demonstrated that NG had been managing to appear on track while completely missing the point. Having tried so hard to teach these principles (relating to both polyamory, and BDSM) by talking through them, by demonstrating, by living them and supporting him through having trouble with them, and to still find that not only am I getting nowhere, but there are other people I love being hurt in the process, that has to be where I draw the line.

So, reluctantly, I have broken up with Nice Guy, which has left me in a rather unexpected position of living solely with Mountain for the period up until we go to Canada, where I had been expecting to spend much of my time at NG's house.
Just to top this, the company I have been working with since April announced a couple of days later that they can't afford to keep the office open, which to some extent makes no difference to me, as I was going away anyway, but it does mean that money is tighter through January. This was precisely the same day that Mountain's company also announced that they were laying staff off, so he too will be looking for work when we get back to the City and, scarily, I may end up supporting us both on my savings for a little bit.

So I'm once again in a state of flux over Christmas time - no permanent home, no job, and accidentally monogamous - again, although at least this time with a person who shares my views on relationships and identified as poly well before he met me, which does make it a whole lot less scary. It's a whole lot easier to give something up knowing that one can take it back again when it's needed.
There are other positives too. Nice Guy actually seems happier now we're apart - the pressure is off our relationship, and we are determined to stay friends. I have all the energy I had been spending on supporting him to spare for work and friends, as well. The extra time I've been spending with Mountain has been fantastic, and I have loved living with him and his housemate, Kitten. I'm hoping we can all move back in together when we get back to the City, though it will involve a lot of talking through and examination of boundaries (mostly between Mountain and myself).
Being adopted into Optimus's household over Christmas has been amazing, too, his family accepted me instantly as one of their own, and made me feel so at home. It really has been lovely, and I was so glad I put some effort into their presents, as it made me very happy indeed to see the resulting smiles.

Looking back over the last year, I feel I have learned a lot about myself and what I want and need in life. I have realised just how important it is to me to have both freedom and independence. I have learned a lot more about where my boundaries are, in and out of the bedroom, and a few things about other people's, too. I have made some fantastic new friends, and gained at least one relationship I expect to last for many years to come. Sadly, I have also come to the conclusion that it probably isn't worth the effort to attempt to have major relationships with people who aren't already poly. I certainly don't have the energy at the moment, anyway. I intend over the next year to put a lot more time and effort into getting my career on some sort of path, and pay attention to the people I already have in my life, rather than look for anything new, even if that means being essentially monogamous for the moment.

My year of freedom hasn't quite been spent single, but I have found that the important part of what I wanted is still with me - the autonomy to go where and with whom I want, and when. Right now, that just happens to involve staying in one place.

Wishing you all a very merry Christmas and a happy new year.

Red

x

Huge Events

2007-11-25T21:11:00.000Z

I can't believe it's a month since I blogged, but in another sense I can't believe it's only been a month, considering everything that's going on in my life. I am going to try and change the way I do this again - shorter entries, and more regular, as there's just no way I can keep backtracking so far.

Over the last month, I've run around all over the country, met up with more friends and more than friends (Miss Sunshine, Tigger, Missy...) whom I haven't seen in ages, and had some relative bombshells.

I'm still struggling with the housing issue - the housemate that had disappeared with our money over the summer has either left or been evicted, and nobody is quite sure which. The landlords seem to be refusing entirely to communicate with us, and we've lost our broadband connection at home. I'm visiting the place about once a week now, and spending most of my time either at Mountain's flat, or in Nice Guy's house. I fully expect to hear more talk of eviction before the month is out, and I'm preparing to move before I'm pushed. Especially since it looks like I'm going to be out of the country again very shortly.

It's been a year of learning, this one, and part of what I've learned is that love is a much bigger part of who I am than I had realised. I've gone from being determinedly single to having two primary partners - again - it seems to be almost a natural state for me. So I'm arranging schedules like a plate spinner, with some inevitable cock-ups, but in general poly seems to be working for me still. I'm blessedly lucky to be in love with two men who feel the same way about me, and who each respect my relationship with the other. I wish we could spend more time all together, but I guess you can't have everything!

Things with Nice Guy are somewhat back on track - I had a massive panic last weekend, when I entirely wrongly predicted how he would respond to news about my relationship with Mountain, and nearly called it a day before he had a chance to react, but blessedly he picked the perfect time to snap back to being the mature, self-possessed and balanced man that I first fell for, and we are perhaps stronger than we were before.

The news about Mountain: We have decided to become 'Un-gaged' - Over a glorious weekend out of the City, he asked me to Not marry him, and I said yes. The point being that while neither of us believe in marriage, we see no reason why we should have to lose out on hen nights and stag parties, and the whole shebang, so we intend to celebrate our us-ness in as honest and as 'us' a fashion as we can. Invitations to our detrothal party will be sent out when we can figure out when to hold it.
The other news about me and Mountain: We are going to be leaving the country for just over three months, as of mid-January, to France for a week, and then to Canada. I will definitely have web access for the Canada part of the journey (no way I could live that long without it), and I will have fewer distractions, so with any luck I might actually manage to update *more* often, rather than less. I have a lot of philosophising that I want to do that I've been putting off since around April, so it's not that I'll have nothing to say.
I'm going to miss NG like crazy, and The City, but it's going to be a fantastic trip and an amazing opportunity to cloister myself in a cabin and Get Some Work Done in gorgeous surroundings, so there's no way I could pass it up.

I'm also looking forward to spending Christmas with Optimus and his parents, who I think are fantastic. Lovely, open-minded and creative people - he invited me when he was in the City, and it sounded so perfect and idyllic I couldn't think of a better place to be. We have plans to catch me up on the childrens books I missed when I was little (because I was too busy reading encyclopaedias) and generally be cute and fluffy and forget about the big cynical outside world for a few days.

Me, optimistic? Maybe a little...

Time and healing

2007-10-19T02:27:00.000+01:00

Quick update - Nice Guy and I are trying again, but it's not the same as it was. Things are still somewhat poignant between us, and I think it will be a while before I'm entirely comfortable around him. His right hand is still swollen where he punched the door of his dining room hard enough to crack it, and it makes me wince every time I notice it. We spent the whole of Monday talking about what went wrong, and I learned a few things about past relationships of his that made what happened, while still not excusable, at least understandable. Now all we have to do is see it never happens again... a hard one, that.

The weekend with Mountain was amazing, though, and he has been so supportive and lovely, as well as being a much needed distraction when I've needed it. I'm very glad he's a part of my life as well.

Off to see Thespian tomorrow, and will be popping in on another couple of friends in the area. The upset with Nice Guy has made me realise just how much my world has shrunk down lately to two men, plus work, eat and sleep, and I'm taking the chance to catch up with friends I haven't seen in a long time while I have a couple of weekends free.

Feeling like Humpty-Dumpty

2007-10-13T01:29:00.000+01:00

Up and down, up and down, I've been feeling very much like a little tug-boat in a storm lately. Tonight I feel like I finally landed, but on some nice sharp jagged rocks, and only now the bottom's out of the boat and it's too late, discovered the bit of flotsam that was jamming the motor fell out somewhere along the way.

This morning Nice Guy and I went shopping with another girlfriend of his, Historicist, who I hadn't met before. She was apparently rather nervous about meeting me. Not only is she not poly, but she's very new to the whole field of relationships in general, so I could understand that. However we clicked quite quickly, as she's a bright and intelligent (and slightly geeky) sort of girl, and not only got, but actually *liked* my jokes (a rare event!) and it turned out to be a really enjoyable day in the City. This evening, however, not quite so fun.

I've been having some major talks with Nice Guy lately, some of them quite heated, about the state of our relationship, where things are going, where things are going with other people, and some factors involving sexual health and safety - one of the complicated things about polyamory is that if you make a mistake on that front, you're affecting *all* of your lovers, and possibly theirs too, so a lot of thinking, caring and frank discussion tends to be needed. Because I've been considering trying some new things with Mountain, it's brought up a lot of new things that needed to be discussed, some of which have been quite uncomfortable for one or other of us.

Ironically, things were actually going quite well when everything went pear-shaped. We were back at NG's house, having invited Scaredycat over to catch up, and we'd been talking things over more, and actually getting places. I'd had a couple of impatient responses, and was feeling quite small and selfish, but I'd asked for a couple of minutes out of discussion, some processing time, and was just drawing myself up to be adult and sensible and yes, ethical about things - to agree to wait and discuss more and to respect boundaries that weren't my own, for the sake of love. Disaster though - he panicked at me withdrawing, and prodded. And prodded. And kept pushing, despite my asking him to please, just stop for a minute or two.
Kept pushing until I ran and hid and then carried on even after I literally begged him to just stop. Pushed on right until I hit breaking point.
Things actually got worse still. I'll not go on too much, I know he wasn't intending to do me any harm, but my god, a six foot plus adult male having a histrionic fit, threatening to break doors down and punching walls is bloody scary. As is one that's trying to stop you leaving the building when you're too upset and scared to stay around.

The really gutting thing, though, is that just a few hours ago, a few hours *after* all this, Nice Guy rang to say that he'd spent two hours on the phone with Mountain, they'd talked about a lot of the things he'd been worrying about, he was feeling a lot happier and a lot more hopeful.
Just that little bit too late.
It's early days, and I know things may feel different in the morning, but right now, it feels like we're over. One of the things that made me feel so very good with my Nice Guy was the sense of safety I felt around him, and it's gone. We'd had similar rows before, and he'd said he would learn to stop pushing, and it hasn't happened, instead it seems to be worse than ever. He promised me this evening that he'd not do it again and I've realised I don't think there's anything on this earth that would make me believe that. I can't promise not to need time out during a row, and don't honestly believe he is capable of staying rational enough to *not* react to that the same way as this evening. I can't see any sort of resolution to that.
Just the way we couldn't help pushing each others buttons put me in a situation I never want to be in again, which does not mean good things for the relationship.

On a more positive note, the support-network side of poly very much came into its own tonight - I am intensely grateful to Miss Sunshine, who was good enough to call NG as a favour to me to check he was okay, after I walked out of his house. I'm grateful to Scaredycat, who was good-natured about my messing him around as to where we were meeting up, and provided much-needed platonic hugs. And I'm immensely grateful to Mountain for being his usual caring, likeable and insightful self (I wonder if it's tempting fate to wonder where the catch is there...). In some ways I'm quite fluffy about NG as well, since after he calmed down he was concerned enough about my feelings to let me know that he was ok, and to finally bite the bullet and have a proper talk with Mountain, even if it was too late.

Unfortunately that's the bit that makes me feel like I've been gutted with a shovel - I still care very deeply for NG, it's clear that he still loves me, and from what he said after having spoken to Mountain it was starting to look like things could really work out in more long term ways, too. Except that I think that, earlier tonight, he broke what made us 'us'.

I don't know quite where things are heading now. Scaredycat is going to come with me to see NG in the morning-not for my protection, but because they get on well, and I'm hoping that a little social time without being 'relationship' time, might help a bit (Plus NG already bought in the beers, so it would seem a waste otherwise!). I still want the man in my life, but at the moment I can't quite see how that's going to be. Personal space is as much a friendship issue as it is in any other kind of relationship, so it's definitely going to need some thinking about. Then in the evening I'm due to be fetish clubbing with Mountain. At the moment, I'm looking forward to some much-needed catharsis.
Right now, anyway, the thing I need most is sleep, so I'll post this and get my head onto the pillow.

Fingers crossed it all looks better in the morning!

Red.

No Babies for me, Thankyou.

2007-10-05T10:34:00.000+01:00

Two weeks ago I made the final decision on a thing that will probably affect me for the rest of my life, and by god it came as a relief.

At 25 I have been eligible to vote on the running of my country for seven years, able to drive for eight, and legally able to consent to sex for almost a decade, yet the final say on whether or not I reproduce was not in my hands up until a fortnight ago.

I have never been the maternal type. I was not the sort of little girl that played with dolls, pushed prams, talked to teddy bears. I was not the sort of teenager that fantasised about her ideal wedding, and two point four children. That part of my identity has always been very secure - I have no interest in passing on my genes.
I do, on the other hand, have a healthy sex drive, and an incurable interest in the opposite sex (believe me, I've tried!). Celibacy is not an option. So, from puberty onwards, contraception has been an increasingly important issue in my life. And an increasingly frustrating one.

My family are immensely fertile - both of my parents come from large families, including some 'happy accidents'. My mother was pregnant within days of coming off the contraceptive pill. My aunts, uncles and cousins have all produced children the minute they wanted to.
Whilst I have none of my own, I've never been in any doubt that I could conceive in minutes, were I inclined to, but I'm not, have never been, and believe I never will be.
I am also intensely opposed to the idea of accidental pregnancies. I don't believe that any child should be born as the result of a broken condom, or a missed pill. I also don't believe in abortion as a method of contraception. A last resort yes, and I would consider it kinder to my unborn potential child than my carrying it to term, but a plan I hope never to have to put into force.

On the other hand, I am in a small number of women who react badly to *every form of contraception on the market* and believe me, I am qualified to say that. Hormone treatments - the pill, implants, injections etc. have some very scary effects on my mood, leading me to antidepressants and worse before I realised what was at the root of the problem. (There are whole segments of my life that I can look back on and be amazed that I survived it, let alone achieved anything, while I was using them.)
I have expelled two coils, and had a third removed as an emergency. There have been other problems, other scares and other issues, and all the while I have known that I am going through all of these temporary measures for the one reason alone: The medical profession would not let me make the final decision.

It is fairly well known fact that the NHS will not sterilise women under 35, other than in extreme circumstances, and are loath to do it if she hasn't already had children. All very noble in intention, and very nanny state- they don't want any woman to make an irreversible decision that she may come to regret, but it leaves women like me in a hell of a bind.

It is a less well known fact that there are almost no organisations that will sterilise a woman under 25, even privately.

I was 23 when I started making formal enquiries. I had exhausted every available option, my primary relationship was under strain because of it. I was stressed, I was paranoid, but I was still reasoned and fair thinking, and I was willing to put up my own savings to pay for it.

I went through counselling and discussions with doctors, and jumped through all of the hoops that I was asked to, was deemed sane and eligible, and perfectly appropriate for the operation by all of the right people - except, importantly, the surgeon, and *still* was turned down, on no other grounds but my age.
I had been able to vote for five years, nearly six, driving for seven and sexually active for longer than that, and doctors left me to take risks with my relationship, my sanity and my health all because of a rule that said *they could say no* if they felt uncomfortable operating on me because of my age.

Two more years of agonising, paranoia, arguments and stress, and finally I turned 25 and hit the arbitrary age bracket where I could make the decision, and of course, I jumped at the chance, but they kept me guessing until the very last minute as to whether they would go through with it.

My confidence had been so knocked by my previous experience, I didn't dare guess at which way it would go.
I didn't mention it except to the people who really needed to know. My family were out of the loop, and most of my friends, because I just couldn't face talking to everyone about it knowing I might be turned down again.
I was prepared to write angry letters to the papers, to start campaigning and making a noise out in public if I was turned down again - anything better than collapsing in a miserable heap, after all, and where else could I go?

To my huge relief, they did go through with it, however. I have two small keyhole scars, which will probably disappear entirely over the next few months, a bit of tenderness in my belly, and a sense of an enormous weight having been lifted off my shoulders.

But I am still angry.
How dare these people dictate whether or not I am right to choose not to breed.
Who is anyone to tell me, as an adult, what I can and can't do with my body?
Why did I have to jump through any hoops at all, and why did I have to pay through the nose for my decision?
As a country we are overpopulated. As an individual, my decision to not have children means that the state will not have to pay for their education, I will draw no child benefit, no child tax credit, no maternity pay. I will spend more time working and therefore pay more tax, and the money I save by not spending it on little people, will no doubt cover the pension that the government won't be able to afford to give me when I'm over 65. My decision will save you money.

I'm not expecting everyone to agree with my choice, and I have nothing at all against people who do choose to be parents (in fact, I have an immense respect for people that do, and do it well), but I still feel that it should have been *entirely* my decision, and mine to choose from the minute I could legally consent to sex, not the best part of ten years later.
Surely it only makes sense - If a woman is qualified to make the decision to have sex, then shouldn't she also be qualified to decide what the outcome will be?*

Yours, vociferously,

Red.
x

*Yes, i know, there will probably be smart alecs telling me that the male has a say in these things as well, but sorry guys, until science comes up with a way for you to be carrying the child, I say the final decision can and should always rest with the woman.

____
In other news:

Nice Guy has been fantastic in looking after me since my operation (thank you, monster!).
I've come up on a compromise in the rooming situation, but it's left me with just a single bed for the moment, which is a slight pain.
I have a possible engagement with Fetish Diva next week, and I am away for the weekend with Mountain & friends at a wedding.

- Life isn't perfect, but it's definitely worth celebrating!

My Lesbian Lover is Someone Else's Wife

2007-09-16T04:10:00.000+01:00

(A different kind of happily ever after?)

When I first started blogging, I was happy. Happy that I was finally starting to escape the emotional blackmail and agony that was my experience of monogamy. I was in love with two men, and blind to everything but the fact that I was in love with both of them. I didn't see their faults, mine, or the fault-lines in our relationships. I let them both treat my natural tendency towards multiple relationships as a guilty, dirty secret because I accepted their 'need for privacy' as a part of them. It was only later that I came to realise that actually, neither of them was happy. Tallboy was 'putting up with' my behaviour because he was scared of losing me. It was a shock to realise that, apparently, I had been the one holding him to ransom. That he'd been making arbitrary rules as a means to try and keep some sort of control, and it was a shock when I found out just how scared he was of other people thinking him a 'cuckold'. It still makes my chest tighten a bit to think about it. Busybee... well, he's still something of a mystery. To me, to Duchess, and I suspect to himself. I still can't help having both warm and wistful thoughts about both of them, but they're not major parts in my life any more.

So why am I thinking about things so far in the past, and so painful? Because over the last few weeks, the last few months, I've started finally to realise what an excellent job those two men (and, admittedly, a previously monogamist-centred upbringing) did of making me feel bad about myself, just by being the way they were, and because I'm starting to realise just how much I'd actually internalised those views, how much I felt I was a dirty guilty secret, something to be hidden and sneaked in and out of places. Something to be ashamed of.
It's taken the best part of a year, and three lovely people to make me realise first that I'd felt that way, and that it was wrong. Don't get me wrong, I've never *felt* that what I did was dirty and should be hidden away, but I had learned that other people didn't think the same way. That I couldn't trust my feelings on this.
When I first played with Miss Sunshine and her husband, I asked her if she minded my mentioning it in my blog, knowing that people we both know would read it. I expected her to say no, and was literally shocked by the fact that she didn't. I was awed and humbled by her relaxed attitude to it - we had been friends a long time, and she could see no problem with being associated with me. This is a lady who is happily, and monogamously married, and from a religious, if open minded background. A woman whom I love and respect. This beautiful woman was happy for people to know that we were connected in that way, and her husband too.

Then there's Nice Guy, who has been beautiful all the way through, despite not being 'poly', just fair and open minded. While his friends were telling him he was crazy to be in an open relationship, he backed me up, even if he wasn't entirely sure of things himself. He's made me feel all kinds of things, but dirty isn't one of them. Amazingly, he's even told his mother about our relationship as well, and apparently she likes me anyway. I wish I wasn't so surprised, as in an ideal world everyone would be as open minded, but I keep smacking against the walls of my well-worn cynicism. Parents are on the list of people you just don't tell about this sort of thing, according to everything I've been taught by society, by friends, and by my older loves.

The thing that brought it home to me finally, was going to two parties last weekend, first with NG to a friend's engagement party, and with Mountain to a birthday brunch for one of his friends, and neither of them is trying to pretend that we don't know each other, that we're platonic friends, or that we're really a monogamous couple, we just are what we are.
That we could do that, without the world collapsing into dust, and without anybody looking upset, or shocked, or angry. It felt good. It made me want to cry for all the stuff I've come through to get here. It made me feel humble, that there are people I love and admire who are happy to be seen with me that way. It made me feel that tiny timid hope, that maybe things really could be how I naively imagined them to be, back when I started writing.

It felt like coming home.

Worn out and wistful

2007-09-05T23:58:00.001+01:00

I never thought I'd say it, but I miss my life from before I left the Goldfish bowl. I miss the simplicity of life with Tallboy. I miss having a live-in partner, miss cooking together, miss knowing where I'm sleeping most nights. Even when things were at their oddest, when I was living with T, and popping round the corner most mornings to have breakfasts with NiceGuy, dealing with the pain of a breakup and the loneliness of being out there without my friends was easier, I think, than my life as it is now. Not working particularly hard for a living, not paying for housing, not worrying about the bills, and about housemates having disappeared off with rent, or about neglecting my friends, or about the fact that my income isn't guaranteed month-to-month. I miss that. Having someone not three hours away, like Miss Sunshine, not an hour away, like Mountain, not even half an hour away, as NG is now, but around the corner, or in the room next door. I miss that like crazy.

I miss having the time to spend in play, too. Staying with NG for a month back in May/June was probably a bad idea - it set a pace that was impossible to continue with both of us working, and having extra people in my life seems to only make it less rather than more easy to find play time. Somehow with working, even part time hours, and commuting into work, and meals, and travel between houses, not to mention the stress of NG having just moved into his new house, and my supposedly helping him with that (and failing spectacularly to achieve anything). With all that there's been little or no time for fun, and little or no energy when we've had the time. I'm frustrated as hell, and nothing I can do about it, especially for the next two days.

Bugger.

Calming down

2007-08-29T13:13:00.000+01:00

(22nd August)

It’s been a slightly quieter week than the last few. My date with Mountain was very enjoyable, my work life relatively routine, things with Nice Guy a little more relaxed, despite us both grumping at each other thanks to low moods during the latter days of last week. Quality time with Miss Sunshine was cancelled, as she has been wearing herself out lately, too, and needed the weekend to stay at home with her husband and get some rest. NG and I took it as an excuse to spend the weekend in bed, and to get some much needed sleep.

Another play date with Mountain tonight, if he’s well enough, or if not, I’ll be going round to feed him chicken soup. He’s meant to be off to the States for a couple of weeks from Friday, so it would be nice to have a good evening before he goes away.

NG gets the keys to his new house tomorrow, and I have promised to celebrate that with him, then it’s a good 24 hours of flat out work for me before we’re off to Dullsville for the weekend to visit respective families, and stop off at Miss Anthropist’s on the way for a coffee.

(29th August)

The date with Mountain was good. A nice lazy night in. Having been joking about making him chicken soup, I created a prawn and turkey chowder in his kitchen – probably a little rich for someone recovering from a major stomach bug, but it was nice to do something nice for him. He's off gallivanting round the States already now, and out of contact for a couple of weeks.

Nice Guy and I caught up with our separate families, and Miss Anthropist at the weekend, and I got an invite to go and have breakfast with him and his mother – she's a scary lady, but in a cool way (she's very no-nonsense), and apparently seems to like me, which is rather pleasing.

I caught up with Polymath on monday evening as well. A little disorganised as ever our meetings seem to be – I'd vaguely planned to feed him, but forgotten that he's vegan, and since NG's mum had donated a beef stew for dinner and I had no other food in the house I felt rather guilty about that, but he was a sweetie and sorted himself out with no complaint. That and after the weekend of family business, I was knackered and really not in the mood to do anything other than sit and drink tea, but we had a pleasant evening wurbling at each other about life, the universe and everything. It turns out that he and his lady are helping to organise an event I am going to at the weekend, that could be rather eye-opening, and I hadn't realised they were connected....

The Night of the Senses, which used to be called the Sex Maniacs Ball, is held for charity, and is one of the biggest events of the year for people in all sorts of sex-positive sections of the community and a very nice chap I was talking to in CCK back in february was so bowled over by the fact that I remembered him when we met again by chance last week that he gave me a free ticket, and another one for NG. It's starting to look like there might be more people I know there than I was expecting, but that's no bad thing, and it certainly looks like it's going to be a fascinating experience for both of us. I'm rather hoping I do spot Polymath and partner, too as I haven't met her and am very curious to.

So plans for the rest of this week: I'm actually having a couple of nights in, which I've actually had to write into my diary so that I can get things done at home, then the entire weekend is promised to NG as it's his first weekend in his new house and we plan on 'christening' it room by room, with a break on the saturday night for Night of the Senses, and no doubt a good recovery period on sunday morning. I expect by monday that I will have a lot to write about!

Favourite top?

2007-08-09T22:01:00.000+01:00

Okay, so sometimes cheesy lines do work on girls, but only if they're spontaneous -

"Oh hey, you're here, and you're wearing my favourite top!"
"this one? (looks down) What makes this one your favourite?"
"Um, it's got you in it!"

Nothing philosophical to say this evening (plenty of that posted earlier) I just had to record that somewhere because it made me grin like a shiny thing.

I'm alone for the evening now, hard at work on that project I'm so behind on, having stopped for dinner with Nice Guy on the way home from work. Feeling damn proud of myself for having the willpower to actually tie myself to my desk for an evening. I'm tired, but I'm happy. Fingers crossed, I am starting to feel like maybe the hard part of this year is actually over.

Hugs for everybody!

Red
xxx

Polyamory is HARD WORK

2007-08-09T12:52:00.000+01:00

(Figure I'm overdue for a rant, and I know I have moved away from the theoretical side of things lately, so I thought I'd post some navel gazing for you... It only took me a week to type this in between other engagements!)

Polyamory (from poly=multiple + amor=love) is the desire, practice, or acceptance of having more than one loving, intimate relationship at a time with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved. Polyamorous perspectives differ from monogamous perspectives, in that they respect a partner's wish to have second or further meaningful relationships and to accommodate these alongside their existing relationships. (taken from wikipedia)

Polyamory is not a cop out. It is not a way of 'getting away with' bad behaviour. Being poly means being far more in control and aware of your emotions and behaviour than you might otherwise be. Being poly means taking more people into consideration, not just yourself. Being poly means putting in the homework that is looking after the feelings of everybody involved in your life, directly or indirectly. That means friends, family, life partners, play partners, and their partners as well. Being poly means being careful not to take issues from one relationship and dump them on another. Being poly is HARD WORK. Absolutely there are benefits - when things are tough, you have more than one person to support you, when things are going well, the pleasure is often multiplied, and when it's good, it is very very good, but it is not in any sense an easy option.

I knew this at the start of the year. I knew very well that, while I identify as poly, and I have no intention of being monogamous in the foreseeable future, this year I did not want the hard work involved in being poly. This year I did not want the work involved with *any* relationship. I envisaged twelve months of free space to both explore my sexuality and to focus on working out more about what i want from life with no responsibility in terms of relationships.

Being more than half way through the year, I find myself looking back over the past few months and realising what a naive idea that was. I *have* explored a good deal about my sexuality, have learned a lot about myself, and am still learning. I have explored a good deal internally in terms of my motives and motivation for being single, for being poly, for being a BDSM switch. Some of it has been a steep learning curve, some I have known for a while but has crystallised over the last few months.

This includes the fact that I am coming to realise that- apart from very rare occasions like for example meeting a world famous Fetish Diva, I do prefer my experimentation to be within an existing relationship, be it friendship or more than that.

So as things stand, I am admitting something I suspect the majority of my friends and lovers have known for a while - I'm not single. I'm poly. I have a number of relationships with different people, on a variety of levels, some of them more involved than others, all of them important to me in their own way. I have a responsibility to keep everyone involved abreast of changes that may affect them, directly or indirectly, to consider everyone's feelings when I make a decision about my own life, to pay attention, give affection, spend time effort and money, and even if I *am* insanely busy, to try and let every one know that they are special to me. I'm not always successful, but this is what I am trying to achieve.

Single seems to be about the opposite of what I am, really!

What does that mean?

In terms of the spirit of what I declared at the start of the year, actually very little. Yes I have commitments, and to a lot of people, but at the same time I am under no obligation other than that dictated by love or friendship. I am a free agent still. What I do, and with whom, continues to be *my* choice.

However, just the simple fact of keeping up with so many people has meant over the last couple of months that I am constantly worn out. Add that to housing issues, attempting to juggle a day job and a self employed career, and spending a great deal of time talking online particularly with NG, I have had very little time for myself, or other people I care about, let alone anyone new. Therefore I am declaring myself for the time being 'polyfidelitous' - I intend to dedicate what little spare time I have over the next couple of months to my existing friendships and relationships, and to *me*, and say no to anything new on offer. It's my career that I need to be focusing on at the moment, unfortunately, and I just haven't the time or energy to spare for dating.

Yes, poly is hard work, and I seem to have found my limit.

___

In terms of the last two weeks, it's been... tiring. My trip to the Goldfish bowl turned out to be rather less fun than I had hoped for - having overdone things for the previous six weeks, then having a stressful weekend with Mountain, and an insane three days at work where I put in more hours than I had done in the entire month before, my boss having rather rapidly reversed a decision to cut my hours thanks to a meeting at the start of the week. By the time Nice Guy picked me up at the airport I was suffering from exhaustion and had actually made myself too ill to play, and didn't recover from that until most of the way through the week. We were both stressed, both snapping at each other, both disappointed at the hotel room we ended up with, and the fact that we were supposed to having a pleasant relaxing week together only made it worse, of course. It's not that I wish I hadn't been there, but I do wish I hadn't been in such a state.

Getting back to the City has been stressful, too. There have been highlights, seeing Miss Sunshine being one of them, and Nice Guy's move to the City another, but I am still short on sleep, short on money and short on time. I'm praying things will finally calm down a bit over the next few weeks. I am looking forward to spending some quality time with Nice Guy, Miss Sunshine and Mountain, and hopefully catching up with some of my other friends and loved ones, looking forward to my housing finally being settled (one of my housemates having absconded with two months of our rent almost precisely when i was looking to move because of an entirely different issue has left me in a huge bind), hoping things settle down into some vague sort of routine at work, as well, so that I can finally focus on my career and not all of the rest of it, fulfil some outstanding obligations and work out where the hell i am going next. and finally, looking forward to some well earned rest.

Wish me luck!

Ups and Downs

2007-07-25T13:20:00.000+01:00

So another week mostly gone. I'm on my way back to the Goldfish Bowl tomorrow, for Nice Guy's last week there. Looking forward to relaxing for a week having been overdoing it for a while now. Then he's moving to the City and will be living pretty much around the corner - fantastic in that we'll probably be saving a fortune in phone bills and travel. Perhaps not quite so good in terms of either of us getting anything done!

The weekend with Mountain was... well, mountainous - the weekend started on a bit of a low as we struggled to get out of the City, then got lost on the way to where we going, finally negotiating flooded roads to get to the swing club we were aiming at after midnight, and then realising we needed to go to a cashpoint before we could get in. Things started improving then, and we played some in the club which was enjoyable. Didn't involve anyone else - I tend to want to know people better before I play, and I gather so does he - but it was a pleasantly naughty feeling knowing that other people could watch.

Daytime on Saturday was very nice. We lay around in bed being decadent and eating unhealthy things (and falafel for breakfast, of all things...), and fruit salads, and generally relaxing. Things were feeling nice and airy, and we were looking forward to the costume party in the evening. Then a text arrives from his ex-girlfriend, Princess, to say she is going to be at the club, thus starting a long slow slide into misery. The least said about the rest of it the better, I think, except to say that the play we had both been looking forward to ended up turning into comforting hugs instead. I still have an open mind about swing clubs, but perhaps next time I will try playing less far afield - if things go wrong then it isn't quite so depressing to slink off home!

Sunday headed back to the City just in time to have lunch with Mountain's housemate and some friends, then a quick collapse on his sofa before running to Victoria to meet my little brother. He generously bought me dinner (a first, I think!), and we had a good natter about our love lives. I have been 'out' as poly to my brother for as long as I knew the word, and possibly longer, since he was very much in on the goings on back when I was at school and juggling a boyfriend and girlfriend at the same time.

The last three days I have been working all hours, since an important development came up at work, but they still saw me having deep discussion with Nice Guy, receiving more bad news from Mountain about going on in his life, and having a long chat with my mother on the phone about life, the universe and everything (annoyingly whilst i was trying to talk to NG, but she's very hard to get off the phone at times, and it *was* lovely). I'm moving towards coming out to my mum about being poly. She already knows I am seeing more than one guy. In principle, she is encouraging it - after all, I'm still young and should be 'playing the field'. The bits about my being into girls and BDSM as well, I might leave for later though! I always figured I would tell my parents as and when things became relevant. As my work and my hobbies get closer together though, it's starting to look like it might be sooner rather than later!

In other news, my Gay Fiancee has announced his plan to move to the City in eighteen months or so time, which will be rather lovely. Though it means he'll be finding money tight for a while - maybe I'll get to turn the tables and treat him to meals and nights out at some point! Duchess is still happily coupled, and it is nice to see her happy. Cad is not quite so - he's single again, and having a bit of a low in general. I'm feeling a bit guilty that I can barely spare an hour to comiserate over coffee, but I'm over-committed as ever.

Hopefully I'll manage to recharge somewhat over the next week, and come back to the City energetic and raring to go again.
Enjoy yourselves!
x

... keep track of when I'm posting...

2007-07-20T09:09:00.000+01:00

I am rush-rush-rushed and typing this on the train whilst running late for work. It's been a knackering few weeks. Literally running from one thing to another, not getting enough sleep, being constantly worried, and trying to juggle too many social commitments. This morning thankfully I left on a warm and fluffy note, having given my Nice Guy a long distance verbal hug (a nice contrast to yesterday where I left almost in tears and with my stomach churning having rowed about a tiny little thing because we were both so overtired).

The 7th was Miss Sunshine and her husband's anniversary party, which I travelled south for, already tired from the week before but looking forward to the pleasant company. That started off fantastically well, all of our old friends there enjoying the weather and the barbecue and the good clean fun. Then I managed to put a foot wrong with Nice Guy whilst talking to him online, because I had forgotten to mention my date with Mountain in the middle of the week. We end up in a mire of emotional mess and I am left in tears on Miss Sunshine's bed - he is hurting, and I am hurting because he is and I am too far away to put it right. Miss Sunshine, Miss Anthropist, Tigger and Scaredycat are all there worrying about me, and that makes it worse because I am upset at worrying them too.

At any rate things got better, and then they got worse again, and then they got better. We had a long talk about my ‘year of single’ and how he will continue to support me in that, but that he is happy there might be some possibility of compromise at the end of the year. I say it is too early to think about that now - maybe we'll get to the end of the year and not even *need* to compromise.

Monday morning was spent at the airport waiting for Poet and her boyfriend to arrive - Poet is a lady I have known online for a couple of years but we had never met in person before. I had offered the pair of them my room to stay in for a week while they came to see the City, neither of them having enormous amounts of money to spend - a fine plan, slightly messed up by the fact that my spare bed, which was in transit from the Goldfish Bowl failed to arrive in time. We managed, but it made things a little more stressful than they would have been otherwise.

The rest of the week was just a blur. Cad came back with us the first night, having met up in town and we ended up sleeping on sofas, then a night off spent on webcam with NG, knowing he's needing more time at the moment, then a date with Mountain overnight (very pleasant), then work, then going away for the weekend to stay with Miss Anthropist for her birthday - had it's ups and downs, but she loved the little handmade book I made her as a birthday present. We had a small party for her on the saturday night with Lawyer and his boyfriend, and that was rather lovely.

I got back to the City on Sunday afternoon, utterly worn out, and stupidly went into creative mode, ended up ignoring Poet and her boy til silly o'clock in the morning on their last night in town. Feel utterly silly now I realise it, but when the artistic urge comes it is hard to resist!

Monday saw my guests leaving, and myself at the hospital getting a lump in my boob checked out - looks like nothing serious, but will have to be playing gently for a while!

The rest of this week again has gone like a fingersnap. Met Mountain for coffee on Tuesday night to confirm details for the weekend – more about that later. Then my Gay Fiancee arrived in the City – a day sooner than I expected, and the next two days disappeared entirely.

Today I am working and then I will be heading straight to Mountain’s. He is taking me away for the weekend and we will be going to a fetish/swing club he is already a member of – it will be my first time at one really (having been there, I really don’t think Torture Garden counts it’s more a dance club with a fancy dress theme!), and also the longest we have spent together yet, and in the most kinky environment. So I am looking forward to it with both excitement and trepidation. Hoping things won’t get awkward if M’s ex decides to show up – I gather their breakup hasn’t been completely amicable, but will just have to cross that bridge if we come to it. At the very least I am looking forward to playing dress-up – there’s a ‘circus’ theme to the party on Saturday night, he is going as a Ring Master, and I shall be dressed as a ‘leopard’ though in as skimpy an outfit as possible. (Yes there are plenty of puns there, and I am resisting!)

Next week, well, I will catch up on that at a later date I think – it will be at least as busy as this one has been. At least I have one more trip to the Goldfish Bowl to look forward to, going back for NG’s last week before he moves to the City, and an enforced rest while I’m there. It’s a hard life….

Wish me luck for the weekend, and I hope you are all enjoying yourselves too.

Red.

xxx

Too busy to...

2007-07-13T22:57:00.000+01:00

It's been crazy crazy again since I got back to the City. No time to sleep, no time to cook, hardly time to work, and definitely no time to blog. At the moment I am at Miss Anthropist's house, watching her sleep and stealing a few minutes online before I head to bed after her.

To backtrack a little, the date with Mountain that I mentioned was fun, but a little flat, since he was leaving for the airport at insane time in the morning, and we were both desperately tired
- neither of us quite at our best.

Seeing Optimus was good, and I was very glad I went, although we managed to rub each other the wrong way a little. We argued (very like siblings) on the Saturday morning, and though we sorted it out, in the end he was sweet enough to pay my train fare back to the city rather than have us both be feeling awkward in his car for two hours.
The birthday celebration for Lawyer was fantastic fun as well, though I wondered if I might have shocked some of his friends - I found myself suddenly explaining the tangle that is the love life of a single polyamorous woman to around six of them over dinner. Still, I saw a couple of 'gosh, I wonder if I could do that...' looks around the table, too.

The next few days were more work than play, and I wore myself out to the point where I found myself actually postponing a visit with Miss Sunshine and her husband, Gamer, just so that I could get some extra sleep and some me-time, knowing that it was going to be another burst of activity for at least a fortnight after that. I did get there in time for their anniversary party though, which was lovely, only marred by the fact that I had a sudden crisis with Nice Guy right in the middle of the party. I had forgotten to tell him I had arranged another date with Mountain, and was double-checking, and next thing I know we are deep in scary scary territory, he is hurting, scared, angry. I am trying to make it better but struggling because sometimes all you really need is to *be there* and we are many hundreds of miles apart physically, and it is killing me that he is hurting and trying so so hard not to be, and I can't even give him a hug.

I am still alive! (Also Freedom & Responsibility Part II )

2007-06-25T03:13:00.000+01:00

Apologies for the long silence. Not really an excuse for it except that I have had a glorious holiday, and simply felt far too fluffy to really have anything useful to say. I have a draft entry saved that I will post retroactively over the next couple of days that talks about the few days before I got to the Goldfish Bowl (my all girl weekend, an encounter with Cad, and meeting a well known Fetish Diva).
Also for the last week I have been so wiped out by an infection and being back where I have to do dreadful mundane things like work, that I have slept for about half the week. I reluctantly turned down an offer of company from Cad, simply because I was too knackered to cope with it, and how very rarely I say no to pleasure.

My time in the Goldfish Bowl is best described as a month away from the world. A month in the presence of Nice Guy, sure we had a couple of arguments (at least partly about my lack of tact - i admit freely that I tend to read better on paper!) but the rest of it, touring the area, enjoying the weather, celebrating his birthday, and attending a ball together, sun, sea, sand and I might have to admit it... a lot of sex - a month of unrepentant bliss.
Getting to see T again was a bonus. We are still working on separating our belongings and finances (at least legally - joint mortgages are a pain), and things still feel a little... odd, at least at my end, but it was good to see him, and to know that we still have *something*, even if what we are to each other has changed. Still friends, and still 'fuck-buddies', even if a long way apart. I am positive about going back to stay with him on a friendly basis at some point, and I do wonder if I hadn't been out there staying with NG, whether we'd have actually got to that state.

Anyway, back in the real world, getting back to the City things start falling back to earth, and I realise that floating on my fluffy cloud for the past month, all of the issues that Nice Guy and I intended to talk about when I got there didn't apply, and had simply fallen by the wayside. Being back where there is daily temptation though, we are hard at work again dealing with things as and when they hit us. Staying up til silly times in the morning to talk through feelings when nerves are hit and mistakes are made (of course, by me).

Yesterday I headed round to Mountain's for lunch, and to present him with a belated birthday gift, and discovered over the course of lunch that he and his Significant Other were no longer an item. He is unexpectedly available for play for the first time since we met. Sudden quandary - I am supposed to be a single person. I made this promise to myself for the year. However, love is as it is, and I know that NG was upset by finding out at the last minute the last time I played with someone I hadn't before. I care, and so when he is upset, I feel it too. So... a couple of badly thought out texts and an apologetic phone conversation later, I compromise with myself on his behalf - I am not going to *not* play with Mountain, but I have waited four months, I can wait a little longer and give fair warning. So, reluctantly and frustratingly, I demonstrated willpower, and returned home to talk to NG instead. Things are... not entirely rosy, not entirely worked out, not completely happy, but I am optimistic again.
I have another date with Mountain on wednesday before he goes to Sweden (alas, I was invited, but I already am going to Optimus's graduation ceremony, and Lawyer's birthday treat, both on the same weekend, and plus can't really afford the time away). I anticipate it to be a lot of fun, especially having been Out of Bounds for so long.

Dinner with Duchess tonight, who is once again a part of a monogamous couple and off-limits for play, which is frustrating, but I still very much enjoy her company, so I will be behaving myself. Damn those ethics.
And right now, sleep, because the sun is rising and I have been up all night, first talking and then blogging about relationships. Must do the work thing at some point... Thank heavens for flexible working!

Red.
x

Gosh and Wow and Golly and Mmm, oh and Ouch (but in a good way)

2007-06-03T20:03:00.000+01:00

Another busy busy few weeks. The girl's night in stretched into most of the weekend - It was like walking into a teenage boys wet dream! Two gorgeous women in my bed, along with myself and a chocolate cake that turned out every bit as delicious as Rapunzel promised. We started later Saturday afternoon and didn't leave my house until Sunday evening, a lovely relaxing time, with plenty of giggles, orgasms and gleeful overindulgence. Rapunzel has to leave then, so we saw her to the station, and then Miss Sunshine and I had a peaceful evening to ourselves, though slightly less relaxing after we suddenly realised, at around 11pm, that we both had work we needed to do before bedtime. There are still few things as lovely as falling asleep in the arms of a gorgeous woman, whether you're tired from work or play. Sunshine left with me on Monday morning as I headed into work and headed off home on the train. Wistful sighs a-plenty.

The rest of the week was an insane mixture of highs and lows - Monday night I ran into the City to meet my Gay Fiancee and a bunch of his friends, which was fun, but I left early as I was so knackered from the previous night. Tuesday was supposed to be an evening just the two of us, but something came up on short notice and he ended up standing me up. Then I get a phone call from Cad to say his plans for the evening were cancelled as well, so it's back to mine to cheer us both up - apparently he has discussed open-ness with his new girlfriend, and all is good to go, which is a nice turn up for the books, as long as it's true.

Wednesday started off absolutely horribly. The weather was miserable and I was feeling depressed to the point of actually bursting into tears for no reason twice at the office - possibly a symptom of starting on the pill again. Hopefully it'll settle down. At any rate I was feeling so awful that I sent Duchess a message to say I didn't feel up to having dinner with her as planned, and stopped into my favourite cafe on my way home to get a hot chocolate and cheer myself up. I've just settled down to do some work on my laptop and enjoy my hot chocolate, when in walks Mistress A - a lady I met when I was new to the area and did some office work for in her day job, but who also happens to be active in the fetish scene - she spots me and heads over.
"Hey Red, are you into flogging?" she asks me.
I ask her why, and she tells me that a particular Fetish Diva was in town, and needing someone to demonstrate on (gently) for a class at the plushest sex shop in the country, and was I interested in helping out? Hell yes! Getting to not only meet, but play with a famous kink-writer and Domme? So I perked up near-instantly. The evening was glorious - she was every bit as attractive as I'd imagined (even after recent surgery and a plane flight) and the demonstration was, well... hot as a very hot thing. I have never had such an instant chemistry with anyone - the woman isn't famous for no reason! Post class we headed off for a cup of tea - myself, Fetish Diva and Mistress A, and then went out separate ways, but with an exchange of emails and a comment from her that she'd enjoy working with me again. Joy!

More craziness ensued shortly after, with massages from a friend doing a massage course and needing a case study, going out to a fetish club on about three hours notice (Mistress A had spare tickets), saying goodbye to Rapunzel, who was going back to the States, and of course packing for the Goldfish Bowl.

Roll on a much needed rest!

Freedom and Responsibility

2007-05-12T01:39:00.000+01:00

I have had, as at least one of you commented, a very busy couple of weeks. I have been running around the country a lot again, having started a new job, and fitting that in with all of the visits to friends, relatives and others I had booked before I go back to the Goldfish Bowl, when I didn't expect to be working until July - that has been 'interesting' to say the least!
Having been so very busy, I have been starting to come into contact with some implications of polyamory that, while I had heard of their being an issue, I had not met before - one of these being not enough hours in the day to spend with everyone that I want to and make sure they are happy without running myself into the ground. I realise that I have said a lot about the people I have been seeing, and what we get up to, but not enough about the work that goes into making things work for everybody.

It is often said that with every freedom, comes responsibility. The freedom to see multiple people on a romantic level brings with it the responsibility to make sure that all ones partners, (and their partners if they have them) whether casual or long-term are happy with things, and getting the attention they want. That's not to say everyone involved wants or needs the same level of attention and care, but finding the right level is the responsibility of everyone involved.

To be free to welcome new people into your life, one needs to be aware of making enough time for existing friends and lovers, and to show them they are still important, and still loved.

The freedom that I particularly have craved up until this 'year of freedom' was the freedom to choose what, when, where, why and whom - that is, to be able to be spontaneous if i wanted to be, and not need to ask permission, or otherwise hold off, it something or someone that I want to explore is on the horizon. I realise that with this freedom comes the responsibility to respect one's existing partners, give reassurance, give time, give hugs, and otherwise find ways to make it ok. I am still talking this over with my beloved Nice Guy - I am aware that it may be a sticking point, but I am hopeful that we can find a way to keep him comfortable with things without having to necessarily give up my 'ooh, shiny!' moments. Then perhaps we might have a future together long-term - I would like that.

As happy as I am negotiating with partners and their partners, I do love my own spontaneity, and find the idea of giving that up again in the future a hard one to stomach - I love polyamory because it feels like it's a more adult way of relating to people, on a case-by-case basis, and I love being able to make that decision for myself - not that I don't want to take others into consideration, but being trusted to make the call without having to check and double check feels right to me, and not a thing i want to give up.

The freedom to play sexually with more that one person comes with the very important responsibility to ensure an acceptable level of safety from pregnancy and disease for everyone involved. This has been particularly on my mind over the last week or two as I had to have a coil taken out, thanks to some rather painful cramps and bleeding. This got me talking to my foremost lover about fluid bonding and safety, and some very intense conversation ensued. More discussion will no doubt be forthcoming, as things aren't entirely decided, but I do feel that what we have agreed so far has brought us even closer together.

I also had an evening (well, night, actually) with Polymath - a very intelligent and open minded man I met way back before Christmas, that was, well, hard to describe - somehow intense but playful at the same time. Very enjoyable, anyway, and I shall hope for a repeat, or a continuation, if we ever manage to be in the same city again - it only took us six months or so to meet up this time around! Having been poly for rather longer than I have even been aware of *any* sort of sexuality, he is interesting to talk to as well. It is good to get the perspective of someone who has been there and done that, and not just read it in a book! I at least try to learn from others experience, even if I don't always manage it.

Tomorrow I am hoping will be the result of a week or so's worth of negotiation and feeling out of boundaries - I will be hosting a 'girls night in' consisting of myself, Miss Sunshine and Rapunzel, who is a gorgeous young woman we met in my favourite coffee shop, with very long hair, an attractive sense of humour, and a rather sexy tendency towards geekishness. I spent a portion of this evening talking online to her partner what we could get up to (baking and pillow fights were mentioned, amongst other things, possibly involving the 'wearing' of chocolate cake, hehehe) - reassuring him that I was not about to spirit his beloved away and do awful things to her, or get into intensely psychological stuff, and I was delighted to get a 'yes' to being able to play on those conditions. So tomorrow I will have the company of two beautiful women, there will be baking, there will undoubtedly be much giggling, and there is the delicious possibility of... more. Bliss! Just need to double check what Miss Sunshine's husband says about it all... At any rate, even if there is no play, there will still be cake and beautiful women in my house - and who could ask for more?

Scarlet.

x

A note on comments

2007-04-23T12:11:00.000+01:00

I do appreciate comments, and I know I have enabled anonymous commenting, but I would very much appreciate if commenters would adopt some sort of identifier, a nickname or a number, or anything so that I can tell you apart!

Otherwise it gets immensely confusing for me as to who is saying what!

Thanks a lot, and thanks for reading.

Scarlet.

x

Scorned woman? Not exactly!

2007-04-22T18:51:00.000+01:00

So this afternoon I got a call from my lover to tell me that he had sex with another woman. How am I feeling?

Well first off, a little smug. Why? Because it was 100% clear to me that she had been flirting with him, even from a couple of thousand miles away, and like almost anyone, I do like to be proven right. They had gone away camping overnight in a shack in a the middle of nowhere with some friends, and I had in fact been nagging him to take condoms, despite his feeling that 'Nice Guys don't do that' - My personal feeling on that matter is that it's in fact the nice thing to do. What is it they teach you in Scouts? Always be prepared!

In fact it's my opinion that every person, gay or straight, monogamous or poly, partnered or celibate, *every* person should carry some sort of protection - worst case scenario, say you are at the hands of a rapist, you ask them to use a condom - if you haven't got one on you, they are going to rape you anyway, but if you are carrying, then maybe, just maybe they will take one and use it. Alternatively on a slightly happier and more probable note, even if you are not going to use it, maybe you can lend yours to someone who is caught short!
Realistically though, if there is even a 1% chance that you will be having sex, you should be prepared for it. Nothing more frustrating than the alternative.

Back on topic though - my favourite man just slept with another woman, am I really not bothered? Well, no. I'm a little amused at the shy voice he used to tell me about it, and a lot amused at how surprised he was at himself - 'but I'm a good boy!' Oh yes honey, I know you are - that's why you want to make people happy. That's why you enjoy making women come!

What else am I feeling? A little relieved - for him in that I had been wondering if his constant disbelief that women find him attractive was going to keep on getting in the way of things, and a little for myself because in a lot of ways it is easier to be in a polyamorous relationship if both of you benefit from it. I feel a little selfish for that last thought, but I know having tried desperately hard to be monogamous in the past that it simply doesn't suit me, and I really would like Nice Guy in my life for many years to come.

What else? I am intensely curious. I've not met the lady in person, though I have seen a couple of pictures, and chatted very briefly on webcam. I want to know what it was like - does she come like me? Does she make a lot of noise? Did they do anything that we don't, teach him any new tricks? Does she feel different to me? Will you do it again? Do I get to meet her? Does it make you feel different about her, about you, me, us? It's not that I want to interrogate, so I resisted firing the questions, I just get such a warm glow from people I care about enjoying themselves that I wanted to share in it vicariously. He already mentioned that she is apparently multi-orgasmic, so I am guessing she enjoyed herself - a thing that made me grin like a loon, quite frankly, because my beloved has no idea at all how great he is at sharing pleasure, and it is nice to actually have another woman back me up in that opinion.

So how do I feel about sharing my love? I can honestly say I am happy and glad, for him, for her and for all of us. I am wondering what it might mean for the future in the sense of will this be a short but pleasant fling, a lasting sexual friendship, a more complex relationship? I have nothing but optimistic thoughts on that front though, as I am certain that, even if we were to stop having a sexual relationship, NG would still be a part of my life, and I am happy seeing him happy. Even I'm a little surprised at that - I would be happily solo, as long as the people I cared about were happy.

In short, my most Significant Other had sex with someone else, and I am pleased.

As for myself? Well I woke up this morning in bed with my friend Miss Sunshine and her husband. We hadn't had sex, I was far too tired to play by the time we hit the sack last night, having been out to the theatre and then at Lawyer's house until late, but it was lovely just sharing three way hugs and being close, and I simply didn't feel the need to. We had tea and bacon sandwiches, and then the pair of them drove me to Dullsville to see my parents. I gave her a kiss goodbye without my mother noticing, or at least commenting. I am starting to consider coming out fully to my parents as poly - have already mentioned that NG and I are seeing each other, though we are 'not exclusive', which I think is the diplomatic way to put it. My friends have known for years, though. I will have a think about it and maybe do some research for tips to help with it.

Tomorrow I'm meeting Duchess in town for coffee, as by coincidence she's here visiting Busybee, and then we'll both be heading back to the City, where I'm meeting a woman about possibly doing some work for her in exchange for tickets to tantra workshops, and then the rest of the week looks to be a blur of activity as well. Will hopefully update soon - many an interesting thing happening at the moment, of which I have only mentioned a couple!

Rouge
x

Old flames and new boots.

2007-04-19T23:17:00.000+01:00

A number of blasts from the past in the last day or two, some old feelings, some new ones, a new experience or two. Missing people.

As I said to Nice Guy a while back, I am, in my way, quite faithful to my loves - once I make a space in my life for a person, it is always there. That space may grow, or shrink, but it has never yet disappeared entirely. Once a friend, once a love, always a love. For better or for worse, as it were. So I have been thinking of the people I have loved and lost, or loved and simply lost contact with, either permanently of temporarily.

People I miss: Thespian, Scaredycat, Miss Anthropist, Pianist, my Gay Fiancée, Cad, Vampira and Busybee are all on the list, some of whom I have simply lost contact with through being disorganised, so I do hope to reconnect with soon. Others are more permanently separated, as is T, who I have realised lately I am missing more than I was letting on to myself. I am admittedly obsessed with NG, and distracting myself with many other things, but four and a half years doesn't go by without leaving a big gap in one's life. I do rather wish I was living nearer to where T was, so at least I could go around and have dinner occasionally. I miss his rumpled style, his wit, the in-jokes and habits we shared. I just plain miss *him*. Maybe someday we will slot back into each others' lives in some way. It's nice to think so, anyway.

I did talk to Scaredycat again this morning - he is having a bit of a crisis in relationship terms, which makes me hurt for him - I had been so happy to see him happy before. I really do hope it works out for the better. I am going to visit with him on saturday and talk to him more, and offer hugs. I would offer more if he were single, but in some ways I am hoping that won't be the case. I loved seeing him in love.

A certain imperious lady friend of mine had her birthday yesterday, too, and came to visit me today- I had promised to cook her dinner for it. It has been a few months since we had any time alone together, and things have been somewhat stressed between us. Had a somewhat inauspicious start thanks to a misunderstanding, but we managed to break the ice again, and I gave her a good spanking for having not looked after my boots properly (the ones I had been planning to wear to Torture Garden, but got damaged whilst in her care), which I must admit was rather satisfying. She also came into quite close contact with the replacements, in a way I wouldn't have initially considered, but turned out to be rather fun- being kinky certainly has it's positives in terms of being able to work tension out on other people!

I have plans to see Miss Sunshine at the weekend, and Lawyer, whom I love despite his being scum (*winks to you, hun if you are are reading this*), Duchess I am meeting again in Dullsville, as we both happen to be there on Monday, and Optimus and Mountain in the first week or so of next month. Then it will only be a couple of weeks left before I go to stay with NG in the Goldfish Bowl for four weeks. Looking at all these names I do wonder if I am overextending myself, but I always do seem to prefer my life to be brimming over rather than near empty.

Lastly, after getting home from my first wrestling practise, which was fantastic fun, last night I posted a piece of romantic poetry in my other blog*, something I haven't attempted in years.
I posted a love poem for Nice Guy, because I was thinking about him, because I wanted him to know how I was feeling, perhaps also because the current state of affairs is a little unusual and I wanted to remind him that even though I am not about to commit to monogamy, I still feel what has grown between us very deeply.
Am I feeling jealous? He has a lady staying with him at the moment who he was friends with a long time ago but has not seen in person for a long time, and i know they have been flirting online somewhat lately - so I check with myself to see if I am feeling threatened - it isn't unheard of, after all - the partner who is used to running around while their significant other stays at home gets suddenly upset when the tables are turned. In fact, I find I would love for them to connect. There is nothing lovelier than seeing someone I love happy, whether with me or someone else. I guess I just wanted to make it clear that whatever happens, I feel this way about him.
It is heart-warming as well to actually be loving someone who appreciates and responds to sensual things and romantic gestures, something that fell rather flat with all of my male exes -more proof that NG is a man with a female brain, or just a consequence of having dated geeks? It is lovely, whatever the reason.

I will be away for the weekend now, so likely that there will be no more posts until Monday evening at the earliest.
Have a good few days, all
xxx

Red.

*If you don't know about it, feel free to email me for details: ascarletwoman@gmail.com

Oops, three weeks since last post!

2007-04-13T20:57:00.000+01:00

So what on earth have I been up to?

Well my much beloved Nice Guy was in the country for three weeks, most of which we ended up spending in bed, despite our plans to get out and do touristy things. We just never really got organised to go out.
We did however organise my house, so I have a wonderfully neat and clean studio with lots of storage, and a place for everything. So at least I have an excellent start in working from home, now that I am not being quite so distracted.
Not that I am complaining! In those three weeks I had my first taste of suspension bondage, the wonderful threesome that I mentioned already, and my very first experience with more than three people on one bed, with Nice Guy, Miss Sunshine and her husband.
Also my first verified experience of female ejaculation (there may be more on this topic, as I went to a very interesting lecture/workshop last night about it), my first chance to properly test my 'feeldoe' and a whole host of wonderful orgasms, not to mention many hours just enjoying each others company and conversation, touching and being touched, and sleeping skin-to-skin.

C, my ex and occasional playmate came to stay for a few days in the middle of this - I must admit I was in a horrible mood all weekend, and it didn't go desperately well - I was an awful hostess and I felt very sorry for him, especially since he had been kind enough to take me to the ideal home show, which was rather fun, but I hadn't realised quite how long he had planned to stay, and I was feeling so very horrible and ratty he left a day early, driving home at some time in the middle of the night rather than get under my feet any more.
He was quite in the mood to play, I think, but I just plain wasn't. The day he left I got a major attack of thrush, which might go some way to explain why I was feeling so low, but I still feel rather guilty about having been so antisocial on top of that. I will perhaps have to make up for it at some stage.
I do really wish I had a spare room rather than being forced to share my studio/bedroom - I usually enjoy having guests, but it would make it so much easier to offer people space if I had more of it, and being in the City I have a lot of people wanting to come and stay. All the more reason to work on improving my career prospects as soon as possible!

The last few days I have spent working on my CV with the 'got to get a job' urge, as I am a bit fed up with having to budget quite so tightly, the first month in the City having cost me rather more than I expected.
Having actually sat down and checked the contents of my bank account, though, and done some arithmetic, I realise I am not quite so badly off as I thought, and it makes more sense to wait until the end of June when I get back from another month in the Goldfish Bowl before I start applying for work, that is assuming I haven't established my own business in the meantime.
I do still have to budget, though, and I am working the barter system for all it's got, doing work exchanges with various businesses and individuals, but at least I can manage to pay the rent until October if need be without being too badly off.

I have actually turned down a trip out to see NG again next week. Much as I would love to go, I feel I really need to be in the City, getting to know people, making some business contacts, just getting into the routine of even mundane things like going to the supermarket to buy food and getting back to some sort of sane sleep and work pattern.
My year of freedom is about establishing myself as an independent person, finding my feet emotionally and financially, and letting go of the safety net of being in a formal relationship. Tempting as it is, as long as I keep spending all of my time with the one guy, however lovely, I am not helping myself to be that person.
On the other hand, NG is looking for work in the City, and I am actively encouraging this. I love the fact that he is as into exploring new aspects of sex as much as I am, and I have every intention of continuing to explore for many years to come.
There are some things that need so much mutual trust, respect and deep feeling that can only really be explored in a long term loving relationship, monogamous or otherwise, and I can't think of a better person to explore those with.
It would be so lovely to have him close by again, especially on terms that allow me to stick by my ideals - having my own place to live, my own income, my own life, which in my mind makes the choice to share any or all of those all the more meaningful.

So for the next few weeks I shall be catching up with all of the other friends, playmates and others that I have been neglecting while enjoying myself with NG, catching up on work, emails, and exploring more of the City, my local surroundings, and the fetish scene that I am a very recent entrant to.
Hopefully there will be much more to blog about - since this entry is getting to be quite long, I shall leave describing the workshop last night for another day, suffice it to say I have a lot of new things to think about!

Blowing Kisses,

Miss Scarlet

x

Do I want what I think I want?

2007-03-26T00:24:00.000+01:00

What do I think I want?

I think I want:

-a flexible career,
-a life in the city
-absolute freedom to do what i want, when i want
-support, love and friendship from a wide network of loves

I believe these things are achievable, idealistic or not. However, lately I have been forced to question myself continuously, through accident, through debate with people near to me, and through coming crashing into contact with a real world i have managed to avoid for an awfully long time.

I believe a lot of people settle for less than they really want. The word 'compromise' is a pet hate of mine - I believe very strongly that if everyone refused to compromise on their ideals, the world would be a much nicer place, and the only way to improve on things is to set an example and not to compromise your own self.
However the world is as it is, and I am only one person flying in the face of a lot of conflicting views, and it is tough going at the moment.
I can see how easy it would be to sink into the comforting patterns of normality, to stop pushing against the current. To settle. I point out to myself that there is nothing wrong with normal life - for those people whom it suits. I wonder if I have convinced myself it doesn't suit me for spurious reasons. I doubt myself.

I am, as is apparently obvious to everyone, madly in love with my Nice Guy right now - the past couple of weeks when we have spent so much time together has only made it the more clear, and it is also clear that we are well suited to spending a lot of time together, and would like to do so - the only question is whether the mono/polyamory issue will be a deal-breaker. Right now, I would be quite happy to snuggle up in bed with him for the next six months and forget the outside world exists. On past history though, I can't ignore the fact that at some point there will likely be a cooling off - As with C, with T, eventually while love stays, I start to want to bring other people back in, and that has been where the issues hit before.
In some ways I have been pushing myself to see other people before I really wanted to in the hope of establishing polyamory as a norm before any further relationship developed. I have enjoyed the feeling of freedom, while not necessarily wanting to act on things. I still like the idea of being 'single', and the freedom to act on the spur of the moment without having to ask for permission. I still feel that possessiveness is not necessary for a fulfilling relationship.
Career-wise things are pretty much the same - do I settle for a regular job on the treadmill, something that isn't quite what I want, or do I risk poverty holding out for the life I really intend? Troublesome decisions all round.

I still feel that compromise isn't necessary, I just wonder how hard do I have to push to get what I want, and what will get broken on the way.

Mmmmm yes...

2007-03-18T10:03:00.000Z

Right this minute there is a beautiful woman, and a rather sexy man in my bed, chatting happily and letting breakfast go down, and I am looking at them with a big smile on my face, despite having had only about five hours sleep. It's an idyllic scene - sunrise through the window, two people I love being happy and contented. It makes me feel so fluffy.

Another eventful week. I did make it to Torture Garden, but Mountain (my chocolate loving friend) and his lady frustratingly did not - I got a call about ten fifteen in the evening, already dressed up and ready to go, sitting in CCK and lacing my new boots to say she was upset and he was taking her home.
Well, I can't deny I was a bit frustrated - I'd been looking forward to meeting them both for weeks, and looking forward to being introduced to TG, and I'd put an enormous amount of effort into my outfit. Plus there was no way I was going to get my money back on the ticket that late in the day, so I shrugged stoically, straightened my feather-boa clad shoulders, and marched in there to attempt to at least partially salvage my evening. Spent the night wandering around talking to people, being an interested observer rather than joining in, but I did at least get to know a few faces, including a couple of people it would be very nice to see again. I am very glad that I gave up being shy whilst I was at university.
Nice Guy will probably be in town for the next one, so I may go back - he is visiting the City at the moment, and I will be spending the best part of the next three weeks with him - and I am sure it will be the best part.

Monday I was up til ridiculously late talking to Nice Guy online - he has bought me a webcam, so it has been given a thorough testing lately. Keeping us both up til ridiculous hours of the morning again. Much as I love him, I do need to get the willpower together and get some sleep at some point soon.
Tuesday night was a gallery opening with Optimus and his family, and dinner afterwards. We stayed overnight with a close family friend, played in the morning and it was all very lovely, and fluffy. He has become quite a large part of my life in quite a short time. I find I love him like a brother, if a particularly incestuous one - he asked me what happens at the end of my 'year of freedom' - would there still be a space for him in my life? It was so poignant. If I am honest, I am not entirely sure, but my gut feeling is that there will be a bond between us for many years to come.

The rest of the week mostly involved getting ready for NG's arrival. I so wanted things to be perfect for him - not that it was to be. I was late meeting him from the airport, my parcels failed to arrive, we got lost on the way back from the hotel the next morning, only to finally arrive at my door to discover I had locked my keys inside and not noticed from the previous night.
By the time we were ready to go out and meet Miss Sunshine in the City we were tired, irritable and snapping at each other. Things improved so hugely when we finally met up though. We spent a fantastically chatty couple of hours in my beloved coffee shop, flirting, giggling and entertaining the entire place. Had a very tasty dinner over which we flirted and giggled slightly more subtly. By the time we got back to my house, we were all cosy and at ease and things just flowed perfectly.

We had a wonderful time last night, and took plenty of pictures for the benefit of Miss Sunshine's husband, Gadget - part of the 'payment' for my getting to borrow her for the night. And this morning... I'm off back to pay attention to two of my favourite people. I wish all of you as good a week as mine, if not better!

x

Wow, where did February go?

2007-03-08T22:23:00.000Z

So the last fortnight has been another eventful one. - My gosh I have been too busy doing to blog about it! I have found a new place to rent, (furnished, with the most perfect bed for bondage, a glorious wall feature made of branches, and sexy polished wood floor!) and moved in.
I went to the friends of Coffee, Cake and Kink meeting and picked up some temporary work, which has been handy, and will be back next week to do some voluntary work there to help out - I swear, I will be moving in at some point!

Went to Cambridge to hear Optimus play in a concert, and had my first experience of electroplay - oh my gosh that was intense! I seem to have altered his perceptions a bit lately, and he has gone from believing that monogamy was the best option for him to realising that in fact, we are in a polyamorous relationship of sorts and it suits him just fine - he wrote some rather flattering things about me in his own blog (which for reasons of privacy I won't link to, however).

Met my chocolate loving friend again for dinner a couple of times (true to form, he cooked me steak with dark chocolate sauce - very tasty!) - I am meeting his significant other for the first time at the weekend, as we are all three going to Torture Garden, which will be my first time - this is the first wardrobe crisis I have had in years, as I don't have any real fetish wear, and all my more theatrical clothing is still residing in the Goldfish Bowl with T where I can't get at it in time. Also the boots I was planning to wear have been living with Duchess since December, and apparently have unfortunately broken whilst they were in her keeping, so I really am not sure what to replace them with that isn't going to cost me more than I can afford to spend. Especially between now and Saturday!
I am a bit nervous about meeting the S.O. concerned - partly because she has apparently been rather worried about his involvement with me - she is very new to the concept of polyamory, and I am very much hoping to both make a good impression, and set any fears at rest that she may have at the same time - I am not interested in stealing her partner, more in adding to what they already have!

Looking forward hugely to next friday, when I get to see my beloved Nice Guy again (*starting to think he might need a less generic nickname, now that he is a long-term fixture- Hunnymonster may be appearing in his stead in the coming weeks!)
- there has been a lot of discussion over the status and state of our our relationship over the last two weeks.
NG used the 'L word' for the first time without qualifiers, which I think came as something of a relief, and I have started wondering what I actually really mean by the word 'single', anyway.

At the moment I seem to be having my cake and eating it as well - I am single so far as I have no limits on my behaviour other than self-imposed ones, but I have all the support and the fluffy feelings that come from being in a relationship - actually in my mind, this is polyamory.
The love and acceptance of people exactly as they are, as they fit into your life and vice versa, without trying to mould things into anything else.

We still have a lot to discuss - he is not used to the idea of poly, and is still uncomfortable with some aspects of it. There has been a lot of talking, a lot of long phone calls and late night messaging, and a lot of reassurance needed on both sides.
On his part needing help dealing with insecurities and fears brought to light by my now starting to see other new people, having been accidentally monogamous whilst in the Goldfish Bowl, by the change in situation and the struggle of his being stuck back there while I am living the life I want to in the City.
On my side, fears that I am going to end up in another situation like I ended up in with T, where I started out in a very much open relationship, moved in together by accident and found myself edged into monogamy after he realised we were 'serious', with painful and disastrous results when I tried to move things back the way I really wanted and needed them to be.

I am determined to stick to my year of freedom, and he wants very much to support me in this, even if it gets a bit uncomfortable at times - the fact that he believes I am worth the effort is rather touching, and I love him all the more for it.

What's to come next year? That's a thing to decide many months down the line, but I hope it will involve much more time for us to be together, and love, and freedom, and well... I am far too old to believe in happy ever afters, but it would be nice to think of a good many years of honesty, openness and caring for each other.

Right now, though, I am as single as I need to be, and living life to the full, and this is good. I will attempt to blog more often, just to keep up with things, but I know the next few weeks are going to be equally hectic. I haven't forgotten about you though!

Carmine
x

Happy Birthday to Me

2007-02-22T01:12:00.000Z

It has been an interesting week - my birthday yesterday, though I kept it fairly quiet. It was a good day with interesting people, including a fascinating guy I met at CCK, who took me out for the best hot chocolate I have had in the British Isles, and a very actively christian friend of mine from Dullsville, where my family live, who was extremely entertaining. Another glorious bunch of flowers from Nice Guy made me smile as well, and I have now officially run out of places to put any more! My room does smell rather gorgeously of lilies, now, though, and they brighten the place up marvellously, so that is not a complaint in the slightest.

Monday was a rather wistful social evening with Busybee and Duchess, Sunday evening was spent with my Gay Fiancee, who is always fabulous, and going back to Saturday I found myself seduced by a married couple, much to my surprise.

This evening has been a rather interesting one too - I will go into details later once I discover quite how anonymous my companion for the evening would like to be. I will probably type up the entries from my paper diary and backdate them for the last few days, as it really has been a fascinating few days.

I think I am going to love being in the City - so much more access to people with whom I can explore my sexuality, and places where it is safe to do so - and I do seem to have a lot of sexuality to explore!

A slight down on the week has made me a bit stressed, that I am now looking actively for another place to live, having been priced out of my existing flat. Hopefully I will find myself a good sized room and some open-minded housemates, and it will turn out to be a good thing in the long term, but it is a little unsettling at the moment moving around so much.

Off to bed now, as I have a lot of catching up with myself to do tomorrow, but hope to be back again in the morning.

Scarlet
x

Single on Valentines Day

2007-02-16T04:25:00.000Z

So I am back in the City, as of silly o'clock on Monday morning, and starting to get my feet closer to the ground.
Monday was spent mostly sleeping, and Tuesday unpacking, food shopping, and working on a little V-day project I had planned but left myself little time to complete (there were things I had needed to fetch from the Goldfish Bowl to get it done, so I didn't have much option there). I finished work after midnight, and then suddenly it was Valentines day. I opened my one valentines card, from the lovely Nice Guy, wished he and a number of other sweeties a happy V-day online, and retired to a bed half occupied by a very sleepy Duchess, who had come over to crash again after work.

Wednesday proper was of course still Valentines, and having woken up early, I decided to surprise my pretty lady friend with a special breakfast - bacon sandwiches and tea on a pink covered tray with matching cup, and a pretty pink rose to match - would have been the more surprising had she not wandered into the kitchen midway through my preparing it, but the thought counted, I think, and it was served in bed. We spent much of the morning looking through what's on pages to decide what to do later, and eventually gave up and went out for coffee and shopping. Overdid it slightly, though, as by the time we got back to change ready for our night out as single girls she was too tired to go. So not only was I single - I was on my own. Darn.

All was not lost though - I still wanted to go out, and I realised I did at least know one place where I could go out alone and have a good time. Coffee, Cake and Kink is, I swear, the best cafe in the world, at least for a girl like me, and I could happily live there. They were serving chocolate fondue in honour of valentines day, mostly aimed at couples, but when I wandered in on my own, the staff were (as always) so welcoming, and so friendly, they actually made a dinky half-size fondue just for me, using a sugar bowl to melt the chocolate in, and I must say it was worth every penny.
I had a fantastic evening out, enjoyed treating myself, and chatting for hours to staff and customers alike, and eventually left well after their advertised closing time, full of chocolate and fruit and tea, and with a possible date for hot chocolate next week. (Single doesn't mean I can't coffee-date, right? Just not being exclusive, hooray!)

Have been in more than daily contact with Nice Guy since I got back here. I must admit, single or no, it is lovely to really know that someone cares about you. I woke up from a nap around lunchtime to a knock on the door and the most gorgeous arrangement of flowers I had ever seen in person, in their own vase and addressed to me - NG had been feeling a little sentimental yesterday, apparently, and had ordered them on a whim. I have to admit I was rather overcome. The fact that I couldn't run and hug him to say thankyou rather brought home the physical distance between us right now, and that made me sad a little, but the sentiment of the gift made me very happy.

A busy weekend coming up now, so I shall get on, but I do want to say - A happy belated V-day to you all!

Rouge
xxx

Plane Hopping and Bed Hopping

2007-02-07T09:43:00.000Z

It's been a few days since I managed to get any length of time to myself in front of a web connection, so I haven't been keeping up with myself lately. Having run around the country back home catching up with many friends and loved ones, I am back in the Goldfish Bowl for a week, having booked the flights on a whim, with the assistance of the ever so suited to his nickname Nice Guy, who did the booking part, and paid for half of the flights.

Not only that, the sweet and thoughtful NG also booked a hotel for the night I arrived, as a very lovely surprise, so that we only had a few minute drive that night, instead of the two hour one I was expecting, and yesterday he arranged for us to go flying in a small plane with a friend who is a pilot, which was rather fantastic, and also totally unexpected. Spending time with him makes me so happy, I just want so much to give the same back. Must keep this one, oh yes.

I had been a bit nervous about coming back so soon, especially with the rather odd situation with T, and the old fashioned environment that means we are all still being very quiet about our relationship status, but it has been an absolutely wonderful few days, and promises to continue being so. It will be hard to leave again, but at least I know I will see NG again in march, when he comes to see me, which I am already looking forward to immensely, and I should be back out here again in June for a visit - I might not want to live here, but it is a gorgeous place to visit.

Tonight we are having a video night, that is myself, Nice Guy, and T, which I am really rather looking forward to. Feel a tiny bit guilty that it was meant to be T's night alone, but he made no noises objecting when I suggested it. Would like to stay over at his anyway, but I guess I will see how it goes. To some extent I have given up on the boy - I have said many times to him that I am always open to hear what he has to say, so if he wanted more time, or to do something different I would hope that he'd tell me, but I still suspect he would more likely think things and not say them. Still, it was nice that his response when I said I was coming back for a visit, and asked if he'd like to see me was 'That would be nice', rather than a worry or a grumble.
As long as T is happy, then I really couldn't care less what the rest of the Goldfish Bowl thinks.

Now that we are separated by a bit more distance, it is getting easier to remember the good things about my time with T, and what we loved about each other, rather than the negatives, and we have gone back to accepting each other as-is instead of trying to make changes. I am remembering why I loved him, and why I still do. I am grateful that even though we were breaking up in the sense of not wanting to be in a primary relationship any more, he has still done his best to be understanding and supportive and civil, even when we are arguing about details, as have I. It makes me feel so proud of both of us, that we have gone through so much difficult emotional stuff and still managed in some way to be there for each other, and not drag anyone else into our troubles either. It just brings home to me all the more why I loved him in the first place, and why I still want him in my life.

Gosh, it has taken me far too long to draft this, I have been meandering. Will probably be offline until I get back home, which will be monday - three flights in a week, that must surely make me part of the jet set! So here's looking forward to a good weekend!

Scarlet
x

A change is as good as a rest?

2007-01-29T13:21:00.000Z

I hope so, because I've had a change, but it sure isn't restful right at the moment.

So I flew back to the country I call home on Tuesday. Nice Guy drovee me to the airport, and we stopped for a picnic on the beach before I got on the plane, which was gorgeous, and rather poignant. Since getting back though I have hardly had a minute to myself, which I suppose is a good thing.

Duchess did meet me from the airport on Tuesday night, and I was so tired I simply crashed and fell asleep as soon as she left. Optimus came to see me on wednesday, who I met in CCK and have been talking to online since. It was nice to see him again in person, but somewhat tiring. He helped me shop for things for my new room though, which was much appreciated. He left on thursday night, and then came a call from Rocketman to say he was nearby and had missed his train home, so could he stay? So my sofa was occupied another night, and it wasn't until friday I actually got some serious alone time, and lovely as my friends are, it was a relief just to be able to lounge around the house for a bit without having to be sociable.

Saturday I hopped on a coach to see Miss Sunshine and Scaredycat (previously known as 'S'), and it was lovely, and inclusive of tea and bacon, but a bit rushed, and I was glad to get home again.

First moment I actually felt lonely was saturday night. I had managed to damage myself a few days before leaving the Goldfish Bowl, and it had all looked to be healing well until saturday night when i got home and things suddenly took a turn for the worse. There I was in casualty, on my own, and with nobody close to turn to.
Duchess was away for the weekend, T was in the right country, but incommunicado (and if I am honest not great in a crisis anyway) and Nice Guy a plane flight away. Guess this is the downside of wanting to be out on your own - when things go wrong, you are indeed on your own. Still, all was ok in the end, and Nice Guy talked to me on the phone for about an hour, which made me feel a heck of a lot better.

I am missing Nice Guy like crazy. Had really been getting used to seeing him on a daily basis, and it is hard to be without that so suddenly, even though I knew it was coming. We've been keeping in contact by text and phone, to the point where I am worrying about his phone bill, but he tells me I'm worth it. It would be so nice just to be closer though.
Rather as predicted, I am fighting the urge to move back into coupledom. I do love NG, and indeed finally voiced it on the way out of the Goldfish Bowl, but I am also very aware that I need to keep a firm grip on my independence, both financial and emotional, and I think things need to be taken slowly. He is still considering how he feels about polyamory, and I am reading back through my old diaries to remind myself of the issues I have had with the alternative. I do still feel I need to stick to being single for the year, at least in the sense of not having any sort of conditions imposed on me by anyone else (other than obvious safety ones).
Still, the possibility of a visit in early feb was mentioned last night, and it is rather tempting. Especially as I am still healing. A week or so of not being entirely on my own looking after myself rather appeals at the moment. Much to think about.

T is back here as well at the moment, on business, and we both had dinner with my family last night. It felt just like old times, except for the fact he didn't stay over. Things seem to be getting easier between us now, it doesn't feel quite so strange. We are going out tonight for a pub quiz with the old crowd, Busybee and others, and I am staying over afterwards. We never really got to have goodbye sex before I left the Goldfish Bowl thanks to some 'female issues', so tonight will probably be the substitute for that.

Will be popping to see Hobbit (my other ex, previously C) this afternoon before the pub, and the much beloved Busybee has offered me dinner tomorrow, and then I have a meal out on wednesday with my family, it is looking to be quite a busy week again. Then it is back to the city on thursday, and an evening's rest before my Gay Fiancee takes me out on the Friday. At some point I will need to start looking for work, as well. Wish me luck!

2.5 days left

2007-01-21T01:35:00.000Z

So on Tuesday I am moving (again) to a new city, with a suitcase, some clothes, and not a whole lot else. It feels rather appropriate. It will be a completely blank slate for me.

Feeling just a little nostalgic about leaving the Goldfish Bowl. My last few days have been lovely, and my leaving party tonight, joint with one of the guys was fantastic, everyone was so sweet, telling me they're going to miss me, and I must admit the last six weeks I have really felt part of things around here. Even so, it's never really been quite my own scene, I am both looking forward to going, and to visiting again when the place isn't home any more. It's been fun being local eccentric, but I think I will be glad to blend in a bit again, really.

Nice Guy took me out on Friday of last week, and bought me a gift to remember him by. It will be months before I see him again in person, after Tuesday, so it is a lovely thing to have a souvenir I can keep. I gave him a present, too, as a thankyou.
He has been fantastic the last week, cooking for me a lot, taking me out to places, helping me work through things to do with T and the move and lending me the peace and quiet of his house when things elsewhere have been too much. He really has been a good friend, and more. The candle-lit dinner he made me last night was beautiful, and the rest of the evening is something I shan't forget in a hurry, either. I hadn't had such a treat for all five of my senses in a long time. One way or another I need to keep that man in my life.

T has been less demonstrative even than usual. We still hug, and when we are actually together things are an odd echo of how they used to be, but I think he has rather pulled away to make things easier on himself, and I don't want to push things, really. I will miss him, but really I wonder if we will stay in touch, just because I am absent minded, and he really doesn't seem to miss people. I think in the four years we were together he spoke to his old 'best friend' maybe twice. I guess we will see. I will make an effort anyway, for both of us.

T is taking me out on Monday to get a goodbye gift as well, and then NG is taking me to the airport on Tuesday, then I am all on my own. It probably isn't quite as dramatic as all that, admittedly. Duchess is meeting me at the other end, I know the person I will be renting a room from, and it turns out that his girlfriend is good friends with Miss Sunshine, as well, who came to visit me in september. So hopefully I will get to see more of her and Tigger. Duchess will be working across the road, so I will get to see much more of her, I hope, and the rest of my friends and sweeties will be only a short coach or train ride away.

Nice Guy introduced me to Katie Melua lately, and lent me a couple of albums - she is quite definitely my new musical love. The song 'Crawling up a Hill' seems particularly apt at the moment:

___
Every morning 'bout half past eight,
My Mummer wakes me says,
"Don't be late",
Get to the office, tryin' to concentrate,
My life is just a slow train crawling up a hill.

So I stop one day to figure it out,
I'll quit my job without a shadow of a doubt,
To sing the blues that I know about,
My life is just a slow train crawling up a hill.

Minute after minute,
Second after second,
Hour after hour goes by,
Working for a rich girl,
Staying just a poor girl,
Never stop to wonder why.

So here I am in London town,
A better scene I'm gonna be around,
The kind of music that won't bring me down,
My life is just a slow train crawling up a hill.
___

Next couple of days will be pretty hectic, with packing and more goodbyes. Then I may be offline for a little while at the other end for a few days, so I am not sure when I will catch up on goings-on, but I will be back, and keeping track of my new single life just as soon as I can.

Red

x

Earth shattered, but nothing changed.

2007-01-06T20:45:00.000Z

In which I spend a weekend introspecting.

I nearly didn't post this, as I think some parts of it might be too much information, and other parts are so very personal. Some of it is not exactly flattering to my vanity, either, but it is honest. Life is not all roses, and nobody is perfect, but at least we can try - and understanding is one of the things that helps most.

I have been pondering a lot lately, and this weekend particularly. About my reasons for being the way I am, about my past, about my future, about what I can and can't change about myself.
In terms of what affects my relationships with people, I am bisexual - in that I am attracted to both men and women, that is something I believe will never change. I have a very high sex drive, which may or may not change as I get older, and I have a taste for kink perhaps not shared by the general population. All of these things make it somewhat harder for me to see monogamy as an option, though I will always admit that none of them makes it entirely impossible.
However - the thing that makes monogamy really impossible for me? It just doesn't make sense. The closest thing I have heard to a sensible reason is that 'it makes life simpler' (this from a man with the most complicated social life I have ever seen). NG tells me that men are possessive by nature, but we go against nature, and against instinct every day of our lives, and I just can't accept that as a reason for doing anything.
I know very well that love and sex are different things. I also know from experience that it is possible to be in love with more than one person at the same time, and happily so, and ditto for sex. So why on earth should I change what isn't broken?

I have felt isolated quite often over the past year, over the past few. I have doubted myself, I have wavered. I have been without a support network, and without people who understood me. I find even the few friends I have who really agree with me that polyamory is a valid choice tend to back down when faced with an ultimatum and play monogamite (and cheat, in the case of one or two). I have been told that it is worth compromising 'to be someone's special someone'. Perhaps it is. There is a certain appeal to simplicity of life.
However, I am still young, still idealistic, still naive in some ways, as I have discovered over the past year or so, and I believe in honesty, and in sticking to my principles. I am willing to entertain the idea that there are some things in life worth compromising for. Not this year, though. I think, in the long run it may become a rule of thumb for me. If it's worth keeping, it's worth waiting for.

So what has had me thinking again?

On Friday I experienced, at the hands of a certain Nice Guy, what was probably the most intense orgasm of my life. Earth shattering is the phrase that springs to mind. I am somehow surprised that the tremors weren't felt across the other side of the planet. Some part of me thinks there should have been newspaper headlines asking what caused the major earthquake. It seems unreasonable that the world remains unchanged despite my being shaken to my core.

It seems fairly ridiculous that one man, one pair of hands could make me feel that way. Almost banal thinking about it now, when I am back down to earth.

A few hours later, once I had recovered my ability to walk, talk and focus (I do not kid about this) I discovered that, for the second or third time in a week or so, I had hit a level of mental clarity that I had not otherwise felt since roughly age 14 - before I got interested in sex, in fact. It seems that I have been so distracted by my libido that I have not been thinking straight ever since. Only the feeling of being completely satisfied lifted me out of this.
It is a positive thing in that now I know that it is possible for me to feel this way, but it does make me a little depressed knowing that I will be leaving here in barely over a fortnight, and beyond that the future is just a big blank space. There are no guarantees, and that is hard. This sort of feeling is not a thing I can reproduce without assistance.

I have been pondering the implications of this since I left there, and I guess ultimately it makes no difference to my immediate plans. I still have to leave, and to go and live on my own for a good while. Still need to be single for a year, and to know some of what life is like without compromising. I have been feeling more and more attached to NG, and I find I need to get some distance to work out whether it is purely the oxytocin high talking, or whether there is something else as well, and indeed whether it even matters. Even if it does mean a year of tearing phone books, or more than that if things don't work out - after all, I don't expect him to wait for me. I have to gamble that misery now will lead to me being happier farther along the line.

Then yesterday, looking through some old papers, I found some pages I had written when I was first with T, about how wonderful it was to be with him, how good he made me feel, and how I was so sure I could cope with monogamy just to be with him, despite having sworn that I would never do it again only months before. It rings a few alarm bells again when I look at things as they are at the moment, reminds me I must be more wary about making such compromises, especially when hormones are running high and things are new and exciting. I do not want to end up in the same situation again a few years down the line. Patience is the lesson to be learned, I think. Once again, I wonder what the next year will bring. A break from the established pattern is the hope, anyway.

A conversation with C, who is my previous ex also confirmed the need to change. -

C :
and you reckon you'll stay single for a whole year?
hmm, a month maybe?

Miss Scarlet :
single that is, rather than celibate

C :
yeah
still...
or until you get to London and fall in love with someone else
its easily said, but hard to do

Miss Scarlet :
no, I really mean it, and i'm going to stick by it, and anyone who is worth sticking around for the long term will understand and respect that

C :
fair enough
sounds quite idealistic for you
and I think mostly you agree to compromise, but don't really do so

Miss Scarlet :
you mean me personally?

C :
yeah, you personally
or if you do compromise, you begrudge it

Miss Scarlet :
yeah, you're right, tbh, I did, and then I pushed for what I wanted anyway, and where I really couldnt get it grudgingly agreed I ended up cheating, and I hated myself for it. i'm done with that.

C :
its not just a one-off tho, is it?

Miss Scarlet :
that's why the year off, I am breaking the pattern

C :
You don't think next time you'll agree to monogamy?

Miss Scarlet :
I think I am going to have a year to see how I am without any Significant Other at all

C :
thats what you said after me!

Miss Scarlet :
I know, and I have kicked myself about not sticking to it for four years

C :
ah

Miss Scarlet :
so lesson learned

Well, on the positive side, the only thing simpler in life than sticking to just one person is having nobody. I could certainly do with a rest right now.

Starting as I mean to go on.

2007-01-01T02:31:00.000Z

In which I make a new year's resolution, and confess to an unusual inspirational figure.

That is, this year I will look after myself, and do what I want to do, not what anyone tells me I want.

My mantra?

If Britney Spears can have a pop career, I can do or be whatever the hell I want.

An odd choice, perhaps, for an inspirational figure, but look at it this way - the girl can't sing live for toffee (I strongly suspect she can't actually sing at all), she defaults to greasy, spotty slob-likeness at the drop of a hat, as the tabloids can tell you, and she isn't exactly the sharpest tool in the box, and yet there she is, every few months, dragging herself back out of her pit, crash dieting, exercising and miming away to her pre-recorded nonsense to appear on stage as a sex symbol and pop star - could a girl be more unsuited for fame? Probably not very. Does it stop her? Does it hell.
Sure, she no doubt has a manager nagging at her to get on with it, as well, but ultimately if being on stage wasn't something the girl wanted, she could have dropped into comfortable obscurity long ago. I think it begs a certain amount of respect that she just keeps on getting back up there.

I wouldn't buy her albums, but every time I see Britney on TV, or in the papers, I just think "If she can, then anybody can."

2007 is the Year of Me. I have made a promise to myself that I will be formally single for the year, having not been really on my own in relationship terms for more than a fortnight in my entire adult life.
This is the year where I take a step back, take stock, learn to look after myself again all on my own, and with a bit of luck, get some way farther towards figuring out some sort of career plan (even if it is just to confirm the inkling I have that I neither want, nor need an actual 'career', as such).

Well, it all sounds good. Just need to keep reminding myself that I am capable, intelligent, attractive and above all independent, and I can carve my own path through life. And if Britney can do it, I sure as hell can.

Tonight was New Year's celebrations at Nice Guy's house. A small party, just a few friends and neighbours, and of course including T (my very recent ex who I am still living with). A lovely, cosy evening, with much friendly banter, playful flirtation, and of course lots of food and drink. I got dressed up just for the hell of it, in full-on Jessica Rabbit style, which at least NG seemed to rather appreciate, and gosh it is nice to be appreciated, but in the end of the evening, here I am, in my own room, all alone, and entirely by my own choice. This is me time.
No doubt I will have an abundance of this in the coming months, but having been juggling so many other peoples issues for so long, I am starting to see it as a blessed relief, rather than something to be avoided.

The sun will be rising, shortly, on the first day of the new year, MY year, and I find myself watching the east with my newly rediscovered sense of curiosity as to what the next few months will hold. Right now though, I am going to stick to my resolution of looking after myself, and that means bed and sleep.

Happy New Year, everybody!

x

... And RELAX

2006-12-31T10:51:00.000Z

Ecstatic release, just as the doctor ordered. Have I mentioned how much I love Nice Guys?
And one Nice Guy, in particular, who, let's face it, is the reason I am still in the Goldfish Bowl, and have not freaked out and run away already. So good to have sanity, friendship and sheer rampantness all in one place! So hooray for that.

Only three weeks left til the big move though, and so much still not sorted out. Guess I can't relax all that much yet. I am looking forward to getting into my new place, and just not having anything hanging over me. I am sure it won't all be roses, but that alone makes it seem a lot more bearable.
Plus I have been talking to a couple of online friends who live not all that far from where I will be, and I know Duchess will be there, and Cad, and some other old friends, so with luck I won't be entirely short of people to spend time with. Fingers crossed, with my right hand back in working order, and trips to see a few special people, I might even manage to keep the old libido under control, too.

Oh isn't it nice? I am so optimistic when I'm post-orgasmic - just hope I can keep it up!

Give me that telephone book, damnit!

2006-12-28T23:04:00.000Z

In which I am screaming silently with frustration.

Well, there goes my four day limit, sailing blithely by like a swan floating along a cool, crisp and swift-moving river. Unfortunately, like the swan, all is turmoil beneath the surface. It is years since I went this long without sex, or at least some sort of close contact, and I don't think I have been without an alternative (that is, some way to please myself) since puberty. Eek!

Gosh oh gosh oh gosh, how am I going to cope with being single? I am wanting to smash crockery and destroy the universe already. Not to mention tear the clothes off certain people and rub myself against them frantically.

Things are very definitely not helped by the fact that my right hand is out of action (I sprained it badly the other day) - of all the things I have managed to train myself to do left handed, self-pleasure is not one of them. I think I may just have the worst timing in the world. Too-Much-Information this may be, but try as I might earlier I could not get myself off. I will have to have another go later though, or I really will be screaming at people tomorrow. I could possibly cope with the lack of sex if I had an alternative release, but this is just too much.

T is gorgeous, but aloof, and I have promised myself no more post breakup sex unless he makes the first move. He has said yes the last couple of times I have asked, but I just lose a little more self respect each time I do. Yes, sex might be my reason for being, but I still believe I should control it and not vice versa, and simply going for the nearest available person - that is not respectful of either of us. I still very much love T, and want to be certain that we are playing for his pleasure too, not just mine.
Same goes for Nice Guy, too. I am trying desperately hard not to pressure, despite being turned on as anything whenever we're in the same room. I have made the mistake before of presuming that someone else wanted sex, or even just physical closeness as much as I did, and accidentally making it seem like a chore rather than a joy to be shared. I have so much to give though, I feel like just overflowing all over the place.

At least I have shared virtual hugs and kisses with Duchess, with the promise of real ones in person when I get back there in a few weeks time. It is such a lovely thing, just to be close to someone that way. Especially someone as inwardly and outwardly lovely as she is. I am so glad to know her, and indeed all of my friends, near and far. They remind me that the world is not such a bad place after all. (You too, J - I know you'll read this - virtual hugs will have to keep sufficing until we meet in person, but I am sure we will one day)

I will be optimistic about this - I am sure the release of all this tension, when it comes, will be nothing short of ecstatic.

Humbugs and Sweeties

2006-12-27T13:08:00.000Z

In which I am frustrated and low, but gain a new friend.

Well Christmas went better than i had worried about, perhaps not as well as I had hoped. Alcohol is a bad bad thing, and I am reminded once again why I avoid it most of the time.

Probably not everyone's idea of Christmas - sharing a cabin with a newly ex-boyfriend, whilst a current lover sleeps next door with his ex-girlfriend who doesn't officially know what is going on, and a bunch of other friends a few doors down who definitely aren't meant to. Still, the parts of it that I managed to forget about sex, it was good fun. The fact that there were no aging relatives, no kids, no sprouts (we had chinese food for Christmas dinner) and none of the usual rubbish that comes with the season definitely made a refreshing change. Bah humbug, indeed!

I have now been introduced to Nice Guy's ex, Snippet, she is small, feisty and warm hearted, and pretty much how I had imagined from what NG had said about her. I probably have not made an amazing first impression, considering I managed to get drunk (to be fair, she was the one pouring the drinks!), get upset and go running off, damaging myself in the process, and causing NG to get very worried about me and go out searching at silly o'clock in the morning. Got back to face the pair of them trying to bully me into admitting that life is worth living, which I think just made me all the more tearful, being on a serious low in self esteem, and not feeling I was worth all the fuss, but in soberness now I appreciate the effort. NG cleaned up my grazes and checked nothing was broken (in a slightly sadistic manner, but I thoroughly deserved it, I am sure) and Snippet railroaded me into staying over, no doubt so they could keep an eye and make sure I was OK.

I have been struggling very hard to remain optimistic, lately. It's not that I really believe anything awful is going to happen when I move out on my own, but I find it all so hard to picture. Not having been really single, or indeed lived alone, at any point in my adult life, it is going to be hard getting used to just not having someone there all the time. All the more reason to go and do it, of course, but I can't convince myself it is going to be easy. Nice Guy being so damn lovely doesn't make it any easier, either. I'm going to miss him horribly.

At any rate, I like Snippet, and (crossing my fingers, here) it seems to be somewhat mutual. I'm hoping we can spend a little more time together as a group before she leaves. I am desperate for a little bit of alone time with NG, as well, but I don't know how feasible that is going to be between now and New Year. I may just have to be tough, and hold on until then.

I am at least proud of myself for not having torn any telephone books in two, yet.

Going to extremes

2006-12-23T23:28:00.000Z

In which I take an enforced rest from having rampant daily sex... Damn.

So from a fortnight of sheer abundance, thanks to Nice Guy and morning tea, tomorrow marks the start of a week of probable celibacy. NG's ex is out visiting, and we are all (NG, ex, T and I) going away for Christmas with some neighbours who don't know the full story of what's going on.
Because of where we are, things have to be kept discreet to the point of near paranoia. Plus NG points out it is somewhat rude to be engaging in public displays of affection in front of exes (or indeed, any invited guests, friends, relatives, whatever), and we will have one each on the trip.
Very frustrating - to have T there, in fact sharing a room with him, who is gorgeous and friendly, but a closed book to me now, and NG as well, constantly in view, but not allowed to touch, and knowing all too well what i'm missing out on... cruel and unusual torture!

Still, if I can keep my mind off sex, the next few days should be fantastic fun, knowing how well we all get along, and it will be fascinating to meet someone who has been special to NG for a long time. Can't help but remember everything that came of the last time I met a lover's ex, and all that came of it, and indeed still is (Busybee and Duchess, that was - both of whom still having a very special place in my life).
Mixed feelings, then, but I am determined to enjoy what I can, over the Christmas period, celibate or no.

And on that note - Merry Christmas to everyone, and I shall see you in a few days - Will be incommunicado while we're away due to lack of internet. Wish me luck again!

x

Willpower? Who's He?

2006-12-21T01:19:00.000Z

In which there is further rampantness and wistfulness, and failure to get things done.

Managed to take *some* positive steps towards sorting out things around the house today - still a long way to go, though. I've been distracting myself to avoid dealing with things I don't really want to, and I find I'm showing signs of addictive behaviour.
Nice Guy has had almost no time to himself lately - I have had very little chance of social contact lately with anyone else, but I am a little disgusted at myself having been following him around like a puppy.
Isn't it always ones own faults that are most annoying in other people? By golly I hate needy girls. Space needed, definitely. It is just the fact that I am leaving in four weeks time that has let me excuse it to myself for this long. Still want to make the most of it, but I think there *is* such a thing as too much of a good thing.

So this evening, the plan was to give NG a night off and get on with things at home. It actually did go well, until a bit later on, when I'd spent a few hours throwing junk out, and had a late dinner, and felt like socialising a bit - so I text to see what he's up to, and end up inviting myself over for a cup of tea. He is kicking himself when I get there, because he wanted some alone time, and couldn't say no to me, and I am kicking myself for not staying at home and working, as I know I am busy tomorrow.
It came so close to actually being just a cup of tea, too, but there is just so much chemistry at the moment that willpower on both sides crumbled and I ended up not leaving until after 1am. Damn. Fantastic, wonderful evening, but once again no work done - I am useless for most things after sex.

The willpower thing is hard - At least if I make a promise to someone else then I do stick to it. It's promises to me that are harder, my sense of responsibility doesn't always extend to looking after myself. Pleasure now is so much easier to justify to myself than denial now and pleasure later. Just another thing to work on.

That's not to say I will stop asking for things I want - makes a whole lot more sense than feeling resentful because people fail to read my mind and offer, and I always take no for an answer, however disappointed I may be. I just need to work on wanting things that are actually healthy for me.
As wonderful as impromptu late night orgasm-fests might be, I suspect that getting some work done and my packing started would have done me more good.
Damn, I hate being a grown-up.

There will be tea in the morning, and then tomorrow evening will *definitely* be alone time - I need to find my vibrator, for one thing - poor Alice is buried somewhere in the horror that is my room. Otherwise, I think I may just go insane over Christmas week. NG will have his ex staying, so there will be nothing from that quarter, I am not really sleeping with T these days, and I swore to avoid anyone new until I leave the Goldfish Bowl.
I know a week sounds pretty small, but I have barely gone four days without sex in a number of years, and had a fairly nasty accident the last time, through sheer distraction. So I am perhaps a little phobic about it, based on that experience.

Ah well, I am a rational being (most of the time), and I know that lack of sex will not suddenly cause the world to end, however much I personally may feel like destroying it. There may be many new additions to my fantasy blog at the end of the week though. All that libido has got to go somewhere!

Repeat after me,
"There is more to life than sex,"
"There is more to life than sex,"
"There is more to life than sex,"
"There is more to life than sex,"
"There is more to life than sex,"

A mantra for the coming weeks, I think.

Nothing much to say right now

2006-12-18T11:27:00.000Z

Everything I said last week still applies, really, except that it is now near enough two weeks since I got back, and I still haven't started packing properly. At least I have arranged a place to live for when I leave here, even if it is only a temporary basis, it is my own space, and it will be so much easier to look for somewhere else when I am local. I may have no belongings to keep there, but it will be mine!

Things with T are good, though the boat hasn't been rocked much yet. We will still need to go through a big list of what we had jointly and work out what he is keeping and what I will be taking with me. Still need to work out what exactly is happening about the house, too. It is hard for me to even think about, as I tend to just shut down under that sort of stress, but it is going to have to be done at some point.

Hard to believe how close we are to Christmas. I have done nothing about presents or cards at all this year, and feel totally un-festive. My relatives and close friends are well used to not getting presents until a month or so after most dates, though, since I am rather disorganised. So I guess there is nothing new there really.

I have been talking to Nice Guy about things in the far future, at least on a theoretical level, about how things might work between us after we have both left the Goldfish Bowl . It does bring up a lot of mixed feelings. My gut feeling is that there is real potential there, but I have lost so much confidence in my own judgement lately that I can't trust that, and the word 'rebound' echoes in the back of my mind when I consider it. Add to that the fact that he is moving to precisely the town I was so desperate to get away from, and B and my family are still going to be there, it all starts to look so complicated.
It is a long way off though, and I am well aware of how much things can change in even a week, let alone my year of being single.
I have never been very patient, but I think this might be one thing I have no choice but to wait and see about.
For the moment, we are making the most of the time we have left as neighbours here in the Goldfish Bowl, and there is still a great deal of tea, bacon and orgasmic bliss, whatever the future might hold.

Time, the great healer?

2006-12-12T11:54:00.000Z

In which there is rampantness, wistfulness and a complete failure to get anything useful done.

Well, it has been a week since I got back to the Goldfish Bowl, and I am still no farther with packing to leave, but more sure that I am going.
I have spent a lot of time with Nice Guy, roughly on a daily basis, and stayed over a couple of times. He continues to surprise me with sheer enthusiasm, experimentation, and a straightforwardness that I find hilarious at times, but very refreshing. The last week has involved trying out a couple of things that I have been dying to for ages, and at least one that I hadn't thought I ever would.
I'd love things to carry on just as they are, which actually makes me realise I really need to keep my promise to myself and be single for a good length of time, or risk ruining something lovely by constantly wondering if I should have.

I have seen less of T, even though we are still living in the same house, as he tends by choice to leave for work long before I get up, work fairly late, and go to bed very early, so he doesn't socialise that much. We have spent some time together though, and shared a bed on Sunday for the first time in a while, which was comforting. We did find ourselves going over those sore old topics again in the morning, because of talking about how to divide up the house, but held off from it becoming a huge blow-up, and had makeup sex afterwards. NG noted the scratches down my back later on.
There was snuggling on the sofa last night, as well, whilst watching Star Trek, and we talked about my coming back to visit later in the year.
I am slowly accepting that we were not really compatible in the first place, and I think so is he - that we were wanting very different things from the relationship, and both trying to push each other to fit in moulds that weren't suited. The letting go is hard, but I think it makes it easier for us to be friends - finally accepting each other for what we really are, and not so much ending, but finding a different way to be in each other's lives. I love T enough to want him to be happy, and I will support him in finding that without me, if I can.

Nice Guy is still struggling with the idea of being the 'Other Man', despite all reassurances from me, and from T (not helped by his not having been sober enough to remember T's). Hopefully things will simply carry on going smoothly, and that will wear off. This is my life, though, and unexpected complications seem to be around every corner lately, so I can only cross my fingers, rather than give any absolute assurances that nothing will go wrong.

At any rate, between the pair of them there is a whole lot of emotional stuff going on, which I realise I am not going to get past if I stay in the same area, so however much I might hate the idea at the moment, I will have to take the leap of faith and go. I have at least made some little steps towards a place to live when I leave here, so that is a positive thing.

We all went to a big social event on Friday, which was lovely, but made me feel a bit low, just thinking how I'm going to miss things. I nearly cried when one of the ladies there came up to me and said she had heard I was leaving, and that she thought the place needed people like me to liven things up. After all the issues I have had with being myself here, it just really hit me. Irony, sweet irony.
Still, it made me rethink my plan for leaving without any sort of comment - I guess I will have some sort of leaving party after all. Just need to work out what to tell people about exactly why I am leaving.

Christmas could be very odd, as well. T and I are going to spend Christmas Day, and the couple of days either side, away with a group of people which includes Nice Guy and an ex-girlfriend of his and a few local friends who officially have no idea what is going on between the three of us (though whether they will have guessed is another question). It could be either very pleasant, or absolute torture depending on how things work out. No doubt it will be more fun than spending the season with my family though, either way!

God, it took me almost all day to write this. I am so distracted lately, I can hardly get anything done. Hopefully the next week will be more productive.

Gosh

2006-12-07T03:25:00.000Z

Um, yes.

Gosh.

That is all.

Back in the Goldfish Bowl

2006-12-05T22:22:00.000Z

So I am back, for better or worse, for six weeks. Time to pack up my things, sort out my life, and try to work out where I go next.

Nice Guy came to pick me up, and it was very lovely. He brought a picnic of sushi, wine and tea, and parked the car along the route at a lookout point with a gorgeous view of the sea. We ate, and drank, and kissed and watched the sun go down. It was all rather beautiful.
I find myself desperately resisting using words like 'romantic' where NG is concerned, we are both rather wary of relationship type things, at the moment, and I think rightly so, but I think that's the word that best fits, really. It is so sweet to be treated, every now and then (that does make twice in two days, thanks to Duchess, as well, but otherwise still a rare event!) . Makes me glad I brought him back a little something from my visit, too.
Of course, what went on after dinner might not fit in most people's category of romance, just damn good fun, so that probably balances things out!

Caught up with T later on, had hugs and I nearly burst into tears, and wasn't sure why. Then he helped me get my new laptop set up, and then I messed up the evening by being tired and emotional and prodding him into going over old ground, which really didn't help things. At least there were hugs.

Have a breakfast date with NG tomorrow, looking forward to that. Then I have to get back to reality and work out what I am going to do in the next six weeks. Much work to do, things to chase up, and a lot of junk to throw out ready for my new life. Oh, and some work on what exactly this 'new life' is going to be, and where might be useful as well.

It will be a strange few weeks.

Two weeks away

2006-12-03T23:59:00.000Z

Got the Dido song 'Sand in my shoes' playing in my head as I type. Two weeks away, and it really does feel like the whole world should have changed, but I'm going back to - I'm not even sure quite what.

I am both excited and nervous to be going back for the Goldfish Bowl - it's only for six weeks, while I pack up my things, look for jobs and flats online, and avoid seeing any relatives over the Christmas period (I will be wearing my 'bah humbug' hat, no doubt), but then... it's only for six weeks - eek!

Six weeks, and then I have to start a whole new life again for the second time in only a few months. Six weeks to my being free and single, and standing on my own two feet, and six weeks until I am saying goodbye to both T and to Nice Guy again, and for a much longer time.
That last gives me some very mixed feelings.

While I've been away, I have been in daily text, phone or email contact with NG, sometimes all of the above, and our discussions have been quite... interesting, to say the least. I just don't know how things will actually pan out when I am back there in person, as we are still supposed to be rather secretive about things, I think, because of the peculiar situation. I would like to spend a lot of time together (roughly, all of it), and try out many of the things that have been mentioned, but the practicality of it is something I don't know about. I guess that is something to work out when I get there, though, and NG knows how things work out there better than I do, so I will see what he thinks about things.

It will all be so odd - living with one man, seeing another, and having promised that I will keep a low profile for the next few weeks, effectively monogamous, even though I am technically single. Christmas could be a very strange time indeed, this year.

On the positive side of things, the existence of places like Coffee, Cake and Kink makes me feel better about leaving the Goldfish Bowl - all of the places I am looking to live and work are within relatively easy reach of London via public transport, so I could pop in for visits on weekends, at least. Very different to where I have been for the last few months. The people we got talking to on Saturday were fascinating, and for the first time in a very long while I had the feeling 'here is a place I belong'.

A and I arrived there at around five, intending to stop for a coffee and then head back to his for food. We got chatting to other customers, and ended up staying until after the place officially closed at 11pm. The people we were chatting to included a 'professional victim', a reluctant domme, two founder members of a university fetish society, and a bisexual/polyamorous rights activist (who is taking a break to study physics - my geek detector almost exploded at that point, I must confess!).
**edit*-oops, got that the wrong way around, our activist is already qualified in physics, and now studying psychotherapy, silly me!*

I left the place on an absolute high, with a pocketful of email addresses and a lot of fascinating new ideas, having been talking non-stop for many hours about an impressive range of topics, from literature, film, Broadway shows and kids cartoons to the intricacies of electro-play, the correct use of a bull-whip, and whether or not there is a real need for safe-words in BDSM, to well, all sorts of fascinating things. We were still nattering when we left, and could probably have gone on for many more hours even after we had to split off in different directions at the tube station.

It was a good few more hours until sleep, A and I stopped for food on the way back to his house, and had finished eating and watched most of a film before A decided to play - and even after all that time I was still in the same near-orgasmic state I had been in since the conversation turned intellectual. By the time we finally slept I was on a high of a sort I had not achieved in many, many years. Just a shame we aren't really suited as a couple - the man doesn't even own a kettle!

When I move back, I will be taking all my friends to CCK, or at least all of the open-minded ones, anyway. Actually, I think I will take all of them - the rest clearly need a bit of a shock!

I have already had emails from two of the people I met there, and have just sent off a message myself to a third. Hoping there will be many positive consequences of that wonderful evening yet to come.

Some (very) random quotes:

"Stop throwing dildos at me! "

"Does it count if you're not conscious?"

"We used to call her Snow White and the Seven Dorks"

"... gonads felt up by anyone."
"What?"
"We were talking about the Pope."

"The lady who owns the gallery was my Grandmother's bisexual lover"

"It's basically a small, portable Tesla coil..."

"I realised there was no hope for me when I found myself comparing monogamy with Windows"

"Please do not lick the books"

I am in love!

2006-12-03T14:06:00.000Z

With this place - www.coffeecakeandkink.co.uk - the best coffee shop I have ever been to.

Many hours of fascinating discussion with interesting people. Not to mention excellent tea and coffee (I was there long enough to sample both) and very tasty cakes. Best evening I have had in a long time. Will go into more detail later, just had to share!

Home is a nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there.

2006-11-29T11:26:00.000Z

In which there is loneliness, and wistful sighs.

One of the troubles with openness and honesty, is that I felt I ought to mention the existence of my blog to those people who have featured in it. The down-side of this is that it does make it harder to muse about things in the abstract, or to be totally open about things, because I know that what I write will be read by the people involved.
My online journal is no longer a passive record, but an active participant in some of my relationships, and I am aware that at least one of the people I care deeply about is uncomfortable around me because of it - because even though I am anonymous to the rest of the world, there are other members of our close-knit social group that read this log. It does make for some complicated issues around privacy.
I do wish everyone would talk to me though - if I *know* there are issues, it is a whole lot easier to do something about them! (That goes for all of you!) I don't bite. Well, not hard, anyway.

I have been back home with my family for a couple of days. It has been lovely, but I remember why I can't live with them. Same goes for my ex, C, who I visited yesterday, which reminded me both of why I was with him for so long, and why he is my ex.
He has offered me a room to rent at knockdown rates for when I am back in the UK, which is fairly kind of him, but I think it is a last resort shortly before moving in with my family, as they both live in the same small town that I was so desperate to get out of before, and I don't really want to end up there again. I feel like a city girl, at heart, so I am going to give that a proper try first, before I settle for anything else.

I have been feeling a bit lonely since I have been back. Nice Guy has been in contact a lot, via text, phone and email, and it has been much appreciated. I realise I am getting quite attached. Leaving again in January, once I have gone back after this trip, I think will be very hard. T on the other hand hasn't been in touch at all. He never really was one for communication of any sort, though. I miss him, but it is perhaps a case of out of sight, out of mind. Since I have been away, and not seeing him standing there in front of me every day, I am missing him more in the abstract than the specific.
Not to have someone there to hug when I need it, I think that will be the hardest thing to get used to.

Seeing my lovely friend, Lawyer today, which should be fabulous, and we will be very camp together, and I am debating with myself whether I should go and stay at C's house tonight. Sharing a bed would be lovely, I must admit, but I don't know if I want to cut my time with Lawyer short. Me? Turning down sex for a platonic evening with a gay man? Well, possibly... Maybe I am getting old.

Quick Update

2006-11-25T10:52:00.000Z

Just a quicky today, as I am in W's house, and shortly to head off for a shopping and spa trip with L and Tigger and Miss Sunshine. Had a lovely time with Duchess, and yes the last couple of days have involved my favourite three things (that is, tea, bacon sandwiches and multiple orgasms). Oh the joys of being spoiled by lovely friends!

Feeling a lot more myself since I am away from the Goldfish Bowl. Still wondering what on earth I have done to my life, but a bit more hopeful about things.

Will catch up more soon.

Going Home

2006-11-22T09:12:00.000Z

I am sat at Duchess's desk, drinking tea and wrapped in a big fluffy shawl - my god, being here really makes me appreciate the joys of both a warm climate, and central heating, and I had been spoiled enough to have both back in the Goldfish Bowl.

Had a lovely sendoff from Nice Guy, involving yes indeed, my favourite trio of things. I could get quite spoiled, I am sure.
My beloved T dropped me off at the airport though, with only a cursory peck. I do wish things weren't so changed between us. We are still friends, but I think that is all, now.
I kick myself again for having messed up on so many things, and most of all having lied. It is the trust, most of all, that is irreparable. I can still see the hurt on his face when we hug. Perhaps sleeping with someone else didn't take anything away from him - in fact, I know it didn't, but lying to him, even by omission - that took away the most special thing between us, and I will always regret that. We still care about each other though, and are treating each other with respect, even if we are both tiptoeing round each other a little, unsure of the suddenly changed territory. I hope, with time, and a great deal of respect (yes, a lot more than I showed him before, damn my idiocy), that I can repair the trust between us someday.

I do realise though, through all this, I have perhaps been unconsciously subscribing to the monogamist view that there is a 'one' out there for me, that will, if not provide everything for me, 'allow' me to go and get my other needs met elsewhere, and that this is dangerous thinking. While it is not an excuse for the way I acted with T, I think it goes some way towards explaining the fear of losing him that made me act dishonestly.

But why should there be a 'one'? Why not a 'many'? Why not a group? And why should I have to ask anyone's permission to be myself? With such a varied collection of tastes as I have, it seems ridiculous to look for one, or even two people to fill all the niches. Perhaps it is possible, but statistically unlikely! And who is to say that what I have with my friends and 'fuck-buddies' isn't love, anyway?
Ultimately, I remind myself that I alone am responsible for my happiness, and relying on anyone else, even if it is the socially accepted norm, is just plain silly.

Perhaps it is arrogant to go against the mores of society, and believe I know better - I have had even lovers tell me so, but you know what? I have looked at the attitudes of people who are successful, in business, in life, in love, and the people who end up satisfied are the ones who refuse to compromise - no matter what it is that they are after. And the people around them, too - When a person is satisfied within themselves, their loved ones benefit as well.

I do not intend to hurt anyone. I am not a 'sexual predator', and in fact have always preferred to cause myself endless grief rather than hurt other people's feelings - maybe partly why I got into my current mess. I shall be open and upfront about who I am, and what I want out of things, but for now I am done with compromising myself for other people's values, however lovely those people may be.

I will stick to my year of being single, and then I will reassess. Maybe I will decide that there are reasons for bending. I can see that there might be issues with real-world limits - time, safety, and simplicity - juggling a large social calendar is always complicated, after all. But I will give my intended lifestyle a proper chance *before* I change my plans. Up until now, I have always gone into things the other way - played things the monogamous way first, and hoped I could get my way later. That is what I intend to avoid this time around. No more passive-agressive, no more pleading for rules to be relaxed, this time, the rules are mine.

It will no doubt be hard, especially if I am very open about my lifestyle and my views. I may lose friends (although I doubt I will lose any close ones, as they already know what I am like, and I am grateful already for the support they have given me over the last few weeks and months), I may alienate family, I may find issues within the workplace. I am sure there will be unforeseen difficulties as well, but over the next year, once I have left the Goldfish Bowl, for the whole of 2007 in fact, I will not compromise. I will be my own person, I will support myself, and I will not be limited by anyone else's values, even, ironically, if that means that I end up sleeping with nobody at all.

I can feel it even now - I am fighting the attitudes of society within my own head - that 'slutty' behaviour, especially for women, leads inevitably to bad things, to disease, to unwanted pregnancy, to emotional pain. Even, if you believe popular culture, to rape and murder (anyone who thinks a promiscuous woman is 'asking for it' deserves to be treated that way themselves, in my view, but that is for another day). And indeed, what if I am not even sleeping with multiple, but am just having romantic relationships with more than one person?
I still remember the look on T's face when I told him I was falling in love with someone else as well as him, and how very threatened he was - perhaps, looking back, that's the day I lost respect for him enough to lie. Oh wishing things had ended there and then, if that is true, wishing I had realised what was going on in my own head. A dangerous word, 'love'.

I am an idealist. I want my relationships with people to be based on the joy of being together, and not on the fear of being apart. Whether that is one day a year, the occasional cup of tea, or waking up together every morning. *That* is what I am fighting for.

Gosh, that was an unexpected rant! Right, I am off shopping now, and no doubt there will be further tea with the Duchess later, as she is having a bit of a dinner party. I am looking forward to socialising again as myself and not as the 'good girl' I was pretending to be in the Goldfish Bowl. I can't wait!

Update - Email!

2006-11-20T10:37:00.000Z

I have been meaning to set up email for a while, and finally got around to it - If you are a reader of this blog, and don't wish to comment publically, even in anonymous mode, or indeed, you want a direct reply to your comment, then please feel free to email me at

Sex, Tea and a Damn Good Chat

2006-11-20T09:48:00.000Z

In which there is excitement, nervousness, and many cups of tea.

This picture just about sums things up for me, really. Nothing I love doing more, than having a good debate over a cup of steaming hot tea, and then a roll in the hay afterwards. Or indeed the same in reverse order - Either way, perfect!

Stopped by Nice Guy's again this morning, asking an opinion on my latest project, and ended up staying for multiple cups of tea, and indeed orgasms. Lovely!

Have left the packing for my trip home until the last minute, as I always do, so that is my plan for the rest of the day.

I can't wait to see everybody, and catch up. It will be strange, too, that everyone is suddenly single all at once.
In the last couple of weeks, both the Busybee (formerly B) and the gorgeous Duchess (formerly known as N) have separated themselves from their respective partners, and wicked old A has been single for a little while now. Then there is L, my lesbian friend, and C who is my ex, and W* who I really must contact - last time I saw him I discovered he knew the owners of a fetish club that I would really like to visit, and I hadn't known for ages.
A whole candy store! Though I am a little nervous about seeing everyone again, wondering whether things will have changed hugely since I last saw them. Plus things have got so complicated out here, I seem to have internalised a little of the prejudice against multiple partners while I have been in the goldfish bowl, and I have a slight feeling of 'things will go wrong, somehow'. Hopefully the next fortnight will lay that to rest again, and all will be the happy sharing of pleasure between friends again, and of course, many cups of tea, rather than messy 'relationship' (i.e. monogamist) stuff.

And of course, there are all my platonic friends, Miss Sunshine, and Tigger, and Lawyer, and my gay fiancée, and all the people from the coffee shop, where I used to hang out, and S, who is in a monogamous relationship, but I will still have tea with him, and I am sure there are a couple of people I have forgotten as well.

So much to pack into two weeks! Hopefully I will manage to get online at some point, but in case I don't, I will update when I get back.

xx

(*Note to self: must rename my playmates - initials get too confusing when some of them begin with the same letter!)

Wish I could get used to this...

2006-11-19T20:36:00.000Z

In which there is much pleasantness, for a change.

Nice Guy often tries to pretend he isn't really nice - and occasionally even succeeds. So when I saw this gorgeous drawing, I was rather reminded of him (especially since that's the face he pulls sometimes when I call him a Nice Guy, tee hee).

Do check out the link, it's well worth reading the little description that goes with the picture, and of course the larger version!

Anyway, I ended up staying over at NG's house again last night. T was playing on the computer, as usual, and I wanted to go out, so I went with NG to the pub, and as is frequent habit followed him back home afterwards, and got the surliest invitation to stay the night ever - I swear my eyebrows nearly popped off my forehead they raised so high, but I grinned at the forthrightness of it, and hopped into bed. Never was one to pass up a good hug.

Fast forward to now, it is some 12 hours since I left his place, and I swear I am still glowing a little. I think every day should start with multiple orgasms, tea and bacon sandwiches. Call me shallow, but if I could have that *every* morning, I might actually start to consider monogamy (and admittedly, probably discount it, since I'd miss whichever gender I wasn't seeing, but hey, it's still a statement!).
Still, bacon sandwiches or not, I have promised myself I will be single for at least the next year after I am out of here, and I will be leaving in not that many weeks. Guess I will be making my own breakfasts for a while!

Haven't seen much of T today, I got home at lunchtime and he rushed out, and then I have been working on an urgent project non-stop since, with just this brief break to catch up online. I feel somewhat guilty about it, but then I remember we aren't 'together' any more, and I don't quite know what to feel - it will be strange being more like house mates 'til January, when we had been a couple for so long, and we are both still working out how we feel about each other, I think.
At least he seems to be ok with my spending more time with NG. Life would be pretty lonely at the moment, otherwise, I think. Maybe it's paranoia, but I am feeling quite excluded from everyone else's social life in the goldfish bowl - I am starting to wonder if people are avoiding me because of Indiscreet Guy, and my new reputation as an I-don't-know-what.

Thanks heavens for Tuesday - I am heading back home for a couple of weeks, and get to see people that know me, and love, or at least accept me for who I am. I can't wait.

Stay of Execution

2006-11-18T08:56:00.000Z

In which I am reprieved.

Miracles can be encouraged, it seems. Nice Guy spoke to T, last night, and defused the situation somewhat, for which I am most grateful, then we had a lovely evening out as a big group, as well, and afterwards I shared a bed with T for the first time in a while. I talked to him again in the morning, with hugs and kisses, and promised that I would be on my best behaviour if I can stay until January to give me the time to tie up all my loose ends.

So I will be away visiting for a fortnight from Tuesday, then I am back in the goldfish bowl until January 23rd. Fingers crossed, I think I can cope until then - I have plans to learn a couple of new hobbies to keep me occupied, and lots of freelance work in the run-up to Christmas so I can save the pennies ready for my new life.

Damn Damn Damn Damn Damn

2006-11-17T06:26:00.000Z

In which my world crumbles, AGAIN, and I try to be positive.

Me and my big mouth. Slightly more shit has hit fans thanks to the goldfish bowl effect, and Nice Guy told me about some further implications of what has gone on with Indiscreet Idiot - that gossip might have complicated things in T's work, which is very not good. (Technically not my fault if it has, but that is not really helping anything)
Then I bump into T on the landing, so I can't just leave it alone and let NG tell him for me, like the plan was, I have to blurt. NG would no doubt have handled it better, but it is a little late now, and T has just had enough. As things stand, I'm kicked out again as of next week, and for good, unless by some miracle T changes his mind.

I go home on Tuesday, and I guess that is where I will stay. Four days to pack my entire life up, including today, and I haven't even slept yet. Maybe it's for the best, but it is still a shock to be unsettled again so soon, when I thought I had until new year.
I think some part of me was still thinking if I could just manage to stay long enough, maybe I could fix the mess I had made, and find some way to stay on a more permanent basis. Despite knowing that staying here is not healthy for me, despite not being able to agree on a compromise with T, and despite the damage I had done to his trust even while I was attempting to turn over a new leaf in terms of honesty.
Stupid, stupid me. A high IQ does not make anyone wise. There comes a time when things are just plain broken, and trying over and over just hurts everybody.

I am in mourning for my dead relationship, and the fact that it was probably my stupid and thoughtless actions that killed it makes it only the worse. I can only wish I'd been honest sooner - we might have ended sooner as well, but I can only think that it would have hurt everyone concerned a whole lot less.

On the positive side - I guess I just get to start my bright new life a month or two early. A new job, a new home, and a new single lifestyle - the first time I have been really single in my adult life, for more than a couple of weeks. I am looking forward to staying out late and not having to worry about people back home, to knowing that I am spending my own money, and not cutting into joint funds, to not having rules except those I choose for myself. To friendships, and to casual dating, and to being as brazen as I like about being bisexual, and an 'ethical slut', without worrying about what will affect my partner and his straight laced work life.

Ok, I admit it, I am terrified. But I hope that all those things will come, anyway. I have done plenty of things in the past that I was terrified of, I just double-check that it's an irrational fear and power on through the pain. Plenty of people have made new starts, and lived well to tell the tale. I am young, capable (usually) and strong. I will just have to do the same.

A Moment of Calm

2006-11-13T15:17:00.000Z

In which there are orgasms, tea, cookies, and patience.

This weekend was lovely. Friday was a good night out with T, as was the fancy dress night on Saturday. Nice Guy has been ill, else he would have been out with us too, but I popped round to show him my costume later on.

Sunday was a deliciously lazy day at home, reminded me of why I was with T in the first place. We pottered round the house until mid afternoon, there was bacon sandwiches and tea, and then we sat down to watch a film together in the evening, curled on the sofa, stopping half way through for a bout of spontaneous baking - the word 'cookies' came up in the film, and I simply couldn't help myself. T humoured me and joined in with excellent grace, and cookies were made shortly thereafter.
Later on I took some of the aforementioned cookies around to NG's house - wasn't planning anything other than a quick cup of tea and baked goods delivery, but somehow ended up staying until well after midnight, and 'distracting him' from feeling ill. Apparently playing with me made him forget all about his aches and pains for the duration - must remember that one for the future!

As for the rest, my patience is still holding out. With much application of tea, I might actually make it until I get back home and see A and everyone else without doing anything silly. I am counting down the days though (eight left).
I am very much looking forward to getting out of the goldfish bowl for a bit and seeing my friends. A is conveniently single for the first time since I have known him. If he has his way, public indecency charges may ensue.

T commented to me, driving back from the party on Saturday night, that he was surprised, having told me I could do whatever I wanted as long as it was not in his house, that I was not off having sex with everything that moved. I think I am a little bit insulted by that, and shocked that he doesn't know me better after all this time, even if I have been 'unpredictable' lately - I am actually rather picky about the people I sleep with, barring the odd one or two when I am lacking other options.
Everything that moves is not my style - everything that moves and can hold its own in a discussion about say, quantum physics, etymology, complex morality or the pros and cons of different Linux distributions, to name some possible topics, that is more my thing (- even Indiscreet Guy conversed very well on the subject of rock climbing, and a few other things - just a shame he couldn't stop talking, afterwards). I talk first, play later.

The thing that frustrated me most about the rules was always that I was limited in what I could do with the people I was involved with, not that I was limited as to who. Now the imposed limits are lifted, I am not going to go messing around with people that I wouldn't normally just for the sake of it, but if any of my friends back home are up for it, then yes, I will be right there, and happily.

I do make things hard for myself.

2006-11-10T07:00:00.000Z

In which another mistake comes back to bite me.

I must work on my patience, clearly. This includes not pushing people into things simply because I don't want to wait, not sulking when I don't get my way, and taking more time to check people out before I get involved in anything.

The other week, I was having a bit of a night out at the pub, I was still with T, but things were rocky, and I was feeling frustrated and tipsy, so when the power went off I went back down and had a bit of a flirt with a guy I had been talking to the previous week. Wasn't planning on anything of the sort, but my judgement had clearly switched off, and one thing managed to lead to another. Didn't break any rules, but I certainly did more than I planned. Morning arrived, thought 'hmm, that was a bad idea', and moved on.

Unfortunately it turns out the guy was a bit of a bastard, and Nice Guy overheard him actually boasting about his experiences in a public place. Yuck. Even if we were not in a goldfish bowl environment that would be bloody rude.

So I have had to talk to T about it, just to warn in case he finds people whispering, which is not a nice thing to have to do, but was better that he heard it from me first rather than someone else. I must admit, I hadn't told him in the first place that it happened, which might have been a better plan, but really with everything else that was going on, it was just such a tiny thing in a pile of bigger ones, that it got dropped to the bottom of the pile.

And I have had to face NG looking disappointed at me, as well. He was under the impression that it was just him and T, at least at the moment, so finding out otherwise by overhearing this guy was a bit of a shock to the system, I think. It really hadn't occurred to me that he'd want to know. The fact that the guy turned out to be a complete tosspot as well - doesn't say much for my recent judgement, sadly. He had said to me I ought to get another playmate, anyway, to avoid 'wearing him out', so I was in process of looking.

I am learning late that not everyone in the world is as they seem, and not everyone is intelligent or nice. I must also learn to make sure people are trustworthy before I go off with them. Or learn to give a false name (oops, hehe, I just cannot do a whole self-deprecating post without being tongue in cheek somewhere).

Must do better.

So as things stand, I am definitely single, but keeping it fairly low key not to make things more complicated. T and I are not sleeping together. NG is taking things slow, or at least slower than I would be, and I can understand that. He doesn't want to complicate things either, even if T does say I can do whatever I want as long as it's not in his house. I don't mind too much. First and foremost, he is a friend, and a very good man to know, and anything else is really a bonus.
Plus I have a suspicion that he's worth waiting for, even if it is many months down the line.

I will likely be staying here til Christmas, apart from the fortnight's holiday back home (less than two weeks away now), and I don't see much changing between now and then.

A good time to start working on my patience then. And maybe to get a new vibrator.

It never rains...

2006-11-07T11:23:00.000Z

After Sunday I was planning on laying low until I left here, whenever that turns out to be. However I got some news last night that might have messed things up for me even more, and it's going to be hard work fixing this.
More details once I have spoken to T.

Good Advice

2006-11-06T13:36:00.000Z

Wish I had read more of my links. It is too late to help now, but some of the series listed at the top of this page would have been so useful to me back before I messed up. Especially "Jealousy Management for Love and Profit
or, how to fix a broken refrigerator" - It is a better explanation of my take on jealousy and relationship rules than I could have written myself. I have emailed the link to T, hoping he will take it as an attempt to step towards understanding mine, rather than an attack on his principles.

I have been asking myself over and over again why I couldn't get things sorted at the time, why I couldn't stick to rules, and why I kept it secret so long.
I am not trying to make excuses for myself so much as trying to understand where I went wrong so that I can not do it again.

Why didn't I get things sorted at the time? Here is one of my worst faults, impetuosity. I couldn't wait. I was so sure that the problem would be solved at a later date that I simply jumped the gun.
How arrogant of me to assume that what made sense to me would make sense to him. I would just have to explain it properly when I had time. I have since tried to explain it 'properly', but my speech, my plea, my logic, made no sense to him, and perhaps never will. I kick myself.

Why I couldn't stick to rules? Well, even T said he could understand that. Hormones revved, organs said hello and brain switched off. I am not good on willpower. As my beloved knows, we can't even keep junk food in the house without it mysteriously disappearing -even if it is a kind of junk food I don't like that much.

But why did I not 'fess up straight away? I broke the rules, I should have instantly known there was discussion needed, I should have done the work. I guess some part of me was scared of exactly this eventuality - Now T knows that I broke the Rule, and we are breaking up. I am well aware that my concealment of the fact only added to the betrayal of trust, but if I had told him at the time, would we still have been together?
Plus, like the addict who refuses to admit to the problem, I refused to admit that this was a need of mine, and I swore to myself that it would never happen again. The fact that I was under a constant weight of guilt did in fact help my willpower, but it was only a matter of time.

So why now? After all this time, why has it only just come out that I broke the rule way back when?
I have done a lot of thinking over the past year or so, since we further opened our relationship, and polyamory became a more major part of my life, rather than something I simply daydreamed about. I have had to examine and re-examine my moral codes frequently. I have come into contact with more people, and *their* morals, as well, and it is actually my concern for my other lovers that prompted the big debate.

As I mentioned in a previous entry, I was tempted to break the rules. But doing so would involve not just trampling on T's feelings, but also compromising my own morals again *and* those of the person I broke the rules with. And the person I really wanted to go there with was NG - particularly because he has a passion for a certain kind of sex that matches mine where T doesn't always. However, I like and respect NG, and he is a man of decency and honour, and more importantly knew what the rules were when he got involved, so unless the rules changed, it was not going to happen. And still won't, most likely, until it is 100% cut and dried that T and I are apart, which may not be until after I have left here. (Sometimes the trouble with Nice Guys is that they will not embark on something that might turn out to be a bad idea)

So I belatedly tried to do the right thing, which was get agreement from T - and was far too pushy, of course, because my libido was involved more than my brain, and here I am now suffering for it.

I have messed up, and messed up, and messed up. Three things I have learned from my introspection today are:

*Honesty needs to come first, not after the fact.
*Penetrative sex is a need, not something I can go without.
*I still love T, and despite feeling that I have lost something very special, I can't quite give up hope that someday, with a lot of nurturing, we might be healed again.

There is a song trilling through my inner ear at the moment- I learned it when I was in school -it seems sadly ironic at the moment though.

The Magic Penny

Love is something if you give it away,
Give it away, give it away.
Love is something if you give it away,
You end up having more.

It's just like a magic penny,
Hold it tight and you won't have any.
Lend it, spend it, and you'll have so many
They'll roll all over the floor.

For love is something if you give it away,
Give it away, give it away.
Love is something if you give it away,
You end up having more.

Money's dandy and we like to use it,
But love is better if you don't refuse it.
It's a treasure and you'll never lose it
Unless you lock up your door.

For love is something if you give it away,
Give it away, give it away.
Love is something if you give it away,
You end up having more.

So let's go dancing till the break of day,
And if there's a piper, we can pay.
For love is something if you give it away,
You end up having more.

For love is something if you give it away,
Give it away, give it away.
Love is something if you give it away,
You end up having more.

I hope against hope that someday those lyrics will ring true for me. Right now, I am wondering if I will be getting a crash course in celibacy over the next couple of weeks.

Crumpled T-shirts and Crumbling Sanity

2006-11-06T11:48:00.000Z

Finding his t-shirt tangled up with the clothes on my shelf made me crumple into a heap on the bed. It is hard getting it through my own head that this is really happening. Or is it happening again? I am so confused lately.

The last couple of days have been draining, and I am very tired. After the final split yesterday, I hung around in case my no longer life-partner wanted to talk, but he wanted to watch DVDs instead, so I went out - not many places to go around here, so it ended up being Nice Guy's house. He had to go out, but left me the run of his house as a sanctuary, along with tea and a very comforting bacon sandwich, much appreciated. Sometimes having my own room is not enough, and this is such a backwater place that in the middle of a Sunday afternoon I would probably have to drive for an hour or so to find a coffee shop open.
I am looking forward to getting back into civilisation, and with any luck, not having to drive all the time again. I never thought I would say it, but I really miss public transport.

I still feel like an idiot, but pressing myself to move on and learn. It is hard though. I should start packing soon, but the tiniest thing sets me off.
I guess up to now I was still somehow hoping it would all work out. Well, it will, but it will work out in terms of he and I not being together.

We went out for drinks last night, T, myself, NG and a couple of other guys, and it was actually fun. We are all still friends (well, NG hasn't done anything wrong, but I think it is still rather good of T to not be throwing spite wherever it could possibly go) and I think on evidence, everything will be amicable and hopefully go smoothly enough. In some ways that makes it all so much harder - if we hated each other, the leaving might hurt less.

I have been avoiding sex since Sunday. I am not sure why, as it is not as though I have anything to lose, but I have been as platonic as can be with NG, and kept well away from breakup sex with T so far as well. It feels like a kind of penance. There has been a lot of tea instead.

I am so very very tired.

Off-Topic - PostSecret

2006-11-05T23:35:00.000Z

I sent an e-card into PostSecret - I am proud of the design work that went into it, but I can't display it anywhere else without giving away my identity. Whereas this blog, for reasons of society being the way it is, is anonymous.

If you are not already aware of the massive community art project, do go and check out the link. It is a link to humanity, in an otherwise quite inhuman world, and often very touching.

Maybe one day I will send in the real secret as well.

Just What I Deserved

2006-11-05T08:40:00.000Z

What can I say?

I compromised myself, and I broke an agreement I had with my beloved, and then I compounded things by not being honest about it at the time. Now I am reaping the consequences.

It was a fair while ago, before I started blogging about polyamory, but it came up this morning because I was once again arguing with my love, about the ice cream analogy and not being able to do what I wanted with other people making things *less* rather than more special between us in my view. He asked me if it was such a difficult thing to ask of me, how had I coped with sticking to what we agreed before we moved? I couldn't lie to him outright, even if I had by omission before. The answer: I didn't.

If I was like 99% of the population, I guess I could have kept on being dishonest about it, had my fun on the side while my loved one carried on in blissful ignorance, and maybe we could have had a long and otherwise happy relationship. But I hate the idea of being dishonest with people I care about, and I hate the idea of living with the constant nagging little fear of being caught out - that is just not on. I try to be different. I try to be better. I try to always keep my promises, despite temptation otherwise. Sometimes I fail.

I still believe in honesty, and I still believe polyamory is right for me. I guess it is my love that isn't, and I should probably have accepted that a long time ago, but I didn't want to let go. As he said to me a few minutes ago, he can understand why I did it, but he will never trust me again. It hurts a lot, but I can't argue with him on that.

I still love him, he loves me still, I think, but he's right. We aren't a couple any more. We will stay in touch, and hopefully stay friends, but I guess I will be moving again, and looking for work very shortly.

Lessons will be learned from this.

As Alice would say (In Wonderland, that is):

I give myself very good advice,
But I very seldom follow it,
That explains the trouble that I'm always in,
Be patient, is very good advice,
But the waiting makes me curious,
And I'd love the change,
Should something strange begin,
Well I went along my merry way,
And I never stopped to reason,
I should have know there'd be a price to pay,
Someday...someday,
I give myself very good advice,
But I very seldom follow it,
Will I ever learn to do the things I should?
Will I ever learn to do the things I should?

[edit]

Oops, but Mmm, and 11 Things

2006-11-03T13:00:00.000Z

Missed my only commitment of the morning because I was in Nice Guy's kitchen, too busy enjoying myself to go elsewhere - revenge, I think for my making him late for work yesterday.

Still, I cannot fault a man who provides bacon sandwiches, multiple cups of tea, and other things of a multiple nature, all before 11am.

I have been reading all over the web it seems like, this meme called '11 Things', and I don't dare post it anywhere else, but for catharsis, my anonymous blog seems like a good place!

The rules:

* List 11 things you want to say to 11 different people.

* Don't say who they pertain to.

* Feel free to comment, but don't confirm or answer anything.

* Never discuss it again.

(they are in mostly randomised order)

1. I often wonder if I should have slept with you after all, instead of turning you down because I thought you'd regret it, and whether it would have changed anything. I wish I saw more of you. I also wish you would stop pulling those damned ugly faces all the time, because otherwise you're actually quite sexy!

2. I am trying very hard to not care about two of you, because I think you might be secretly trying to destroy your own lives. I hope you both prove me wrong.

3. I sometimes wonder if I am more attracted to the idea of you than to the real person.

4. It was a relief when you found someone else. Now I don't feel responsible for you any more.

5. I sometimes think I left to get away from you. I wonder if someday I will stop caring about you, and then you will chase me, instead of vice versa. I worry almost every day that your existence makes me a hypocrite.

6. I wish I had met you ten years later.

7. I wish I had met you ten years earlier.

8. I can't remember if I slept with you or not, and I daren't actually ask.

9. I am sorry I lied about whether I had sex with you, but I hope you at least appreciated my cover story telling everyone you were well-endowed.

10. I haven't felt anywhere near so attracted to you since I found out you were more talk than action.

11. I know it is impossible, but I still fantasize about being the father of your baby. I still don't hate him though, for taking you away, I just want to kiss him for making you happy. I can't help but keep hoping that some day we will be friends.

(12. I lied to you, and I'm only sorry that I'm not actually sorry. It's not as if you'll ever know. I am not sure whether I have learned my lesson or not.)

Oops, ran over by one - it's surprisingly hard to stop once you really get going!

I notice, reading through after myself, that they are almost all sex-related. I guess I really do have a one-track mind, but that is what this blog is about! Still, my lovers and friends are like family to me, and I am grateful for every one.

Embarrassment

2006-11-03T07:05:00.000Z

I am somewhat embarrassed about how I reacted on Sunday. I should be adult enough occasionally to not get my way and not have it blow up into an enormous row, and the fact that I rowed with my beloved about it still bothers me. I will try to learn from this.
I still believe that his reasoning is non-existent, but I will work on it in a sane and understanding manner, and carry on aiming for full and informed consent from all quarters. I am not going to stoop to emotional blackmail just because he is doing so without meaning to.
I am an adult, and I am a sane and rational person, and I *will* behave as such, whether other people around me are or not.

Sometimes it would just be so much easier to lie and cheat.

I am a Yo-yo

2006-10-31T09:33:00.000Z

I hate to admit I could be hormonal, as I usually pride myself on my rationality, and I equally hate people that use hormones as an excuse for behaving badly, but I do have to wonder if I am less sane than usual since I changed my brand of contraception.

A friend said to me that it sounded like my mind was made up to leave already. It makes me realise that I have almost been looking for excuses to go, rather than reasons to stay (of which there are still many, but every time anything upsets me I seem to forget all about them).

Everything seems poignant at the moment. After the row with my love on Sunday night, which I am sure was more my fault than his if I am honest about it, he went out and bought sirloin steak, and champagne and strawberries for a romantic meal in to apologise for not having been available on demand the night before.
I feel guilty over that now, because with any other guy expecting instant performance would be totally unreasonable, but I went into a kind of shock because he has never let me down before.

It is a hard place to be in, ethically. I feel that it is a silly, arbitrary rule that my love will accept me playing in some ways with other people and not others (- and we are only talking safe sex, here. It is only sane to expect that I not endanger our mutual health, but that is not the issue here).
I understand that most of society would be on his side, and that he is bending far more than normal in allowing me to have *any* kind of sex play with other people, but that still doesn't make it a rational position - after all, most of society believed that the earth was flat until not all that long ago.
I remind myself that I agreed to it before, because I felt being a free agent was not so important to me as being with him, and it is not fair for me to keep on trying to move the goalposts. I usually feel the same way, but it has been more and more tempting to break the rule, partly just because it *is* a rule, and a large part of me hates having any kind of imposed limitations.
My love has made a lot more changes for me recently, and stretched his own boundaries of what he will accept, yet I keep tripping against this one and struggling to keep on the right side of it, and it gets harder and harder. Hardest of all, I find I love him a little less each time I catch him acting on ingrained prejudice or instinct instead of logic.

The problem I have is the emotional blackmail behind it, exactly that same type of blackmail at the root of my problems with monogamy - To enjoy one particular person, one has to forsake all others. I tend to use ice-cream to demonstrate the non-logic of this - It is like being offered a lifetime supply of your favourite ice-cream, but only if you give up all other flavours of ice cream, including the ones you know about now, and any others you may encounter in the future.
Now here is the point - that yes, perhaps you might like one flavour of ice-cream enough to ignore all of the rest of them, but why should it be necessary?

I'm still working on this one.

The meal was lovely, and slightly silly - we got dressed up and cooked in our evening dress, and then sat on the sofa to eat because the dining table was too piled with junk to bother clearing. It appealed to our joint sense of humour, and was all the more touching for it.
Afterwards we got talking about how to divide our finances again.
I think whether I am leaving or not, I need to separate my money from his - it was fine when we were both earning to have the joint account, but since things are so on the edge I realise how trapped I feel not having easy access to my own money, and I need to take a step back in order to feel like my own person again.

Visiting home in less than a month's time, anyway, and I can see how it feels being back. Maybe it will help to make my decision easier. At the very least I am looking forward to seeing A and N and hopefully a few more of my nearest and dearest, and catching up on missed time.

Spiraling Again

2006-10-30T00:20:00.000Z

Damn, just when I think I have made up my mind that I am staying and I can cope with everything, another incident and I am uncertain again.

A fantastic time with Nice Guy this morning, and with my love this afternoon, then this evening it all goes and crumbles because NG decides to play tease - not a nice thing to do, but nobody said it wasn't within the rules - damn pedant. He gets me well turned on and then says 'right, that's it, I'm not playing any more - I'm declaring a ration of one lot of sex per day' - would have been nice to have mentioned that sooner methinks.

So I am annoyed with NG, because now it is late, I am frustrated, and I know damn well that my love is not going to want to play with me, but I just have to try, (partly because NG says to me that most men would love to have it offered on a plate like that - but hey, this is a single guy talking who is definitely not living with a woman of unusually high sex drive, I really should not have listened to this) so this turns into a full-blown row with my beloved, and now I am both frustrated and unsure whether I am still wanting to stay here again.

The whole penetrative sex thing rears its head again, as well, as I suspect NG sent me home partly to avoid the temptation of breaking that rule, and by the time I got home to my love nothing else would satisfy me, and he was neither willing nor able to provide at such a late time of night. Nothing I can say convinces my love that it is not the one single part of his body that makes him special to me, especially since I am forced into begging him to use precisely that because I am not allowed to do the same with anyone else - and if I am honest, there are days when only proper animal style sex will do.
I feel ridiculous being such a slave to my desires (which only makes me the more angry), and awful about demanding things from him when he so clearly doesn't want to, and even more dreadful that I am thinking about leaving over this, when it feels so small and silly after all we have gone through, but what else do I have?

When I really get down to basics, I don't believe there is a point to life other than enjoying oneself, and I would be enjoying myself more at the moment if I was single.

Relationships are so Fragile

2006-10-28T00:04:00.000+01:00

Sometimes when things are going well, it is easy to forget how little it takes to really hurt things.

This afternoon was all smiles and laughter, and then T managed to thoughtlessly close a door on me, giving me a nasty bruise on my hip. That would have been fine if he had apologised, but he decided to blame me instead for having been in the doorway (where I was supposed to be, I must add, as we were leaving a building together) - a nasty move that my father always used when I was a child, and always guaranteed to rub me up the wrong way. So I was angry and upset, and he was annoyed by what he no doubt saw as a massive overreaction, and things escalated from there.

Thankfully, rather than use the violence I was considering to demonstrate exactly how much a door handle moving at pace can hurt, I removed myself from the area and went to talk to NG again who, coming from an outside point of view, was a welcome ray of sanity.
To be honest, I was rather enjoying over reacting. I have always felt that my logic circuits got in the way of some really good melodrama, but NG was rather soothing, and confirmed my suspicion that, yes, I really ought to be a big girl, get over it and go home and forgive T for being thoughtless and lacking in social skills like the geek he is. So I did go back, and then we went out to dinner, and all was cheerful again, and we had a fantastic evening.

I do wonder though, just *how* thoughtless, and how insolent one can allow a loved one to be, and not be a doormat. I have a strong suspicion as well, that is it had been anyone other than myself that T had slammed the door into accidentally, that he would have been precisely as apologetic and solicitous as I thought he should have been towards me, but that because I am familiar territory he feels less obliged to care.
I find this rather upsetting, as I feel things should rather be the opposite way around. And I have been feeling somewhat unappreciated lately - I am afraid I am still unavoidably begrudging the fact that neither a birthday present, nor an anniversary celebration has ever materialised this year, both of which were some months ago - it rather suggests that our relationship is lower on his priority list that, say, updating his new PC, watching sci-fi series on DVD, or getting the washing up done , which makes it all the harder to take, even though it was such a tiny thing.

I know full well I can be thoughtless too, and lord knows, I am not the easiest person to live with, but I spend my time trying to learn from my mistakes (and others') and when I stumble over a problem I make plans to grow from it - but I don't get any such intentions from T. It makes me a little bit uncomfortable about the future again.

I have made some enormous changes to my life for him, because T is, and expects to be, the most important part of my life, and I think it is only fair to expect in return to be at least somewhere in his top priorities - If I am not, then what on earth am I putting myself out for?

Fingers Crossed...

2006-10-26T01:51:00.000+01:00

Things are still going well. I have never been one to trust to luck. I worry that T is somewhat quiet, though I know he always is. I let him in on a little secret of mine the other night, and have still not had an opinion on that, so praying it will not be another bombshell.

And by Everything, I love Nice Guys. That is not to say I am In Love - except with T (and if he is not fooling me about this change, more so than ever), but my world has been somewhat rocked, and that is all I have to say for now.

Bouncing Back

2006-10-23T22:52:00.000+01:00

I have just had the best night out since I got to this middle-of-nowhere place. Got a couple of friends from back home who have out to visit, and since they had been asking if they would get to meet NG while they were out here, I decided on the spur of the moment to invite a bunch of friends out for dinner for the evening. The girls were on top form, and we had a fantastically giggly dinner, with R cheerfully putting her foot in every conversational hole available with a grace that only she has, and the rest of us looking on in awe and laughter, and encouraging a few more, and T was witty as ever, just to remind me why I love him. NG said he had not had so much fun sober in years, and Miss Sunshine says she can see why I like him, which is lovely - it is always nice when one's friends like each other.
We came back and had drinks at our house, and I sat back and listened happily to NG and T talk enthusiastic geek for about an hour - bliss!

T seems so very happy and confident as compared to just over a week ago, I am still finding it hard to trust the change. I am scared of being back where I was before, and even closer to Christmas without a job or a home to go to. At least now my friendship with NG here is a bit more out in the open, I think I could stay there as a stop-gap without quite so much gossip stirring, which is better, but it is not a permanent option, by any means.

Nothing much more to say tonight - I am happy, and desperately hoping that things stay as they are. Though I know I need to talk to T about finances - after all, things are not 100% sorted out, and the big almost break-up last week led me to realise that there are things we need to work out again for my own peace of mind.
I am optimistic, however, and hoping that things will work out for the good. I am starting to love it here, despite the goldfish bowl, I have new friends, I have career potential, I have new hobbies. I guess I just needed contact with my old friends to feel like myself again.

Planning a trip back to see the rest of them in a month's time, hopefully people here to visit at Christmas, and then I will go back for a longer tour in the summer if I can, to where I really can be myself. It is a compromise, but it means I get to be with T, and that is worth some compromise, I think.

Tantrum over (for now)

2006-10-21T10:35:00.000+01:00

It is a beautiful morning, I have already spent some lovely time with T, and I am having some 'me time'. The sun is shining and I have just been peeked at by a tiny bird that alighted on my window sill and peered over the frame at me as if to see what I am doing, and there are other little avian critters audible chirping in the background. The world seems a bit nicer than it did yesterday.

Yesterday I felt dreadful most of the day through lack of sleep. I was up until some ridiculous time in the morning waiting for T to come home on Thursday, so that I could leap on him and finally get what I needed, and I had to get up early to run an errand in the morning, so I managed to get in about 3.5 hours sleep - not quite enough, really!

I don't take back anything I said the other night, I still wonder about things. I am well aware that life is often about compromises, but I have a suspicion that the people who are happiest, or most successful in life are the ones who refuse to accept that things can't be changed.

Having been sat at home, getting more and more frustrated and angry on the Thursday night, and incapable of focusing on anything else, I practically raped T when he got home, and it was technically good sex, but it wasn't the kind of sex I like to have with him - which is relaxed, loving, connected and with *him* rather than with one specific part of his anatomy.

By 3am on Thursday night, most of me simply did not care who I was in bed with as long as it was male. I realised when I was mulling things over, trying to find a new way to discuss this with T, that I felt guilty over this because I was simply using him, and it seemed somewhat unfair. I would much prefer to get my animal urges seen to elsewhere, then come home and be loving and attentive and giving, rather than ignoring his needs totally and demanding attention straight away because I have no other option.
The thing that make my relationship with T special is not his genitalia. I have said this to T, anyway. No results as yet, but he did nod and say he would have a think about that.

I am sure it is hard for a man, having so many centuries of chauvinist society behind them, and probably the caveman genes to boot, to let go of these things - I realised yesterday that T, whilst allowing me to see other men, in making this request of me he has effectively castrated every other man I might see. The men are the same as the women. Usually, if I am honest, this is a good thing for me - I adore oral sex, especially receiving (well, who doesn't?) and the non-penetrative thing shifts the focus very much in that direction. However I love both men and women, and while women are perfectly suited to that kind of thing, really, most men are better at others - i.e. what they were designed for - and I would dearly love to be able to see them in their best light.

Being ethical is hard.

I guess I am an optimist. I believe that it is possible to have a life that suits me just right, and that someday I will.

I am working on it. I believe it is worth working on. I will try to have patience, and faith. Maybe someday it will all come right, and for now, it is not too often that I feel like I did on Thursday night. There is time.

To quote Sheryl Crow:

No one said it would be easy
But no one said it'd be this hard
No one said it would be easy
No one thought we'd come this far

Grrrr! (Late night rant)

2006-10-20T00:20:00.000+01:00

It is the middle of the night, I am tired, hyper, and impossibly horny. T is out lord knows where with a bunch of workmates, NG is at home, presumably in bed - I just left his house a short while ago, seemed like a good idea going over at the time, but has really left me just as frustrated as when I went - hell, in my current state anything that could even marginally afford an orgasm might seem like a good idea, this feels almost terminal, but NG managed to make sure I was in almost precisely the same frustrated state after his involvement as I was before - hey, I never said being a Nice Guy precluded being mean as hell - as long as you get to feel morally correct while you're doing it!

What am I doing here, really? I love T dearly, but I am the bane of his life and I know it. NG is lovely, and very tempting to get more involved with than I ought to, but I do keep on wishing he was B, whilst B is spending time getting to know his new girlfriend back home. I'm sure I am well out of that situation, but I can't help feeling wistful. I left what little I had back there for even less out here. I realise all of my stability depends on T, and I can't cope with that, whereas at least before we moved out here I had a steady job, even if it was just a part time one, and friends all over the place I could visit if I needed to. Out here in the middle of nowhere it is just me and T and the goldfish bowl.
I can't even assume NG isn't a part of the gossip circle, really, either. I found out yesterday that he had passed on something I thought was in confidence to another acquaintance of ours, (I made fairly light of it at the time, after all, it can't be taken back once it is out, though I did express some discomfort anyway) so I don't feel as easy in front of him as I did. Probably for the best really, but it is hard for me to be physically open with people and not mentally, and vice versa.

I am going round and round in circles in my head. I love living here in some ways, I have made friends that I would not have otherwise, my freelance work is going fabulously, and I still have opportunities here that I could not possibly get anywhere else, both career-wise and socially, but I am still uncomfortable about the fact that there are rules that I am being tempted more and more to break. Works great in the light of day, when I am grounded and sensible, or just not tired and frustrated and lonely, perhaps most of the time - but there are days, when, if I am honest, all I want is a damn good fuck, and it is so so hard when T is nowhere in sight, and there is a perfectly lovely guy just down the road, with his potential reduced by what is, when you get down to it, a pretty arbitrary rule.

Despite everything I have been through in the past week, despite the relief when I found out that I didn't have to go straight away, despite my attachment to T, singledom is calling me again. I am well aware that every freedom comes with its own responsibility, but I still find myself longing for that one bit of freedom that I don't have. Sleeping with guys and being limited to non-penetrative sex feels like going to a steakhouse and ordering vegetarian - it is just perverse.

I know, I know, it is apparently asking a lot for a guy to 'let' his partner not only see other people, but do anything she likes with them (bearing in mind we are still talking about *safe* sex, here, I'm not one for unnecessarily risky behaviour), but hell, makes as much sense to stop me at that point as it would to let me say, play tennis with a guy, but never to serve the ball. There is a whole area of fun that I am being barred from, and as a hedonistic sort of person, when I am being denied pleasure for reasons of someone else's insecurities, that makes me itch to either fix those or move on.

Oh what can I do though... T wants to be the most important person in my life, and he almost is, but when I really dig deep, I can only say that the most important person in my life is me, and has to be, and what I want right now, is not what I am getting.

Nice Guys

2006-10-19T00:57:00.000+01:00

Ohhh god, Nice Guys... Let me tell you about Nice Guys (and please note the capital letters). Nice Guys are smart. They may not always be top of the I.Q. ladder, although the ones I have met haven't exactly been slouches, they might tend to do themselves down. A Nice Guy might not push himself forward - you will almost always have to do the chasing, but believe you me, they are worth it.
Nice Guys are sensitive, they pay attention to what other people are feeling, and it matters to them. They are good listeners, and usually good talkers too. Nice Guys constantly try to better themselves. And by all that is true, Nice Guys are SEXY.
For those of you that have not slept with a Nice Guy, let me spell it out to you.
Have you ever imagined a guy that puts your needs first, who knows (or puts the effort into learning) exactly what turns you on, and uses it to perfection? Have you ever wanted a guy who took pride in making you feel as good as you possibly can? A lover who is interested in more than just the old in-and-out, who will take you to the moon and beyond and then hold on patiently while you drift gently back down? This, my friends, is the Nice Guy.

And what does the average girl do with such a lovely creature as this? Ahh, here is the tragedy - the average girl takes one look, sees a friendly smile, a listening ear and a soft shoulder, and uses him as a sounding block to pour out her troubles on. Out come the tales of woe about the bastards she is dating, the difficulties of work, family, and who knows what else, and never a thought to the gorgeous possibilities of making love with a person who is connecting with you as a person, rather than as an object.

Ladies, I have known Nice Guys, I have dated them both in the long and the short term, I have been a lot of places and seen a lot of things, and I promise you, you have not lived until you have had one of these. If you are honest and upfront, whether you want a long term relationship, a one night stand, or just a damn good conversation, a Nice Guy will not let you down.

_ _ _ _ _

I cannot deny it, I am a sucker for intelligent conversation. Intelligent conversation about relationships and morality even more so. Occasionally I will catch myself having a particularly fascinating discussion with someone of either gender and almost literally drooling at the sheer clarity of an argument. Not to mention perhaps, at risk of a little crudeness, moist in certain other places as well.

After my love went to bed this evening, I was feeling excessively perky, so I wandered around to talk to Nice Guy, who is a little more of a night owl, like myself and we talked non-stop for something like three hours about relationships, about morality, about polyamory versus society as a whole, about sex and its place in our lives, and so much else besides.
By gosh I was so turned on by the end of it I was almost having orgasms right there in my chair, but then it was late, and he had to work in the morning, and as he so sensibly pointed out (there is the one catch, my dears, with the Nice Guy - he will rarely let you make a bad decision if it is obvious at the time) - things as they stand with my love are still rather new and untested (see previous couple of posts), so we should really be taking things slowly.
I will admit, I have my faults. I can be tactless at times, and I do tend to rush headlong into things just because they feel good at the time, with little thought to the consequences. I am still learning. Sometimes at times when I would much rather be doing other things, like having wonderful sex with sexy people. Curses, curses, and thank heavens for Nice Guys!

So here I am folks, subliming my energy into a nice long rant for your edification, having left things with NG for another night, and about to go to bed, frustrated as anything, but feeling just about as cheerful in that as I could possibly be. I have every reason to believe that there will be other nights, and I suspect our next experience will only be improved by the wait. And best of all? All as ethical as could be.

P.S. NG and my love are on a group night out together tomorrow without me. I am feeling somewhat jealous about this simply because I would love to be a fly on the wall when they have their next conversation, considering that they both know what is going on with the other. I am optimistic about the outcome, but it is still an odd feeling knowing that two of your lovers are going to be meeting, and could very likely be talking about you without your knowing it.

Last minute miracle?

2006-10-14T23:15:00.000+01:00

Goodness, it has been a strange week.

I did indeed see Nice Guy again, and temptation was tougher than ever, so having got back from his house, I realised I needed to remove myself from the area or spiral into destructive behaviour - I packed up my things, charged my phone and drove until I was too sleepy to drive any farther, slept in the car for a while and then carried on driving until I was about as far as I could get away without a plane flight being involved.

I was out of my car barely thirty seconds when a rather friendly local chap stopped to ask if I needed directions, and when I said I was looking for coffee he said he would take me a place he knew and he was buying - well, that ended up turning into a fantastic fish dinner and a glorious afternoon on the beach, and some no strings fun as well.
After that, I decided to shift slightly closer to home. I landed in another town and amazingly quickly was offered drinks by another friendly guy - a student. Had a fantastic couple of hours with him, but I got a bit annoyed when he almost refused to let me leave, so I ended up storming off in a bit of a bad temper, and then struggling to find where I had parked the car as he had led me so far out of the parts of town I knew.
Then I had been wandering around for a few minutes, heading vaguely in the right direction, but not sure where I was, when I ran across an older gentleman, who nodded and smiled at me, and then doubled back to ask if I needed help, after another accepted invitation for coffee, I ended up talking to him until late and when he offered me a bed at his house for the night I accepted (hell, the guy was in his sixties and quite frail, I am sure he was in much more danger from me than vice versa). Left at around 6:30am, after breakfast and tea very kindly provided.

I suppose these things ought to make me feel better about the human race, except they all very clearly wanted sex, even the elderly gent, although he was far too much of a gentleman to push anything unwanted - yes, I know, I am polyamorous and open-minded, and I love sex, and I am of course going to find it flattering that people are interested in me, but I do wonder - is there no such thing as an altruistic act?

Anyway, I came home for that appointment, and having nowhere else really to go, I came back to the house to discuss the breakup with T, and things got a bit heated. I guess I got frustrated at him, and I pushed at things that I wouldn't usually, and asked him to tell me again why this particular guy was so off limits as compared to anyone else, and actually got a new answer - that T was upset because I was 'taking away his friends' - that he felt uncomfortable around other people I was seeing, and therefore when I was seeing someone he liked he felt I was threatening his social life.
I don't usually make any kind of you-statements in arguments if I can help it, feeling that each person is responsible for their own behaviour, and you can only change from the inside, but I listened to this, and then asked him if he had considered that I wasn't making him feel awkward, that he was doing that all on his own, and if he didn't act oddly around people, they would not act oddly around him.
T is not usually one to admit he is wrong, but he stepped back, thought about that, and said I had made an interesting point, and then we talked about that for more hours, about how we could act on it.

So this seems to have been a bit of a revelation, and suddenly we are back together and trying again, and back to all the agreements we had before without me having to change a thing, except to support him in his new bid to change his behaviour - I am a little shell-shocked really.
I have always been one for problem solving, both in and out of relationships, but this solution has turned up a little too quickly, and at a difficult time for me to trust it.

We are taking things a day at a time, and seeing how it works out. If it does... oh, if it does, I think I have almost everything I ever dreamed about. I guess if it doesn't work, then at least we tried everything we could.

Ending

2006-10-10T00:24:00.000+01:00

Well, it is sad, but unavoidable. It becomes clear that the compromise we agreed on is not working. T has admitted to me that he was in fact not happy with what we had agreed before anyway, but was trying to stick by it because he didn't want to lose me. Upsetting stuff.
The long and the short of it is that we are splitting up sooner rather than later, and I will shortly be looking for a new place to live. Talking November now, rather than in the new year.

There is going to be a lot of difficult discussion ahead, dividing the house and mortgage and everything, and sorting out what belongs to who, though we are both still very much in love, and intend to support each other through it. We just have to accept that the gap between what we both want out of life is too wide to compromise over as life partners, but hopefully we can stay friends for a long time ahead.

Only trouble now is... I'd really like to see Nice Guy again, but it is rather against T's wishes, and I will be living under his roof until I leave this country, despite us being definitely over. It is not just NG he doesn't want me to see, he is expecting me to be celibate until I leave. I'm afraid I am just not that kind of girl. Not sure what I can do about this.
It is very very tempting to just go ahead with it anyway, on the basis that I am pretty sure I could find somewhere to stay if the worst came and T kicked me out, and otherwise what he doesn't know won't hurt him. I know it is not the ethical way to go, but I have been pushed rather to my limit out here, and he has not been honest with me for a lot of the way to this point, otherwise I would not be in this mess. At least a couple of my friends agree, too, that really if we are not in a relationship any more either, then he has no right at all to dictate what I do outside of the house.

Well, I will see NG again on a platonic basis hopefully at some point this week, and explain the situation, and see where things go. I really want to do more though... there was a mention of things to do with massage oil, and some other things to do with whipped cream, I think it was, both of which sound rather lovely, and I would hate to have to miss out just because T is being unreasonable.

Lions and Tigers and Bears, Oh My!

2006-10-08T08:40:00.000+01:00

Today's title feels appropriate for two reasons - one shallow, in that I wore my 'Dorothy shoes' out for the first time - some rather glorious red sequined high-heeled slippers, with ribbon bows on the front - and the other reason being a little more metaphorical - that I feel surrounded by unseen (and, if I am very very lucky, imaginary) dangers, and find myself spinning in circles wondering how to get out.

I am still pondering where to take my next step. There is time, but I suspect it will go quickly, and I would like, for once, to be organised, and at least somewhat sure about where I am heading, rather than fuzzy and pushed along by fate. I am considering moving to a specific UK city - one that I haven't lived in before, but I have friends there who tell me I would love it, and I suspect they are right. I have always felt like a city girl at heart, despite being brought up in small towns all my life, except for a sadly brief stint at university. At the worst, I will have tried and failed, and I would rather that than spend my entire life regretting the not having tried.

Of course, I do have a dreadful habit of complicating things for myself. I am not very good at resisting a particular type of person... Ok, I admit it, I have a fetish for geeks. There is method in my madness - the word 'geek' says to me intelligence, attention to detail, a healthy respect for women (after all, familiarity does seem to breed contempt!), a certain amount of manual dexterity (ever met a geek that can't type?!), and best of all, there is probably an exception to the rule, but I am yet to meet a geek that is a bastard. Anyway... the goldfishbowl community I am living in happens to have a certain proportion of people who fit my criteria - oh how can a girl resist, I ask you? Well, I can't, that's for fairly certain. So I end up playing out a scene I am learning to recognise... (a dramatic representation:)

Geek of Desire: "You're flirting with me, aren't you? But don't you have a boyfriend?"

Me: "Well, yes, and yes, but I promise you this is ok... we have an agreement"

GoD*: "Oh, um, ok..." (looks terrified)

Me: "So, are you interested in hearing the exact details?"

GoD:"um, ah, er..." (contrives to look both terrified and fascinated)

Me: "Well..." (explains details of agreement in as tactful a manner as possible)

GoD:"Gosh!" (continues to look both interested and frightened rabbit-like)

(flirtation continues, and perhaps heads into more interesting areas)

GoD:"are you really sure this is ok, your boyfriend must be an understanding chap!"

Me: "It's what we agreed, you can ask him if you like..."

GoD:"strangled squeak!"

And so it goes... HOWEVER... Despite having agreed this, and having checked with T that what we agreed was ok to continue for the moment, I get home, having spent a beyond pleasant night with a new friend, and I feel in the sake of openness, I should let T know, and of course, bang! Up against the brick wall again - he is upset with me. Yes, he agreed what he agreed. Yes, he Ok'ed it in advance. No, he can/will not explain to me why he is upset. I thought we had gone past this already, more fool me for thinking having worked through issues with external relationships before that we had it worked out.
So now I have a live-in partner, who is not quite ex yet, who is mad at me for unexplained reasons, that may or may not become clear, a brand new friend who turns me on enormously, who I may or may not be involved with again - it is quite clear that we would both *like* to, but the wisdom of it is questionable, despite his being single, and my officially being 'allowed' to, and well, my right hand. Did I mention I don't do celibacy well, or indeed monogamy? Oh... expletive! (no, not expletive deleted, just expletive - I can't think of one vehement enough!)

Perhaps it was predictable, given the circumstance, but you know what - I try to trust my partners, long or short term, to say what they mean and mean what they say. If it wasn't ok, I wanted to hear it before, and not after the fact, when the topic was open for discussion, and I gave plenty of opportunity. I despair.

Why oh why, oh why can people never be straightforward?

*Apologies for the acronym, I simply could not resist - I tried!

A Date With Myself

2006-09-22T22:16:00.000+01:00

When the most is happening in my life, the biggest upheavals, I have less time to write about it, so my intention to write something every day is simply not working, but I have been not keeping up for so long it is hard to know where to start.
I have been trying to look after myself for the past couple of weeks. I have been a bit low, but I have tried not to let myself wallow in it. After the big discussion with T he went away for two weeks on a course, and I have had a lot of time to myself - something I guess I will be getting used to over the coming months.
During that fortnight I decided to treat myself with a bit of care, and took myself out doing the tourist thing, decided I would spend a day on a date with myself. It was rather romantic really. I took myself into one of the larger towns, found a nice cafe to have drinks in, write in my diary for a bit. Then I took myself to the beach, had a lovely walk along the coast, went out to dinner, all on my own (I 'went dutch', in case you're wondering!) and well... realised that I had been pretending for a long time that alone is an unnatural thing to be. Silly to be scared of one's own company, isn't it?

To follow on from my rant last week, it is settled, more or less, that T and myself will be splitting up. I am staying here until after Christmas, most likely until February, and in the meantime will be making some big decisions about where I am going to go, and what I will be doing for money and accommodation. After all, having moved to be with T, I gave up my job, burned a lot of bridges, was planning to never go back to the small town we moved from. I still hope not to, really. After all, there is nothing really to tie me there. My friends are scattered around the country, and I spent almost half my life desperate to get out of the place. I could go almost anywhere in the world, dependent on practical things like costs, and visas. I guess the world is my oyster.
It all had been building up for a while, I guess. We got to this place, and I began discovering issues that we had managed to ignore before, such as why exactly he was opposed to getting married - and ultimately that, while he is apparently happy for me to see other people, he is not *so* happy with it that he is willing to back me up in terms of being willing to weather negative gossip - as I'm sure there will be in a place like this. - I realise that in a particular way I have managed to lead quite a sheltered life - I have managed to grow up surrounded by intelligent, open minded people, amongst whom I have never had to hide who or what I am, and the late realisation that not everyone in the world is the same is a bit of a culture shock - how embarrassingly naive of me!

Ohh if only this place was as he, and indeed everyone who spoke about it advertised it to me. If only... but there is no point regretting what can't be changed, just to move on. It makes me sad that the only lesson I feel I can learn on this is to pay more attention to minor clues, and to be less trusting of what people tell me.
I have made a promise to myself, when I get out of this mess, however I do, I will stay single for at least a year. (That is to say formally unattached - celibacy is not something I am ever likely to achieve, I have to admit to myself!)

A Rant

2006-09-10T16:12:00.000+01:00

I am back, and I am angry.

Today, I rant. I will come back and give backstory perhaps, later, but I need to get this out, and here is as good a place as any. Not everything is sweet and nice in the world of polyamory – I am in a minority, and sometimes I forget that. Before I set off on my new adventure I was maybe a little spoiled – everything was going so swimmingly, I got overexcited, I was showing off, perhaps, on here, and in person, and I missed a few signs that things were not as right as they could be because for the first time in my life I was feeling accepted for who and what I am, and it made me a little dizzy, and boy am I paying for it now.

The area that T and I have moved to is not like where we were before. The community is much smaller, everybody knows everybody, and attitudes are much more old fashioned. Everywhere I go I can feel this undercurrent of seething frustration where there are people wanting more but terrified to do anything about it. There are whispers of adultery, of forbidden fruit, nothing is open and above board, and everybody walks around in fear of what people will think. Into this I walk, naïve in some ways, because I am so upfront and honest about my sexuality, and my friendships in the normal course of events, that I don’t think about whether things are or aren’t what they appear to be. It never occurred to me for an instant until I was ‘warned’ by a number of people, that things like leaving someone’s house at 6am having been discussing philosophy over late night cups of tea could look anything other than innocent, or that it could matter. Let alone actually playing with someone.

And this is one of the things that makes me angry, because T has moved us here with the unvoiced assumption that I would play by these rules, which only became clear after we got here. That I cannot have a perfectly innocent cup of tea with someone of the opposite sex without ripples going through the entire community, that I am supposed to be circumspect and sneak around, and be discreet to the point of paranoia makes me feel horribly uncomfortable. This is not how I am as a person. In my mind it makes me appear far more guilty if I am looking around ever time I go in and out of a house to see who might be watching, than if I was skipping along openly and affectionately as is my usual wont. Half of the community is instantly a problem for me in terms of friendship, which is upsetting because I find, having grown up with mostly male friends that guys are easier in general to talk to. And god forbid anyone in the place should find out I am bi – nobody is safe!

And what does T think? What is the position of the man that I have thrown away my previous life for? Who said he loved me precisely because I am so upfront and honest and always myself. Who I have shared life with for four years, and was planning to grow old with. What does he think? He thinks I should play along, because he is scared about what these people will think of him, too. He admits that he was more bothered by things than he was letting on before we moved house, but was scared to tell me in case I was upset. Upset! How goddamned upset am I going to feel when I find out I have been misled, even by omission, by the person I ought to trust more than any other? By the man I wanted to marry, who I thought was right for me because he was fearless and intelligent enough to brave being a minority, to cope with less open minded people’s assumptions and ignore them as not mattering, and to understand and accept me as a person. I feel I am being surrounded from all sides, and undermined at the roots at the same time. This attitude is so insidious I have even started to doubt myself in the last few days and weeks, but I go over and check what is in my head and I am well aware that I have done nothing wrong.

I am angry because I have been nothing but open and honest all the way through. I have tried *so damn hard* to not hurt anybody, and it only seems to make things worse. I have tried to take the higher ground, the ethical route, and it just keeps coming back that it is easier to ask forgiveness than permission, because society is used to the hypocrisy of clandestine affairs, it is understood, and almost accepted, unlike polyamory.
I have been misled, pushed around, forced into dishonesty and sneaking around that is against all my principles, and I have been attacked from all sides just for being who I am, and I am sick to the back teeth and beyond
I am angry at T for wanting to put me in a position where I am sneaking around because he is bothered by what others think of it, that makes it so much worse in my opinion than being out and proud, and in everyone's faces. And most of all I am angry at society for being so damn pathetic, that they will hate and fear what they cannot understand and cause my beloved to act this way. They are all so scared, so jealous, so unwilling to examine their own rote taught assumptions about right and wrong, and ‘normal’ that at the same time as I am angry I pity them, but it does not make it right.

Jaded

2006-07-20T13:18:00.000+01:00

Perhaps I have limits after all!

Saying goodbye to a couple of dear friends, and closer-than-thats, I appear to have become a bit... bored of sex?

I doubt it is permanent though, and it did take almost an entire 24 hours of constant play with three different partners (no, not at the same time, separated by a couple of hours each).

Well, on the upside - hooray, evidence I am not entirely insatiable! It is somehow nice to know.
On the down side - what do you do when you get bored of the thing you love best?

Back in a few weeks!

Vacation

2006-06-30T09:21:00.000+01:00

There are seagulls hooting, and songbirds twittering outside, the windows are open and there's a warm breeze just floating through, everything sounds and feels like summer. I'm sat in the office at work for the last time. I handed in my notice some weeks back, but it hasn't felt really real up until now. I'm not sure it still does.
I'm leaving - heading into the unknown with my partner and a few meagre savings and a lot of good intentions.
So the upshot of this really is that I will probably be offline for a few weeks, and even if I am around, I don't know how much I will have to say, so just in case you're all holding your breaths for my next entry - it may happen, but no guarantees!
Hopefully I will be back properly around mid-August, assuming all goes well with the move. In the meantime I will try to get some of my older entries back up, with necessary changes, as I know some of you hadn't finished reading.
Wish me luck!

x

And Another

2006-06-28T00:24:00.000+01:00

For complicated reasons, I have had to pull most of my posts, at least on a temporary basis. I will be back though, in one form or another.

x

A Long Sigh

2006-06-27T14:16:00.000+01:00

This world makes me sad.

Some days I go out into the world and I feel like a child again, and it is not a good feeling, it makes me want to cry. I want to believe that everybody out there has good intentions. I want to believe that good things happen to good people, and bad things to people who deserve it. I want to believe that people care, and I want to care about things without getting the cynical feeling that what I think or feel makes not the slightest difference to anything.

It seems nobody is straightforward these days. Everyone plays multiple roles, has secret lives. Perhaps that has been true all through society, but the anonymity of the web makes it so much easier to talk about these things -in an anonymous setting. Just browsing the web you can find secrets that people have posted, things that they are not telling their loved ones, their families, the people they work with - out of negativity, out of self interest, out of fear.
I would love to live in a world where I could put my real name, and my real contact details on this blog, where I could feel safe and sane doing so, but I know that sadly, this is not that world. I am fed up of the shadow boxing, the spy games, the hiding. I want to live in a world where things *are* as they seem.

I want to live in a world where people are open and honest with each other, who don't lie, who act with consideration for the feelings of others, and don't make assumptions about what those feelings are. I want to live in a world where love is honestly more powerful than apathy, and where it is safe to express that love, between anybody. Where strangers can be trusted and where the only surprises are the encountering of new forms of beauty.

I got off the bus this morning, and looked around me at the grey concrete, the brick cocoons that people have made to hide in, each with their little glowing screens, and all mod-cons, and then I looked at the huge grey sky and wanted to fall to my knees in despair. So much beauty, so much space, so much to go around, but people have to insist on being mean, petty, deceiving, fearful and small. I'm sure I'm not blameless either, but just thinking of how wonderful the world *could* be, if only people cared enough... that makes me want to cry.

I guess this is one of the reasons I am polyamorous - I feel the need to go out and make connections with beautiful people. People who care. At least if a few of us can live and love freely and honestly, and without expecting returns, perhaps the world could be that little bit happier.

x