I am a Yo-yo
I hate to admit I could be hormonal, as I usually pride myself on my rationality, and I equally hate people that use hormones as an excuse for behaving badly, but I do have to wonder if I am less sane than usual since I changed my brand of contraception.
A friend said to me that it sounded like my mind was made up to leave already. It makes me realise that I have almost been looking for excuses to go, rather than reasons to stay (of which there are still many, but every time anything upsets me I seem to forget all about them).
Everything seems poignant at the moment. After the row with my love on Sunday night, which I am sure was more my fault than his if I am honest about it, he went out and bought sirloin steak, and champagne and strawberries for a romantic meal in to apologise for not having been available on demand the night before.
I feel guilty over that now, because with any other guy expecting instant performance would be totally unreasonable, but I went into a kind of shock because he has never let me down before.
It is a hard place to be in, ethically. I feel that it is a silly, arbitrary rule that my love will accept me playing in some ways with other people and not others (- and we are only talking safe sex, here. It is only sane to expect that I not endanger our mutual health, but that is not the issue here).
I understand that most of society would be on his side, and that he is bending far more than normal in allowing me to have *any* kind of sex play with other people, but that still doesn't make it a rational position - after all, most of society believed that the earth was flat until not all that long ago.
I remind myself that I agreed to it before, because I felt being a free agent was not so important to me as being with him, and it is not fair for me to keep on trying to move the goalposts. I usually feel the same way, but it has been more and more tempting to break the rule, partly just because it *is* a rule, and a large part of me hates having any kind of imposed limitations.
My love has made a lot more changes for me recently, and stretched his own boundaries of what he will accept, yet I keep tripping against this one and struggling to keep on the right side of it, and it gets harder and harder. Hardest of all, I find I love him a little less each time I catch him acting on ingrained prejudice or instinct instead of logic.
The problem I have is the emotional blackmail behind it, exactly that same type of blackmail at the root of my problems with monogamy - To enjoy one particular person, one has to forsake all others. I tend to use ice-cream to demonstrate the non-logic of this - It is like being offered a lifetime supply of your favourite ice-cream, but only if you give up all other flavours of ice cream, including the ones you know about now, and any others you may encounter in the future.
Now here is the point - that yes, perhaps you might like one flavour of ice-cream enough to ignore all of the rest of them, but why should it be necessary?
I'm still working on this one.
The meal was lovely, and slightly silly - we got dressed up and cooked in our evening dress, and then sat on the sofa to eat because the dining table was too piled with junk to bother clearing. It appealed to our joint sense of humour, and was all the more touching for it.
Afterwards we got talking about how to divide our finances again.
I think whether I am leaving or not, I need to separate my money from his - it was fine when we were both earning to have the joint account, but since things are so on the edge I realise how trapped I feel not having easy access to my own money, and I need to take a step back in order to feel like my own person again.
Visiting home in less than a month's time, anyway, and I can see how it feels being back. Maybe it will help to make my decision easier. At the very least I am looking forward to seeing A and N and hopefully a few more of my nearest and dearest, and catching up on missed time.
A friend said to me that it sounded like my mind was made up to leave already. It makes me realise that I have almost been looking for excuses to go, rather than reasons to stay (of which there are still many, but every time anything upsets me I seem to forget all about them).
Everything seems poignant at the moment. After the row with my love on Sunday night, which I am sure was more my fault than his if I am honest about it, he went out and bought sirloin steak, and champagne and strawberries for a romantic meal in to apologise for not having been available on demand the night before.
I feel guilty over that now, because with any other guy expecting instant performance would be totally unreasonable, but I went into a kind of shock because he has never let me down before.
It is a hard place to be in, ethically. I feel that it is a silly, arbitrary rule that my love will accept me playing in some ways with other people and not others (- and we are only talking safe sex, here. It is only sane to expect that I not endanger our mutual health, but that is not the issue here).
I understand that most of society would be on his side, and that he is bending far more than normal in allowing me to have *any* kind of sex play with other people, but that still doesn't make it a rational position - after all, most of society believed that the earth was flat until not all that long ago.
I remind myself that I agreed to it before, because I felt being a free agent was not so important to me as being with him, and it is not fair for me to keep on trying to move the goalposts. I usually feel the same way, but it has been more and more tempting to break the rule, partly just because it *is* a rule, and a large part of me hates having any kind of imposed limitations.
My love has made a lot more changes for me recently, and stretched his own boundaries of what he will accept, yet I keep tripping against this one and struggling to keep on the right side of it, and it gets harder and harder. Hardest of all, I find I love him a little less each time I catch him acting on ingrained prejudice or instinct instead of logic.
The problem I have is the emotional blackmail behind it, exactly that same type of blackmail at the root of my problems with monogamy - To enjoy one particular person, one has to forsake all others. I tend to use ice-cream to demonstrate the non-logic of this - It is like being offered a lifetime supply of your favourite ice-cream, but only if you give up all other flavours of ice cream, including the ones you know about now, and any others you may encounter in the future.
Now here is the point - that yes, perhaps you might like one flavour of ice-cream enough to ignore all of the rest of them, but why should it be necessary?
I'm still working on this one.
The meal was lovely, and slightly silly - we got dressed up and cooked in our evening dress, and then sat on the sofa to eat because the dining table was too piled with junk to bother clearing. It appealed to our joint sense of humour, and was all the more touching for it.
Afterwards we got talking about how to divide our finances again.
I think whether I am leaving or not, I need to separate my money from his - it was fine when we were both earning to have the joint account, but since things are so on the edge I realise how trapped I feel not having easy access to my own money, and I need to take a step back in order to feel like my own person again.
Visiting home in less than a month's time, anyway, and I can see how it feels being back. Maybe it will help to make my decision easier. At the very least I am looking forward to seeing A and N and hopefully a few more of my nearest and dearest, and catching up on missed time.
posted by Miss Scarlet at 9:33 am
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