Damn Damn Damn Damn Damn
In which my world crumbles, AGAIN, and I try to be positive.
Me and my big mouth. Slightly more shit has hit fans thanks to the goldfish bowl effect, and Nice Guy told me about some further implications of what has gone on with Indiscreet Idiot - that gossip might have complicated things in T's work, which is very not good. (Technically not my fault if it has, but that is not really helping anything)
Then I bump into T on the landing, so I can't just leave it alone and let NG tell him for me, like the plan was, I have to blurt. NG would no doubt have handled it better, but it is a little late now, and T has just had enough. As things stand, I'm kicked out again as of next week, and for good, unless by some miracle T changes his mind.
I go home on Tuesday, and I guess that is where I will stay. Four days to pack my entire life up, including today, and I haven't even slept yet. Maybe it's for the best, but it is still a shock to be unsettled again so soon, when I thought I had until new year.
I think some part of me was still thinking if I could just manage to stay long enough, maybe I could fix the mess I had made, and find some way to stay on a more permanent basis. Despite knowing that staying here is not healthy for me, despite not being able to agree on a compromise with T, and despite the damage I had done to his trust even while I was attempting to turn over a new leaf in terms of honesty.
Stupid, stupid me. A high IQ does not make anyone wise. There comes a time when things are just plain broken, and trying over and over just hurts everybody.
I am in mourning for my dead relationship, and the fact that it was probably my stupid and thoughtless actions that killed it makes it only the worse. I can only wish I'd been honest sooner - we might have ended sooner as well, but I can only think that it would have hurt everyone concerned a whole lot less.
On the positive side - I guess I just get to start my bright new life a month or two early. A new job, a new home, and a new single lifestyle - the first time I have been really single in my adult life, for more than a couple of weeks. I am looking forward to staying out late and not having to worry about people back home, to knowing that I am spending my own money, and not cutting into joint funds, to not having rules except those I choose for myself. To friendships, and to casual dating, and to being as brazen as I like about being bisexual, and an 'ethical slut', without worrying about what will affect my partner and his straight laced work life.
Ok, I admit it, I am terrified. But I hope that all those things will come, anyway. I have done plenty of things in the past that I was terrified of, I just double-check that it's an irrational fear and power on through the pain. Plenty of people have made new starts, and lived well to tell the tale. I am young, capable (usually) and strong. I will just have to do the same.
Me and my big mouth. Slightly more shit has hit fans thanks to the goldfish bowl effect, and Nice Guy told me about some further implications of what has gone on with Indiscreet Idiot - that gossip might have complicated things in T's work, which is very not good. (Technically not my fault if it has, but that is not really helping anything)
Then I bump into T on the landing, so I can't just leave it alone and let NG tell him for me, like the plan was, I have to blurt. NG would no doubt have handled it better, but it is a little late now, and T has just had enough. As things stand, I'm kicked out again as of next week, and for good, unless by some miracle T changes his mind.
I go home on Tuesday, and I guess that is where I will stay. Four days to pack my entire life up, including today, and I haven't even slept yet. Maybe it's for the best, but it is still a shock to be unsettled again so soon, when I thought I had until new year.
I think some part of me was still thinking if I could just manage to stay long enough, maybe I could fix the mess I had made, and find some way to stay on a more permanent basis. Despite knowing that staying here is not healthy for me, despite not being able to agree on a compromise with T, and despite the damage I had done to his trust even while I was attempting to turn over a new leaf in terms of honesty.
Stupid, stupid me. A high IQ does not make anyone wise. There comes a time when things are just plain broken, and trying over and over just hurts everybody.
I am in mourning for my dead relationship, and the fact that it was probably my stupid and thoughtless actions that killed it makes it only the worse. I can only wish I'd been honest sooner - we might have ended sooner as well, but I can only think that it would have hurt everyone concerned a whole lot less.
On the positive side - I guess I just get to start my bright new life a month or two early. A new job, a new home, and a new single lifestyle - the first time I have been really single in my adult life, for more than a couple of weeks. I am looking forward to staying out late and not having to worry about people back home, to knowing that I am spending my own money, and not cutting into joint funds, to not having rules except those I choose for myself. To friendships, and to casual dating, and to being as brazen as I like about being bisexual, and an 'ethical slut', without worrying about what will affect my partner and his straight laced work life.
Ok, I admit it, I am terrified. But I hope that all those things will come, anyway. I have done plenty of things in the past that I was terrified of, I just double-check that it's an irrational fear and power on through the pain. Plenty of people have made new starts, and lived well to tell the tale. I am young, capable (usually) and strong. I will just have to do the same.
Labels: polyamory problems breakup
posted by Miss Scarlet at 6:26 am
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