Going Home

I am sat at Duchess's desk, drinking tea and wrapped in a big fluffy shawl - my god, being here really makes me appreciate the joys of both a warm climate, and central heating, and I had been spoiled enough to have both back in the Goldfish Bowl.

Had a lovely sendoff from Nice Guy, involving yes indeed, my favourite trio of things. I could get quite spoiled, I am sure.
My beloved T dropped me off at the airport though, with only a cursory peck. I do wish things weren't so changed between us. We are still friends, but I think that is all, now.
I kick myself again for having messed up on so many things, and most of all having lied. It is the trust, most of all, that is irreparable. I can still see the hurt on his face when we hug. Perhaps sleeping with someone else didn't take anything away from him - in fact, I know it didn't, but lying to him, even by omission - that took away the most special thing between us, and I will always regret that. We still care about each other though, and are treating each other with respect, even if we are both tiptoeing round each other a little, unsure of the suddenly changed territory. I hope, with time, and a great deal of respect (yes, a lot more than I showed him before, damn my idiocy), that I can repair the trust between us someday.

I do realise though, through all this, I have perhaps been unconsciously subscribing to the monogamist view that there is a 'one' out there for me, that will, if not provide everything for me, 'allow' me to go and get my other needs met elsewhere, and that this is dangerous thinking. While it is not an excuse for the way I acted with T, I think it goes some way towards explaining the fear of losing him that made me act dishonestly.

But why should there be a 'one'? Why not a 'many'? Why not a group? And why should I have to ask anyone's permission to be myself? With such a varied collection of tastes as I have, it seems ridiculous to look for one, or even two people to fill all the niches. Perhaps it is possible, but statistically unlikely! And who is to say that what I have with my friends and 'fuck-buddies' isn't love, anyway?
Ultimately, I remind myself that I alone am responsible for my happiness, and relying on anyone else, even if it is the socially accepted norm, is just plain silly.

Perhaps it is arrogant to go against the mores of society, and believe I know better - I have had even lovers tell me so, but you know what? I have looked at the attitudes of people who are successful, in business, in life, in love, and the people who end up satisfied are the ones who refuse to compromise - no matter what it is that they are after. And the people around them, too - When a person is satisfied within themselves, their loved ones benefit as well.

I do not intend to hurt anyone. I am not a 'sexual predator', and in fact have always preferred to cause myself endless grief rather than hurt other people's feelings - maybe partly why I got into my current mess. I shall be open and upfront about who I am, and what I want out of things, but for now I am done with compromising myself for other people's values, however lovely those people may be.

I will stick to my year of being single, and then I will reassess. Maybe I will decide that there are reasons for bending. I can see that there might be issues with real-world limits - time, safety, and simplicity - juggling a large social calendar is always complicated, after all. But I will give my intended lifestyle a proper chance *before* I change my plans. Up until now, I have always gone into things the other way - played things the monogamous way first, and hoped I could get my way later. That is what I intend to avoid this time around. No more passive-agressive, no more pleading for rules to be relaxed, this time, the rules are mine.

It will no doubt be hard, especially if I am very open about my lifestyle and my views. I may lose friends (although I doubt I will lose any close ones, as they already know what I am like, and I am grateful already for the support they have given me over the last few weeks and months), I may alienate family, I may find issues within the workplace. I am sure there will be unforeseen difficulties as well, but over the next year, once I have left the Goldfish Bowl, for the whole of 2007 in fact, I will not compromise. I will be my own person, I will support myself, and I will not be limited by anyone else's values, even, ironically, if that means that I end up sleeping with nobody at all.

I can feel it even now - I am fighting the attitudes of society within my own head - that 'slutty' behaviour, especially for women, leads inevitably to bad things, to disease, to unwanted pregnancy, to emotional pain. Even, if you believe popular culture, to rape and murder (anyone who thinks a promiscuous woman is 'asking for it' deserves to be treated that way themselves, in my view, but that is for another day). And indeed, what if I am not even sleeping with multiple, but am just having romantic relationships with more than one person?
I still remember the look on T's face when I told him I was falling in love with someone else as well as him, and how very threatened he was - perhaps, looking back, that's the day I lost respect for him enough to lie. Oh wishing things had ended there and then, if that is true, wishing I had realised what was going on in my own head. A dangerous word, 'love'.

I am an idealist. I want my relationships with people to be based on the joy of being together, and not on the fear of being apart. Whether that is one day a year, the occasional cup of tea, or waking up together every morning. *That* is what I am fighting for.

Gosh, that was an unexpected rant! Right, I am off shopping now, and no doubt there will be further tea with the Duchess later, as she is having a bit of a dinner party. I am looking forward to socialising again as myself and not as the 'good girl' I was pretending to be in the Goldfish Bowl. I can't wait!