Grrrr! (Late night rant)
It is the middle of the night, I am tired, hyper, and impossibly horny. T is out lord knows where with a bunch of workmates, NG is at home, presumably in bed - I just left his house a short while ago, seemed like a good idea going over at the time, but has really left me just as frustrated as when I went - hell, in my current state anything that could even marginally afford an orgasm might seem like a good idea, this feels almost terminal, but NG managed to make sure I was in almost precisely the same frustrated state after his involvement as I was before - hey, I never said being a Nice Guy precluded being mean as hell - as long as you get to feel morally correct while you're doing it!
What am I doing here, really? I love T dearly, but I am the bane of his life and I know it. NG is lovely, and very tempting to get more involved with than I ought to, but I do keep on wishing he was B, whilst B is spending time getting to know his new girlfriend back home. I'm sure I am well out of that situation, but I can't help feeling wistful. I left what little I had back there for even less out here. I realise all of my stability depends on T, and I can't cope with that, whereas at least before we moved out here I had a steady job, even if it was just a part time one, and friends all over the place I could visit if I needed to. Out here in the middle of nowhere it is just me and T and the goldfish bowl.
I can't even assume NG isn't a part of the gossip circle, really, either. I found out yesterday that he had passed on something I thought was in confidence to another acquaintance of ours, (I made fairly light of it at the time, after all, it can't be taken back once it is out, though I did express some discomfort anyway) so I don't feel as easy in front of him as I did. Probably for the best really, but it is hard for me to be physically open with people and not mentally, and vice versa.
I am going round and round in circles in my head. I love living here in some ways, I have made friends that I would not have otherwise, my freelance work is going fabulously, and I still have opportunities here that I could not possibly get anywhere else, both career-wise and socially, but I am still uncomfortable about the fact that there are rules that I am being tempted more and more to break. Works great in the light of day, when I am grounded and sensible, or just not tired and frustrated and lonely, perhaps most of the time - but there are days, when, if I am honest, all I want is a damn good fuck, and it is so so hard when T is nowhere in sight, and there is a perfectly lovely guy just down the road, with his potential reduced by what is, when you get down to it, a pretty arbitrary rule.
Despite everything I have been through in the past week, despite the relief when I found out that I didn't have to go straight away, despite my attachment to T, singledom is calling me again. I am well aware that every freedom comes with its own responsibility, but I still find myself longing for that one bit of freedom that I don't have. Sleeping with guys and being limited to non-penetrative sex feels like going to a steakhouse and ordering vegetarian - it is just perverse.
I know, I know, it is apparently asking a lot for a guy to 'let' his partner not only see other people, but do anything she likes with them (bearing in mind we are still talking about *safe* sex, here, I'm not one for unnecessarily risky behaviour), but hell, makes as much sense to stop me at that point as it would to let me say, play tennis with a guy, but never to serve the ball. There is a whole area of fun that I am being barred from, and as a hedonistic sort of person, when I am being denied pleasure for reasons of someone else's insecurities, that makes me itch to either fix those or move on.
Oh what can I do though... T wants to be the most important person in my life, and he almost is, but when I really dig deep, I can only say that the most important person in my life is me, and has to be, and what I want right now, is not what I am getting.
What am I doing here, really? I love T dearly, but I am the bane of his life and I know it. NG is lovely, and very tempting to get more involved with than I ought to, but I do keep on wishing he was B, whilst B is spending time getting to know his new girlfriend back home. I'm sure I am well out of that situation, but I can't help feeling wistful. I left what little I had back there for even less out here. I realise all of my stability depends on T, and I can't cope with that, whereas at least before we moved out here I had a steady job, even if it was just a part time one, and friends all over the place I could visit if I needed to. Out here in the middle of nowhere it is just me and T and the goldfish bowl.
I can't even assume NG isn't a part of the gossip circle, really, either. I found out yesterday that he had passed on something I thought was in confidence to another acquaintance of ours, (I made fairly light of it at the time, after all, it can't be taken back once it is out, though I did express some discomfort anyway) so I don't feel as easy in front of him as I did. Probably for the best really, but it is hard for me to be physically open with people and not mentally, and vice versa.
I am going round and round in circles in my head. I love living here in some ways, I have made friends that I would not have otherwise, my freelance work is going fabulously, and I still have opportunities here that I could not possibly get anywhere else, both career-wise and socially, but I am still uncomfortable about the fact that there are rules that I am being tempted more and more to break. Works great in the light of day, when I am grounded and sensible, or just not tired and frustrated and lonely, perhaps most of the time - but there are days, when, if I am honest, all I want is a damn good fuck, and it is so so hard when T is nowhere in sight, and there is a perfectly lovely guy just down the road, with his potential reduced by what is, when you get down to it, a pretty arbitrary rule.
Despite everything I have been through in the past week, despite the relief when I found out that I didn't have to go straight away, despite my attachment to T, singledom is calling me again. I am well aware that every freedom comes with its own responsibility, but I still find myself longing for that one bit of freedom that I don't have. Sleeping with guys and being limited to non-penetrative sex feels like going to a steakhouse and ordering vegetarian - it is just perverse.
I know, I know, it is apparently asking a lot for a guy to 'let' his partner not only see other people, but do anything she likes with them (bearing in mind we are still talking about *safe* sex, here, I'm not one for unnecessarily risky behaviour), but hell, makes as much sense to stop me at that point as it would to let me say, play tennis with a guy, but never to serve the ball. There is a whole area of fun that I am being barred from, and as a hedonistic sort of person, when I am being denied pleasure for reasons of someone else's insecurities, that makes me itch to either fix those or move on.
Oh what can I do though... T wants to be the most important person in my life, and he almost is, but when I really dig deep, I can only say that the most important person in my life is me, and has to be, and what I want right now, is not what I am getting.
posted by Miss Scarlet at 12:20 am
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