Lions and Tigers and Bears, Oh My!
Today's title feels appropriate for two reasons - one shallow, in that I wore my 'Dorothy shoes' out for the first time - some rather glorious red sequined high-heeled slippers, with ribbon bows on the front - and the other reason being a little more metaphorical - that I feel surrounded by unseen (and, if I am very very lucky, imaginary) dangers, and find myself spinning in circles wondering how to get out.
I am still pondering where to take my next step. There is time, but I suspect it will go quickly, and I would like, for once, to be organised, and at least somewhat sure about where I am heading, rather than fuzzy and pushed along by fate. I am considering moving to a specific UK city - one that I haven't lived in before, but I have friends there who tell me I would love it, and I suspect they are right. I have always felt like a city girl at heart, despite being brought up in small towns all my life, except for a sadly brief stint at university. At the worst, I will have tried and failed, and I would rather that than spend my entire life regretting the not having tried.
Of course, I do have a dreadful habit of complicating things for myself. I am not very good at resisting a particular type of person... Ok, I admit it, I have a fetish for geeks. There is method in my madness - the word 'geek' says to me intelligence, attention to detail, a healthy respect for women (after all, familiarity does seem to breed contempt!), a certain amount of manual dexterity (ever met a geek that can't type?!), and best of all, there is probably an exception to the rule, but I am yet to meet a geek that is a bastard. Anyway... the goldfishbowl community I am living in happens to have a certain proportion of people who fit my criteria - oh how can a girl resist, I ask you? Well, I can't, that's for fairly certain. So I end up playing out a scene I am learning to recognise... (a dramatic representation:)
Geek of Desire: "You're flirting with me, aren't you? But don't you have a boyfriend?"
Me: "Well, yes, and yes, but I promise you this is ok... we have an agreement"
GoD*: "Oh, um, ok..." (looks terrified)
Me: "So, are you interested in hearing the exact details?"
GoD:"um, ah, er..." (contrives to look both terrified and fascinated)
Me: "Well..." (explains details of agreement in as tactful a manner as possible)
GoD:"Gosh!" (continues to look both interested and frightened rabbit-like)
(flirtation continues, and perhaps heads into more interesting areas)
GoD:"are you really sure this is ok, your boyfriend must be an understanding chap!"
Me: "It's what we agreed, you can ask him if you like..."
GoD:"strangled squeak!"
And so it goes... HOWEVER... Despite having agreed this, and having checked with T that what we agreed was ok to continue for the moment, I get home, having spent a beyond pleasant night with a new friend, and I feel in the sake of openness, I should let T know, and of course, bang! Up against the brick wall again - he is upset with me. Yes, he agreed what he agreed. Yes, he Ok'ed it in advance. No, he can/will not explain to me why he is upset. I thought we had gone past this already, more fool me for thinking having worked through issues with external relationships before that we had it worked out.
So now I have a live-in partner, who is not quite ex yet, who is mad at me for unexplained reasons, that may or may not become clear, a brand new friend who turns me on enormously, who I may or may not be involved with again - it is quite clear that we would both *like* to, but the wisdom of it is questionable, despite his being single, and my officially being 'allowed' to, and well, my right hand. Did I mention I don't do celibacy well, or indeed monogamy? Oh... expletive! (no, not expletive deleted, just expletive - I can't think of one vehement enough!)
Perhaps it was predictable, given the circumstance, but you know what - I try to trust my partners, long or short term, to say what they mean and mean what they say. If it wasn't ok, I wanted to hear it before, and not after the fact, when the topic was open for discussion, and I gave plenty of opportunity. I despair.
Why oh why, oh why can people never be straightforward?
*Apologies for the acronym, I simply could not resist - I tried!
I am still pondering where to take my next step. There is time, but I suspect it will go quickly, and I would like, for once, to be organised, and at least somewhat sure about where I am heading, rather than fuzzy and pushed along by fate. I am considering moving to a specific UK city - one that I haven't lived in before, but I have friends there who tell me I would love it, and I suspect they are right. I have always felt like a city girl at heart, despite being brought up in small towns all my life, except for a sadly brief stint at university. At the worst, I will have tried and failed, and I would rather that than spend my entire life regretting the not having tried.
Of course, I do have a dreadful habit of complicating things for myself. I am not very good at resisting a particular type of person... Ok, I admit it, I have a fetish for geeks. There is method in my madness - the word 'geek' says to me intelligence, attention to detail, a healthy respect for women (after all, familiarity does seem to breed contempt!), a certain amount of manual dexterity (ever met a geek that can't type?!), and best of all, there is probably an exception to the rule, but I am yet to meet a geek that is a bastard. Anyway... the goldfishbowl community I am living in happens to have a certain proportion of people who fit my criteria - oh how can a girl resist, I ask you? Well, I can't, that's for fairly certain. So I end up playing out a scene I am learning to recognise... (a dramatic representation:)
Geek of Desire: "You're flirting with me, aren't you? But don't you have a boyfriend?"
Me: "Well, yes, and yes, but I promise you this is ok... we have an agreement"
GoD*: "Oh, um, ok..." (looks terrified)
Me: "So, are you interested in hearing the exact details?"
GoD:"um, ah, er..." (contrives to look both terrified and fascinated)
Me: "Well..." (explains details of agreement in as tactful a manner as possible)
GoD:"Gosh!" (continues to look both interested and frightened rabbit-like)
(flirtation continues, and perhaps heads into more interesting areas)
GoD:"are you really sure this is ok, your boyfriend must be an understanding chap!"
Me: "It's what we agreed, you can ask him if you like..."
GoD:"strangled squeak!"
And so it goes... HOWEVER... Despite having agreed this, and having checked with T that what we agreed was ok to continue for the moment, I get home, having spent a beyond pleasant night with a new friend, and I feel in the sake of openness, I should let T know, and of course, bang! Up against the brick wall again - he is upset with me. Yes, he agreed what he agreed. Yes, he Ok'ed it in advance. No, he can/will not explain to me why he is upset. I thought we had gone past this already, more fool me for thinking having worked through issues with external relationships before that we had it worked out.
So now I have a live-in partner, who is not quite ex yet, who is mad at me for unexplained reasons, that may or may not become clear, a brand new friend who turns me on enormously, who I may or may not be involved with again - it is quite clear that we would both *like* to, but the wisdom of it is questionable, despite his being single, and my officially being 'allowed' to, and well, my right hand. Did I mention I don't do celibacy well, or indeed monogamy? Oh... expletive! (no, not expletive deleted, just expletive - I can't think of one vehement enough!)
Perhaps it was predictable, given the circumstance, but you know what - I try to trust my partners, long or short term, to say what they mean and mean what they say. If it wasn't ok, I wanted to hear it before, and not after the fact, when the topic was open for discussion, and I gave plenty of opportunity. I despair.
Why oh why, oh why can people never be straightforward?
*Apologies for the acronym, I simply could not resist - I tried!
posted by Miss Scarlet at 8:40 am
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