A change is as good as a rest?

I hope so, because I've had a change, but it sure isn't restful right at the moment.

So I flew back to the country I call home on Tuesday. Nice Guy drovee me to the airport, and we stopped for a picnic on the beach before I got on the plane, which was gorgeous, and rather poignant. Since getting back though I have hardly had a minute to myself, which I suppose is a good thing.

Duchess did meet me from the airport on Tuesday night, and I was so tired I simply crashed and fell asleep as soon as she left. Optimus came to see me on wednesday, who I met in CCK and have been talking to online since. It was nice to see him again in person, but somewhat tiring. He helped me shop for things for my new room though, which was much appreciated. He left on thursday night, and then came a call from Rocketman to say he was nearby and had missed his train home, so could he stay? So my sofa was occupied another night, and it wasn't until friday I actually got some serious alone time, and lovely as my friends are, it was a relief just to be able to lounge around the house for a bit without having to be sociable.

Saturday I hopped on a coach to see Miss Sunshine and Scaredycat (previously known as 'S'), and it was lovely, and inclusive of tea and bacon, but a bit rushed, and I was glad to get home again.

First moment I actually felt lonely was saturday night. I had managed to damage myself a few days before leaving the Goldfish Bowl, and it had all looked to be healing well until saturday night when i got home and things suddenly took a turn for the worse. There I was in casualty, on my own, and with nobody close to turn to.
Duchess was away for the weekend, T was in the right country, but incommunicado (and if I am honest not great in a crisis anyway) and Nice Guy a plane flight away. Guess this is the downside of wanting to be out on your own - when things go wrong, you are indeed on your own. Still, all was ok in the end, and Nice Guy talked to me on the phone for about an hour, which made me feel a heck of a lot better.

I am missing Nice Guy like crazy. Had really been getting used to seeing him on a daily basis, and it is hard to be without that so suddenly, even though I knew it was coming. We've been keeping in contact by text and phone, to the point where I am worrying about his phone bill, but he tells me I'm worth it. It would be so nice just to be closer though.
Rather as predicted, I am fighting the urge to move back into coupledom. I do love NG, and indeed finally voiced it on the way out of the Goldfish Bowl, but I am also very aware that I need to keep a firm grip on my independence, both financial and emotional, and I think things need to be taken slowly. He is still considering how he feels about polyamory, and I am reading back through my old diaries to remind myself of the issues I have had with the alternative. I do still feel I need to stick to being single for the year, at least in the sense of not having any sort of conditions imposed on me by anyone else (other than obvious safety ones).
Still, the possibility of a visit in early feb was mentioned last night, and it is rather tempting. Especially as I am still healing. A week or so of not being entirely on my own looking after myself rather appeals at the moment. Much to think about.

T is back here as well at the moment, on business, and we both had dinner with my family last night. It felt just like old times, except for the fact he didn't stay over. Things seem to be getting easier between us now, it doesn't feel quite so strange. We are going out tonight for a pub quiz with the old crowd, Busybee and others, and I am staying over afterwards. We never really got to have goodbye sex before I left the Goldfish Bowl thanks to some 'female issues', so tonight will probably be the substitute for that.

Will be popping to see Hobbit (my other ex, previously C) this afternoon before the pub, and the much beloved Busybee has offered me dinner tomorrow, and then I have a meal out on wednesday with my family, it is looking to be quite a busy week again. Then it is back to the city on thursday, and an evening's rest before my Gay Fiancee takes me out on the Friday. At some point I will need to start looking for work, as well. Wish me luck!

2.5 days left

So on Tuesday I am moving (again) to a new city, with a suitcase, some clothes, and not a whole lot else. It feels rather appropriate. It will be a completely blank slate for me.

Feeling just a little nostalgic about leaving the Goldfish Bowl. My last few days have been lovely, and my leaving party tonight, joint with one of the guys was fantastic, everyone was so sweet, telling me they're going to miss me, and I must admit the last six weeks I have really felt part of things around here. Even so, it's never really been quite my own scene, I am both looking forward to going, and to visiting again when the place isn't home any more. It's been fun being local eccentric, but I think I will be glad to blend in a bit again, really.

Nice Guy took me out on Friday of last week, and bought me a gift to remember him by. It will be months before I see him again in person, after Tuesday, so it is a lovely thing to have a souvenir I can keep. I gave him a present, too, as a thankyou.
He has been fantastic the last week, cooking for me a lot, taking me out to places, helping me work through things to do with T and the move and lending me the peace and quiet of his house when things elsewhere have been too much. He really has been a good friend, and more. The candle-lit dinner he made me last night was beautiful, and the rest of the evening is something I shan't forget in a hurry, either. I hadn't had such a treat for all five of my senses in a long time. One way or another I need to keep that man in my life.

T has been less demonstrative even than usual. We still hug, and when we are actually together things are an odd echo of how they used to be, but I think he has rather pulled away to make things easier on himself, and I don't want to push things, really. I will miss him, but really I wonder if we will stay in touch, just because I am absent minded, and he really doesn't seem to miss people. I think in the four years we were together he spoke to his old 'best friend' maybe twice. I guess we will see. I will make an effort anyway, for both of us.

T is taking me out on Monday to get a goodbye gift as well, and then NG is taking me to the airport on Tuesday, then I am all on my own. It probably isn't quite as dramatic as all that, admittedly. Duchess is meeting me at the other end, I know the person I will be renting a room from, and it turns out that his girlfriend is good friends with Miss Sunshine, as well, who came to visit me in september. So hopefully I will get to see more of her and Tigger. Duchess will be working across the road, so I will get to see much more of her, I hope, and the rest of my friends and sweeties will be only a short coach or train ride away.

Nice Guy introduced me to Katie Melua lately, and lent me a couple of albums - she is quite definitely my new musical love. The song 'Crawling up a Hill' seems particularly apt at the moment:

___
Every morning 'bout half past eight,
My Mummer wakes me says,
"Don't be late",
Get to the office, tryin' to concentrate,
My life is just a slow train crawling up a hill.

So I stop one day to figure it out,
I'll quit my job without a shadow of a doubt,
To sing the blues that I know about,
My life is just a slow train crawling up a hill.

Minute after minute,
Second after second,
Hour after hour goes by,
Working for a rich girl,
Staying just a poor girl,
Never stop to wonder why.

So here I am in London town,
A better scene I'm gonna be around,
The kind of music that won't bring me down,
My life is just a slow train crawling up a hill.
___

Next couple of days will be pretty hectic, with packing and more goodbyes. Then I may be offline for a little while at the other end for a few days, so I am not sure when I will catch up on goings-on, but I will be back, and keeping track of my new single life just as soon as I can.

Red

x

Earth shattered, but nothing changed.

In which I spend a weekend introspecting.

I nearly didn't post this, as I think some parts of it might be too much information, and other parts are so very personal. Some of it is not exactly flattering to my vanity, either, but it is honest. Life is not all roses, and nobody is perfect, but at least we can try - and understanding is one of the things that helps most.

I have been pondering a lot lately, and this weekend particularly. About my reasons for being the way I am, about my past, about my future, about what I can and can't change about myself.
In terms of what affects my relationships with people, I am bisexual - in that I am attracted to both men and women, that is something I believe will never change. I have a very high sex drive, which may or may not change as I get older, and I have a taste for kink perhaps not shared by the general population. All of these things make it somewhat harder for me to see monogamy as an option, though I will always admit that none of them makes it entirely impossible.
However - the thing that makes monogamy really impossible for me? It just doesn't make sense. The closest thing I have heard to a sensible reason is that 'it makes life simpler' (this from a man with the most complicated social life I have ever seen). NG tells me that men are possessive by nature, but we go against nature, and against instinct every day of our lives, and I just can't accept that as a reason for doing anything.
I know very well that love and sex are different things. I also know from experience that it is possible to be in love with more than one person at the same time, and happily so, and ditto for sex. So why on earth should I change what isn't broken?

I have felt isolated quite often over the past year, over the past few. I have doubted myself, I have wavered. I have been without a support network, and without people who understood me. I find even the few friends I have who really agree with me that polyamory is a valid choice tend to back down when faced with an ultimatum and play monogamite (and cheat, in the case of one or two). I have been told that it is worth compromising 'to be someone's special someone'. Perhaps it is. There is a certain appeal to simplicity of life.
However, I am still young, still idealistic, still naive in some ways, as I have discovered over the past year or so, and I believe in honesty, and in sticking to my principles. I am willing to entertain the idea that there are some things in life worth compromising for. Not this year, though. I think, in the long run it may become a rule of thumb for me. If it's worth keeping, it's worth waiting for.

So what has had me thinking again?

On Friday I experienced, at the hands of a certain Nice Guy, what was probably the most intense orgasm of my life. Earth shattering is the phrase that springs to mind. I am somehow surprised that the tremors weren't felt across the other side of the planet. Some part of me thinks there should have been newspaper headlines asking what caused the major earthquake. It seems unreasonable that the world remains unchanged despite my being shaken to my core.

It seems fairly ridiculous that one man, one pair of hands could make me feel that way. Almost banal thinking about it now, when I am back down to earth.

A few hours later, once I had recovered my ability to walk, talk and focus (I do not kid about this) I discovered that, for the second or third time in a week or so, I had hit a level of mental clarity that I had not otherwise felt since roughly age 14 - before I got interested in sex, in fact. It seems that I have been so distracted by my libido that I have not been thinking straight ever since. Only the feeling of being completely satisfied lifted me out of this.
It is a positive thing in that now I know that it is possible for me to feel this way, but it does make me a little depressed knowing that I will be leaving here in barely over a fortnight, and beyond that the future is just a big blank space. There are no guarantees, and that is hard. This sort of feeling is not a thing I can reproduce without assistance.

I have been pondering the implications of this since I left there, and I guess ultimately it makes no difference to my immediate plans. I still have to leave, and to go and live on my own for a good while. Still need to be single for a year, and to know some of what life is like without compromising. I have been feeling more and more attached to NG, and I find I need to get some distance to work out whether it is purely the oxytocin high talking, or whether there is something else as well, and indeed whether it even matters. Even if it does mean a year of tearing phone books, or more than that if things don't work out - after all, I don't expect him to wait for me. I have to gamble that misery now will lead to me being happier farther along the line.

Then yesterday, looking through some old papers, I found some pages I had written when I was first with T, about how wonderful it was to be with him, how good he made me feel, and how I was so sure I could cope with monogamy just to be with him, despite having sworn that I would never do it again only months before. It rings a few alarm bells again when I look at things as they are at the moment, reminds me I must be more wary about making such compromises, especially when hormones are running high and things are new and exciting. I do not want to end up in the same situation again a few years down the line. Patience is the lesson to be learned, I think. Once again, I wonder what the next year will bring. A break from the established pattern is the hope, anyway.

A conversation with C, who is my previous ex also confirmed the need to change. -

C :
and you reckon you'll stay single for a whole year?
hmm, a month maybe?

Miss Scarlet :
single that is, rather than celibate

C :
yeah
still...
or until you get to London and fall in love with someone else
its easily said, but hard to do

Miss Scarlet :
no, I really mean it, and i'm going to stick by it, and anyone who is worth sticking around for the long term will understand and respect that

C :
fair enough
sounds quite idealistic for you
and I think mostly you agree to compromise, but don't really do so

Miss Scarlet :
you mean me personally?

C :
yeah, you personally
or if you do compromise, you begrudge it

Miss Scarlet :
yeah, you're right, tbh, I did, and then I pushed for what I wanted anyway, and where I really couldnt get it grudgingly agreed I ended up cheating, and I hated myself for it. i'm done with that.

C :
its not just a one-off tho, is it?

Miss Scarlet :
that's why the year off, I am breaking the pattern

C :
You don't think next time you'll agree to monogamy?

Miss Scarlet :
I think I am going to have a year to see how I am without any Significant Other at all

C :
thats what you said after me!

Miss Scarlet :
I know, and I have kicked myself about not sticking to it for four years

C :
ah

Miss Scarlet :
so lesson learned

Well, on the positive side, the only thing simpler in life than sticking to just one person is having nobody. I could certainly do with a rest right now.

Starting as I mean to go on.

In which I make a new year's resolution, and confess to an unusual inspirational figure.

That is, this year I will look after myself, and do what I want to do, not what anyone tells me I want.

My mantra?

If Britney Spears can have a pop career, I can do or be whatever the hell I want.

An odd choice, perhaps, for an inspirational figure, but look at it this way - the girl can't sing live for toffee (I strongly suspect she can't actually sing at all), she defaults to greasy, spotty slob-likeness at the drop of a hat, as the tabloids can tell you, and she isn't exactly the sharpest tool in the box, and yet there she is, every few months, dragging herself back out of her pit, crash dieting, exercising and miming away to her pre-recorded nonsense to appear on stage as a sex symbol and pop star - could a girl be more unsuited for fame? Probably not very. Does it stop her? Does it hell.
Sure, she no doubt has a manager nagging at her to get on with it, as well, but ultimately if being on stage wasn't something the girl wanted, she could have dropped into comfortable obscurity long ago. I think it begs a certain amount of respect that she just keeps on getting back up there.

I wouldn't buy her albums, but every time I see Britney on TV, or in the papers, I just think "If she can, then anybody can."

2007 is the Year of Me. I have made a promise to myself that I will be formally single for the year, having not been really on my own in relationship terms for more than a fortnight in my entire adult life.
This is the year where I take a step back, take stock, learn to look after myself again all on my own, and with a bit of luck, get some way farther towards figuring out some sort of career plan (even if it is just to confirm the inkling I have that I neither want, nor need an actual 'career', as such).

Well, it all sounds good. Just need to keep reminding myself that I am capable, intelligent, attractive and above all independent, and I can carve my own path through life. And if Britney can do it, I sure as hell can.

Tonight was New Year's celebrations at Nice Guy's house. A small party, just a few friends and neighbours, and of course including T (my very recent ex who I am still living with). A lovely, cosy evening, with much friendly banter, playful flirtation, and of course lots of food and drink. I got dressed up just for the hell of it, in full-on Jessica Rabbit style, which at least NG seemed to rather appreciate, and gosh it is nice to be appreciated, but in the end of the evening, here I am, in my own room, all alone, and entirely by my own choice. This is me time.
No doubt I will have an abundance of this in the coming months, but having been juggling so many other peoples issues for so long, I am starting to see it as a blessed relief, rather than something to be avoided.

The sun will be rising, shortly, on the first day of the new year, MY year, and I find myself watching the east with my newly rediscovered sense of curiosity as to what the next few months will hold. Right now though, I am going to stick to my resolution of looking after myself, and that means bed and sleep.

Happy New Year, everybody!

x