So we're three weeks into my period of celibacy. It's been odd, first staying with Nice Guy on a platonic basis - he was kind enough to put me up for a couple of weeks, as the trip to Canada wiped out a lot more of our savings than it should have done, and I needed a place to stay. Then moving into a studio flat with Mountain because neither of us could afford a separate place. We've been sharing a bed, but I've stuck to my vow, and he has mostly been a calming influence.
I'm not going to deny I miss it.
Since I was about 15 sex has been my favourite recreation, my stress relief, my daily exercise and my escape from the dullness of reality.
Sure I've had periods where I was single, or didn't have a partner nearby for weeks at a time, but it's been different this time. Harder, in that my stress levels are still sky high. At the moment we're relying on my sole income, and that's irregular at best, having spent everything we had left on our first month's rent, and not sure when the next money is coming in. Plus things are still so up in the air emotionally. On the other hand, it's been easier because while my body may have been yelling otherwise, mentally I haven't really wanted to. The damage we did in Canada is still hanging around, and I think will take some time to heal. 90% of the time right now, I start crying as soon as I get turned on -not exactly sexy!
So I have another week or so to go before I hit my minimum time, which happens to come just before the one year anniversary of Mountain and I first getting together. I didn't plan it that way, and I'm not even sure I'll be ready. I'm actually quite nervous about re-entering the world of sex again. I feel like an alcoholic contemplating going back to his former job as a wine-taster. Am I really going to be able to control it? Plus it has so many negative associations now, I'm not sure I even want to go back. Maybe I should go and find an agnostic convent...
The other issue playing on my mind is the Nice Guy/Mountain disaster. Ever since NG acted like a major idiot before christmas, Mountain has disapproved of my association with him. I can understand why, as they've not exactly seen the best side of each other, but it's a problem for me. Mountain is still probably my primary partner, and he's certainly the man I'm sharing a flat with for the near future, but NG is special to me too. He's been the friend who was there when I needed it most, my safe haven and shoulder to cry on, and before things went pear shaped last year, the most generous lover I've ever had. We had plenty of time to talk while I was staying there, and we're both well in agreement that we'd never work as primary partners again. I can see that he's learned (as have I) from what went wrong last year, and I'd very much like him back in my life, although on a less regular basis than we were, and not just on a platonic basis.
It's hard. Mountain has very carefully not given me an ultimatum (anyone giving me one of those usually gets an automatic goodbye, unless it's a safety issue), but he's made 'I might not be able to cope with this' type noises, of the sort I've learned to dread. I'd really like to get away from both of them for a good while, sort out my head and my business, and come back from a more independent position, *then* see how things go. I guess I can hope.
At least I'm going to be away for a few days - I'm going to go and spend some time with Optimus and Lawyer, and hopefully a few other friends from Friday to the middle of next week, and hopefully come back to the City refreshed and relaxed again. Have a good week, all!
Red.
x
