Earth shattered, but nothing changed.
In which I spend a weekend introspecting.
I nearly didn't post this, as I think some parts of it might be too much information, and other parts are so very personal. Some of it is not exactly flattering to my vanity, either, but it is honest. Life is not all roses, and nobody is perfect, but at least we can try - and understanding is one of the things that helps most.
I have been pondering a lot lately, and this weekend particularly. About my reasons for being the way I am, about my past, about my future, about what I can and can't change about myself.
In terms of what affects my relationships with people, I am bisexual - in that I am attracted to both men and women, that is something I believe will never change. I have a very high sex drive, which may or may not change as I get older, and I have a taste for kink perhaps not shared by the general population. All of these things make it somewhat harder for me to see monogamy as an option, though I will always admit that none of them makes it entirely impossible.
However - the thing that makes monogamy really impossible for me? It just doesn't make sense. The closest thing I have heard to a sensible reason is that 'it makes life simpler' (this from a man with the most complicated social life I have ever seen). NG tells me that men are possessive by nature, but we go against nature, and against instinct every day of our lives, and I just can't accept that as a reason for doing anything.
I know very well that love and sex are different things. I also know from experience that it is possible to be in love with more than one person at the same time, and happily so, and ditto for sex. So why on earth should I change what isn't broken?
I have felt isolated quite often over the past year, over the past few. I have doubted myself, I have wavered. I have been without a support network, and without people who understood me. I find even the few friends I have who really agree with me that polyamory is a valid choice tend to back down when faced with an ultimatum and play monogamite (and cheat, in the case of one or two). I have been told that it is worth compromising 'to be someone's special someone'. Perhaps it is. There is a certain appeal to simplicity of life.
However, I am still young, still idealistic, still naive in some ways, as I have discovered over the past year or so, and I believe in honesty, and in sticking to my principles. I am willing to entertain the idea that there are some things in life worth compromising for. Not this year, though. I think, in the long run it may become a rule of thumb for me. If it's worth keeping, it's worth waiting for.
So what has had me thinking again?
On Friday I experienced, at the hands of a certain Nice Guy, what was probably the most intense orgasm of my life. Earth shattering is the phrase that springs to mind. I am somehow surprised that the tremors weren't felt across the other side of the planet. Some part of me thinks there should have been newspaper headlines asking what caused the major earthquake. It seems unreasonable that the world remains unchanged despite my being shaken to my core.
It seems fairly ridiculous that one man, one pair of hands could make me feel that way. Almost banal thinking about it now, when I am back down to earth.
A few hours later, once I had recovered my ability to walk, talk and focus (I do not kid about this) I discovered that, for the second or third time in a week or so, I had hit a level of mental clarity that I had not otherwise felt since roughly age 14 - before I got interested in sex, in fact. It seems that I have been so distracted by my libido that I have not been thinking straight ever since. Only the feeling of being completely satisfied lifted me out of this.
It is a positive thing in that now I know that it is possible for me to feel this way, but it does make me a little depressed knowing that I will be leaving here in barely over a fortnight, and beyond that the future is just a big blank space. There are no guarantees, and that is hard. This sort of feeling is not a thing I can reproduce without assistance.
I have been pondering the implications of this since I left there, and I guess ultimately it makes no difference to my immediate plans. I still have to leave, and to go and live on my own for a good while. Still need to be single for a year, and to know some of what life is like without compromising. I have been feeling more and more attached to NG, and I find I need to get some distance to work out whether it is purely the oxytocin high talking, or whether there is something else as well, and indeed whether it even matters. Even if it does mean a year of tearing phone books, or more than that if things don't work out - after all, I don't expect him to wait for me. I have to gamble that misery now will lead to me being happier farther along the line.
Then yesterday, looking through some old papers, I found some pages I had written when I was first with T, about how wonderful it was to be with him, how good he made me feel, and how I was so sure I could cope with monogamy just to be with him, despite having sworn that I would never do it again only months before. It rings a few alarm bells again when I look at things as they are at the moment, reminds me I must be more wary about making such compromises, especially when hormones are running high and things are new and exciting. I do not want to end up in the same situation again a few years down the line. Patience is the lesson to be learned, I think. Once again, I wonder what the next year will bring. A break from the established pattern is the hope, anyway.
A conversation with C, who is my previous ex also confirmed the need to change. -
C :
and you reckon you'll stay single for a whole year?
hmm, a month maybe?
Miss Scarlet :
single that is, rather than celibate
C :
yeah
still...
or until you get to London and fall in love with someone else
its easily said, but hard to do
Miss Scarlet :
no, I really mean it, and i'm going to stick by it, and anyone who is worth sticking around for the long term will understand and respect that
C :
fair enough
sounds quite idealistic for you
and I think mostly you agree to compromise, but don't really do so
Miss Scarlet :
you mean me personally?
C :
yeah, you personally
or if you do compromise, you begrudge it
Miss Scarlet :
yeah, you're right, tbh, I did, and then I pushed for what I wanted anyway, and where I really couldnt get it grudgingly agreed I ended up cheating, and I hated myself for it. i'm done with that.
C :
its not just a one-off tho, is it?
Miss Scarlet :
that's why the year off, I am breaking the pattern
C :
You don't think next time you'll agree to monogamy?
Miss Scarlet :
I think I am going to have a year to see how I am without any Significant Other at all
C :
thats what you said after me!
Miss Scarlet :
I know, and I have kicked myself about not sticking to it for four years
C :
ah
Miss Scarlet :
so lesson learned
Well, on the positive side, the only thing simpler in life than sticking to just one person is having nobody. I could certainly do with a rest right now.
I nearly didn't post this, as I think some parts of it might be too much information, and other parts are so very personal. Some of it is not exactly flattering to my vanity, either, but it is honest. Life is not all roses, and nobody is perfect, but at least we can try - and understanding is one of the things that helps most.
I have been pondering a lot lately, and this weekend particularly. About my reasons for being the way I am, about my past, about my future, about what I can and can't change about myself.
In terms of what affects my relationships with people, I am bisexual - in that I am attracted to both men and women, that is something I believe will never change. I have a very high sex drive, which may or may not change as I get older, and I have a taste for kink perhaps not shared by the general population. All of these things make it somewhat harder for me to see monogamy as an option, though I will always admit that none of them makes it entirely impossible.
However - the thing that makes monogamy really impossible for me? It just doesn't make sense. The closest thing I have heard to a sensible reason is that 'it makes life simpler' (this from a man with the most complicated social life I have ever seen). NG tells me that men are possessive by nature, but we go against nature, and against instinct every day of our lives, and I just can't accept that as a reason for doing anything.
I know very well that love and sex are different things. I also know from experience that it is possible to be in love with more than one person at the same time, and happily so, and ditto for sex. So why on earth should I change what isn't broken?
I have felt isolated quite often over the past year, over the past few. I have doubted myself, I have wavered. I have been without a support network, and without people who understood me. I find even the few friends I have who really agree with me that polyamory is a valid choice tend to back down when faced with an ultimatum and play monogamite (and cheat, in the case of one or two). I have been told that it is worth compromising 'to be someone's special someone'. Perhaps it is. There is a certain appeal to simplicity of life.
However, I am still young, still idealistic, still naive in some ways, as I have discovered over the past year or so, and I believe in honesty, and in sticking to my principles. I am willing to entertain the idea that there are some things in life worth compromising for. Not this year, though. I think, in the long run it may become a rule of thumb for me. If it's worth keeping, it's worth waiting for.
So what has had me thinking again?
On Friday I experienced, at the hands of a certain Nice Guy, what was probably the most intense orgasm of my life. Earth shattering is the phrase that springs to mind. I am somehow surprised that the tremors weren't felt across the other side of the planet. Some part of me thinks there should have been newspaper headlines asking what caused the major earthquake. It seems unreasonable that the world remains unchanged despite my being shaken to my core.
It seems fairly ridiculous that one man, one pair of hands could make me feel that way. Almost banal thinking about it now, when I am back down to earth.
A few hours later, once I had recovered my ability to walk, talk and focus (I do not kid about this) I discovered that, for the second or third time in a week or so, I had hit a level of mental clarity that I had not otherwise felt since roughly age 14 - before I got interested in sex, in fact. It seems that I have been so distracted by my libido that I have not been thinking straight ever since. Only the feeling of being completely satisfied lifted me out of this.
It is a positive thing in that now I know that it is possible for me to feel this way, but it does make me a little depressed knowing that I will be leaving here in barely over a fortnight, and beyond that the future is just a big blank space. There are no guarantees, and that is hard. This sort of feeling is not a thing I can reproduce without assistance.
I have been pondering the implications of this since I left there, and I guess ultimately it makes no difference to my immediate plans. I still have to leave, and to go and live on my own for a good while. Still need to be single for a year, and to know some of what life is like without compromising. I have been feeling more and more attached to NG, and I find I need to get some distance to work out whether it is purely the oxytocin high talking, or whether there is something else as well, and indeed whether it even matters. Even if it does mean a year of tearing phone books, or more than that if things don't work out - after all, I don't expect him to wait for me. I have to gamble that misery now will lead to me being happier farther along the line.
Then yesterday, looking through some old papers, I found some pages I had written when I was first with T, about how wonderful it was to be with him, how good he made me feel, and how I was so sure I could cope with monogamy just to be with him, despite having sworn that I would never do it again only months before. It rings a few alarm bells again when I look at things as they are at the moment, reminds me I must be more wary about making such compromises, especially when hormones are running high and things are new and exciting. I do not want to end up in the same situation again a few years down the line. Patience is the lesson to be learned, I think. Once again, I wonder what the next year will bring. A break from the established pattern is the hope, anyway.
A conversation with C, who is my previous ex also confirmed the need to change. -
C :
and you reckon you'll stay single for a whole year?
hmm, a month maybe?
Miss Scarlet :
single that is, rather than celibate
C :
yeah
still...
or until you get to London and fall in love with someone else
its easily said, but hard to do
Miss Scarlet :
no, I really mean it, and i'm going to stick by it, and anyone who is worth sticking around for the long term will understand and respect that
C :
fair enough
sounds quite idealistic for you
and I think mostly you agree to compromise, but don't really do so
Miss Scarlet :
you mean me personally?
C :
yeah, you personally
or if you do compromise, you begrudge it
Miss Scarlet :
yeah, you're right, tbh, I did, and then I pushed for what I wanted anyway, and where I really couldnt get it grudgingly agreed I ended up cheating, and I hated myself for it. i'm done with that.
C :
its not just a one-off tho, is it?
Miss Scarlet :
that's why the year off, I am breaking the pattern
C :
You don't think next time you'll agree to monogamy?
Miss Scarlet :
I think I am going to have a year to see how I am without any Significant Other at all
C :
thats what you said after me!
Miss Scarlet :
I know, and I have kicked myself about not sticking to it for four years
C :
ah
Miss Scarlet :
so lesson learned
Well, on the positive side, the only thing simpler in life than sticking to just one person is having nobody. I could certainly do with a rest right now.
posted by Miss Scarlet at 8:45 pm
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