Tantrum over (for now)
It is a beautiful morning, I have already spent some lovely time with T, and I am having some 'me time'. The sun is shining and I have just been peeked at by a tiny bird that alighted on my window sill and peered over the frame at me as if to see what I am doing, and there are other little avian critters audible chirping in the background. The world seems a bit nicer than it did yesterday.
Yesterday I felt dreadful most of the day through lack of sleep. I was up until some ridiculous time in the morning waiting for T to come home on Thursday, so that I could leap on him and finally get what I needed, and I had to get up early to run an errand in the morning, so I managed to get in about 3.5 hours sleep - not quite enough, really!
I don't take back anything I said the other night, I still wonder about things. I am well aware that life is often about compromises, but I have a suspicion that the people who are happiest, or most successful in life are the ones who refuse to accept that things can't be changed.
Having been sat at home, getting more and more frustrated and angry on the Thursday night, and incapable of focusing on anything else, I practically raped T when he got home, and it was technically good sex, but it wasn't the kind of sex I like to have with him - which is relaxed, loving, connected and with *him* rather than with one specific part of his anatomy.
By 3am on Thursday night, most of me simply did not care who I was in bed with as long as it was male. I realised when I was mulling things over, trying to find a new way to discuss this with T, that I felt guilty over this because I was simply using him, and it seemed somewhat unfair. I would much prefer to get my animal urges seen to elsewhere, then come home and be loving and attentive and giving, rather than ignoring his needs totally and demanding attention straight away because I have no other option.
The thing that make my relationship with T special is not his genitalia. I have said this to T, anyway. No results as yet, but he did nod and say he would have a think about that.
I am sure it is hard for a man, having so many centuries of chauvinist society behind them, and probably the caveman genes to boot, to let go of these things - I realised yesterday that T, whilst allowing me to see other men, in making this request of me he has effectively castrated every other man I might see. The men are the same as the women. Usually, if I am honest, this is a good thing for me - I adore oral sex, especially receiving (well, who doesn't?) and the non-penetrative thing shifts the focus very much in that direction. However I love both men and women, and while women are perfectly suited to that kind of thing, really, most men are better at others - i.e. what they were designed for - and I would dearly love to be able to see them in their best light.
Being ethical is hard.
I guess I am an optimist. I believe that it is possible to have a life that suits me just right, and that someday I will.
I am working on it. I believe it is worth working on. I will try to have patience, and faith. Maybe someday it will all come right, and for now, it is not too often that I feel like I did on Thursday night. There is time.
To quote Sheryl Crow:
No one said it would be easy
But no one said it'd be this hard
No one said it would be easy
No one thought we'd come this far
Yesterday I felt dreadful most of the day through lack of sleep. I was up until some ridiculous time in the morning waiting for T to come home on Thursday, so that I could leap on him and finally get what I needed, and I had to get up early to run an errand in the morning, so I managed to get in about 3.5 hours sleep - not quite enough, really!
I don't take back anything I said the other night, I still wonder about things. I am well aware that life is often about compromises, but I have a suspicion that the people who are happiest, or most successful in life are the ones who refuse to accept that things can't be changed.
Having been sat at home, getting more and more frustrated and angry on the Thursday night, and incapable of focusing on anything else, I practically raped T when he got home, and it was technically good sex, but it wasn't the kind of sex I like to have with him - which is relaxed, loving, connected and with *him* rather than with one specific part of his anatomy.
By 3am on Thursday night, most of me simply did not care who I was in bed with as long as it was male. I realised when I was mulling things over, trying to find a new way to discuss this with T, that I felt guilty over this because I was simply using him, and it seemed somewhat unfair. I would much prefer to get my animal urges seen to elsewhere, then come home and be loving and attentive and giving, rather than ignoring his needs totally and demanding attention straight away because I have no other option.
The thing that make my relationship with T special is not his genitalia. I have said this to T, anyway. No results as yet, but he did nod and say he would have a think about that.
I am sure it is hard for a man, having so many centuries of chauvinist society behind them, and probably the caveman genes to boot, to let go of these things - I realised yesterday that T, whilst allowing me to see other men, in making this request of me he has effectively castrated every other man I might see. The men are the same as the women. Usually, if I am honest, this is a good thing for me - I adore oral sex, especially receiving (well, who doesn't?) and the non-penetrative thing shifts the focus very much in that direction. However I love both men and women, and while women are perfectly suited to that kind of thing, really, most men are better at others - i.e. what they were designed for - and I would dearly love to be able to see them in their best light.
Being ethical is hard.
I guess I am an optimist. I believe that it is possible to have a life that suits me just right, and that someday I will.
I am working on it. I believe it is worth working on. I will try to have patience, and faith. Maybe someday it will all come right, and for now, it is not too often that I feel like I did on Thursday night. There is time.
To quote Sheryl Crow:
No one said it would be easy
But no one said it'd be this hard
No one said it would be easy
No one thought we'd come this far
posted by Miss Scarlet at 10:35 am
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