I am still alive! (Also Freedom & Responsibility Part II )

Apologies for the long silence. Not really an excuse for it except that I have had a glorious holiday, and simply felt far too fluffy to really have anything useful to say. I have a draft entry saved that I will post retroactively over the next couple of days that talks about the few days before I got to the Goldfish Bowl (my all girl weekend, an encounter with Cad, and meeting a well known Fetish Diva).
Also for the last week I have been so wiped out by an infection and being back where I have to do dreadful mundane things like work, that I have slept for about half the week. I reluctantly turned down an offer of company from Cad, simply because I was too knackered to cope with it, and how very rarely I say no to pleasure.

My time in the Goldfish Bowl is best described as a month away from the world. A month in the presence of Nice Guy, sure we had a couple of arguments (at least partly about my lack of tact - i admit freely that I tend to read better on paper!) but the rest of it, touring the area, enjoying the weather, celebrating his birthday, and attending a ball together, sun, sea, sand and I might have to admit it... a lot of sex - a month of unrepentant bliss.
Getting to see T again was a bonus. We are still working on separating our belongings and finances (at least legally - joint mortgages are a pain), and things still feel a little... odd, at least at my end, but it was good to see him, and to know that we still have *something*, even if what we are to each other has changed. Still friends, and still 'fuck-buddies', even if a long way apart. I am positive about going back to stay with him on a friendly basis at some point, and I do wonder if I hadn't been out there staying with NG, whether we'd have actually got to that state.

Anyway, back in the real world, getting back to the City things start falling back to earth, and I realise that floating on my fluffy cloud for the past month, all of the issues that Nice Guy and I intended to talk about when I got there didn't apply, and had simply fallen by the wayside. Being back where there is daily temptation though, we are hard at work again dealing with things as and when they hit us. Staying up til silly times in the morning to talk through feelings when nerves are hit and mistakes are made (of course, by me).

Yesterday I headed round to Mountain's for lunch, and to present him with a belated birthday gift, and discovered over the course of lunch that he and his Significant Other were no longer an item. He is unexpectedly available for play for the first time since we met. Sudden quandary - I am supposed to be a single person. I made this promise to myself for the year. However, love is as it is, and I know that NG was upset by finding out at the last minute the last time I played with someone I hadn't before. I care, and so when he is upset, I feel it too. So... a couple of badly thought out texts and an apologetic phone conversation later, I compromise with myself on his behalf - I am not going to *not* play with Mountain, but I have waited four months, I can wait a little longer and give fair warning. So, reluctantly and frustratingly, I demonstrated willpower, and returned home to talk to NG instead. Things are... not entirely rosy, not entirely worked out, not completely happy, but I am optimistic again.
I have another date with Mountain on wednesday before he goes to Sweden (alas, I was invited, but I already am going to Optimus's graduation ceremony, and Lawyer's birthday treat, both on the same weekend, and plus can't really afford the time away). I anticipate it to be a lot of fun, especially having been Out of Bounds for so long.

Dinner with Duchess tonight, who is once again a part of a monogamous couple and off-limits for play, which is frustrating, but I still very much enjoy her company, so I will be behaving myself. Damn those ethics.
And right now, sleep, because the sun is rising and I have been up all night, first talking and then blogging about relationships. Must do the work thing at some point... Thank heavens for flexible working!

Red.
x

Three men, two days

Tuesday morning: just a quick post today, as I'm off out walking later and want to get something picnic-able ready, and find some sensible clothes to wear for scrambling up hills.

Yesterday with Cad was lovely, I was glad I didn't cancel in the end. We did get some photos in, which at the very least was good practice, and of course, there was nudity involved. He made me blush a little with the comment "It's worth driving three hours for a blowjob that good". Apart from the orgasms (fantastic as they were -gosh that man is good with his hands!), it was nice to catch up and just have a good chat. Looks like I probably won't get to see him again before I move, so we made it a goodbye, as well.
Hopefully he will come to visit after, but he expects to be bringing his girlfriend, who looks now to be a permanent fixture, so yesterday may very well have been our last play together. I intend to stay in touch, at any rate, it's been a good friendship as much as anything else, and I don't like to lose that.

After Cad left, I looked over photos in my studio for a bit, then my partner, Tallboy, came home earlyish. We headed to the kitchen to get food, and ended up having fabulous noisy sex bent over the kitchen stool - Ah the joys of no longer having a shared house!
Had a good evening out as well. (Noticed one of our other friends looking at me in an interesting way, shame we don't have more time left in the area, or else I might have followed it up, I haven't been involved with a couple for ages.)

Looking forward to seeing Busybee. I think today might be my goodbye from him, as well. Although I will possibly get to see him again before we go a few times, I know things will be different from now on. Knowing that our friendship had a 'best before' date from the start doesn't make it any easier. I've got very attached to him over the last few months, and I am very glad we have a promise that will force us to keep in touch. Busybee has affected me and my life in quite a lot of ways, and I rather think of him, and some of the people he has introduced me to, as a part of my family.

Ok, this post is starting to ramble, and I am getting sentimental. Better go and make some tea and rummage to see what I can find in the fridge.
Things will probably calm down after today anyway, as I am working in the office the rest of the week, and have a minor operation on friday, so I'll probably be recuperating for a few days, then perhaps I can post some excerpts from my old paper diary, and start explaining how I got here.

x

So many people, so little time

Sunday morning, I'm just out of bed. I have been sleeping alone, in my studio for the past few months. Not because I'm not getting along with my partner -in fact we've been getting on rather better since I moved into my own room -we had been somewhat rowing over the temperature of the main bedroom over the winter, so I went for the simple solution and moved out into the warmest room of the house -mine.

I've been enjoying having separate beds. I'd insisted on having a room of my own, anyway, where I can work, make as much mess as I like, and simply be in my own territory. Not so that I can bring lovers in, as we agreed I wouldn't play with other people in this house. Although when we move away it will be ok to play in my studio, which is good, because I will hopefully have visits from various friends and lovers, and otherwise I would have nowhere to take them.

Before we moved in to this house together, I'd been living in one corner of his old rented room in a house shared with other people. That went on for a few months, and it made me so claustrophobic that I wanted to scream. Somehow I'd been nervous about actually using my own space as a bedroom though, wondering if it would be a sign of something wrong in our relationship. In actual fact though, I've found it rather romantic. I know we're only a room apart, but it takes me back a bit to when we first got together, and had to walk across town to see each other. Instead of sharing a bed out of necessity or habit, now when we do, it is because we *want* to be together, and that is lovely.

Yesterday with his parents was nice, I suppose. I'm a bit grudging about this, as while his parents are friendly, intelligent people, and ever so nice, it is a struggle to have a conversation with them simply because we have so little in common, so there tend to be a lot of awkward silences. I'm really not a great believer in seeing family just because they are related to you, but I put up with these days, because they don't happen very often, and because I know it makes my partner unhappy when he has to make excuses for me. We went out and did the tourist thing for a bit, and had lunch. All very traditional.

It might be a couple of days before I get a chance to post after today, I'm expecting to be quite busy. Tomorrow I'm seeing a friend of mine, who I was talking to last week online about being frustrated at work - I said "drive here and come and play with me" and he said his car was being fixed at the time, but he'd come and see me when it was. Caught me a little by surprise that he actually stuck by the decision, as I was partly joking, but I am flattered that I am worth the effort to visit.

I'm a little unsure about whether I actually want to see him. Not because I don't enjoy it, Cad is a fascinating individual, and to be honest the thought of seeing him at the moment makes me very slightly weak at the knees. On the other hand, there are all too many reasons why the thought of seeing him in person, rather than just flirting online makes me feel rather guilty. The main one is that actually there are only a few weeks left until we move, I really ought to be sorting out my possessions and my finances ready for the move, and monday was otherwise my only free day this week.

I will admit, I'm also particularly unsure about Cad in general, because he has a long term girlfriend, who is apparently unaware of his extra-curricular activities. I'm aware he's very much in love with her, or at least thinks he is, and apparently they have a fantastic sex life, but he wants to explore a different kind of dynamic with me (in terms of D/s, which perhaps I will go into later).
It is very tempting, and I am wavering at the moment between thinking that I am doing no harm to his girlfriend by allowing the experimentation, and fretting that this is very much against my ethics simply in that not everyone involved in this situation has given full, informed consent.
I have been trying to encourage him to talk it out with her, to actually find out whether she would go for a more open relationship, rather than simply assuming she won't, but it is hard from my end, not having met the girl. He says she would never go for it, and yet intends to stay with her, and change his behaviour 'later'.
At the moment I am thinking the compromise might be to play with the dynamic, but keep actual contact minimal - it might be 'emotional cheating' on his part, but it won't outright break the rules of their relationship, and I'd feel a lot better about that.

On the other hand, I am looking forward to seeing another friend on Tuesday immensely. As long as the weather is good, the plan is to drive into the hills and go walking, and I get to show him 'my' countryside (he showed me his a few months back!), and have a whole day together in lovely surroundings. Hopefully it will be a lovely memory to take with me when I move away, rather than the last few months of emotional ups and downs, random moments squeezed in between other commitments, and generally things being all too complicated.

Anyway, I ought to get on, get dressed, and make myself useful around the house. So much to do, and so little time - exactly how I like my life to be!

x