So many people, so little time
Sunday morning, I'm just out of bed. I have been sleeping alone, in my studio for the past few months. Not because I'm not getting along with my partner -in fact we've been getting on rather better since I moved into my own room -we had been somewhat rowing over the temperature of the main bedroom over the winter, so I went for the simple solution and moved out into the warmest room of the house -mine.
I've been enjoying having separate beds. I'd insisted on having a room of my own, anyway, where I can work, make as much mess as I like, and simply be in my own territory. Not so that I can bring lovers in, as we agreed I wouldn't play with other people in this house. Although when we move away it will be ok to play in my studio, which is good, because I will hopefully have visits from various friends and lovers, and otherwise I would have nowhere to take them.
Before we moved in to this house together, I'd been living in one corner of his old rented room in a house shared with other people. That went on for a few months, and it made me so claustrophobic that I wanted to scream. Somehow I'd been nervous about actually using my own space as a bedroom though, wondering if it would be a sign of something wrong in our relationship. In actual fact though, I've found it rather romantic. I know we're only a room apart, but it takes me back a bit to when we first got together, and had to walk across town to see each other. Instead of sharing a bed out of necessity or habit, now when we do, it is because we *want* to be together, and that is lovely.
Yesterday with his parents was nice, I suppose. I'm a bit grudging about this, as while his parents are friendly, intelligent people, and ever so nice, it is a struggle to have a conversation with them simply because we have so little in common, so there tend to be a lot of awkward silences. I'm really not a great believer in seeing family just because they are related to you, but I put up with these days, because they don't happen very often, and because I know it makes my partner unhappy when he has to make excuses for me. We went out and did the tourist thing for a bit, and had lunch. All very traditional.
It might be a couple of days before I get a chance to post after today, I'm expecting to be quite busy. Tomorrow I'm seeing a friend of mine, who I was talking to last week online about being frustrated at work - I said "drive here and come and play with me" and he said his car was being fixed at the time, but he'd come and see me when it was. Caught me a little by surprise that he actually stuck by the decision, as I was partly joking, but I am flattered that I am worth the effort to visit.
I'm a little unsure about whether I actually want to see him. Not because I don't enjoy it, Cad is a fascinating individual, and to be honest the thought of seeing him at the moment makes me very slightly weak at the knees. On the other hand, there are all too many reasons why the thought of seeing him in person, rather than just flirting online makes me feel rather guilty. The main one is that actually there are only a few weeks left until we move, I really ought to be sorting out my possessions and my finances ready for the move, and monday was otherwise my only free day this week.
I will admit, I'm also particularly unsure about Cad in general, because he has a long term girlfriend, who is apparently unaware of his extra-curricular activities. I'm aware he's very much in love with her, or at least thinks he is, and apparently they have a fantastic sex life, but he wants to explore a different kind of dynamic with me (in terms of D/s, which perhaps I will go into later).
It is very tempting, and I am wavering at the moment between thinking that I am doing no harm to his girlfriend by allowing the experimentation, and fretting that this is very much against my ethics simply in that not everyone involved in this situation has given full, informed consent.
I have been trying to encourage him to talk it out with her, to actually find out whether she would go for a more open relationship, rather than simply assuming she won't, but it is hard from my end, not having met the girl. He says she would never go for it, and yet intends to stay with her, and change his behaviour 'later'.
At the moment I am thinking the compromise might be to play with the dynamic, but keep actual contact minimal - it might be 'emotional cheating' on his part, but it won't outright break the rules of their relationship, and I'd feel a lot better about that.
On the other hand, I am looking forward to seeing another friend on Tuesday immensely. As long as the weather is good, the plan is to drive into the hills and go walking, and I get to show him 'my' countryside (he showed me his a few months back!), and have a whole day together in lovely surroundings. Hopefully it will be a lovely memory to take with me when I move away, rather than the last few months of emotional ups and downs, random moments squeezed in between other commitments, and generally things being all too complicated.
Anyway, I ought to get on, get dressed, and make myself useful around the house. So much to do, and so little time - exactly how I like my life to be!
x
I've been enjoying having separate beds. I'd insisted on having a room of my own, anyway, where I can work, make as much mess as I like, and simply be in my own territory. Not so that I can bring lovers in, as we agreed I wouldn't play with other people in this house. Although when we move away it will be ok to play in my studio, which is good, because I will hopefully have visits from various friends and lovers, and otherwise I would have nowhere to take them.
Before we moved in to this house together, I'd been living in one corner of his old rented room in a house shared with other people. That went on for a few months, and it made me so claustrophobic that I wanted to scream. Somehow I'd been nervous about actually using my own space as a bedroom though, wondering if it would be a sign of something wrong in our relationship. In actual fact though, I've found it rather romantic. I know we're only a room apart, but it takes me back a bit to when we first got together, and had to walk across town to see each other. Instead of sharing a bed out of necessity or habit, now when we do, it is because we *want* to be together, and that is lovely.
Yesterday with his parents was nice, I suppose. I'm a bit grudging about this, as while his parents are friendly, intelligent people, and ever so nice, it is a struggle to have a conversation with them simply because we have so little in common, so there tend to be a lot of awkward silences. I'm really not a great believer in seeing family just because they are related to you, but I put up with these days, because they don't happen very often, and because I know it makes my partner unhappy when he has to make excuses for me. We went out and did the tourist thing for a bit, and had lunch. All very traditional.
It might be a couple of days before I get a chance to post after today, I'm expecting to be quite busy. Tomorrow I'm seeing a friend of mine, who I was talking to last week online about being frustrated at work - I said "drive here and come and play with me" and he said his car was being fixed at the time, but he'd come and see me when it was. Caught me a little by surprise that he actually stuck by the decision, as I was partly joking, but I am flattered that I am worth the effort to visit.
I'm a little unsure about whether I actually want to see him. Not because I don't enjoy it, Cad is a fascinating individual, and to be honest the thought of seeing him at the moment makes me very slightly weak at the knees. On the other hand, there are all too many reasons why the thought of seeing him in person, rather than just flirting online makes me feel rather guilty. The main one is that actually there are only a few weeks left until we move, I really ought to be sorting out my possessions and my finances ready for the move, and monday was otherwise my only free day this week.
I will admit, I'm also particularly unsure about Cad in general, because he has a long term girlfriend, who is apparently unaware of his extra-curricular activities. I'm aware he's very much in love with her, or at least thinks he is, and apparently they have a fantastic sex life, but he wants to explore a different kind of dynamic with me (in terms of D/s, which perhaps I will go into later).
It is very tempting, and I am wavering at the moment between thinking that I am doing no harm to his girlfriend by allowing the experimentation, and fretting that this is very much against my ethics simply in that not everyone involved in this situation has given full, informed consent.
I have been trying to encourage him to talk it out with her, to actually find out whether she would go for a more open relationship, rather than simply assuming she won't, but it is hard from my end, not having met the girl. He says she would never go for it, and yet intends to stay with her, and change his behaviour 'later'.
At the moment I am thinking the compromise might be to play with the dynamic, but keep actual contact minimal - it might be 'emotional cheating' on his part, but it won't outright break the rules of their relationship, and I'd feel a lot better about that.
On the other hand, I am looking forward to seeing another friend on Tuesday immensely. As long as the weather is good, the plan is to drive into the hills and go walking, and I get to show him 'my' countryside (he showed me his a few months back!), and have a whole day together in lovely surroundings. Hopefully it will be a lovely memory to take with me when I move away, rather than the last few months of emotional ups and downs, random moments squeezed in between other commitments, and generally things being all too complicated.
Anyway, I ought to get on, get dressed, and make myself useful around the house. So much to do, and so little time - exactly how I like my life to be!
x
posted by Miss Scarlet at 8:56 am
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