Do I want what I think I want?
What do I think I want?
I think I want:
-a flexible career,
-a life in the city
-absolute freedom to do what i want, when i want
-support, love and friendship from a wide network of loves
I believe these things are achievable, idealistic or not. However, lately I have been forced to question myself continuously, through accident, through debate with people near to me, and through coming crashing into contact with a real world i have managed to avoid for an awfully long time.
I believe a lot of people settle for less than they really want. The word 'compromise' is a pet hate of mine - I believe very strongly that if everyone refused to compromise on their ideals, the world would be a much nicer place, and the only way to improve on things is to set an example and not to compromise your own self.
However the world is as it is, and I am only one person flying in the face of a lot of conflicting views, and it is tough going at the moment.
I can see how easy it would be to sink into the comforting patterns of normality, to stop pushing against the current. To settle. I point out to myself that there is nothing wrong with normal life - for those people whom it suits. I wonder if I have convinced myself it doesn't suit me for spurious reasons. I doubt myself.
I am, as is apparently obvious to everyone, madly in love with my Nice Guy right now - the past couple of weeks when we have spent so much time together has only made it the more clear, and it is also clear that we are well suited to spending a lot of time together, and would like to do so - the only question is whether the mono/polyamory issue will be a deal-breaker. Right now, I would be quite happy to snuggle up in bed with him for the next six months and forget the outside world exists. On past history though, I can't ignore the fact that at some point there will likely be a cooling off - As with C, with T, eventually while love stays, I start to want to bring other people back in, and that has been where the issues hit before.
In some ways I have been pushing myself to see other people before I really wanted to in the hope of establishing polyamory as a norm before any further relationship developed. I have enjoyed the feeling of freedom, while not necessarily wanting to act on things. I still like the idea of being 'single', and the freedom to act on the spur of the moment without having to ask for permission. I still feel that possessiveness is not necessary for a fulfilling relationship.
Career-wise things are pretty much the same - do I settle for a regular job on the treadmill, something that isn't quite what I want, or do I risk poverty holding out for the life I really intend? Troublesome decisions all round.
I still feel that compromise isn't necessary, I just wonder how hard do I have to push to get what I want, and what will get broken on the way.
I think I want:
-a flexible career,
-a life in the city
-absolute freedom to do what i want, when i want
-support, love and friendship from a wide network of loves
I believe these things are achievable, idealistic or not. However, lately I have been forced to question myself continuously, through accident, through debate with people near to me, and through coming crashing into contact with a real world i have managed to avoid for an awfully long time.
I believe a lot of people settle for less than they really want. The word 'compromise' is a pet hate of mine - I believe very strongly that if everyone refused to compromise on their ideals, the world would be a much nicer place, and the only way to improve on things is to set an example and not to compromise your own self.
However the world is as it is, and I am only one person flying in the face of a lot of conflicting views, and it is tough going at the moment.
I can see how easy it would be to sink into the comforting patterns of normality, to stop pushing against the current. To settle. I point out to myself that there is nothing wrong with normal life - for those people whom it suits. I wonder if I have convinced myself it doesn't suit me for spurious reasons. I doubt myself.
I am, as is apparently obvious to everyone, madly in love with my Nice Guy right now - the past couple of weeks when we have spent so much time together has only made it the more clear, and it is also clear that we are well suited to spending a lot of time together, and would like to do so - the only question is whether the mono/polyamory issue will be a deal-breaker. Right now, I would be quite happy to snuggle up in bed with him for the next six months and forget the outside world exists. On past history though, I can't ignore the fact that at some point there will likely be a cooling off - As with C, with T, eventually while love stays, I start to want to bring other people back in, and that has been where the issues hit before.
In some ways I have been pushing myself to see other people before I really wanted to in the hope of establishing polyamory as a norm before any further relationship developed. I have enjoyed the feeling of freedom, while not necessarily wanting to act on things. I still like the idea of being 'single', and the freedom to act on the spur of the moment without having to ask for permission. I still feel that possessiveness is not necessary for a fulfilling relationship.
Career-wise things are pretty much the same - do I settle for a regular job on the treadmill, something that isn't quite what I want, or do I risk poverty holding out for the life I really intend? Troublesome decisions all round.
I still feel that compromise isn't necessary, I just wonder how hard do I have to push to get what I want, and what will get broken on the way.
posted by Miss Scarlet at 12:24 am
2 Comments:
I think of all the people I know, you're the one who most knows what they want. Different things are more important to you than others, but dammit there's times we all need animal sex and you're probably the only one of us who'll get it. In the nicest way, I'm envious of you, and I think you should stick to wanting what you want, not what you hope you might get. And I wish you every happiness
I know it's not easy. Especially when there's so much intolerance in the world. Plus the surrounding society is always putting pressure on those who are different to conform. But as cliche as it may sound, you really have to do what is best and right for you. I certainly have huge respect for you. Since you have the balls to be who you are. I just wish it would be easier for you. I hate to see you like this.
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