Time, the great healer?
In which there is rampantness, wistfulness and a complete failure to get anything useful done.
Well, it has been a week since I got back to the Goldfish Bowl, and I am still no farther with packing to leave, but more sure that I am going.
I have spent a lot of time with Nice Guy, roughly on a daily basis, and stayed over a couple of times. He continues to surprise me with sheer enthusiasm, experimentation, and a straightforwardness that I find hilarious at times, but very refreshing. The last week has involved trying out a couple of things that I have been dying to for ages, and at least one that I hadn't thought I ever would.
I'd love things to carry on just as they are, which actually makes me realise I really need to keep my promise to myself and be single for a good length of time, or risk ruining something lovely by constantly wondering if I should have.
I have seen less of T, even though we are still living in the same house, as he tends by choice to leave for work long before I get up, work fairly late, and go to bed very early, so he doesn't socialise that much. We have spent some time together though, and shared a bed on Sunday for the first time in a while, which was comforting. We did find ourselves going over those sore old topics again in the morning, because of talking about how to divide up the house, but held off from it becoming a huge blow-up, and had makeup sex afterwards. NG noted the scratches down my back later on.
There was snuggling on the sofa last night, as well, whilst watching Star Trek, and we talked about my coming back to visit later in the year.
I am slowly accepting that we were not really compatible in the first place, and I think so is he - that we were wanting very different things from the relationship, and both trying to push each other to fit in moulds that weren't suited. The letting go is hard, but I think it makes it easier for us to be friends - finally accepting each other for what we really are, and not so much ending, but finding a different way to be in each other's lives. I love T enough to want him to be happy, and I will support him in finding that without me, if I can.
Nice Guy is still struggling with the idea of being the 'Other Man', despite all reassurances from me, and from T (not helped by his not having been sober enough to remember T's). Hopefully things will simply carry on going smoothly, and that will wear off. This is my life, though, and unexpected complications seem to be around every corner lately, so I can only cross my fingers, rather than give any absolute assurances that nothing will go wrong.
At any rate, between the pair of them there is a whole lot of emotional stuff going on, which I realise I am not going to get past if I stay in the same area, so however much I might hate the idea at the moment, I will have to take the leap of faith and go. I have at least made some little steps towards a place to live when I leave here, so that is a positive thing.
We all went to a big social event on Friday, which was lovely, but made me feel a bit low, just thinking how I'm going to miss things. I nearly cried when one of the ladies there came up to me and said she had heard I was leaving, and that she thought the place needed people like me to liven things up. After all the issues I have had with being myself here, it just really hit me. Irony, sweet irony.
Still, it made me rethink my plan for leaving without any sort of comment - I guess I will have some sort of leaving party after all. Just need to work out what to tell people about exactly why I am leaving.
Christmas could be very odd, as well. T and I are going to spend Christmas Day, and the couple of days either side, away with a group of people which includes Nice Guy and an ex-girlfriend of his and a few local friends who officially have no idea what is going on between the three of us (though whether they will have guessed is another question). It could be either very pleasant, or absolute torture depending on how things work out. No doubt it will be more fun than spending the season with my family though, either way!
God, it took me almost all day to write this. I am so distracted lately, I can hardly get anything done. Hopefully the next week will be more productive.
Well, it has been a week since I got back to the Goldfish Bowl, and I am still no farther with packing to leave, but more sure that I am going.
I have spent a lot of time with Nice Guy, roughly on a daily basis, and stayed over a couple of times. He continues to surprise me with sheer enthusiasm, experimentation, and a straightforwardness that I find hilarious at times, but very refreshing. The last week has involved trying out a couple of things that I have been dying to for ages, and at least one that I hadn't thought I ever would.
I'd love things to carry on just as they are, which actually makes me realise I really need to keep my promise to myself and be single for a good length of time, or risk ruining something lovely by constantly wondering if I should have.
I have seen less of T, even though we are still living in the same house, as he tends by choice to leave for work long before I get up, work fairly late, and go to bed very early, so he doesn't socialise that much. We have spent some time together though, and shared a bed on Sunday for the first time in a while, which was comforting. We did find ourselves going over those sore old topics again in the morning, because of talking about how to divide up the house, but held off from it becoming a huge blow-up, and had makeup sex afterwards. NG noted the scratches down my back later on.
There was snuggling on the sofa last night, as well, whilst watching Star Trek, and we talked about my coming back to visit later in the year.
I am slowly accepting that we were not really compatible in the first place, and I think so is he - that we were wanting very different things from the relationship, and both trying to push each other to fit in moulds that weren't suited. The letting go is hard, but I think it makes it easier for us to be friends - finally accepting each other for what we really are, and not so much ending, but finding a different way to be in each other's lives. I love T enough to want him to be happy, and I will support him in finding that without me, if I can.
Nice Guy is still struggling with the idea of being the 'Other Man', despite all reassurances from me, and from T (not helped by his not having been sober enough to remember T's). Hopefully things will simply carry on going smoothly, and that will wear off. This is my life, though, and unexpected complications seem to be around every corner lately, so I can only cross my fingers, rather than give any absolute assurances that nothing will go wrong.
At any rate, between the pair of them there is a whole lot of emotional stuff going on, which I realise I am not going to get past if I stay in the same area, so however much I might hate the idea at the moment, I will have to take the leap of faith and go. I have at least made some little steps towards a place to live when I leave here, so that is a positive thing.
We all went to a big social event on Friday, which was lovely, but made me feel a bit low, just thinking how I'm going to miss things. I nearly cried when one of the ladies there came up to me and said she had heard I was leaving, and that she thought the place needed people like me to liven things up. After all the issues I have had with being myself here, it just really hit me. Irony, sweet irony.
Still, it made me rethink my plan for leaving without any sort of comment - I guess I will have some sort of leaving party after all. Just need to work out what to tell people about exactly why I am leaving.
Christmas could be very odd, as well. T and I are going to spend Christmas Day, and the couple of days either side, away with a group of people which includes Nice Guy and an ex-girlfriend of his and a few local friends who officially have no idea what is going on between the three of us (though whether they will have guessed is another question). It could be either very pleasant, or absolute torture depending on how things work out. No doubt it will be more fun than spending the season with my family though, either way!
God, it took me almost all day to write this. I am so distracted lately, I can hardly get anything done. Hopefully the next week will be more productive.
posted by Miss Scarlet at 11:54 am
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