Feeling sick, but better

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I wanted so much to call you last night. I got back from the doctor and collapsed on the floor, and after that it was all I could manage to drag myself into bed, left my food shopping by the door where I came in and spent the next two hours before falling properly asleep in a state somewhere between dreaming and waking, and somewhere in the confusion almost forgot about the space between us, and picked up my phone to dial before I remembered I wasn't supposed to.
It was such an odd feeling... like that night after the all-you-can-eat-sushi, I was hallucinating odd pictures and patterns every time I closed my eyes, maybe because I couldn't breathe properly, and I wanted to share that with you because it wouldn't mean anything to anyone else, and I needed a hug so badly.
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Still struggling with not having friend-contact with Mountain. It's especially hard at the moment because I'm stuck at home alone with a throat and chest infection that came on rather suddenly, and there's nobody else to reach out to. Nice Guy is in the states on business, Duchess is busy, and everybody else is too far from the City to pester for cuddles or tea.

It's really bad timing to be sick this weekend, too. I was supposed to be out last night doing some flyering work in a club, which was my first job with the company, and had to call that off. Tomorrow I'm supposed to be meeting up with Tallboy, who I've not seen for roughly a year and is over visiting from the Goldfish Bowl for just the one week. I'm really hoping I'm well enough to go and see the play that he booked for.

I am looking forward to Thursday, at least, since Scaredycat is coming to visit, and we're going to have sofa and icecream and hugs.
He pinged me on my instant messenger the other day to say that he and his girlfriend broke up, and I felt a little guilty, because on some level I think I was rather waiting for it to happen. I've known for a while that all hasn't been peachy, and he's not been happy in the relationship for quite some time, but I've also known how much he cared about his girlfriend, Dancer, and didn't want to end it, so he's been in a hard position for a long time now. I've been hurting for him without really being able to do anything to help.
It did make me feel good though, knowing that when crunch time came, it was me that he turned to for support. Being able to be there for my friends when they need me, and being the sort of person that my friends can turn to in times of trouble, even when I'm not on top form myself means a lot to me.
I just hope I'm not contagious by the time Thursday gets here!
(To S: - I got your message, and to be honest, I was grateful that you *did* turn to me when I felt awful, because helping you made me feel so much better about myself. I don't think anything else would have done me as much good, so thankyou.)

It seems the time of year for break-ups. After meeting briefly with Mountain on Friday, to pick up some clothing of mine that he still had, I went to CCK to commune with Miss Matrix, and a friend of hers who has also just lost her significant other. There was tea, sympathy and cuddles, and plans for a 'girls night in' somewhere in the near future, with plenty of icecream included.

So my life at the moment is not so much sex, tea and bacon sandwiches at the moment, as icecream, tea and sympathy. Still, apart from the illness, I am feeling better in general. Things are looking up on the job front, although still a bit vague - the company I'm likely to be working for is having their annual busy period, and no chance to discuss my role until after it's over, but have at least managed to confirm that there's some room in the budget for me. I should be looking at a flat I can afford next week, too, which will get me out of NG's hair - as much as he's been looking after me lately, I still need a space that's *mine* and apart from 'my' tree-house in the back garden, his home is not that. I've made some progress in sorting out my head a bit, as well, but I think I will leave talking about that for another day.

All the best,

Red.
x

----
Have you ever read Angela Carter? I was meaning to ask you if you had, and give you my copy of some of her short stories, if you hadn't. I think you'd enjoy her style. Maybe when we're moving stuff out of storage I could bring it up then...

I hope you have a good weekend away with your friends. Wish I could be a fly on the wall, as the storyline sounded like genius.

___

Worn Out

Delayed my trip to Dullsville. I just don't have the energy left. Whilst attempting to make myself feel better I soaked in a long bath the other day and gave myself an ear infection, so now I just have an extra reason for not sleeping properly. I'm staying in the City and communing with NG's sofa and trying to get some work done, then getting the coach there on Saturday. I have promised C a visit at some point when I'm not feeling so misanthropic. Hopefully I'll be a bit recovered by weekend - turning up at my grandfather's birthday party with a scowl on my face or bursting into tears at random moments probably won't endear me to anyone much.

Sigh

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I wanted so much to talk to you again today, just to share thoughts with you. That set of 'memory boxes' that I started visualising after talking to you - I started using the second box, the one with the cherries on it, to keep page numbers in - and it turned out to be a hypercube. None of the others seem to be, just that one box. Isn't that odd?
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I'm being a good girl, and not making contact. It's hard. Still knowing that there are those misunderstandings not cleared up, that I have no chance to defend myself over, and just... wanting to talk to him. I've got so used to having someone I could share thoughts with, I guess I might have been taking it for granted a little, though there were a lot of times I stopped and thought 'the way we understand each other is so refreshing.
It's little things that bring it home to me... like making a side comment and not having to spent fifteen minutes explaining what a hypercube *is* and how it relates to anything at all. Or one about being a Schrodinger's Woman, and being understood without having to go into intricate details about both biology and physics, and the use of metaphors.
I miss being able to talk to someone who thinks like I do.

Going away tomorrow, back to Dullsville for the weekend. C is kindly giving me a lift back, and in different circumstances we'd be playing, but I don't think I feel up to it right now. Then I'm seeing my family for a few days. Haven't seen them in person since before Christmas, and I'm particularly looking forward to catching up with my brother. We don't get on too well when we have to live together, but as long as we have plenty of space we have a pretty cool relationship, and can talk to each other about anything.

That feeling of desolation...

It's been a rough week, and my timing is, as ever shitty. I had been working hard on maintaining my friendship with Mountain, and trying to look after him when he really wasn't looking after himself. Having finally seen him turn a corner, I was building up the courage to talk to him about the state of things between us, in the main whether we could still have a relationship without the living together which was, i think a large part of the problems between us - and before I got to get a word out, he calls it off. Everything. No talk, no phone calls, no emails, basically don't speak unless I'm spoken to, because being friends is harder for him than being nothing at all. It would have been hard, anyway, but the timing was just the icing on the cake. I found myself humming 'send in the clowns' as I cried myself to sleep.

At any rate, apologies to everyone for the potential for TMI in this post.
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You don't want a conversation. Okay. This is not a conversation, nor do I expect anything to change as a result of it, but I'm going to write down my responses to the things you said, because lord knows if I don't put them somewhere I am going to explode.

Your last paragraph hurt the most, as you were never just one of many to me. I'd been thinking up to your phone call the other day about how much I value your friendship, support, mentorship, conversation, and your 'dom-ness', and that I had been thinking hard about how, while I didn't think living together would be a good idea any time soon, I still wanted to be 'yours'.

You still are the first thing I think about when I make a decision, even now, and believe it or not, our un-marriage is still important to me. In the conversation I requested, that you turned down, I was wanting to ask how you felt about still being my primary, whether or not I was the same to you. The texts about missing you, about wanting you around were an indicator of how constantly i was thinking about you, even when divided, and I am unutterably sorry that they made you unhappy.
Clearly, a D/s relationship, particularly one that involves living apart can't work without trust, so what I was asking for isn't possible, and I accept that, but I wanted you to know what I had in mind. You were never, ever, one of a stable, or on a level with anyone else, and I always felt more that I was at your beck and call than vice versa - I certainly would have been if you'd requested it, and it wasn't that I saw you only at my convenience, but only as much as I dared.

As for the trust thing, I'm just going to bullet point a couple of things.

• Trip to storage: ignoring all previous track record, which you tell me is meaningless, surely the fact that when you've checked, nothing has gone missing should count for something?
• Sexual safety: Three reasons I hadn't talked about this with you (which I admit was remiss of me).
  Firstly, you got very upset when I talked about my date with C, so I came to the conclusion it was best not to bring these things up unless I had to.
  Secondly, since you told me you already assumed that I *was* playing with new people (which at the time was untrue), after that it seemed pointless to not go ahead and do it anyway, since you were already working on the assumption that it was the case.
  Thirdly, when I did give in, I was still limiting my activities to very low risk (clothes-on teasing, spanking, play with toys that had condoms over) both because of the newness of the relationship and because I still had not (have not, necessarily) rescinded my fluid bonding with you. However, this was also one of the things I wanted/needed to discuss with you when I was asking for a meet-up.

For now, anyway, I'm just going to do what feels right, which for the moment means taking my time, looking after myself, focusing, when I can, on work, and spending time with my support network, with my friends and my family, both adoptive and real. Maybe a little play, if and when it feels safe. Though after our last phone conversation and an event last week that flashed me straight back to May 15th, which I wanted to talk to you about as well, I actually think I'm going to be off even low-level stuff for a long while again because I'm getting nausea, shakes and bursting into tears every time I think about sex, or kink again.

Being sensible about things sucks, but it's better than the alternative.

...

Still Alive

Sorry I haven't really felt like writing a lot lately. I am still around, and at some point will be back and talkative, but for the moment, I don't really want to share.

Red.

x

Okay, I just want to add the one thing. I miss Mountain like crazy :(