Breaking my silence

I think it's time...

I haven't been wanting to talk about things. And I haven't wanted to talk about not wanting to talk about things, either, it just sounds so... well, victim-ish, and I don't like that idea much. It's just not me. What else do you call yourself though, when a partner, someone you trusted, gets under your skin so completely, and then turns on you so violently as to leave you still having nightmares, and panic attacks five months on?
Mountain left me not knowing who I could trust and feeling unsafe around even my closest friends. It feels a little like overreaction now, but at the time it took me weeks to feel safe even leaving the house. I still don't really know how to feel... whether it's even worth my caring about, I'm just tired. At the end of the day, I think it doesn't/didn't matter, anyway. The practical difference between dealing with someone who has psychological/emotional issues and can't or won't see it, or someone who just happens to be a manipulative and evil bastard... there's very little in it. You can think and feel what you like, but the actions needed to protect oneself are the same. I just feel a little stupid that I let things go as far as they did before I took those steps. 

Knowing who to trust? That's always going to be hard, and harder now - having known Mountain for over a year before anything started worrying me. There's always afterwards going to be that little nagging doubt. I am working on patching the holes in my safety net, at least, and making a nest for myself that I can stay quiet in for a while. Knowing I have friends in the City, and good ones, and friends outside too, that's a comfort that's got me through the last few months. Though there have been ups and downs with that too - the rant below was written whilst going through a particularly rough patch. I was tempted to delete it, as it has sat in my drafts for a long while now, but there are plenty of days when I still feel that way, and I think it will take a long time to go away. 

There will be more soon, I think. I've finally got some energy to think about things, and the distance to not be shaking as I type. It's been a long few months, and whilst there hasn't been a whole lot going on in relationship terms - I've been far too fragile to even consider it - there has been plenty going on inside my head. Perhaps not in the next few days, but I think it will be within weeks, rather than months now, to my next post.