Vacation

There are seagulls hooting, and songbirds twittering outside, the windows are open and there's a warm breeze just floating through, everything sounds and feels like summer. I'm sat in the office at work for the last time. I handed in my notice some weeks back, but it hasn't felt really real up until now. I'm not sure it still does.
I'm leaving - heading into the unknown with my partner and a few meagre savings and a lot of good intentions.
So the upshot of this really is that I will probably be offline for a few weeks, and even if I am around, I don't know how much I will have to say, so just in case you're all holding your breaths for my next entry - it may happen, but no guarantees!
Hopefully I will be back properly around mid-August, assuming all goes well with the move. In the meantime I will try to get some of my older entries back up, with necessary changes, as I know some of you hadn't finished reading.
Wish me luck!

x

And Another

For complicated reasons, I have had to pull most of my posts, at least on a temporary basis. I will be back though, in one form or another.

x

A Long Sigh

This world makes me sad.

Some days I go out into the world and I feel like a child again, and it is not a good feeling, it makes me want to cry. I want to believe that everybody out there has good intentions. I want to believe that good things happen to good people, and bad things to people who deserve it. I want to believe that people care, and I want to care about things without getting the cynical feeling that what I think or feel makes not the slightest difference to anything.

It seems nobody is straightforward these days. Everyone plays multiple roles, has secret lives. Perhaps that has been true all through society, but the anonymity of the web makes it so much easier to talk about these things -in an anonymous setting. Just browsing the web you can find secrets that people have posted, things that they are not telling their loved ones, their families, the people they work with - out of negativity, out of self interest, out of fear.
I would love to live in a world where I could put my real name, and my real contact details on this blog, where I could feel safe and sane doing so, but I know that sadly, this is not that world. I am fed up of the shadow boxing, the spy games, the hiding. I want to live in a world where things *are* as they seem.

I want to live in a world where people are open and honest with each other, who don't lie, who act with consideration for the feelings of others, and don't make assumptions about what those feelings are. I want to live in a world where love is honestly more powerful than apathy, and where it is safe to express that love, between anybody. Where strangers can be trusted and where the only surprises are the encountering of new forms of beauty.

I got off the bus this morning, and looked around me at the grey concrete, the brick cocoons that people have made to hide in, each with their little glowing screens, and all mod-cons, and then I looked at the huge grey sky and wanted to fall to my knees in despair. So much beauty, so much space, so much to go around, but people have to insist on being mean, petty, deceiving, fearful and small. I'm sure I'm not blameless either, but just thinking of how wonderful the world *could* be, if only people cared enough... that makes me want to cry.

I guess this is one of the reasons I am polyamorous - I feel the need to go out and make connections with beautiful people. People who care. At least if a few of us can live and love freely and honestly, and without expecting returns, perhaps the world could be that little bit happier.

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A Couple of Firsts

I have noticed something often about my primary relationship: When things are going well, I tend to clam up and keep quiet about it, and just enjoy things being lovely without feeling the urge to shout about it, but when things are anything less than perfect I tend to rant about the difficulties to friends, family and strangers online. I suspect therefore that people who aren't in our every-day lives, and even a few people that are, might get a very biased view, and perhaps wonder why we are still together.
It is hard to express quite how much my love means to me, and knowing how shy he is, perhaps he wouldn't even want me to if I could, at least not to the entire world, but I expect to spend the rest of my life with him, one way or another, and I am eternally thankful for the fact that this is a freedom, and not a limitation.

After my bath yesterday, T came upstairs and suggested I read aloud some of the fantasy I had written on the bus. I chickened out at first, I'm not good at reading aloud at the best of times, and this was very personal stuff, but I had said that I would, so I gave myself a mental kick up the butt, and managed to get through at least the first third of the five page story before we got... 'distracted'. Might have to try it again, anyway, if it gets such good results (was glad that we don't have a housemate any more!).

x

Miss Scarlet, aged 15 and three months plus two weeks (continued)...

So a week after that first, today I finally lost my virginity. Warren came back with me to my house at lunchtime, when i knew there'd be nobody there, knowing full well what we were going to get up to. We went up to the spare room, as it seemed like the best room in the house for it. We sat on the sofa, and undressed each other, and I put a condom on him, and then we were having sex. We were both sober, obviously, having been at school all morning, so it wasn't anywhere near as hard to get in this time, though it was a bit of a tight fit. It hurt a little bit, but I've always had a bit of a masochistic streak, so I quite enjoyed that too, in a way.
We started on the sofa, but started to slide off after a little bit, so we ended up in the missionary position on the floor. Didn't last very long, and I didn't come, but I figure it's a start.
He was a virgin too, so I didn't really expect amazing things the first time, but I've read a lot about techniques, and figure I can teach him (and me) how to make things really good, with practice.
I'm looking forward to things getting a whole lot more fun in the future!

A First, and a Show

So sex with Kei's neighbour was a non-event, I decided I couldn't be bothered with him, since he wasn't really my type, but I had other options at the time -there was a guy I'd been seeing on-off, roughly since we were 12, never really on an official basis, but we had messed around a lot, practising kissing in the park, and turning each other on, without ever really planning on going further with it. One day, almost at random, I just decided I was going to have sex with him, he had been asking for a while, but I hadn't gone through with it. Not so much because I didn't feel ready, as I just didn't want to all that much.

Miss Scarlet, aged 15 & three months, plus two weeks.

I gave my first blow job last week, Warren and I walked back from school, and I knew my parents weren't going to be in until later. I left my brother waiting at the music department at school, so he wouldn't come looking for me for a while. The moment we were through the door he started to kiss me, and pull at my clothes. I wanted to go into the conservatory, but he said it felt too exposed, so we stayed in the Living room. He lifted me up and carried me to the sofa. He wanted to go all the way then and there, but I was a bit worried about Mum and my brother turning up early, so I said I would go down on him instead.
We got our clothes back on pretty quickly afterwards, and he headed home, not too soon, as my brother turned up a couple of minutes later.
A few hours after, I found a little white spot of cum on the sofa where I guess we'd managed to spill some, but I managed to cover it up with a cushion before anyone wondered what it was.
I quite enjoyed it, anyway, the combined feeling of power, and knowing that he was enjoying it so much, and it actually quite turned me on. Think I'll probably do it again.

continued...


As for current events, went to London yesterday with my partner and a small number of friends to see a show. B was supposed to be going too, but he's too busy, as ever. Had a fantastic evening, anyway, although I think I overdid it slightly as I'm not quite recovered from the op. The lovely lady was looking absolutely stunning, but of course very coupley with her new man, so A and I were a bit envious, but behaved ourselves since there wasn't much other option.

Three hour coach ride back, this morning, and T was being a bit silent, so I gave up on talking to him in the end, and wrote a long and detailed fantasy in my paper journal, set on the bus, though in slightly different conditions. Said I might read it out to him later. Think I'll go have a bath for now though, and enjoy myself in comfort for a bit.

x

Not quite the first time

Reading through my old diaries is an odd experience, seeing the different person I was back then, but finding the threads leading back to who I am now. I was always fascinated by sex, long before I had any interest in actually doing it. When I was 10 or so I would read everything I could get hold of on the topic, ranging from magazine advice columns, through medical books, to a copy of the Joy of Sex that I swiped off my parents. I would pick up fascinating little facts and share them with my friends and we would laugh over the fact that 'People actually find that *fun*?!'
All of this fascination with what I had thought was a disgusting practise suddenly shifted though, when I hit puberty and began to think 'hmm, actually that still sounds disgusting, but part of me really wants to do it...' I was actually a bit of a late starter in terms of development, but the hormones hit me like a brick. So aged 15 and a bit, and having discovered orgasms already on my own, I came to the conclusion I wanted to get started on having a sex life, and just enjoy the heck out of it as soon as I could.

Miss Scarlet, aged 15 & three months:

I nearly lost my virginity last week. It was pretty sordid, really, but I actually had quite a good night, weirdly. I went to stay with my friend, Kei, and we were having fun getting drunk on her parent's vodka when her next door neighbour came home, and a boy from our year at school, Kevin was with him, so we said 'hi', and invited them to join us. Kei was pretty drunk already, and I guess I'd had quite a lot to drink as well, but I can hold it a bit better than she can. Kevin and the neighbour had already been drinking before they got there, too, so I guess we were about on a level.

We sat talking for a bit, then decided to go for a walk down to the 'allotments' at the end of the road -basically a bit of scrubland with some trees and a few flower beds. Kei quite fancied Smoker, but so did I, and she said she didn't mind Kevin, so we paired off, and wandered in different directions.

Smoker (the neighbour) and I sat on the bridge for a bit, over the little stream, which might have been quite romantic if we hadn't been quite so pissed. He told me he knew a guy that ran a strip club, and he could get me a job there when I turned 18, which would be great, but how the hell do I know where I'm going to be in three years time? We talked for a bit, and then he kissed me. That was a bit horrible, he tasted of stale cigarettes and pizza, but then I quite enjoyed when he put his hand up my top and stroked my breast.

I thought what the hell, I wanted to lose my virginity with an older guy (he was 19), figured he'd have a better idea what he was doing, and since I expected my first time to be at least a bit rubbish, it might as well be a stranger rather than someone I care about. So I went along with things.

We found a clearing in the little wooded bit, kissed some more, and then he started undressing me. I pulled out a condom, and with a lot of fumbling we eventually got it on (his being pissed really didn't help with that). He lay his jacket down on the floor for me, which was kindof nice of him, and we lay down on the ground and tried to have sex. I say tried to - he just could not get it to go in the right place. Nearly managed to get it up my arse, but that was going to hurt, so i shifted out of the way, but neither of us could manage to get him inside me, and I don't know if he was even sober enough to notice.
In the end he managed to get his cock wedged between my buttocks, and humped away til he came, leaving me still technically a virgin, and pretty much unsatisfied, but couldn't be bothered to argue at that point. We walked back and joined the others, and went to our separate beds not long after.

Kei told me afterwards, she and Kevin basically just sat and talked, and kissed a bit, but didn't really get up to much.

... and end with orgasms, too.

So lunchtime was indeed with CG. He said he’d been in a funny mood yesterday (I get the impression that he quite often is), but was impressed how quickly I’d got hold of his number. I told him a good journalist keeps their sources a secret when he asked where I’d got it.

Conversation was good, rambling mostly over relationships again, probably a topic we’ll keep coming back to, being opposed on a few things: he quite happily admits to being a hypocrite, in that he’d happily be polygamous, that is to have many wives, but wouldn’t stand for them seeing other men if it was a ‘serious relationship’, and he sees that this is unfair but claims that it’s innate, whereas I tend to argue that it’s a socially implanted idea. Skimmed over that today because I couldn’t remember the phrase I wanted to use, and then got distracted by another topic, but I can see some fantastic debate opening up in the future if I get him talking on it again.
At any rate, I love the company, it makes my lunchtimes interesting, and he said to me he likes talking to an 'intelligent woman that he respects', so I shall look forward to at least a couple more meetings before I leave the area, and hopefully to keeping in touch afterwards. He seems to be a fascinating, and very self-aware individual, and that's always a good thing.

I often think that perhaps being bisexual opens me up to more platonic relationships, as well as more sexual ones, in that I am capable of seeing both sexes equally as either potential friends or potential partners (or both), rather than habitually seeing people as one or the other based just on their gender. I am freer to let things be what they will, without pushing. I do seem to have mostly male friends though, of both sorts. Usually they just make more sense to me.

Spent much of this afternoon talking to A about The Move, and what I’m going to do out there, and whether I’m going to get back to visit, and of course sex –spent a lot of yesterday morning talking about that lately, in fact today he managed to make me come just through text, and not for the first time. Sometimes it almost worries me, that he knows so well how to get me going, but in the end I figure it's like hypnosis - it's never going to work if he's asking me to do something I really don't want to do.
I love the idea of being able to come at a signal though -I can imagine never having a frustrated moment again! So since he seems to like the idea of 'conditioning' I rather want to encourage it, in the hope I'll be able to use it for myself in the future. It's a fascinating experiment, anyway. I suspect there will be many more interesting instant messenger conversations to come on this point!

Spent this evening with my partner, as I've barely seen him the last couple of days. I gave him a call after work and invited him into town to meet me, it's nice to see him out of the usual context for a change, to date my long term love as I would someone new, brings a bit of the sparkle back into things, and reminds me why I like him so much. He's gorgeous, for a start! (At least with his clothes on, anyway... I do have to admit I can't help comparing him to certain other people in terms of fitness lately, my love is starting to get the littlest pot belly - I shall have to see if I can drag him along to some sort of fun exercise after we move.)

Randomly bumped into CG at our favourite pub, so I introduced them - CG was in a particularly chaotic mood, and my love can be quite shy, but he seemed mostly amused by it, which was good. Will be curious to find out CG's impressions next time I catch up with him, see how much they clashed with the person he'd probably been imagining.
Having spent most of the evening reacquainting ourselves, catching up, and talking about plans for the move, and all sorts of things else we walked home, where I had a lovely soak in the bath, and then we got reconnected in the physical sense as well. Hope the neighbours didn't mind too much, it was 23:30-ish, and my throat is somewhat sore from the screaming (*blushes slightly*).

Anyway, today got rather busier than I had expected, so I shall put off excerpts from my old diary for another day. Right now, I just fancy sleep!

x

All mornings should start with orgasms

Mmmm yes, I walked into work this morning, and beamed at every single passer-by, I wonder if any of them would have guessed the reason. I certainly got plenty of smiles in return.
Late for work again, but can't say I regretted it in the slightest.

Meeting Cafe Guy for drinks at lunchtime, (at least, I think so) don't have any specific intentions for the guy, but find him fascinating, so will let it go where it will. He played an odd game yesterday, said to me in the cafe 'if you want to meet up, just give me a call' and when I pointed out that I didn't have his number, said 'well you'll just have to find it then, won't you'. Went back in later, and one of the other guys in the cafe handed me a phone with a number on the screen, said 'here, this is CG's number, I heard you say you didn't have it, but since he's playing a game don't tell him you got it from me' -only slight oddity was that the number was attached to a nickname, not CG's name, so I'm only about 80% sure that the person I have arranged to meet up with via text is actually CG. I'm not worried, anyway, It's my local pub, so I'm comfy there, and I'm sure it will be an interesting lunchtime either way!

So I found some of my diary from when I was fifteen last week, and only had a chance to read through it properly yesterday. I think I can conclude that I'm an optimist, based on the bits that I remembered (the good bits), and the bits that I'd forgotten (the not so good bits). There wasn't much of it, but it covered about a month, from the end of june to the start of august that year, in which I nearly lost my virginity, then actually did, got dumped, met C, the person I was to be with for the next five years though I had no idea of it at the time, and persuaded him not to wait.

Will probably transcribe some of it after lunch, I know I've been meaning to for a while, but I really ought to get at least *some* work done before I go out!

x

Pieces of my life

A quiet week, this week, in terms of seeing people, but have started rummaging through my things again in the guise of packing ready for the big move, and found an old journal from when I was 15 amongst a lot of notebooks.
Assuming things are going to be on the slow side, I think I might transcribe some sections of it on here, perhaps it'll shed some light on things, perhaps it just might be a bit of a giggle - I don't quite know what's in there, I haven't read it myself yet, and I think I'm a quite different person now to how I was that many years ago.

Can't do that until the morning though, since the book's in the main bedroom with my partner who is trying to sleep, and I'm currently in my study, so I think I'll head to bed and read for a bit. Will send my friend an email first though, as I'm waiting to hear about whether I'm spending thursday night with him or not. He is always frustratingly busy these days, but at least his housemate is usually good fun, so I may get to go around anyway, and at least say hello.
Cross fingers for me!

x

Back to work for a rest

Spent almost the whole of yesterday with Busybee. It was a wonderful day. We went out into the hills near where I live, back where I used to walk when I was a teenager. Just a whole day of walking, talking at random, had a late lunch in a village near the top, and then wandered back down again, ate grapes lying in a field and rested for a while, and then went indoor climbing.

Very different to the day before with Cad, no nudity this time around. I didn't really go with any expectation of it, though of course I'd have liked to. B is a very attractive man, in so many ways. I'm going to miss him terribly. I hope he'll miss me a little bit, though I know he's not the sort of man that really misses people -not that he's callous, just always busy. Maybe if I keep myself that way too the months will fly by until we get to meet again.
And of course, I have my partner, who is lovely, and deserving of much credit, but I think would be the first to admit that he's not a great talker. That's the thing I'll miss most about B, staying over and talking under the covers until silly times in the morning. We'll still have online chats, and phone, but it really isn't going to be the same.
Oh well, all the more incentive to come back and visit after the move, though I don't know how often that could be.

I am indeed back to work today, working some more on packing up my studio this morning, and in the office this afternoon, I shall give my poor legs a bit of a break. Then I think it might be time to get some proper quality time with my partner, who it feels like I haven't seen a whole lot lately.
Tiny flash of guilt for me this morning, when he freudian-slipped 'i'll see you tomorrow' instead of 'i'll see you later' as I kissed him goodbye, leaving for work. Have I really been away that much lately? I thought I'd been sticking fairly well to my one night a week limit, but things have been rather frantic over the last few weeks.
I hope I've not been taking him for granted. It's all too easy to do when he's so quiet and undemanding. Perhaps I'm reading too much into a single line though, my love has been so much more laid back about things lately, and I should trust him to tell me if there's a problem. Still, I will be home tonight, at least after I finish my dance class, and then we'll have the rest of the evening together to reconnect.

Right, breakfast time!

x

Three men, two days

Tuesday morning: just a quick post today, as I'm off out walking later and want to get something picnic-able ready, and find some sensible clothes to wear for scrambling up hills.

Yesterday with Cad was lovely, I was glad I didn't cancel in the end. We did get some photos in, which at the very least was good practice, and of course, there was nudity involved. He made me blush a little with the comment "It's worth driving three hours for a blowjob that good". Apart from the orgasms (fantastic as they were -gosh that man is good with his hands!), it was nice to catch up and just have a good chat. Looks like I probably won't get to see him again before I move, so we made it a goodbye, as well.
Hopefully he will come to visit after, but he expects to be bringing his girlfriend, who looks now to be a permanent fixture, so yesterday may very well have been our last play together. I intend to stay in touch, at any rate, it's been a good friendship as much as anything else, and I don't like to lose that.

After Cad left, I looked over photos in my studio for a bit, then my partner, Tallboy, came home earlyish. We headed to the kitchen to get food, and ended up having fabulous noisy sex bent over the kitchen stool - Ah the joys of no longer having a shared house!
Had a good evening out as well. (Noticed one of our other friends looking at me in an interesting way, shame we don't have more time left in the area, or else I might have followed it up, I haven't been involved with a couple for ages.)

Looking forward to seeing Busybee. I think today might be my goodbye from him, as well. Although I will possibly get to see him again before we go a few times, I know things will be different from now on. Knowing that our friendship had a 'best before' date from the start doesn't make it any easier. I've got very attached to him over the last few months, and I am very glad we have a promise that will force us to keep in touch. Busybee has affected me and my life in quite a lot of ways, and I rather think of him, and some of the people he has introduced me to, as a part of my family.

Ok, this post is starting to ramble, and I am getting sentimental. Better go and make some tea and rummage to see what I can find in the fridge.
Things will probably calm down after today anyway, as I am working in the office the rest of the week, and have a minor operation on friday, so I'll probably be recuperating for a few days, then perhaps I can post some excerpts from my old paper diary, and start explaining how I got here.

x

A little guilt trip

It's 9am on monday morning, I just kissed my partner goodbye on his way to work, and I have a lot to get done, in not a lot of time. My problematically sexy friend just called to say he is on his way here in a couple of hours, and nudity will no doubt ensue. At least I managed to warn my partner that he was likely to be in town, and I'd be out with him for a bit, and he seemed ok, rather than "when are you going to get any work done?" so not too bad on the guilt front.
(Yes, I do feel guilt occasionally, but it is almost always to do with when/where rather than what i'm doing - my love may be happy with my seeing other people, but he'd rather I got my work done first!)

I did catch Cad online last night, and tried quite hard to cancel, thinking about all the ethical issues, and the amount of work I have to do. It really bothers me that he's lying to his girlfriend about why he's coming to see me, but in the end the desire for some damn good fun won out, and the fact that we won't be having penetrative sex, as that's in the agreements I have with my partner, also makes it seem less wrong.
In the end, what convinced me was the little voice in my head saying 'this is your youth, the time to mis-spend it is now'. I have been living for the last few months by the motto 'regret what you have done, not what you have not done', and I guess this comes under the category, even if I might be regretting it before I even start.
Hopefully we will find a good location outdoors and get in a photoset for the photographic project I have ongoing, then I will feel less bad about being distracted from my other work.
Off walking in the countryside with a different friend tomorrow, though, and if the weather stays like it is right now, it should be glorious.

Right, I'd better go and hop in the bath and then try and get something useful done before Cad arrives, otherwise I will feel dreadful.

x

So many people, so little time

Sunday morning, I'm just out of bed. I have been sleeping alone, in my studio for the past few months. Not because I'm not getting along with my partner -in fact we've been getting on rather better since I moved into my own room -we had been somewhat rowing over the temperature of the main bedroom over the winter, so I went for the simple solution and moved out into the warmest room of the house -mine.

I've been enjoying having separate beds. I'd insisted on having a room of my own, anyway, where I can work, make as much mess as I like, and simply be in my own territory. Not so that I can bring lovers in, as we agreed I wouldn't play with other people in this house. Although when we move away it will be ok to play in my studio, which is good, because I will hopefully have visits from various friends and lovers, and otherwise I would have nowhere to take them.

Before we moved in to this house together, I'd been living in one corner of his old rented room in a house shared with other people. That went on for a few months, and it made me so claustrophobic that I wanted to scream. Somehow I'd been nervous about actually using my own space as a bedroom though, wondering if it would be a sign of something wrong in our relationship. In actual fact though, I've found it rather romantic. I know we're only a room apart, but it takes me back a bit to when we first got together, and had to walk across town to see each other. Instead of sharing a bed out of necessity or habit, now when we do, it is because we *want* to be together, and that is lovely.

Yesterday with his parents was nice, I suppose. I'm a bit grudging about this, as while his parents are friendly, intelligent people, and ever so nice, it is a struggle to have a conversation with them simply because we have so little in common, so there tend to be a lot of awkward silences. I'm really not a great believer in seeing family just because they are related to you, but I put up with these days, because they don't happen very often, and because I know it makes my partner unhappy when he has to make excuses for me. We went out and did the tourist thing for a bit, and had lunch. All very traditional.

It might be a couple of days before I get a chance to post after today, I'm expecting to be quite busy. Tomorrow I'm seeing a friend of mine, who I was talking to last week online about being frustrated at work - I said "drive here and come and play with me" and he said his car was being fixed at the time, but he'd come and see me when it was. Caught me a little by surprise that he actually stuck by the decision, as I was partly joking, but I am flattered that I am worth the effort to visit.

I'm a little unsure about whether I actually want to see him. Not because I don't enjoy it, Cad is a fascinating individual, and to be honest the thought of seeing him at the moment makes me very slightly weak at the knees. On the other hand, there are all too many reasons why the thought of seeing him in person, rather than just flirting online makes me feel rather guilty. The main one is that actually there are only a few weeks left until we move, I really ought to be sorting out my possessions and my finances ready for the move, and monday was otherwise my only free day this week.

I will admit, I'm also particularly unsure about Cad in general, because he has a long term girlfriend, who is apparently unaware of his extra-curricular activities. I'm aware he's very much in love with her, or at least thinks he is, and apparently they have a fantastic sex life, but he wants to explore a different kind of dynamic with me (in terms of D/s, which perhaps I will go into later).
It is very tempting, and I am wavering at the moment between thinking that I am doing no harm to his girlfriend by allowing the experimentation, and fretting that this is very much against my ethics simply in that not everyone involved in this situation has given full, informed consent.
I have been trying to encourage him to talk it out with her, to actually find out whether she would go for a more open relationship, rather than simply assuming she won't, but it is hard from my end, not having met the girl. He says she would never go for it, and yet intends to stay with her, and change his behaviour 'later'.
At the moment I am thinking the compromise might be to play with the dynamic, but keep actual contact minimal - it might be 'emotional cheating' on his part, but it won't outright break the rules of their relationship, and I'd feel a lot better about that.

On the other hand, I am looking forward to seeing another friend on Tuesday immensely. As long as the weather is good, the plan is to drive into the hills and go walking, and I get to show him 'my' countryside (he showed me his a few months back!), and have a whole day together in lovely surroundings. Hopefully it will be a lovely memory to take with me when I move away, rather than the last few months of emotional ups and downs, random moments squeezed in between other commitments, and generally things being all too complicated.

Anyway, I ought to get on, get dressed, and make myself useful around the house. So much to do, and so little time - exactly how I like my life to be!

x

A sunny morning

A couple of hours ago I waved my lover off to go and spend the weekend with another woman. I'm not jealous, though I am a bit disappointed. I had been hoping to join them, but they needed some time just the two of them, and that's fine. In fact, the other woman was almost a lover of mine as well, but sadly got involved with someone else a few months ago, just as things were getting interesting between us, and it rather got in the way of anything more, but she is a beautiful lady, and we've developed a lovely platonic friendship instead.

Having watched my lover zip off in his car from my front gate, I turned, headed into my house that I hadn't seen since yesterday morning, and made a cup of tea to take up to my life partner, who was still in bed, kissed him a hello, and smiled at how lucky I am to have such wonderful people in my life.

Days like this, I often forget that other people don't live the way I do - it just feels so natural and normal to me now, that I almost start to tell colleagues and friends and family about how excited I am to be seeing one love or other the next week, before having to stop and remind myself that other people might not see my lifestyle in the same way that I do. That makes me sad though, and I tend to wonder then, how many people are secretly living in open relationships, unaware that say, the girl next door might be doing exactly the same. Or equally, how many people are *wanting* to live the same way, but don't know how to get there.

So I guess this is what prompted me to start this log - I'm not ashamed of how I live, far from it, though I don't want to shove it in the faces of people who don't really need to know about it -my colleagues, family, our straighter friends - but I do think it is almost my duty to stand up and say "here I am. Here is how I live, and look, it's a good way." To tell the world that there are people like me out there, living happy, polyamorous lifestyles, and that monogamy is not the only way to be.

Right now though, I need to go and get changed out of yesterday's clothes, and get ready to go out for the day with my partner's parents, and maybe get another cup of tea to wake me up, as it's still only ten am.