I am still alive! (Also Freedom & Responsibility Part II )

Apologies for the long silence. Not really an excuse for it except that I have had a glorious holiday, and simply felt far too fluffy to really have anything useful to say. I have a draft entry saved that I will post retroactively over the next couple of days that talks about the few days before I got to the Goldfish Bowl (my all girl weekend, an encounter with Cad, and meeting a well known Fetish Diva).
Also for the last week I have been so wiped out by an infection and being back where I have to do dreadful mundane things like work, that I have slept for about half the week. I reluctantly turned down an offer of company from Cad, simply because I was too knackered to cope with it, and how very rarely I say no to pleasure.

My time in the Goldfish Bowl is best described as a month away from the world. A month in the presence of Nice Guy, sure we had a couple of arguments (at least partly about my lack of tact - i admit freely that I tend to read better on paper!) but the rest of it, touring the area, enjoying the weather, celebrating his birthday, and attending a ball together, sun, sea, sand and I might have to admit it... a lot of sex - a month of unrepentant bliss.
Getting to see T again was a bonus. We are still working on separating our belongings and finances (at least legally - joint mortgages are a pain), and things still feel a little... odd, at least at my end, but it was good to see him, and to know that we still have *something*, even if what we are to each other has changed. Still friends, and still 'fuck-buddies', even if a long way apart. I am positive about going back to stay with him on a friendly basis at some point, and I do wonder if I hadn't been out there staying with NG, whether we'd have actually got to that state.

Anyway, back in the real world, getting back to the City things start falling back to earth, and I realise that floating on my fluffy cloud for the past month, all of the issues that Nice Guy and I intended to talk about when I got there didn't apply, and had simply fallen by the wayside. Being back where there is daily temptation though, we are hard at work again dealing with things as and when they hit us. Staying up til silly times in the morning to talk through feelings when nerves are hit and mistakes are made (of course, by me).

Yesterday I headed round to Mountain's for lunch, and to present him with a belated birthday gift, and discovered over the course of lunch that he and his Significant Other were no longer an item. He is unexpectedly available for play for the first time since we met. Sudden quandary - I am supposed to be a single person. I made this promise to myself for the year. However, love is as it is, and I know that NG was upset by finding out at the last minute the last time I played with someone I hadn't before. I care, and so when he is upset, I feel it too. So... a couple of badly thought out texts and an apologetic phone conversation later, I compromise with myself on his behalf - I am not going to *not* play with Mountain, but I have waited four months, I can wait a little longer and give fair warning. So, reluctantly and frustratingly, I demonstrated willpower, and returned home to talk to NG instead. Things are... not entirely rosy, not entirely worked out, not completely happy, but I am optimistic again.
I have another date with Mountain on wednesday before he goes to Sweden (alas, I was invited, but I already am going to Optimus's graduation ceremony, and Lawyer's birthday treat, both on the same weekend, and plus can't really afford the time away). I anticipate it to be a lot of fun, especially having been Out of Bounds for so long.

Dinner with Duchess tonight, who is once again a part of a monogamous couple and off-limits for play, which is frustrating, but I still very much enjoy her company, so I will be behaving myself. Damn those ethics.
And right now, sleep, because the sun is rising and I have been up all night, first talking and then blogging about relationships. Must do the work thing at some point... Thank heavens for flexible working!

Red.
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Scorned woman? Not exactly!

So this afternoon I got a call from my lover to tell me that he had sex with another woman. How am I feeling?

Well first off, a little smug. Why? Because it was 100% clear to me that she had been flirting with him, even from a couple of thousand miles away, and like almost anyone, I do like to be proven right. They had gone away camping overnight in a shack in a the middle of nowhere with some friends, and I had in fact been nagging him to take condoms, despite his feeling that 'Nice Guys don't do that' - My personal feeling on that matter is that it's in fact the nice thing to do. What is it they teach you in Scouts? Always be prepared!

In fact it's my opinion that every person, gay or straight, monogamous or poly, partnered or celibate, *every* person should carry some sort of protection - worst case scenario, say you are at the hands of a rapist, you ask them to use a condom - if you haven't got one on you, they are going to rape you anyway, but if you are carrying, then maybe, just maybe they will take one and use it. Alternatively on a slightly happier and more probable note, even if you are not going to use it, maybe you can lend yours to someone who is caught short!
Realistically though, if there is even a 1% chance that you will be having sex, you should be prepared for it. Nothing more frustrating than the alternative.

Back on topic though - my favourite man just slept with another woman, am I really not bothered? Well, no. I'm a little amused at the shy voice he used to tell me about it, and a lot amused at how surprised he was at himself - 'but I'm a good boy!' Oh yes honey, I know you are - that's why you want to make people happy. That's why you enjoy making women come!

What else am I feeling? A little relieved - for him in that I had been wondering if his constant disbelief that women find him attractive was going to keep on getting in the way of things, and a little for myself because in a lot of ways it is easier to be in a polyamorous relationship if both of you benefit from it. I feel a little selfish for that last thought, but I know having tried desperately hard to be monogamous in the past that it simply doesn't suit me, and I really would like Nice Guy in my life for many years to come.

What else? I am intensely curious. I've not met the lady in person, though I have seen a couple of pictures, and chatted very briefly on webcam. I want to know what it was like - does she come like me? Does she make a lot of noise? Did they do anything that we don't, teach him any new tricks? Does she feel different to me? Will you do it again? Do I get to meet her? Does it make you feel different about her, about you, me, us? It's not that I want to interrogate, so I resisted firing the questions, I just get such a warm glow from people I care about enjoying themselves that I wanted to share in it vicariously. He already mentioned that she is apparently multi-orgasmic, so I am guessing she enjoyed herself - a thing that made me grin like a loon, quite frankly, because my beloved has no idea at all how great he is at sharing pleasure, and it is nice to actually have another woman back me up in that opinion.

So how do I feel about sharing my love? I can honestly say I am happy and glad, for him, for her and for all of us. I am wondering what it might mean for the future in the sense of will this be a short but pleasant fling, a lasting sexual friendship, a more complex relationship? I have nothing but optimistic thoughts on that front though, as I am certain that, even if we were to stop having a sexual relationship, NG would still be a part of my life, and I am happy seeing him happy. Even I'm a little surprised at that - I would be happily solo, as long as the people I cared about were happy.

In short, my most Significant Other had sex with someone else, and I am pleased.

As for myself? Well I woke up this morning in bed with my friend Miss Sunshine and her husband. We hadn't had sex, I was far too tired to play by the time we hit the sack last night, having been out to the theatre and then at Lawyer's house until late, but it was lovely just sharing three way hugs and being close, and I simply didn't feel the need to. We had tea and bacon sandwiches, and then the pair of them drove me to Dullsville to see my parents. I gave her a kiss goodbye without my mother noticing, or at least commenting. I am starting to consider coming out fully to my parents as poly - have already mentioned that NG and I are seeing each other, though we are 'not exclusive', which I think is the diplomatic way to put it. My friends have known for years, though. I will have a think about it and maybe do some research for tips to help with it.

Tomorrow I'm meeting Duchess in town for coffee, as by coincidence she's here visiting Busybee, and then we'll both be heading back to the City, where I'm meeting a woman about possibly doing some work for her in exchange for tickets to tantra workshops, and then the rest of the week looks to be a blur of activity as well. Will hopefully update soon - many an interesting thing happening at the moment, of which I have only mentioned a couple!

Rouge
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Oops, three weeks since last post!

So what on earth have I been up to?

Well my much beloved Nice Guy was in the country for three weeks, most of which we ended up spending in bed, despite our plans to get out and do touristy things. We just never really got organised to go out.
We did however organise my house, so I have a wonderfully neat and clean studio with lots of storage, and a place for everything. So at least I have an excellent start in working from home, now that I am not being quite so distracted.
Not that I am complaining! In those three weeks I had my first taste of suspension bondage, the wonderful threesome that I mentioned already, and my very first experience with more than three people on one bed, with Nice Guy, Miss Sunshine and her husband.
Also my first verified experience of female ejaculation (there may be more on this topic, as I went to a very interesting lecture/workshop last night about it), my first chance to properly test my 'feeldoe' and a whole host of wonderful orgasms, not to mention many hours just enjoying each others company and conversation, touching and being touched, and sleeping skin-to-skin.

C, my ex and occasional playmate came to stay for a few days in the middle of this - I must admit I was in a horrible mood all weekend, and it didn't go desperately well - I was an awful hostess and I felt very sorry for him, especially since he had been kind enough to take me to the ideal home show, which was rather fun, but I hadn't realised quite how long he had planned to stay, and I was feeling so very horrible and ratty he left a day early, driving home at some time in the middle of the night rather than get under my feet any more.
He was quite in the mood to play, I think, but I just plain wasn't. The day he left I got a major attack of thrush, which might go some way to explain why I was feeling so low, but I still feel rather guilty about having been so antisocial on top of that. I will perhaps have to make up for it at some stage.
I do really wish I had a spare room rather than being forced to share my studio/bedroom - I usually enjoy having guests, but it would make it so much easier to offer people space if I had more of it, and being in the City I have a lot of people wanting to come and stay. All the more reason to work on improving my career prospects as soon as possible!

The last few days I have spent working on my CV with the 'got to get a job' urge, as I am a bit fed up with having to budget quite so tightly, the first month in the City having cost me rather more than I expected.
Having actually sat down and checked the contents of my bank account, though, and done some arithmetic, I realise I am not quite so badly off as I thought, and it makes more sense to wait until the end of June when I get back from another month in the Goldfish Bowl before I start applying for work, that is assuming I haven't established my own business in the meantime.
I do still have to budget, though, and I am working the barter system for all it's got, doing work exchanges with various businesses and individuals, but at least I can manage to pay the rent until October if need be without being too badly off.

I have actually turned down a trip out to see NG again next week. Much as I would love to go, I feel I really need to be in the City, getting to know people, making some business contacts, just getting into the routine of even mundane things like going to the supermarket to buy food and getting back to some sort of sane sleep and work pattern.
My year of freedom is about establishing myself as an independent person, finding my feet emotionally and financially, and letting go of the safety net of being in a formal relationship. Tempting as it is, as long as I keep spending all of my time with the one guy, however lovely, I am not helping myself to be that person.
On the other hand, NG is looking for work in the City, and I am actively encouraging this. I love the fact that he is as into exploring new aspects of sex as much as I am, and I have every intention of continuing to explore for many years to come.
There are some things that need so much mutual trust, respect and deep feeling that can only really be explored in a long term loving relationship, monogamous or otherwise, and I can't think of a better person to explore those with.
It would be so lovely to have him close by again, especially on terms that allow me to stick by my ideals - having my own place to live, my own income, my own life, which in my mind makes the choice to share any or all of those all the more meaningful.

So for the next few weeks I shall be catching up with all of the other friends, playmates and others that I have been neglecting while enjoying myself with NG, catching up on work, emails, and exploring more of the City, my local surroundings, and the fetish scene that I am a very recent entrant to.
Hopefully there will be much more to blog about - since this entry is getting to be quite long, I shall leave describing the workshop last night for another day, suffice it to say I have a lot of new things to think about!

Blowing Kisses,

Miss Scarlet

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Wow, where did February go?

So the last fortnight has been another eventful one. - My gosh I have been too busy doing to blog about it! I have found a new place to rent, (furnished, with the most perfect bed for bondage, a glorious wall feature made of branches, and sexy polished wood floor!) and moved in.
I went to the friends of Coffee, Cake and Kink meeting and picked up some temporary work, which has been handy, and will be back next week to do some voluntary work there to help out - I swear, I will be moving in at some point!

Went to Cambridge to hear Optimus play in a concert, and had my first experience of electroplay - oh my gosh that was intense! I seem to have altered his perceptions a bit lately, and he has gone from believing that monogamy was the best option for him to realising that in fact, we are in a polyamorous relationship of sorts and it suits him just fine - he wrote some rather flattering things about me in his own blog (which for reasons of privacy I won't link to, however).

Met my chocolate loving friend again for dinner a couple of times (true to form, he cooked me steak with dark chocolate sauce - very tasty!) - I am meeting his significant other for the first time at the weekend, as we are all three going to Torture Garden, which will be my first time - this is the first wardrobe crisis I have had in years, as I don't have any real fetish wear, and all my more theatrical clothing is still residing in the Goldfish Bowl with T where I can't get at it in time. Also the boots I was planning to wear have been living with Duchess since December, and apparently have unfortunately broken whilst they were in her keeping, so I really am not sure what to replace them with that isn't going to cost me more than I can afford to spend. Especially between now and Saturday!
I am a bit nervous about meeting the S.O. concerned - partly because she has apparently been rather worried about his involvement with me - she is very new to the concept of polyamory, and I am very much hoping to both make a good impression, and set any fears at rest that she may have at the same time - I am not interested in stealing her partner, more in adding to what they already have!

Looking forward hugely to next friday, when I get to see my beloved Nice Guy again (*starting to think he might need a less generic nickname, now that he is a long-term fixture- Hunnymonster may be appearing in his stead in the coming weeks!)
- there has been a lot of discussion over the status and state of our our relationship over the last two weeks.
NG used the 'L word' for the first time without qualifiers, which I think came as something of a relief, and I have started wondering what I actually really mean by the word 'single', anyway.

At the moment I seem to be having my cake and eating it as well - I am single so far as I have no limits on my behaviour other than self-imposed ones, but I have all the support and the fluffy feelings that come from being in a relationship - actually in my mind, this is polyamory.
The love and acceptance of people exactly as they are, as they fit into your life and vice versa, without trying to mould things into anything else.

We still have a lot to discuss - he is not used to the idea of poly, and is still uncomfortable with some aspects of it. There has been a lot of talking, a lot of long phone calls and late night messaging, and a lot of reassurance needed on both sides.
On his part needing help dealing with insecurities and fears brought to light by my now starting to see other new people, having been accidentally monogamous whilst in the Goldfish Bowl, by the change in situation and the struggle of his being stuck back there while I am living the life I want to in the City.
On my side, fears that I am going to end up in another situation like I ended up in with T, where I started out in a very much open relationship, moved in together by accident and found myself edged into monogamy after he realised we were 'serious', with painful and disastrous results when I tried to move things back the way I really wanted and needed them to be.

I am determined to stick to my year of freedom, and he wants very much to support me in this, even if it gets a bit uncomfortable at times - the fact that he believes I am worth the effort is rather touching, and I love him all the more for it.

What's to come next year? That's a thing to decide many months down the line, but I hope it will involve much more time for us to be together, and love, and freedom, and well... I am far too old to believe in happy ever afters, but it would be nice to think of a good many years of honesty, openness and caring for each other.

Right now, though, I am as single as I need to be, and living life to the full, and this is good. I will attempt to blog more often, just to keep up with things, but I know the next few weeks are going to be equally hectic. I haven't forgotten about you though!

Carmine
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