Home is a nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there.

In which there is loneliness, and wistful sighs.

One of the troubles with openness and honesty, is that I felt I ought to mention the existence of my blog to those people who have featured in it. The down-side of this is that it does make it harder to muse about things in the abstract, or to be totally open about things, because I know that what I write will be read by the people involved.
My online journal is no longer a passive record, but an active participant in some of my relationships, and I am aware that at least one of the people I care deeply about is uncomfortable around me because of it - because even though I am anonymous to the rest of the world, there are other members of our close-knit social group that read this log. It does make for some complicated issues around privacy.
I do wish everyone would talk to me though - if I *know* there are issues, it is a whole lot easier to do something about them! (That goes for all of you!) I don't bite. Well, not hard, anyway.

I have been back home with my family for a couple of days. It has been lovely, but I remember why I can't live with them. Same goes for my ex, C, who I visited yesterday, which reminded me both of why I was with him for so long, and why he is my ex.
He has offered me a room to rent at knockdown rates for when I am back in the UK, which is fairly kind of him, but I think it is a last resort shortly before moving in with my family, as they both live in the same small town that I was so desperate to get out of before, and I don't really want to end up there again. I feel like a city girl, at heart, so I am going to give that a proper try first, before I settle for anything else.

I have been feeling a bit lonely since I have been back. Nice Guy has been in contact a lot, via text, phone and email, and it has been much appreciated. I realise I am getting quite attached. Leaving again in January, once I have gone back after this trip, I think will be very hard. T on the other hand hasn't been in touch at all. He never really was one for communication of any sort, though. I miss him, but it is perhaps a case of out of sight, out of mind. Since I have been away, and not seeing him standing there in front of me every day, I am missing him more in the abstract than the specific.
Not to have someone there to hug when I need it, I think that will be the hardest thing to get used to.

Seeing my lovely friend, Lawyer today, which should be fabulous, and we will be very camp together, and I am debating with myself whether I should go and stay at C's house tonight. Sharing a bed would be lovely, I must admit, but I don't know if I want to cut my time with Lawyer short. Me? Turning down sex for a platonic evening with a gay man? Well, possibly... Maybe I am getting old.

Quick Update

Just a quicky today, as I am in W's house, and shortly to head off for a shopping and spa trip with L and Tigger and Miss Sunshine. Had a lovely time with Duchess, and yes the last couple of days have involved my favourite three things (that is, tea, bacon sandwiches and multiple orgasms). Oh the joys of being spoiled by lovely friends!

Feeling a lot more myself since I am away from the Goldfish Bowl. Still wondering what on earth I have done to my life, but a bit more hopeful about things.

Will catch up more soon.

Going Home

I am sat at Duchess's desk, drinking tea and wrapped in a big fluffy shawl - my god, being here really makes me appreciate the joys of both a warm climate, and central heating, and I had been spoiled enough to have both back in the Goldfish Bowl.

Had a lovely sendoff from Nice Guy, involving yes indeed, my favourite trio of things. I could get quite spoiled, I am sure.
My beloved T dropped me off at the airport though, with only a cursory peck. I do wish things weren't so changed between us. We are still friends, but I think that is all, now.
I kick myself again for having messed up on so many things, and most of all having lied. It is the trust, most of all, that is irreparable. I can still see the hurt on his face when we hug. Perhaps sleeping with someone else didn't take anything away from him - in fact, I know it didn't, but lying to him, even by omission - that took away the most special thing between us, and I will always regret that. We still care about each other though, and are treating each other with respect, even if we are both tiptoeing round each other a little, unsure of the suddenly changed territory. I hope, with time, and a great deal of respect (yes, a lot more than I showed him before, damn my idiocy), that I can repair the trust between us someday.

I do realise though, through all this, I have perhaps been unconsciously subscribing to the monogamist view that there is a 'one' out there for me, that will, if not provide everything for me, 'allow' me to go and get my other needs met elsewhere, and that this is dangerous thinking. While it is not an excuse for the way I acted with T, I think it goes some way towards explaining the fear of losing him that made me act dishonestly.

But why should there be a 'one'? Why not a 'many'? Why not a group? And why should I have to ask anyone's permission to be myself? With such a varied collection of tastes as I have, it seems ridiculous to look for one, or even two people to fill all the niches. Perhaps it is possible, but statistically unlikely! And who is to say that what I have with my friends and 'fuck-buddies' isn't love, anyway?
Ultimately, I remind myself that I alone am responsible for my happiness, and relying on anyone else, even if it is the socially accepted norm, is just plain silly.

Perhaps it is arrogant to go against the mores of society, and believe I know better - I have had even lovers tell me so, but you know what? I have looked at the attitudes of people who are successful, in business, in life, in love, and the people who end up satisfied are the ones who refuse to compromise - no matter what it is that they are after. And the people around them, too - When a person is satisfied within themselves, their loved ones benefit as well.

I do not intend to hurt anyone. I am not a 'sexual predator', and in fact have always preferred to cause myself endless grief rather than hurt other people's feelings - maybe partly why I got into my current mess. I shall be open and upfront about who I am, and what I want out of things, but for now I am done with compromising myself for other people's values, however lovely those people may be.

I will stick to my year of being single, and then I will reassess. Maybe I will decide that there are reasons for bending. I can see that there might be issues with real-world limits - time, safety, and simplicity - juggling a large social calendar is always complicated, after all. But I will give my intended lifestyle a proper chance *before* I change my plans. Up until now, I have always gone into things the other way - played things the monogamous way first, and hoped I could get my way later. That is what I intend to avoid this time around. No more passive-agressive, no more pleading for rules to be relaxed, this time, the rules are mine.

It will no doubt be hard, especially if I am very open about my lifestyle and my views. I may lose friends (although I doubt I will lose any close ones, as they already know what I am like, and I am grateful already for the support they have given me over the last few weeks and months), I may alienate family, I may find issues within the workplace. I am sure there will be unforeseen difficulties as well, but over the next year, once I have left the Goldfish Bowl, for the whole of 2007 in fact, I will not compromise. I will be my own person, I will support myself, and I will not be limited by anyone else's values, even, ironically, if that means that I end up sleeping with nobody at all.

I can feel it even now - I am fighting the attitudes of society within my own head - that 'slutty' behaviour, especially for women, leads inevitably to bad things, to disease, to unwanted pregnancy, to emotional pain. Even, if you believe popular culture, to rape and murder (anyone who thinks a promiscuous woman is 'asking for it' deserves to be treated that way themselves, in my view, but that is for another day). And indeed, what if I am not even sleeping with multiple, but am just having romantic relationships with more than one person?
I still remember the look on T's face when I told him I was falling in love with someone else as well as him, and how very threatened he was - perhaps, looking back, that's the day I lost respect for him enough to lie. Oh wishing things had ended there and then, if that is true, wishing I had realised what was going on in my own head. A dangerous word, 'love'.

I am an idealist. I want my relationships with people to be based on the joy of being together, and not on the fear of being apart. Whether that is one day a year, the occasional cup of tea, or waking up together every morning. *That* is what I am fighting for.

Gosh, that was an unexpected rant! Right, I am off shopping now, and no doubt there will be further tea with the Duchess later, as she is having a bit of a dinner party. I am looking forward to socialising again as myself and not as the 'good girl' I was pretending to be in the Goldfish Bowl. I can't wait!

Update - Email!

I have been meaning to set up email for a while, and finally got around to it - If you are a reader of this blog, and don't wish to comment publically, even in anonymous mode, or indeed, you want a direct reply to your comment, then please feel free to email me at AScarletWoman@gmail.com

It might be a couple of weeks before I check it again, as I am going away, but it will be read eventually!

Sex, Tea and a Damn Good Chat

In which there is excitement, nervousness, and many cups of tea.


This picture just about sums things up for me, really. Nothing I love doing more, than having a good debate over a cup of steaming hot tea, and then a roll in the hay afterwards. Or indeed the same in reverse order - Either way, perfect!

Stopped by Nice Guy's again this morning, asking an opinion on my latest project, and ended up staying for multiple cups of tea, and indeed orgasms. Lovely!

Have left the packing for my trip home until the last minute, as I always do, so that is my plan for the rest of the day.

I can't wait to see everybody, and catch up. It will be strange, too, that everyone is suddenly single all at once.
In the last couple of weeks, both the Busybee (formerly B) and the gorgeous Duchess (formerly known as N) have separated themselves from their respective partners, and wicked old A has been single for a little while now. Then there is L, my lesbian friend, and C who is my ex, and W* who I really must contact - last time I saw him I discovered he knew the owners of a fetish club that I would really like to visit, and I hadn't known for ages.
A whole candy store! Though I am a little nervous about seeing everyone again, wondering whether things will have changed hugely since I last saw them. Plus things have got so complicated out here, I seem to have internalised a little of the prejudice against multiple partners while I have been in the goldfish bowl, and I have a slight feeling of 'things will go wrong, somehow'. Hopefully the next fortnight will lay that to rest again, and all will be the happy sharing of pleasure between friends again, and of course, many cups of tea, rather than messy 'relationship' (i.e. monogamist) stuff.

And of course, there are all my platonic friends, Miss Sunshine, and Tigger, and Lawyer, and my gay fiancée, and all the people from the coffee shop, where I used to hang out, and S, who is in a monogamous relationship, but I will still have tea with him, and I am sure there are a couple of people I have forgotten as well.

So much to pack into two weeks! Hopefully I will manage to get online at some point, but in case I don't, I will update when I get back.

xx

(*Note to self: must rename my playmates - initials get too confusing when some of them begin with the same letter!)

Wish I could get used to this...

In which there is much pleasantness, for a change.

Nice Guy often tries to pretend he isn't really nice - and occasionally even succeeds. So when I saw this gorgeous drawing, I was rather reminded of him (especially since that's the face he pulls sometimes when I call him a Nice Guy, tee hee).

Do check out the link, it's well worth reading the little description that goes with the picture, and of course the larger version!


Anyway, I ended up staying over at NG's house again last night. T was playing on the computer, as usual, and I wanted to go out, so I went with NG to the pub, and as is frequent habit followed him back home afterwards, and got the surliest invitation to stay the night ever - I swear my eyebrows nearly popped off my forehead they raised so high, but I grinned at the forthrightness of it, and hopped into bed. Never was one to pass up a good hug.

Fast forward to now, it is some 12 hours since I left his place, and I swear I am still glowing a little. I think every day should start with multiple orgasms, tea and bacon sandwiches. Call me shallow, but if I could have that *every* morning, I might actually start to consider monogamy (and admittedly, probably discount it, since I'd miss whichever gender I wasn't seeing, but hey, it's still a statement!).
Still, bacon sandwiches or not, I have promised myself I will be single for at least the next year after I am out of here, and I will be leaving in not that many weeks. Guess I will be making my own breakfasts for a while!

Haven't seen much of T today, I got home at lunchtime and he rushed out, and then I have been working on an urgent project non-stop since, with just this brief break to catch up online. I feel somewhat guilty about it, but then I remember we aren't 'together' any more, and I don't quite know what to feel - it will be strange being more like house mates 'til January, when we had been a couple for so long, and we are both still working out how we feel about each other, I think.
At least he seems to be ok with my spending more time with NG. Life would be pretty lonely at the moment, otherwise, I think. Maybe it's paranoia, but I am feeling quite excluded from everyone else's social life in the goldfish bowl - I am starting to wonder if people are avoiding me because of Indiscreet Guy, and my new reputation as an I-don't-know-what.

Thanks heavens for Tuesday - I am heading back home for a couple of weeks, and get to see people that know me, and love, or at least accept me for who I am. I can't wait.

Stay of Execution

In which I am reprieved.

Miracles can be encouraged, it seems. Nice Guy spoke to T, last night, and defused the situation somewhat, for which I am most grateful, then we had a lovely evening out as a big group, as well, and afterwards I shared a bed with T for the first time in a while. I talked to him again in the morning, with hugs and kisses, and promised that I would be on my best behaviour if I can stay until January to give me the time to tie up all my loose ends.

So I will be away visiting for a fortnight from Tuesday, then I am back in the goldfish bowl until January 23rd. Fingers crossed, I think I can cope until then - I have plans to learn a couple of new hobbies to keep me occupied, and lots of freelance work in the run-up to Christmas so I can save the pennies ready for my new life.

Damn Damn Damn Damn Damn

In which my world crumbles, AGAIN, and I try to be positive.

Me and my big mouth. Slightly more shit has hit fans thanks to the goldfish bowl effect, and Nice Guy told me about some further implications of what has gone on with Indiscreet Idiot - that gossip might have complicated things in T's work, which is very not good. (Technically not my fault if it has, but that is not really helping anything)
Then I bump into T on the landing, so I can't just leave it alone and let NG tell him for me, like the plan was, I have to blurt. NG would no doubt have handled it better, but it is a little late now, and T has just had enough. As things stand, I'm kicked out again as of next week, and for good, unless by some miracle T changes his mind.

I go home on Tuesday, and I guess that is where I will stay. Four days to pack my entire life up, including today, and I haven't even slept yet. Maybe it's for the best, but it is still a shock to be unsettled again so soon, when I thought I had until new year.
I think some part of me was still thinking if I could just manage to stay long enough, maybe I could fix the mess I had made, and find some way to stay on a more permanent basis. Despite knowing that staying here is not healthy for me, despite not being able to agree on a compromise with T, and despite the damage I had done to his trust even while I was attempting to turn over a new leaf in terms of honesty.
Stupid, stupid me. A high IQ does not make anyone wise. There comes a time when things are just plain broken, and trying over and over just hurts everybody.

I am in mourning for my dead relationship, and the fact that it was probably my stupid and thoughtless actions that killed it makes it only the worse. I can only wish I'd been honest sooner - we might have ended sooner as well, but I can only think that it would have hurt everyone concerned a whole lot less.

On the positive side - I guess I just get to start my bright new life a month or two early. A new job, a new home, and a new single lifestyle - the first time I have been really single in my adult life, for more than a couple of weeks. I am looking forward to staying out late and not having to worry about people back home, to knowing that I am spending my own money, and not cutting into joint funds, to not having rules except those I choose for myself. To friendships, and to casual dating, and to being as brazen as I like about being bisexual, and an 'ethical slut', without worrying about what will affect my partner and his straight laced work life.

Ok, I admit it, I am terrified. But I hope that all those things will come, anyway. I have done plenty of things in the past that I was terrified of, I just double-check that it's an irrational fear and power on through the pain. Plenty of people have made new starts, and lived well to tell the tale. I am young, capable (usually) and strong. I will just have to do the same.

A Moment of Calm

In which there are orgasms, tea, cookies, and patience.

This weekend was lovely. Friday was a good night out with T, as was the fancy dress night on Saturday. Nice Guy has been ill, else he would have been out with us too, but I popped round to show him my costume later on.

Sunday was a deliciously lazy day at home, reminded me of why I was with T in the first place. We pottered round the house until mid afternoon, there was bacon sandwiches and tea, and then we sat down to watch a film together in the evening, curled on the sofa, stopping half way through for a bout of spontaneous baking - the word 'cookies' came up in the film, and I simply couldn't help myself. T humoured me and joined in with excellent grace, and cookies were made shortly thereafter.
Later on I took some of the aforementioned cookies around to NG's house - wasn't planning anything other than a quick cup of tea and baked goods delivery, but somehow ended up staying until well after midnight, and 'distracting him' from feeling ill. Apparently playing with me made him forget all about his aches and pains for the duration - must remember that one for the future!

As for the rest, my patience is still holding out. With much application of tea, I might actually make it until I get back home and see A and everyone else without doing anything silly. I am counting down the days though (eight left).
I am very much looking forward to getting out of the goldfish bowl for a bit and seeing my friends. A is conveniently single for the first time since I have known him. If he has his way, public indecency charges may ensue.

T commented to me, driving back from the party on Saturday night, that he was surprised, having told me I could do whatever I wanted as long as it was not in his house, that I was not off having sex with everything that moved. I think I am a little bit insulted by that, and shocked that he doesn't know me better after all this time, even if I have been 'unpredictable' lately - I am actually rather picky about the people I sleep with, barring the odd one or two when I am lacking other options.
Everything that moves is not my style - everything that moves and can hold its own in a discussion about say, quantum physics, etymology, complex morality or the pros and cons of different Linux distributions, to name some possible topics, that is more my thing (- even Indiscreet Guy conversed very well on the subject of rock climbing, and a few other things - just a shame he couldn't stop talking, afterwards). I talk first, play later.

The thing that frustrated me most about the rules was always that I was limited in what I could do with the people I was involved with, not that I was limited as to who. Now the imposed limits are lifted, I am not going to go messing around with people that I wouldn't normally just for the sake of it, but if any of my friends back home are up for it, then yes, I will be right there, and happily.

I do make things hard for myself.

In which another mistake comes back to bite me.

I must work on my patience, clearly. This includes not pushing people into things simply because I don't want to wait, not sulking when I don't get my way, and taking more time to check people out before I get involved in anything.

The other week, I was having a bit of a night out at the pub, I was still with T, but things were rocky, and I was feeling frustrated and tipsy, so when the power went off I went back down and had a bit of a flirt with a guy I had been talking to the previous week. Wasn't planning on anything of the sort, but my judgement had clearly switched off, and one thing managed to lead to another. Didn't break any rules, but I certainly did more than I planned. Morning arrived, thought 'hmm, that was a bad idea', and moved on.

Unfortunately it turns out the guy was a bit of a bastard, and Nice Guy overheard him actually boasting about his experiences in a public place. Yuck. Even if we were not in a goldfish bowl environment that would be bloody rude.

So I have had to talk to T about it, just to warn in case he finds people whispering, which is not a nice thing to have to do, but was better that he heard it from me first rather than someone else. I must admit, I hadn't told him in the first place that it happened, which might have been a better plan, but really with everything else that was going on, it was just such a tiny thing in a pile of bigger ones, that it got dropped to the bottom of the pile.

And I have had to face NG looking disappointed at me, as well. He was under the impression that it was just him and T, at least at the moment, so finding out otherwise by overhearing this guy was a bit of a shock to the system, I think. It really hadn't occurred to me that he'd want to know. The fact that the guy turned out to be a complete tosspot as well - doesn't say much for my recent judgement, sadly. He had said to me I ought to get another playmate, anyway, to avoid 'wearing him out', so I was in process of looking.

I am learning late that not everyone in the world is as they seem, and not everyone is intelligent or nice. I must also learn to make sure people are trustworthy before I go off with them. Or learn to give a false name (oops, hehe, I just cannot do a whole self-deprecating post without being tongue in cheek somewhere).

Must do better.

So as things stand, I am definitely single, but keeping it fairly low key not to make things more complicated. T and I are not sleeping together. NG is taking things slow, or at least slower than I would be, and I can understand that. He doesn't want to complicate things either, even if T does say I can do whatever I want as long as it's not in his house. I don't mind too much. First and foremost, he is a friend, and a very good man to know, and anything else is really a bonus.
Plus I have a suspicion that he's worth waiting for, even if it is many months down the line.

I will likely be staying here til Christmas, apart from the fortnight's holiday back home (less than two weeks away now), and I don't see much changing between now and then.

A good time to start working on my patience then. And maybe to get a new vibrator.

It never rains...

After Sunday I was planning on laying low until I left here, whenever that turns out to be. However I got some news last night that might have messed things up for me even more, and it's going to be hard work fixing this.
More details once I have spoken to T.

Good Advice

Wish I had read more of my links. It is too late to help now, but some of the series listed at the top of this page would have been so useful to me back before I messed up. Especially "Jealousy Management for Love and Profit
or, how to fix a broken refrigerator" - It is a better explanation of my take on jealousy and relationship rules than I could have written myself. I have emailed the link to T, hoping he will take it as an attempt to step towards understanding mine, rather than an attack on his principles.

I have been asking myself over and over again why I couldn't get things sorted at the time, why I couldn't stick to rules, and why I kept it secret so long.
I am not trying to make excuses for myself so much as trying to understand where I went wrong so that I can not do it again.

Why didn't I get things sorted at the time? Here is one of my worst faults, impetuosity. I couldn't wait. I was so sure that the problem would be solved at a later date that I simply jumped the gun.
How arrogant of me to assume that what made sense to me would make sense to him. I would just have to explain it properly when I had time. I have since tried to explain it 'properly', but my speech, my plea, my logic, made no sense to him, and perhaps never will. I kick myself.

Why I couldn't stick to rules? Well, even T said he could understand that. Hormones revved, organs said hello and brain switched off. I am not good on willpower. As my beloved knows, we can't even keep junk food in the house without it mysteriously disappearing -even if it is a kind of junk food I don't like that much.

But why did I not 'fess up straight away? I broke the rules, I should have instantly known there was discussion needed, I should have done the work. I guess some part of me was scared of exactly this eventuality - Now T knows that I broke the Rule, and we are breaking up. I am well aware that my concealment of the fact only added to the betrayal of trust, but if I had told him at the time, would we still have been together?
Plus, like the addict who refuses to admit to the problem, I refused to admit that this was a need of mine, and I swore to myself that it would never happen again. The fact that I was under a constant weight of guilt did in fact help my willpower, but it was only a matter of time.

So why now? After all this time, why has it only just come out that I broke the rule way back when?
I have done a lot of thinking over the past year or so, since we further opened our relationship, and polyamory became a more major part of my life, rather than something I simply daydreamed about. I have had to examine and re-examine my moral codes frequently. I have come into contact with more people, and *their* morals, as well, and it is actually my concern for my other lovers that prompted the big debate.

As I mentioned in a previous entry, I was tempted to break the rules. But doing so would involve not just trampling on T's feelings, but also compromising my own morals again *and* those of the person I broke the rules with. And the person I really wanted to go there with was NG - particularly because he has a passion for a certain kind of sex that matches mine where T doesn't always. However, I like and respect NG, and he is a man of decency and honour, and more importantly knew what the rules were when he got involved, so unless the rules changed, it was not going to happen. And still won't, most likely, until it is 100% cut and dried that T and I are apart, which may not be until after I have left here. (Sometimes the trouble with Nice Guys is that they will not embark on something that might turn out to be a bad idea)

So I belatedly tried to do the right thing, which was get agreement from T - and was far too pushy, of course, because my libido was involved more than my brain, and here I am now suffering for it.

I have messed up, and messed up, and messed up. Three things I have learned from my introspection today are:

*Honesty needs to come first, not after the fact.
*Penetrative sex is a need, not something I can go without.
*I still love T, and despite feeling that I have lost something very special, I can't quite give up hope that someday, with a lot of nurturing, we might be healed again.

There is a song trilling through my inner ear at the moment- I learned it when I was in school -it seems sadly ironic at the moment though.

The Magic Penny

Love is something if you give it away,
Give it away, give it away.
Love is something if you give it away,
You end up having more.

It's just like a magic penny,
Hold it tight and you won't have any.
Lend it, spend it, and you'll have so many
They'll roll all over the floor.

For love is something if you give it away,
Give it away, give it away.
Love is something if you give it away,
You end up having more.

Money's dandy and we like to use it,
But love is better if you don't refuse it.
It's a treasure and you'll never lose it
Unless you lock up your door.

For love is something if you give it away,
Give it away, give it away.
Love is something if you give it away,
You end up having more.

So let's go dancing till the break of day,
And if there's a piper, we can pay.
For love is something if you give it away,
You end up having more.

For love is something if you give it away,
Give it away, give it away.
Love is something if you give it away,
You end up having more.

I hope against hope that someday those lyrics will ring true for me. Right now, I am wondering if I will be getting a crash course in celibacy over the next couple of weeks.

Crumpled T-shirts and Crumbling Sanity

Finding his t-shirt tangled up with the clothes on my shelf made me crumple into a heap on the bed. It is hard getting it through my own head that this is really happening. Or is it happening again? I am so confused lately.

The last couple of days have been draining, and I am very tired. After the final split yesterday, I hung around in case my no longer life-partner wanted to talk, but he wanted to watch DVDs instead, so I went out - not many places to go around here, so it ended up being Nice Guy's house. He had to go out, but left me the run of his house as a sanctuary, along with tea and a very comforting bacon sandwich, much appreciated. Sometimes having my own room is not enough, and this is such a backwater place that in the middle of a Sunday afternoon I would probably have to drive for an hour or so to find a coffee shop open.
I am looking forward to getting back into civilisation, and with any luck, not having to drive all the time again. I never thought I would say it, but I really miss public transport.

I still feel like an idiot, but pressing myself to move on and learn. It is hard though. I should start packing soon, but the tiniest thing sets me off.
I guess up to now I was still somehow hoping it would all work out. Well, it will, but it will work out in terms of he and I not being together.

We went out for drinks last night, T, myself, NG and a couple of other guys, and it was actually fun. We are all still friends (well, NG hasn't done anything wrong, but I think it is still rather good of T to not be throwing spite wherever it could possibly go) and I think on evidence, everything will be amicable and hopefully go smoothly enough. In some ways that makes it all so much harder - if we hated each other, the leaving might hurt less.

I have been avoiding sex since Sunday. I am not sure why, as it is not as though I have anything to lose, but I have been as platonic as can be with NG, and kept well away from breakup sex with T so far as well. It feels like a kind of penance. There has been a lot of tea instead.

I am so very very tired.

Off-Topic - PostSecret

I sent an e-card into PostSecret - I am proud of the design work that went into it, but I can't display it anywhere else without giving away my identity. Whereas this blog, for reasons of society being the way it is, is anonymous.



If you are not already aware of the massive community art project, do go and check out the link. It is a link to humanity, in an otherwise quite inhuman world, and often very touching.

Maybe one day I will send in the real secret as well.

Just What I Deserved

What can I say?

I compromised myself, and I broke an agreement I had with my beloved, and then I compounded things by not being honest about it at the time. Now I am reaping the consequences.

It was a fair while ago, before I started blogging about polyamory, but it came up this morning because I was once again arguing with my love, about the ice cream analogy and not being able to do what I wanted with other people making things *less* rather than more special between us in my view. He asked me if it was such a difficult thing to ask of me, how had I coped with sticking to what we agreed before we moved? I couldn't lie to him outright, even if I had by omission before. The answer: I didn't.

If I was like 99% of the population, I guess I could have kept on being dishonest about it, had my fun on the side while my loved one carried on in blissful ignorance, and maybe we could have had a long and otherwise happy relationship. But I hate the idea of being dishonest with people I care about, and I hate the idea of living with the constant nagging little fear of being caught out - that is just not on. I try to be different. I try to be better. I try to always keep my promises, despite temptation otherwise. Sometimes I fail.

I still believe in honesty, and I still believe polyamory is right for me. I guess it is my love that isn't, and I should probably have accepted that a long time ago, but I didn't want to let go. As he said to me a few minutes ago, he can understand why I did it, but he will never trust me again. It hurts a lot, but I can't argue with him on that.

I still love him, he loves me still, I think, but he's right. We aren't a couple any more. We will stay in touch, and hopefully stay friends, but I guess I will be moving again, and looking for work very shortly.

Lessons will be learned from this.


As Alice would say (In Wonderland, that is):

I give myself very good advice,
But I very seldom follow it,
That explains the trouble that I'm always in,
Be patient, is very good advice,
But the waiting makes me curious,
And I'd love the change,
Should something strange begin,
Well I went along my merry way,
And I never stopped to reason,
I should have know there'd be a price to pay,
Someday...someday,
I give myself very good advice,
But I very seldom follow it,
Will I ever learn to do the things I should?
Will I ever learn to do the things I should?

[edit]

Oops, but Mmm, and 11 Things

Missed my only commitment of the morning because I was in Nice Guy's kitchen, too busy enjoying myself to go elsewhere - revenge, I think for my making him late for work yesterday.

Still, I cannot fault a man who provides bacon sandwiches, multiple cups of tea, and other things of a multiple nature, all before 11am.

I have been reading all over the web it seems like, this meme called '11 Things', and I don't dare post it anywhere else, but for catharsis, my anonymous blog seems like a good place!

The rules:

* List 11 things you want to say to 11 different people.

* Don't say who they pertain to.

* Feel free to comment, but don't confirm or answer anything.

* Never discuss it again.

(they are in mostly randomised order)

1. I often wonder if I should have slept with you after all, instead of turning you down because I thought you'd regret it, and whether it would have changed anything. I wish I saw more of you. I also wish you would stop pulling those damned ugly faces all the time, because otherwise you're actually quite sexy!

2. I am trying very hard to not care about two of you, because I think you might be secretly trying to destroy your own lives. I hope you both prove me wrong.

3. I sometimes wonder if I am more attracted to the idea of you than to the real person.

4. It was a relief when you found someone else. Now I don't feel responsible for you any more.

5. I sometimes think I left to get away from you. I wonder if someday I will stop caring about you, and then you will chase me, instead of vice versa. I worry almost every day that your existence makes me a hypocrite.

6. I wish I had met you ten years later.

7. I wish I had met you ten years earlier.

8. I can't remember if I slept with you or not, and I daren't actually ask.

9. I am sorry I lied about whether I had sex with you, but I hope you at least appreciated my cover story telling everyone you were well-endowed.

10. I haven't felt anywhere near so attracted to you since I found out you were more talk than action.

11. I know it is impossible, but I still fantasize about being the father of your baby. I still don't hate him though, for taking you away, I just want to kiss him for making you happy. I can't help but keep hoping that some day we will be friends.

(12. I lied to you, and I'm only sorry that I'm not actually sorry. It's not as if you'll ever know. I am not sure whether I have learned my lesson or not.)

Oops, ran over by one - it's surprisingly hard to stop once you really get going!

I notice, reading through after myself, that they are almost all sex-related. I guess I really do have a one-track mind, but that is what this blog is about! Still, my lovers and friends are like family to me, and I am grateful for every one.

Embarrassment

I am somewhat embarrassed about how I reacted on Sunday. I should be adult enough occasionally to not get my way and not have it blow up into an enormous row, and the fact that I rowed with my beloved about it still bothers me. I will try to learn from this.
I still believe that his reasoning is non-existent, but I will work on it in a sane and understanding manner, and carry on aiming for full and informed consent from all quarters. I am not going to stoop to emotional blackmail just because he is doing so without meaning to.
I am an adult, and I am a sane and rational person, and I *will* behave as such, whether other people around me are or not.

Sometimes it would just be so much easier to lie and cheat.