Just What I Deserved
What can I say?
I compromised myself, and I broke an agreement I had with my beloved, and then I compounded things by not being honest about it at the time. Now I am reaping the consequences.
It was a fair while ago, before I started blogging about polyamory, but it came up this morning because I was once again arguing with my love, about the ice cream analogy and not being able to do what I wanted with other people making things *less* rather than more special between us in my view. He asked me if it was such a difficult thing to ask of me, how had I coped with sticking to what we agreed before we moved? I couldn't lie to him outright, even if I had by omission before. The answer: I didn't.
If I was like 99% of the population, I guess I could have kept on being dishonest about it, had my fun on the side while my loved one carried on in blissful ignorance, and maybe we could have had a long and otherwise happy relationship. But I hate the idea of being dishonest with people I care about, and I hate the idea of living with the constant nagging little fear of being caught out - that is just not on. I try to be different. I try to be better. I try to always keep my promises, despite temptation otherwise. Sometimes I fail.
I still believe in honesty, and I still believe polyamory is right for me. I guess it is my love that isn't, and I should probably have accepted that a long time ago, but I didn't want to let go. As he said to me a few minutes ago, he can understand why I did it, but he will never trust me again. It hurts a lot, but I can't argue with him on that.
I still love him, he loves me still, I think, but he's right. We aren't a couple any more. We will stay in touch, and hopefully stay friends, but I guess I will be moving again, and looking for work very shortly.
Lessons will be learned from this.
As Alice would say (In Wonderland, that is):
I give myself very good advice,
But I very seldom follow it,
That explains the trouble that I'm always in,
Be patient, is very good advice,
But the waiting makes me curious,
And I'd love the change,
Should something strange begin,
Well I went along my merry way,
And I never stopped to reason,
I should have know there'd be a price to pay,
Someday...someday,
I give myself very good advice,
But I very seldom follow it,
Will I ever learn to do the things I should?
Will I ever learn to do the things I should?
[edit]
I compromised myself, and I broke an agreement I had with my beloved, and then I compounded things by not being honest about it at the time. Now I am reaping the consequences.
It was a fair while ago, before I started blogging about polyamory, but it came up this morning because I was once again arguing with my love, about the ice cream analogy and not being able to do what I wanted with other people making things *less* rather than more special between us in my view. He asked me if it was such a difficult thing to ask of me, how had I coped with sticking to what we agreed before we moved? I couldn't lie to him outright, even if I had by omission before. The answer: I didn't.
If I was like 99% of the population, I guess I could have kept on being dishonest about it, had my fun on the side while my loved one carried on in blissful ignorance, and maybe we could have had a long and otherwise happy relationship. But I hate the idea of being dishonest with people I care about, and I hate the idea of living with the constant nagging little fear of being caught out - that is just not on. I try to be different. I try to be better. I try to always keep my promises, despite temptation otherwise. Sometimes I fail.
I still believe in honesty, and I still believe polyamory is right for me. I guess it is my love that isn't, and I should probably have accepted that a long time ago, but I didn't want to let go. As he said to me a few minutes ago, he can understand why I did it, but he will never trust me again. It hurts a lot, but I can't argue with him on that.
I still love him, he loves me still, I think, but he's right. We aren't a couple any more. We will stay in touch, and hopefully stay friends, but I guess I will be moving again, and looking for work very shortly.
Lessons will be learned from this.
As Alice would say (In Wonderland, that is):
I give myself very good advice,
But I very seldom follow it,
That explains the trouble that I'm always in,
Be patient, is very good advice,
But the waiting makes me curious,
And I'd love the change,
Should something strange begin,
Well I went along my merry way,
And I never stopped to reason,
I should have know there'd be a price to pay,
Someday...someday,
I give myself very good advice,
But I very seldom follow it,
Will I ever learn to do the things I should?
Will I ever learn to do the things I should?
[edit]
posted by Miss Scarlet at 8:40 am
2 Comments:
Once trust is broken it's very hard for people to trust the other person again. But lying is never the option in my opinion either. Since what goes around, comes around usually. There's only so long that you can keep the lies going. Sooner or later the truth will come out even if you try your best to hide it. Which is why I'm always for honesty. Even if it'll hurt someone.
Yes, honesty is generally my policy as well. I wish I had stuck to my own principles. Although I would have missed out on many many months of happiness, and some amazing opportunities, hurting T was too much of a price to pay for that.
In the end, though, it is simply too late to change what has already happened. Things are broken for good. So I simply have to move on, deal with things as they are, and learn from them. I won't do it again, that's for certain.
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