Do I want what I think I want?

What do I think I want?

I think I want:

-a flexible career,
-a life in the city
-absolute freedom to do what i want, when i want
-support, love and friendship from a wide network of loves

I believe these things are achievable, idealistic or not. However, lately I have been forced to question myself continuously, through accident, through debate with people near to me, and through coming crashing into contact with a real world i have managed to avoid for an awfully long time.

I believe a lot of people settle for less than they really want. The word 'compromise' is a pet hate of mine - I believe very strongly that if everyone refused to compromise on their ideals, the world would be a much nicer place, and the only way to improve on things is to set an example and not to compromise your own self.
However the world is as it is, and I am only one person flying in the face of a lot of conflicting views, and it is tough going at the moment.
I can see how easy it would be to sink into the comforting patterns of normality, to stop pushing against the current. To settle. I point out to myself that there is nothing wrong with normal life - for those people whom it suits. I wonder if I have convinced myself it doesn't suit me for spurious reasons. I doubt myself.

I am, as is apparently obvious to everyone, madly in love with my Nice Guy right now - the past couple of weeks when we have spent so much time together has only made it the more clear, and it is also clear that we are well suited to spending a lot of time together, and would like to do so - the only question is whether the mono/polyamory issue will be a deal-breaker. Right now, I would be quite happy to snuggle up in bed with him for the next six months and forget the outside world exists. On past history though, I can't ignore the fact that at some point there will likely be a cooling off - As with C, with T, eventually while love stays, I start to want to bring other people back in, and that has been where the issues hit before.
In some ways I have been pushing myself to see other people before I really wanted to in the hope of establishing polyamory as a norm before any further relationship developed. I have enjoyed the feeling of freedom, while not necessarily wanting to act on things. I still like the idea of being 'single', and the freedom to act on the spur of the moment without having to ask for permission. I still feel that possessiveness is not necessary for a fulfilling relationship.
Career-wise things are pretty much the same - do I settle for a regular job on the treadmill, something that isn't quite what I want, or do I risk poverty holding out for the life I really intend? Troublesome decisions all round.

I still feel that compromise isn't necessary, I just wonder how hard do I have to push to get what I want, and what will get broken on the way.

Mmmmm yes...

Right this minute there is a beautiful woman, and a rather sexy man in my bed, chatting happily and letting breakfast go down, and I am looking at them with a big smile on my face, despite having had only about five hours sleep. It's an idyllic scene - sunrise through the window, two people I love being happy and contented. It makes me feel so fluffy.

Another eventful week. I did make it to Torture Garden, but Mountain (my chocolate loving friend) and his lady frustratingly did not - I got a call about ten fifteen in the evening, already dressed up and ready to go, sitting in CCK and lacing my new boots to say she was upset and he was taking her home.
Well, I can't deny I was a bit frustrated - I'd been looking forward to meeting them both for weeks, and looking forward to being introduced to TG, and I'd put an enormous amount of effort into my outfit. Plus there was no way I was going to get my money back on the ticket that late in the day, so I shrugged stoically, straightened my feather-boa clad shoulders, and marched in there to attempt to at least partially salvage my evening. Spent the night wandering around talking to people, being an interested observer rather than joining in, but I did at least get to know a few faces, including a couple of people it would be very nice to see again. I am very glad that I gave up being shy whilst I was at university.
Nice Guy will probably be in town for the next one, so I may go back - he is visiting the City at the moment, and I will be spending the best part of the next three weeks with him - and I am sure it will be the best part.

Monday I was up til ridiculously late talking to Nice Guy online - he has bought me a webcam, so it has been given a thorough testing lately. Keeping us both up til ridiculous hours of the morning again. Much as I love him, I do need to get the willpower together and get some sleep at some point soon.
Tuesday night was a gallery opening with Optimus and his family, and dinner afterwards. We stayed overnight with a close family friend, played in the morning and it was all very lovely, and fluffy. He has become quite a large part of my life in quite a short time. I find I love him like a brother, if a particularly incestuous one - he asked me what happens at the end of my 'year of freedom' - would there still be a space for him in my life? It was so poignant. If I am honest, I am not entirely sure, but my gut feeling is that there will be a bond between us for many years to come.

The rest of the week mostly involved getting ready for NG's arrival. I so wanted things to be perfect for him - not that it was to be. I was late meeting him from the airport, my parcels failed to arrive, we got lost on the way back from the hotel the next morning, only to finally arrive at my door to discover I had locked my keys inside and not noticed from the previous night.
By the time we were ready to go out and meet Miss Sunshine in the City we were tired, irritable and snapping at each other. Things improved so hugely when we finally met up though. We spent a fantastically chatty couple of hours in my beloved coffee shop, flirting, giggling and entertaining the entire place. Had a very tasty dinner over which we flirted and giggled slightly more subtly. By the time we got back to my house, we were all cosy and at ease and things just flowed perfectly.

We had a wonderful time last night, and took plenty of pictures for the benefit of Miss Sunshine's husband, Gadget - part of the 'payment' for my getting to borrow her for the night. And this morning... I'm off back to pay attention to two of my favourite people. I wish all of you as good a week as mine, if not better!

x

Wow, where did February go?

So the last fortnight has been another eventful one. - My gosh I have been too busy doing to blog about it! I have found a new place to rent, (furnished, with the most perfect bed for bondage, a glorious wall feature made of branches, and sexy polished wood floor!) and moved in.
I went to the friends of Coffee, Cake and Kink meeting and picked up some temporary work, which has been handy, and will be back next week to do some voluntary work there to help out - I swear, I will be moving in at some point!

Went to Cambridge to hear Optimus play in a concert, and had my first experience of electroplay - oh my gosh that was intense! I seem to have altered his perceptions a bit lately, and he has gone from believing that monogamy was the best option for him to realising that in fact, we are in a polyamorous relationship of sorts and it suits him just fine - he wrote some rather flattering things about me in his own blog (which for reasons of privacy I won't link to, however).

Met my chocolate loving friend again for dinner a couple of times (true to form, he cooked me steak with dark chocolate sauce - very tasty!) - I am meeting his significant other for the first time at the weekend, as we are all three going to Torture Garden, which will be my first time - this is the first wardrobe crisis I have had in years, as I don't have any real fetish wear, and all my more theatrical clothing is still residing in the Goldfish Bowl with T where I can't get at it in time. Also the boots I was planning to wear have been living with Duchess since December, and apparently have unfortunately broken whilst they were in her keeping, so I really am not sure what to replace them with that isn't going to cost me more than I can afford to spend. Especially between now and Saturday!
I am a bit nervous about meeting the S.O. concerned - partly because she has apparently been rather worried about his involvement with me - she is very new to the concept of polyamory, and I am very much hoping to both make a good impression, and set any fears at rest that she may have at the same time - I am not interested in stealing her partner, more in adding to what they already have!

Looking forward hugely to next friday, when I get to see my beloved Nice Guy again (*starting to think he might need a less generic nickname, now that he is a long-term fixture- Hunnymonster may be appearing in his stead in the coming weeks!)
- there has been a lot of discussion over the status and state of our our relationship over the last two weeks.
NG used the 'L word' for the first time without qualifiers, which I think came as something of a relief, and I have started wondering what I actually really mean by the word 'single', anyway.

At the moment I seem to be having my cake and eating it as well - I am single so far as I have no limits on my behaviour other than self-imposed ones, but I have all the support and the fluffy feelings that come from being in a relationship - actually in my mind, this is polyamory.
The love and acceptance of people exactly as they are, as they fit into your life and vice versa, without trying to mould things into anything else.

We still have a lot to discuss - he is not used to the idea of poly, and is still uncomfortable with some aspects of it. There has been a lot of talking, a lot of long phone calls and late night messaging, and a lot of reassurance needed on both sides.
On his part needing help dealing with insecurities and fears brought to light by my now starting to see other new people, having been accidentally monogamous whilst in the Goldfish Bowl, by the change in situation and the struggle of his being stuck back there while I am living the life I want to in the City.
On my side, fears that I am going to end up in another situation like I ended up in with T, where I started out in a very much open relationship, moved in together by accident and found myself edged into monogamy after he realised we were 'serious', with painful and disastrous results when I tried to move things back the way I really wanted and needed them to be.

I am determined to stick to my year of freedom, and he wants very much to support me in this, even if it gets a bit uncomfortable at times - the fact that he believes I am worth the effort is rather touching, and I love him all the more for it.

What's to come next year? That's a thing to decide many months down the line, but I hope it will involve much more time for us to be together, and love, and freedom, and well... I am far too old to believe in happy ever afters, but it would be nice to think of a good many years of honesty, openness and caring for each other.

Right now, though, I am as single as I need to be, and living life to the full, and this is good. I will attempt to blog more often, just to keep up with things, but I know the next few weeks are going to be equally hectic. I haven't forgotten about you though!

Carmine
x