Good Advice

Wish I had read more of my links. It is too late to help now, but some of the series listed at the top of this page would have been so useful to me back before I messed up. Especially "Jealousy Management for Love and Profit
or, how to fix a broken refrigerator" - It is a better explanation of my take on jealousy and relationship rules than I could have written myself. I have emailed the link to T, hoping he will take it as an attempt to step towards understanding mine, rather than an attack on his principles.

I have been asking myself over and over again why I couldn't get things sorted at the time, why I couldn't stick to rules, and why I kept it secret so long.
I am not trying to make excuses for myself so much as trying to understand where I went wrong so that I can not do it again.

Why didn't I get things sorted at the time? Here is one of my worst faults, impetuosity. I couldn't wait. I was so sure that the problem would be solved at a later date that I simply jumped the gun.
How arrogant of me to assume that what made sense to me would make sense to him. I would just have to explain it properly when I had time. I have since tried to explain it 'properly', but my speech, my plea, my logic, made no sense to him, and perhaps never will. I kick myself.

Why I couldn't stick to rules? Well, even T said he could understand that. Hormones revved, organs said hello and brain switched off. I am not good on willpower. As my beloved knows, we can't even keep junk food in the house without it mysteriously disappearing -even if it is a kind of junk food I don't like that much.

But why did I not 'fess up straight away? I broke the rules, I should have instantly known there was discussion needed, I should have done the work. I guess some part of me was scared of exactly this eventuality - Now T knows that I broke the Rule, and we are breaking up. I am well aware that my concealment of the fact only added to the betrayal of trust, but if I had told him at the time, would we still have been together?
Plus, like the addict who refuses to admit to the problem, I refused to admit that this was a need of mine, and I swore to myself that it would never happen again. The fact that I was under a constant weight of guilt did in fact help my willpower, but it was only a matter of time.

So why now? After all this time, why has it only just come out that I broke the rule way back when?
I have done a lot of thinking over the past year or so, since we further opened our relationship, and polyamory became a more major part of my life, rather than something I simply daydreamed about. I have had to examine and re-examine my moral codes frequently. I have come into contact with more people, and *their* morals, as well, and it is actually my concern for my other lovers that prompted the big debate.

As I mentioned in a previous entry, I was tempted to break the rules. But doing so would involve not just trampling on T's feelings, but also compromising my own morals again *and* those of the person I broke the rules with. And the person I really wanted to go there with was NG - particularly because he has a passion for a certain kind of sex that matches mine where T doesn't always. However, I like and respect NG, and he is a man of decency and honour, and more importantly knew what the rules were when he got involved, so unless the rules changed, it was not going to happen. And still won't, most likely, until it is 100% cut and dried that T and I are apart, which may not be until after I have left here. (Sometimes the trouble with Nice Guys is that they will not embark on something that might turn out to be a bad idea)

So I belatedly tried to do the right thing, which was get agreement from T - and was far too pushy, of course, because my libido was involved more than my brain, and here I am now suffering for it.

I have messed up, and messed up, and messed up. Three things I have learned from my introspection today are:

*Honesty needs to come first, not after the fact.
*Penetrative sex is a need, not something I can go without.
*I still love T, and despite feeling that I have lost something very special, I can't quite give up hope that someday, with a lot of nurturing, we might be healed again.

There is a song trilling through my inner ear at the moment- I learned it when I was in school -it seems sadly ironic at the moment though.

The Magic Penny

Love is something if you give it away,
Give it away, give it away.
Love is something if you give it away,
You end up having more.

It's just like a magic penny,
Hold it tight and you won't have any.
Lend it, spend it, and you'll have so many
They'll roll all over the floor.

For love is something if you give it away,
Give it away, give it away.
Love is something if you give it away,
You end up having more.

Money's dandy and we like to use it,
But love is better if you don't refuse it.
It's a treasure and you'll never lose it
Unless you lock up your door.

For love is something if you give it away,
Give it away, give it away.
Love is something if you give it away,
You end up having more.

So let's go dancing till the break of day,
And if there's a piper, we can pay.
For love is something if you give it away,
You end up having more.

For love is something if you give it away,
Give it away, give it away.
Love is something if you give it away,
You end up having more.

I hope against hope that someday those lyrics will ring true for me. Right now, I am wondering if I will be getting a crash course in celibacy over the next couple of weeks.