That feeling of desolation...
It's been a rough week, and my timing is, as ever shitty. I had been working hard on maintaining my friendship with Mountain, and trying to look after him when he really wasn't looking after himself. Having finally seen him turn a corner, I was building up the courage to talk to him about the state of things between us, in the main whether we could still have a relationship without the living together which was, i think a large part of the problems between us - and before I got to get a word out, he calls it off. Everything. No talk, no phone calls, no emails, basically don't speak unless I'm spoken to, because being friends is harder for him than being nothing at all. It would have been hard, anyway, but the timing was just the icing on the cake. I found myself humming 'send in the clowns' as I cried myself to sleep.
At any rate, apologies to everyone for the potential for TMI in this post.
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You don't want a conversation. Okay. This is not a conversation, nor do I expect anything to change as a result of it, but I'm going to write down my responses to the things you said, because lord knows if I don't put them somewhere I am going to explode.
Your last paragraph hurt the most, as you were never just one of many to me. I'd been thinking up to your phone call the other day about how much I value your friendship, support, mentorship, conversation, and your 'dom-ness', and that I had been thinking hard about how, while I didn't think living together would be a good idea any time soon, I still wanted to be 'yours'.
You still are the first thing I think about when I make a decision, even now, and believe it or not, our un-marriage is still important to me. In the conversation I requested, that you turned down, I was wanting to ask how you felt about still being my primary, whether or not I was the same to you. The texts about missing you, about wanting you around were an indicator of how constantly i was thinking about you, even when divided, and I am unutterably sorry that they made you unhappy.
Clearly, a D/s relationship, particularly one that involves living apart can't work without trust, so what I was asking for isn't possible, and I accept that, but I wanted you to know what I had in mind. You were never, ever, one of a stable, or on a level with anyone else, and I always felt more that I was at your beck and call than vice versa - I certainly would have been if you'd requested it, and it wasn't that I saw you only at my convenience, but only as much as I dared.
As for the trust thing, I'm just going to bullet point a couple of things.
At any rate, apologies to everyone for the potential for TMI in this post.
----------------
You don't want a conversation. Okay. This is not a conversation, nor do I expect anything to change as a result of it, but I'm going to write down my responses to the things you said, because lord knows if I don't put them somewhere I am going to explode.
Your last paragraph hurt the most, as you were never just one of many to me. I'd been thinking up to your phone call the other day about how much I value your friendship, support, mentorship, conversation, and your 'dom-ness', and that I had been thinking hard about how, while I didn't think living together would be a good idea any time soon, I still wanted to be 'yours'.
You still are the first thing I think about when I make a decision, even now, and believe it or not, our un-marriage is still important to me. In the conversation I requested, that you turned down, I was wanting to ask how you felt about still being my primary, whether or not I was the same to you. The texts about missing you, about wanting you around were an indicator of how constantly i was thinking about you, even when divided, and I am unutterably sorry that they made you unhappy.
Clearly, a D/s relationship, particularly one that involves living apart can't work without trust, so what I was asking for isn't possible, and I accept that, but I wanted you to know what I had in mind. You were never, ever, one of a stable, or on a level with anyone else, and I always felt more that I was at your beck and call than vice versa - I certainly would have been if you'd requested it, and it wasn't that I saw you only at my convenience, but only as much as I dared.
As for the trust thing, I'm just going to bullet point a couple of things.
- Trip to storage: ignoring all previous track record, which you tell me is meaningless, surely the fact that when you've checked, nothing has gone missing should count for something?
- Sexual safety: Three reasons I hadn't talked about this with you (which I admit was remiss of me).
Firstly, you got very upset when I talked about my date with C, so I came to the conclusion it was best not to bring these things up unless I had to.
Secondly, since you told me you already assumed that I *was* playing with new people (which at the time was untrue), after that it seemed pointless to not go ahead and do it anyway, since you were already working on the assumption that it was the case.
Thirdly, when I did give in, I was still limiting my activities to very low risk (clothes-on teasing, spanking, play with toys that had condoms over) both because of the newness of the relationship and because I still had not (have not, necessarily) rescinded my fluid bonding with you. However, this was also one of the things I wanted/needed to discuss with you when I was asking for a meet-up.
For now, anyway, I'm just going to do what feels right, which for the moment means taking my time, looking after myself, focusing, when I can, on work, and spending time with my support network, with my friends and my family, both adoptive and real. Maybe a little play, if and when it feels safe. Though after our last phone conversation and an event last week that flashed me straight back to May 15th, which I wanted to talk to you about as well, I actually think I'm going to be off even low-level stuff for a long while again because I'm getting nausea, shakes and bursting into tears every time I think about sex, or kink again.
Being sensible about things sucks, but it's better than the alternative.
...
posted by Miss Scarlet at 10:07 am
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