Feeling like Humpty-Dumpty

Up and down, up and down, I've been feeling very much like a little tug-boat in a storm lately. Tonight I feel like I finally landed, but on some nice sharp jagged rocks, and only now the bottom's out of the boat and it's too late, discovered the bit of flotsam that was jamming the motor fell out somewhere along the way.

This morning Nice Guy and I went shopping with another girlfriend of his, Historicist, who I hadn't met before. She was apparently rather nervous about meeting me. Not only is she not poly, but she's very new to the whole field of relationships in general, so I could understand that. However we clicked quite quickly, as she's a bright and intelligent (and slightly geeky) sort of girl, and not only got, but actually *liked* my jokes (a rare event!) and it turned out to be a really enjoyable day in the City. This evening, however, not quite so fun.

I've been having some major talks with Nice Guy lately, some of them quite heated, about the state of our relationship, where things are going, where things are going with other people, and some factors involving sexual health and safety - one of the complicated things about polyamory is that if you make a mistake on that front, you're affecting *all* of your lovers, and possibly theirs too, so a lot of thinking, caring and frank discussion tends to be needed. Because I've been considering trying some new things with Mountain, it's brought up a lot of new things that needed to be discussed, some of which have been quite uncomfortable for one or other of us.

Ironically, things were actually going quite well when everything went pear-shaped. We were back at NG's house, having invited Scaredycat over to catch up, and we'd been talking things over more, and actually getting places. I'd had a couple of impatient responses, and was feeling quite small and selfish, but I'd asked for a couple of minutes out of discussion, some processing time, and was just drawing myself up to be adult and sensible and yes, ethical about things - to agree to wait and discuss more and to respect boundaries that weren't my own, for the sake of love. Disaster though - he panicked at me withdrawing, and prodded. And prodded. And kept pushing, despite my asking him to please, just stop for a minute or two.
Kept pushing until I ran and hid and then carried on even after I literally begged him to just stop. Pushed on right until I hit breaking point.
Things actually got worse still. I'll not go on too much, I know he wasn't intending to do me any harm, but my god, a six foot plus adult male having a histrionic fit, threatening to break doors down and punching walls is bloody scary. As is one that's trying to stop you leaving the building when you're too upset and scared to stay around.

The really gutting thing, though, is that just a few hours ago, a few hours *after* all this, Nice Guy rang to say that he'd spent two hours on the phone with Mountain, they'd talked about a lot of the things he'd been worrying about, he was feeling a lot happier and a lot more hopeful.
Just that little bit too late.
It's early days, and I know things may feel different in the morning, but right now, it feels like we're over. One of the things that made me feel so very good with my Nice Guy was the sense of safety I felt around him, and it's gone. We'd had similar rows before, and he'd said he would learn to stop pushing, and it hasn't happened, instead it seems to be worse than ever. He promised me this evening that he'd not do it again and I've realised I don't think there's anything on this earth that would make me believe that. I can't promise not to need time out during a row, and don't honestly believe he is capable of staying rational enough to *not* react to that the same way as this evening. I can't see any sort of resolution to that.
Just the way we couldn't help pushing each others buttons put me in a situation I never want to be in again, which does not mean good things for the relationship.

On a more positive note, the support-network side of poly very much came into its own tonight - I am intensely grateful to Miss Sunshine, who was good enough to call NG as a favour to me to check he was okay, after I walked out of his house. I'm grateful to Scaredycat, who was good-natured about my messing him around as to where we were meeting up, and provided much-needed platonic hugs. And I'm immensely grateful to Mountain for being his usual caring, likeable and insightful self (I wonder if it's tempting fate to wonder where the catch is there...). In some ways I'm quite fluffy about NG as well, since after he calmed down he was concerned enough about my feelings to let me know that he was ok, and to finally bite the bullet and have a proper talk with Mountain, even if it was too late.

Unfortunately that's the bit that makes me feel like I've been gutted with a shovel - I still care very deeply for NG, it's clear that he still loves me, and from what he said after having spoken to Mountain it was starting to look like things could really work out in more long term ways, too. Except that I think that, earlier tonight, he broke what made us 'us'.

I don't know quite where things are heading now. Scaredycat is going to come with me to see NG in the morning-not for my protection, but because they get on well, and I'm hoping that a little social time without being 'relationship' time, might help a bit (Plus NG already bought in the beers, so it would seem a waste otherwise!). I still want the man in my life, but at the moment I can't quite see how that's going to be. Personal space is as much a friendship issue as it is in any other kind of relationship, so it's definitely going to need some thinking about. Then in the evening I'm due to be fetish clubbing with Mountain. At the moment, I'm looking forward to some much-needed catharsis.
Right now, anyway, the thing I need most is sleep, so I'll post this and get my head onto the pillow.

Fingers crossed it all looks better in the morning!

Red.