A Date With Myself
When the most is happening in my life, the biggest upheavals, I have less time to write about it, so my intention to write something every day is simply not working, but I have been not keeping up for so long it is hard to know where to start.
I have been trying to look after myself for the past couple of weeks. I have been a bit low, but I have tried not to let myself wallow in it. After the big discussion with T he went away for two weeks on a course, and I have had a lot of time to myself - something I guess I will be getting used to over the coming months.
During that fortnight I decided to treat myself with a bit of care, and took myself out doing the tourist thing, decided I would spend a day on a date with myself. It was rather romantic really. I took myself into one of the larger towns, found a nice cafe to have drinks in, write in my diary for a bit. Then I took myself to the beach, had a lovely walk along the coast, went out to dinner, all on my own (I 'went dutch', in case you're wondering!) and well... realised that I had been pretending for a long time that alone is an unnatural thing to be. Silly to be scared of one's own company, isn't it?
To follow on from my rant last week, it is settled, more or less, that T and myself will be splitting up. I am staying here until after Christmas, most likely until February, and in the meantime will be making some big decisions about where I am going to go, and what I will be doing for money and accommodation. After all, having moved to be with T, I gave up my job, burned a lot of bridges, was planning to never go back to the small town we moved from. I still hope not to, really. After all, there is nothing really to tie me there. My friends are scattered around the country, and I spent almost half my life desperate to get out of the place. I could go almost anywhere in the world, dependent on practical things like costs, and visas. I guess the world is my oyster.
It all had been building up for a while, I guess. We got to this place, and I began discovering issues that we had managed to ignore before, such as why exactly he was opposed to getting married - and ultimately that, while he is apparently happy for me to see other people, he is not *so* happy with it that he is willing to back me up in terms of being willing to weather negative gossip - as I'm sure there will be in a place like this. - I realise that in a particular way I have managed to lead quite a sheltered life - I have managed to grow up surrounded by intelligent, open minded people, amongst whom I have never had to hide who or what I am, and the late realisation that not everyone in the world is the same is a bit of a culture shock - how embarrassingly naive of me!
Ohh if only this place was as he, and indeed everyone who spoke about it advertised it to me. If only... but there is no point regretting what can't be changed, just to move on. It makes me sad that the only lesson I feel I can learn on this is to pay more attention to minor clues, and to be less trusting of what people tell me.
I have made a promise to myself, when I get out of this mess, however I do, I will stay single for at least a year. (That is to say formally unattached - celibacy is not something I am ever likely to achieve, I have to admit to myself!)
I have been trying to look after myself for the past couple of weeks. I have been a bit low, but I have tried not to let myself wallow in it. After the big discussion with T he went away for two weeks on a course, and I have had a lot of time to myself - something I guess I will be getting used to over the coming months.
During that fortnight I decided to treat myself with a bit of care, and took myself out doing the tourist thing, decided I would spend a day on a date with myself. It was rather romantic really. I took myself into one of the larger towns, found a nice cafe to have drinks in, write in my diary for a bit. Then I took myself to the beach, had a lovely walk along the coast, went out to dinner, all on my own (I 'went dutch', in case you're wondering!) and well... realised that I had been pretending for a long time that alone is an unnatural thing to be. Silly to be scared of one's own company, isn't it?
To follow on from my rant last week, it is settled, more or less, that T and myself will be splitting up. I am staying here until after Christmas, most likely until February, and in the meantime will be making some big decisions about where I am going to go, and what I will be doing for money and accommodation. After all, having moved to be with T, I gave up my job, burned a lot of bridges, was planning to never go back to the small town we moved from. I still hope not to, really. After all, there is nothing really to tie me there. My friends are scattered around the country, and I spent almost half my life desperate to get out of the place. I could go almost anywhere in the world, dependent on practical things like costs, and visas. I guess the world is my oyster.
It all had been building up for a while, I guess. We got to this place, and I began discovering issues that we had managed to ignore before, such as why exactly he was opposed to getting married - and ultimately that, while he is apparently happy for me to see other people, he is not *so* happy with it that he is willing to back me up in terms of being willing to weather negative gossip - as I'm sure there will be in a place like this. - I realise that in a particular way I have managed to lead quite a sheltered life - I have managed to grow up surrounded by intelligent, open minded people, amongst whom I have never had to hide who or what I am, and the late realisation that not everyone in the world is the same is a bit of a culture shock - how embarrassingly naive of me!
Ohh if only this place was as he, and indeed everyone who spoke about it advertised it to me. If only... but there is no point regretting what can't be changed, just to move on. It makes me sad that the only lesson I feel I can learn on this is to pay more attention to minor clues, and to be less trusting of what people tell me.
I have made a promise to myself, when I get out of this mess, however I do, I will stay single for at least a year. (That is to say formally unattached - celibacy is not something I am ever likely to achieve, I have to admit to myself!)
posted by Miss Scarlet at 10:16 pm
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